The Cullen Sutras
by Magnolia822
Summary: After a difficult breakup with her longtime boyfriend, Bella meets a sexy, but enigmatic, yoga instructor whose dedication to the art masks a hidden sorrow. Further complicating matters is his loyalty to the yogic practice of brahmacharya, celibacy! AH
1. Retreat

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I own Yogiward.**

Chapter One: Retreat

BPOV

Even muffled by my pillow, the pounding on my door was difficult to ignore. My friends were persistent if nothing else. I poked my head out of my warm cocoon and glanced at the bedside alarm....jeesh....it was 1:00. I couldn't believe I had slept for so long. Grumbling and muttering to myself, I swept back the covers and pulled on the robe that lay crumpled on the floor next to the bed.

"Coming! Coming!" God, I'm freaking coming, I thought as I tromped over to the door of my one room efficiency and yanked it open, only to find my two best girls, Rosalie and Alice, standing and staring at me, agog.

"Bella, Bella, Bella," Alice tisked as she swept by me and into my apartment, Rose following along behind her, "Have you even gotten out of bed this week?" She immediately set to tidying up my room which, granted, looked like it had been struck by gale force winds. "We've been calling and calling. You really should answer your phone."

"Hmpf," I responded. My tiny friend's flutter of activity made my head spin, and I winced as she pulled up the blinds, revealing both the sun and the bustling Queens street below. Rose stood by watching the scene with amusement and a touch of pity.

"Roooose," Alice intimated, "I need your help here. Remember...," she whispered as if I wasn't in the room, "the plan?"

And with that Rose grabbed my arm and dragged me towards the "bathroom," which was really a toilet, stall shower, and sink cordoned off by a length of rope and curtain, courtesy of my father Charlie, police chief and "fixer-upper." She tipped down the lid of the toilet with one foot and sat me down on it, looking at me with a critical eye.

"Bella, have you seen yourself lately?" she asked in her best take-no-shit voice. "I mean, your hair is just crazy. You look like a bag lady or something."

I shrugged my shoulders and managed a half smile as she grabbed a vanity mirror and held it up to my face. I winced again. She was right. My long dark hair was matted to my head, looking like rodents had recently taken up residency. My face was pale and held traces of old mascara, which made sense because I hadn't washed it in days. I resembled a creature from a Rob Zombie movie.

"This is ending today." Brush in hand, she began combing out my rat's nest as I sat trying to comprehend what was happening. Had I really been that bad? I hadn't left my apartment since Mike left me for my FORMER best friend Jessica Stanley over a week ago. Mike, my high school sweetheart, the man I thought I would one day marry...the one who I had caught schtupping that slut on his living room floor...

"Bells," Alice appeared behind Rose as she continued her ministrations, "it's not worth it. HE is not worth it, not worth doing this to yourself over." I noticed that Alice held my seemingly packed duffel bag in her right hand and I gestured towards it.

"What's with the bag, Al?"

She beamed at me. "What's with the bag is that you and me and Rose are taking a little trip this weekend...."

Weekend? I thought it was Wednesday. Shit, I guess I had lost track of time. I groaned.

"I can't go. I have things, stuff to do."

"Yes you can," they said in unison. "And you will," Rose added.

"But I have things to...I'm supposed to..."

"Save it, Bella," Alice cut me off, as Rose began tugging at my knotted robe. "We're going and that's that. You need to get out of this place and away from memories of M," she thought better than to say his name "…that bastard. Now why don't you cooperate with Rose and jump in the shower, unless you'd rather she bathe you?"

"Okay, okay!" I exclaimed, re-tying my robe and ushering them out. "I'll shower if you two get out of here and quit pestering me."

The thought of leaving my den was anything but comforting. How could I go outside and face the world, knowing that at any moment I might run into one of them? But I knew it was futile to fight Rose and Alice when they were like this; I'd tried before and failed.

"Where are we going anyway?" I called to them as I slipped into the shower and turned it on full blast. After a week of dirty Bella, the warm water felt invigorating and fresh.

"We'll tell you once we're in the car," Alice promised, poking her head in.

"Allllice," I protested, covering myself with the shower curtain.

"Oh please Bella, don't be such a prude. It's nothing I haven't seen before. And I'd suggest you take your time in there and shave your legs; while you're at it, shave everything!"

"What? Why?" I asked warily.

"Oh, never mind," Alice smiled wickedly as she retreated to the outer chamber.

I sighed and did as she instructed. This was going to be a long weekend.

Two hours later I found myself in the back seat of Alice's red Volkswagen convertible, hurtling up Highway 95 through Connecticut. My friends still refused to respond to my inquiries regarding our destination, but I was suspecting that it was someplace I was going to object to. Why they were torturing me in my fragile state I couldn't comprehend.

I gazed out the window. In all honesty, it felt nice to be out of my apartment and in the company of my friends, better than I thought it would. My self-exile from the world hadn't exactly been successful at taking my mind off my hopeless situation, my solitude made even more pronounced since I had quit my job at Eclipse. I fumed at the thought that it had been me who had convinced Aro, the restaurant's owner, to hire my old high school friend when she moved to be with her sister in Manhattan the year before, months after we had graduated college. I was so excited to have Jess nearby again since we hadn't really seen each other after I chose to attend CUNY, while she stayed behind at Washington State. But we had been so close while we lived in Forks, which wasn't really that much of a feat, I supposed thinking back on it, since the damn town only had a few hundred residents. I thought that her move to New York would be an added bonus to what I saw as my content and happy life.

Both Jess and I were struggling to pay of student loan debt and, with the economy the way it was, couldn't find jobs utilizing our degrees. So, we waitressed during the night and submitted resumes by day. My boyfriend Mike was in finance, but he occasionally worked a weekend shift bartending at Eclipse to earn extra cash. The three of us had been so cozy, had had so much fun together. Even though Alice and Rose had warned me about Jess getting close to Mike, I hadn't thought to listen. How could I have been so naïve, so blind?

A sudden jolt startled me from my reverie as Alice slammed the breaks, honking her horn at the driver who'd cut us off and cursing like, well, like Alice. Rose sat bolt upright in her seat, her hand clasped to her chest. Alice continued shouting a stream of expletives.

"I can drive, Al," Rose said, still clearly frazzled.

"No, I'm fine. It's that dick-wad who just cut me off!"

"Guys," I intoned from the back seat, "Can you puh-leeeze tell me where we're going? You've got me in the car and I'm not likely to escape what with Alice driving like a maniac." The person in question cast me a dirty look in the rearview.

Rose inhaled deeply, "We're going to a spa in the Berkshires."

"A spa? Which spa…?" I don't know why I was asking as if I knew anything about Western Massachusetts and its spas. I wasn't exactly familiar with such luxury.

"Well, it's kind of more of a yoga sanctuary "slash" spa" Alice corrected.

"A WHAT!" I shouted, "Yoga? You guys, you know I'm physically challenged when it comes to balance, and flexibility, and general bodily movement! Remember Rose, when you dragged me to that damn Bikram Yoga class last year? I almost died in that heat!"

"This place isn't like that, Bella," Alice soothed, "no hot rooms, I promise."

"Besides," added Rose, "this will be good for us, for you; you know, cleansing our bodies, minds and spirits?" She arched her perfectly shaped eyebrow at me; Rosalie was breathtaking, even on a bad day, and this wasn't one of those.

"I don't want to be cleansed!" I wailed petulantly.

"Yeah," Alice snorted, "we noticed that earlier today." Rose tossed her blonde hair in laughter.

Bitches.

"Bella, look, I know you're having a rough time right now with the break up…." Alice began.

"And personal betrayal, and utter rejection…" I interrupted.

"Yes, all of that. But you need to get your mind of it, and this is just the thing. Besides, it's not just a yoga center; there's a spa too, and a meditation room, a…"

"Since when did you become all new-agey, Al?"

"When you became such a sad sack!" A sad sack?

"Bella, you weren't even happy with Mike."

"Yes I was!"

"No, Bella, you weren't. You were always complaining about how he never paid you any attention or made you feel special. The sex was boring-you admitted it!"

"I never…"

"You did, Bella, not in so many words, but you did. You're just too wrapped up in feeling nostalgic for something that's over that you don't remember the bad bits. You were comfortable with Mike, but you weren't really happy."

Alice had never been one to mince words, but she wasn't intentionally being cruel. Ever since I had met her and Rose at CUNY, they were constants in my life. We had been roommates throughout college and, when we graduated, remained close. When Jess moved to Manhattan, my friends had dealt with her politely for my sake, but I knew neither had cared much for her. It was only recently, when Alice had "felt" there was something more going on between Jess and Mike that she had spoken up. And I hadn't listened.

"Okay, Al, that's enough," Rose said, noticing I was nearing tears.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I don't want to hurt you, but you need to face the truth." Alice turned her attention back to the road and the drive continued in silence. I sat for a while, gradually lulled by the ride into sleep.

I was woken up two hours later by another jolt; this time we were pulling off the main road and onto a windy, tree-lined drive. I rolled down the window and allowed the cool March air to bathe my face. Rose and Alice, who had obviously been keeping quiet to allow me to rest, began to chatter in the front. Despite my trepidation regarding this yoga business, I had to admit that the countryside was beautiful; the early spring crocuses had begun to emerge and dotted the roadside as we passed. It reminded me of Forks, and I sighed, feeling suddenly homesick.

Eventually, the retreat center emerged from between the still barren trees, a subtle grey stone structure that blended in with the surrounding area. It was smaller than I had imagined, resembling a private residence more than a public resort.

"How did you guys find this place, anyway?" I asked. There wasn't even a sign to announce the identity of the building.

Alice filled me in; apparently one of her co-workers from Denali Ltd., the ad agency where she worked, had gotten her yoga certification here the previous summer.

"According to Tanya, the instructors are apparently QUITE good looking," Alice smirked pointedly at Rose.

"God, Alice, getting laid is the farthest thing from my mind right now…" I shrank down into my seat.

"Bella," Rose turned to me, "There's no harm in looking, now is there?"

Alice swung the car into an empty space in the small but filled lot next to the house. As we began to clamber out of the car, a figure emerged from the heavy oak front door. He jogged over to us, curly blonde hair flopping with his movement. When he neared, he extended his hand to Alice, shaking hers and taking her bag.

"Welcome to the Cullen Center for Yoga Arts," he addressed us all. "I'm Jasper Hale, and I'm one of the instructors here."

Alice was gaping at him like a wide-mouthed bass, but quickly collected herself.

"I'm Alice, and this is Rosalie, and Bella." She spoke so quickly even I didn't understand her.

I stepped forward, shyly extending my hand. He was attractive, that was true. Alice's co-worker was right.

Jasper took Rosalie's bag in his other hand and led us towards the center. I was distracted by a sound behind me as we ascended the steps, and I stumbled, tripping upwards and bracing myself for a fall.

Just then, I felt strong arms wrap around my shoulders, pulling me upright and back. I twisted my head around and found myself face-to-face with serious jade eyes. They were the most beautiful and strangely colored eyes I'd ever seen, and they belonged to an angel's face. My breath caught in my throat as I scanned it, taking in the full lips and chiseled jaw.

Alice's co-worker was RIGHT.

**A/N: Oh Bella, there you go tripping over your feet and right into his arms. This is my first attempt at ff, so please hit *review*!**


	2. Rabbit

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I own Yogiward.**

_Jasper took Rosalie's bag in his other hand and led us towards the center. I was distracted by a sound behind me as we ascended the steps, and I stumbled, tripping upwards and bracing myself for a fall._

_Just then, I felt strong arms wrap around my shoulders, pulling me upright and back. I twisted my head around and found myself face-to-face with serious jade eyes. They were the most beautiful and strangely colored eyes I'd ever seen, and they belonged to an angel's face. My breath caught in my throat as I scanned it, taking in the full lips and chiseled jaw._

_Alice's co-worker was RIGHT._

Chapter Two: Rabbit

BPOV

I tore myself away from his gaze, blushing ferociously. Embarrassment made the blood roar in my ears. Once the arms felt I had steadied, they slowly released, and the man who they belonged to took a step backwards, still staying close.

"Ah…I'm sorry," I managed, turning back to face him. He looked at me quizzically.

"For what?" his lips asked. I stared.

"Um, for being such a klutz….um…Thanks." I winced at my words. This man was so beautiful, and all I could manage were "ums" and "ahs."

"You don't have to apologize for tripping. It was just an accident."

"Right. Well, thanks anyway."

The jade eyes stayed serious. "You're welcome."

With that, he turned and continued his way up the stairs to the door, opened it, and entered, not looking back. I was left standing with Rose, Alice, and Jasper, the former two who were looking at me quizzically after the oddly grave exchange between me and the angel. Rosalie asked the question on my lips.

"Now _who_ was that?" Her emphasis betrayed her interest, and I felt a stab of jealousy. Why? Before Jasper could answer and I could think through my rather irrational response, another presence made itself known at the top of the stairs.

"_That_, was my brother Edward. And_ this_" he said, sweeping his hand to indicate the house and grounds, "is his baby. Well, our baby, really. I'm Emmett Cullen; welcome to CCYA."

Rose and Alice had now turned their attention to the speaker, thoughts of the mysterious jade-eyed man named Edward obviously dissipated. They gave each other a not-so-subtle look as they eyed him. Emmett was smiling widely as he extended his hand to greet us all, his noticeable musculature flexing as he did so. When he reached me, my hand was dwarfed inside his massive paw.

"I hope you didn't have too much trouble finding us," Emmett continued, eyeing Rose, who was clearly eyeing him right back. Jeez, this was getting ridiculous. Who ever heard of a yoga sanctuary in the middle of the wilderness populated by male models?

"No, no trouble at all," Rose countered, smiling at him, "the directions were really clear."

"Well, wonderful."

Emmett and Jasper began leading us in, Jasper pausing to hold the door open for us. I placed my feet carefully as I followed behind.

Once inside, I was struck by the open space of the house. Despite its exterior, it really seemed quite large, a fact that was accentuated by the sparse, clean décor. To the right of the entrance was a large room with several long sofas, a large fireplace, and an intricately woven Native American rug. Giant mirrors hung on both sides of the wall, reflecting the room back-and-forth, infinitely. A little further on the left was an even larger room, which was clearly the dining area. It too was simply decorated, with only round wooden tables and stools. Floor to ceiling windows allowed the late afternoon sunlight to filter in, swathing everything in gold. I found my eyes searching for something else…well…someone else…but was disappointed to come up empty.

Emmett indicated the sitting room and the dining room and continued the tour.

"The philosophy of CCYA is simple living in harmony with the environment. We don't have many modern amenities here that you might be used to at a spa or resort. There are no phones or TV's in the rooms, and we actually request that you "check-in" your cell phones and PDAs when you arrive."

Alice glanced at us nervously. She was a Blackberry addict, and I could tell this news was not going over well.

"Of course there is an in-house phone for emergencies, but we ask that you follow our rules unless there is one. I think you'll find," he said, noticing Alice's wide eyes, "that you'll actually be pleasantly surprised at how relaxing and freeing it can be." He smiled at her. I don't think she was convinced.

Jasper touched her arm, silently requesting us follow. We continued down the hall to the check-in area, each of us digging around in our bags to uncover the forbidden devices in question. I was happy to give mine up. Except for Rose and Alice, who were here, there was no one else I wanted to talk to.

Once we were settled up, Jasper excused himself and Emmett showed us to our rooms, leading us up several flights of a large staircase across from the dining area.

"The second floor houses yoga studios 'A' and 'B.' 'A' is for beginning yogis, and 'B' for more advanced practitioners. The spa area is on the ground floor, which you'll see tomorrow. All of the guest rooms are located on the third floor, and the fourth floor is where the staff lives, myself included." Did he just wink at Rose? Hmmm.

Emmett said "guests," but I hadn't noticed any other guests aside from us. As if reading my mind, Emmett explained.

"We're on a rather strict schedule here as well; all of the other guests are at evening meditation now, but we'll let you ladies settle in before dinner, which is at 6:00."

The three of us exchanged a glance. They clearly were not on New York City time.

"After dinner, there's the evening yoga practice from 7:30-8:30, and then you'll have free time until 9:30, which is lights out."

Now it was time for Rose to look panicked. She was our night owl, and was clearly unprepared for this news. I began to wonder if my friends had researched this place beyond Tanya Denali's claim of hot male yoga instructors.

"We're over capacity tonight, 31 guests in all, which means that one of you will have to stay on the fourth floor. The rooms on the third floor are all doubles. Now, which of you would like their own room?" He wiggled his eyebrow at Rose.

Jeez, what was with this guy? He was practically propositioning her right in front of us.

"I'll take it," the words left my mouth before I could stop them. Rose cast me a dirty look indicating she didn't approve of my cock-blocking ways. Well, I'm sorry, if I wasn't getting any, she wasnt getting any.

"The fourth floor room doesn't have a shower, unfortunately, but there is a community shower with a locking door down the hall. All third floor rooms have their own private showers."

This was enough to erase Rose's anger and replace it with relief. I sighed. It figures.

We approached the third floor landing and Emmett indicated my friends' room; we parted ways, planning to meet up before dinner. When we got to my room, Emmett unlocked it and gave me the key, placing my bag on the floor inside.

"Please let us know if you need anything," he said. "Edward, Jasper, Laurent and I are all down the hall." Laurent? Another male model? Noticing my confusion he added, "Laurent's our resident chef. Strictly vegetarian, of course."

With that Emmett turned and retreated down the stairs and I was left to my own devices. I looked around the room; it contained an oak dresser, nightstand, and twin bed the likes of which I hadn't slept in since high school in Forks. The walls were painted a light yellow. There was no other decoration. I sighed. Without my cell phone, I wouldn't even know what time it was. I guess we were just supposed to use our "intuition," I thought, stifling a laugh.

I turned my attention to unpacking my bag. We would be here for three days, and I was, for better or worse, reliant on whatever Alice had brought for me. As I removed the clothing, I discovered that she had taken it upon herself to furnish me with an entire yoga wardrobe, from soft stretchy cotton pants to the tiniest shorts I had ever seen. Chuckling to myself, I selected a more modest pair of pants and proceeded to change, since who knew if I'd have time to do so in between dinner and "evening yoga practice" (whatever that meant). It occurred to me that I didn't have a mat, though from the looks of it this place had plenty of spares.

Assuming it was almost time to meet the girls, I exited the room and stepped into the hall…and directly into the oncoming path of…you guessed it…Edward.

"S…sorry!" I gasped stupidly. We'd just narrowly escaped collision, and I shrank against the wall to allow him to pass. His jade eyes met mine for a second, then raked down over my body, now clad in the form fitting clothes Alice had purchased. I felt my nipples perk under my light cotton tank, and blushed accordingly. His eyes darkened and looked away.

"Excuse me," he muttered, brushing by me. "I didn't know Emmett had brought any guests up here."

I stood watching him depart. Why was he being so rude to me? And why did I keep colliding with him like a complete and utter moron? His body turned lithely, reminding me of a large predatory cat; a tight grey t-shirt and low-slung board shorts clung to his sinewy frame. His wild bronze hair starkly contrasted to his relaxed, easy movements. My nipples were definitely at attention now. His grace made me ashamed of my clumsy and careless behavior.

He turned the corner, and I turned too, managing to make it downstairs without any further humiliation.

Dinner was delicious, and, as promised, strictly vegetarian. I didn't mind, especially since Emmett explained to the guests how the center planted and harvested most of the vegetables we were eating from its own organic garden and greenhouse. Rose was impressed. She and Alice were long time vegetarians (though Rose had been known to cheat once or twice).

The three of us were seated with four other guests at one of the round tables. Eric and Tyler were a gay couple from Boston who were frequent visitors, seeing the center as an escape from their busy lawyerly lives. Eric was hilarious, telling us the story of how he met Tyler in a car accident; Tyler had rear-ended him and nearly totaled his car during an ice storm. It doesn't sound funny, but Eric certainly had a knack for storytelling. The other two guests were a mother and daughter that I was surprised to discover were from Seattle. It was their first time here as well. I especially liked Angela, the daughter; she wasn't too familiar with yoga either, though her mother was a regular practitioner. I was glad to know another person in the beginner's yoga class, since Rose and Alice were both planning on attending the session for intermediate and advanced guests.

All too soon, dinner was over; I started panicking, knowing I would soon be separated from my friends and forced to perform feats I was sure my body was incapable of. Making my nerves worse was the fact that I hadn't seen Edward at all during dinner. Where was he? Was he so horrified by my presence here that he'd refused sustenance?

I tried to push these thoughts away, assuring myself he had hardly even noticed me. Yet_ that_ wasn't comforting either. And it wasn't true. I knew he had noticed me. The way he had looked at my body approvingly during our upstairs encounter confirmed this; and I certainly had noticed _him_. Dammit! There went the nipples again!

"Earth to Bella…." Alice waved her hands in font of my face. "Your face is bright red Bella. What're _you_ thinking about?" Rose and the other guests laughed.

"Nothing!" I insisted.

"Well, it's time to go, so grab your tray. You and Angela are going up to studio A. And here's your mat," Alice passed me a rolled up rubber tube. "We'll meet up afterwards in our room…." she whispered, "they don't allow alcohol here, but Rose and I snuck in a little somethin' somethin".

"Sounds good," I grinned, "I'll definitely need it after all this."

"Oh, and Bella," Rose spoke quietly, "Emmett told me that _Edward_ is the beginning yoga instructor."

With that the color drained from my face. Oh shit. Angela began pulling me away from Alice and Rose as they smiled.

Bitches.

My heart was fluttering in my chest as we entered the darkened studio. Aside from Angela and I, there were 6 other guests already seated on their mats, none of whom I recognized. The only light illuminating the room came from a large display of candles mounted on the wall.

Edward sat cross-legged in the center of the room, his jade eyes closed. I noticed that all of the others were seated in the same manner, and Angela and I quickly followed suit, locating empty spaces to unroll our mats.

Once we were settled, Edward opened his eyes and smiled. It altered his whole face, and soon it was Edward, not the candles, that lightened the room. He was so different from the serious and brusque man I had encountered earlier.

"Welcome to class," he began, his voice rich and soothing. "I know many of you are here at the center for the first time." A middle-aged woman chuckled and Edward turned towards her, "of course, Irina, I don't mean you!" She was clearly a regular. He turned his attention back to the group "How many of you have never done yoga before?"

I glanced around; one older man raised his hand. I considered it, but I _had_ done yoga…I just wasn't _good_ at it.

"Great," Edward confirmed, nodding to him. "So, before we get started, I wanted to say a couple of things about myself, and about yoga at the center, since we'll be spending a lot of time together this weekend. Those of you who met my brother Emmett today know by now that I'm Edward, and that together we run the center. We founded it five years ago on the principle of offering high-quality relaxation and instruction in a non-competitive atmosphere.

When you enter this compound, and this room, you leave your ego behind. Yoga isn't about doing positions correctly. It's about approaching the position with the intent to learn from the experience. If there's one thing I want you to take away from your time here, it is knowledge about the intimate link between the mind and the body."

He glanced at me but quickly looked away.

"We work here at the center to connect the two; yoga is a philosophy that accesses the mind, and disciplines it, through working the physical body. Over time, if you are dedicated to the practice, you will find peace beyond measure. But it's not easy. I'll ask you to push yourself, in this room, to your limit, but not beyond. You should never go so far as to injure yourself; respect your body. Lastly, remember not to judge your capabilities, or to compare yourself to anyone else here. The only thing I will not tolerate is a refusal to try."

"In this evening class, we focus on the breath. _Pranayama_ is the art of yoga breathing, and it, like the movements that it accompanies, must be controlled. Correct breathing calms the body and the mind and helps maintain focus within the postures." Edward went on to discuss the four different stages of breathing (which was news to me, having always thought there was only inhaling and exhaling) and show us various exercises to access breath control. This guy knew his stuff, that was for sure.

While I initially had trouble following his instruction, I eventually got into the rhythm of the _ujjayi_, or "ocean," breath that Edward described as one of the most important techniques we'd use. I was still a little self-conscious about the Darth-Vader-like sounds that were emitting from my mouth as I constricted my throat muscles, but it was strangely relaxing. I opened my eyes, which had been closed, and saw Edward smiling at me encouragingly.

"Now, we add movement," Edward said, standing up. "One more thing before we begin this portion of the class. I'm known here for my strong assists, which means I have a very hands-on approach to the practice…."

YES, please.

"Please let me know if you are uncomfortable with physical contact and I'll respect your space."

NO. Thank you. Apparently, no one else had a problem either, since no one spoke up. It made sense; why someone would not want this man to lay his hands on them was beyond me. I glanced at Angela to my left. She looked as eager to have him touch her as I felt.

Bitch.

Edward began leading us through gentle sun-salutations, which I had done once before, first breaking the sequence down into its individual components, then picking up speed to increase the flow. He spent time with each guest while instructing the class, encouraging us to match our inhalations and exhalations to each stage of movement.

Eventually, I felt his presence behind me and heard his deep voice as I transitioned into the downward dog position. When I felt his hands on my hips gently pulling them up and back to fully extend my spine, my breath hitched audibly.

"Don't forget to breath, Bella," he said lowly.

Had I even told him my name? How did he know my nickname?

His hands continued to move with my body, warm and insistent, guiding me into each position. His experience was clear, his firm long fingers smoothing out my motions and correcting my missteps. Under Edward's skilled hands, my body became graceful. I tried diligently to remember my breath and not focus on the tingling his touch ignited in my damned traitorous nipples.

Finally, Edward stepped away from me, releasing me and announcing the class was over for the evening.

When I looked back at him, his earlier smile had been erased and replaced with that dark gaze.

"Well done, Bella," he said simply, before turning to address the group and instructing us to stay for _savasana_, or "corpse pose," the final relaxation.

As I settled down on my mat, willing my body to relax, Edward blew out the candles so that only one was left alight. Though my eyes were supposed to be closed, I surreptitiously kept one open, watching him. He did not lie on his mat like the rest of us, but sat against the wall, just within my peripheral vision. His eyes were closed, mouth slightly parted, and he raked one hand through his wild hair before stilling and resting his head. I closed my eyes for a moment, but then, unable to resist the voyeuristic pleasure of watching him, opened them. He was gazing intently at me and our eyes met. This time he did not look away.

**A/N: Next chappie we'll get a bit of EPOV! Thanks for reading! **

**Reviewers get a private yoga class with Edward.**


	3. Fish

**Disclaimer: SM owns all things Twilight; I own Yogiward.**

**A/N: Thanks so much for reading! Please let me know what you think!**

_This time he didn't look away._

Chapter Three: Fish

BPOV

I did, feeling more than a little uncomfortable that he had caught me staring when I was supposed to be relaxing, or meditating, or whatever. I shut my eyes tightly, planning to bolt as soon as class was over. After another minute or two, I could hear Edward stand and re-light the candles, instructing us to sit up slowly and leave at our own pace. I was up too quickly, feeling dizzy as I rolled my mat and wished Angela goodnight. Some of the other guests, including the woman Irina, were surrounding Edward and asking him questions. I took that as a sign, and moved towards the door.

"Bella," he called. "Can you just wait a minute?" Oh crap, I thought. He's probably going to call me out for not resting properly and staring at him like a starving man eyeing a steak.

I hung back, avoiding Angela's questioning look as she left the studio. Soon, Edward said goodnight to the last guest and we were alone in the room. I shifted uncomfortably on my feet as he walked over to me.

"I don't think we've been formally introduced," he began, "and I like to acquaint myself with all of the guests here. I'm Edward," he said, extending his hand. It seemed a little formal, considering the fact that he'd just had his hands all over my body, but I decided not to mention that fact.

"Isabella Swan," I replied, taking his hand. He furrowed his brow.

"Oh, Isabella. I thought you preferred Bella, I'm sorry." He looked a little taken aback, and I relented.

"I am…I mean I do. It's my nickname. How did you know?"

Edward smiled. "It's what you wrote on your check-in card."

D'oh! I internally slapped my hand to my forehead. What had made me think it was so strange for him to know my name? It's not like he was a mind reader! I smiled back and laughed, my nervousness dissipating.

"Of course. That would explain it!"

"Well, _Bella_, are you enjoying your stay here so far?"

"It's really nice. Very _relaxing_."

He chuckled. "Yes, I suppose it is." He paused. "And you have practiced yoga before?"

"Umm. Well, a bit. You see, my friends are kinda into it and they've brought me along to some classes trying to convert me…." I stopped, wincing at my choice of verb. But Edward didn't seem to notice so I went on. "And well, I like it. I just don't think I'm very good at it. I'm not flexible _at all_."

"That surprises me. You seemed to do quite well today in class."

I blushed, investigating my feet.

"Well, I guess you're a pretty good teacher."

"So I've been told." He grinned.

Was he _flirting_ with me? I decided to play back.

"Well, that's great. 'Cause I need one. A good teacher."

I might have overdid it a little; Edward's smile fell and with it so did the light atmosphere. I hurried to correct the situation.

"So, you and Emmett own this place. I'm impressed—it's so beautiful up here." I looked at him; it seemed to be okay. "I've never been to this part of Massachusetts, but it reminds me of where I grew up."

"And where is that, Bella?"

"A little town in Washington State called Forks that nobody's ever heard of. I used to hate it, growing up, but coming up here made me miss home." Was I getting too personal?

"Why did you hate it?"

"It was just so small, too small. And my dad was the chief of police, so of course I couldn't do anything without him finding out….Not that I was a badass or anything!"

"But you couldn't have been even if you wanted to be."

"Exactly."

"I mean, I had some fun in high school, but nothing exciting really happened. Aside from the time I fainted during the blood-typing biology lab," I laughed at the memory.

"You're not a fan of blood?"

"Not really, no. I guess I could never be a vampire." He laughed with me.

"No, I don't suppose so," he mused. "And when was the last time you were home?"

What was with Edward and the twenty questions? I should have felt irritated at the inquisition, but it was kind of nice. Mike had never asked about my life before I met him. If he did, maybe he wouldn't have gone ahead and banged my (ex) best friend.

"I go home mostly on the holidays; but it's expensive, and since I graduated I've been working a crappy waitressing job, so I don't have much extra money. Now that I've quit my job, I don't have any!"

He was quiet for a minute.

"Well I'm glad you feel at home here, Bella."

I tried to restrain the giddy feeling welling up in my chest and bit the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling too roundly.

"So, how long have you been doing this?" I asked.

"Five years," he replied.

"Wow. I mean, that's a long time. You don't look that old." I must have contracted a case of foot-in-mouth disease on the ride up from New York.

But he smiled.

"I'm 26."

"That's not old," I observed astutely. Why couldn't I say something intelligent to this man? This beautiful man who was standing before me?

"Sometimes I feel it." His smile turned rueful.

"What, you've probably lived at least two lives or something."

"Hmm?"

"You know, like karma, reincarnation…isn't that a yoga thing?" I tried to explain my lame joke.

"Something like that."

There was an odd tone to his reply that made him seem cynical, a contrast to the peaceful and sweet Edward I had seen in class that evening. Before I could muse too long on my observation, Emmett poked his head in the door.

"Hey bro…" noticing me he checked himself. "Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt." He turned back to Edward. "But anyway, the backyard generator is on the fritz again."

"I'll be right there Emmett." He seemed frustrated. Was he upset about the generator or our conversation being interrupted?

"Bella, it's been a pleasure meeting you. I'll see you tomorrow. In class." His green eyes were warm again, and he gave me another small smile before turning to leave. I wanted to go with him, do anything to continue talking with him. But I knew there was no way to make my desire known without completely exposing myself. Sighing frustratedly, I took myself back to my room to change, knowing there was only a half hour before "lights out."

On my way out the door it occurred to me that I had completely forgotten about my two-week depression over Mike.

By the time I made it to Alice and Rose's room, they were already several drinks in and feeling pretty fine, by the looks of it. Rose was especially giddy; apparently she had been so vocal in her appreciation of the organic produce at dinner that Emmett had convinced her (it didn't seem she needed _much_ convincing) to ditch the evening yoga class and go on a "tour" of the center's grounds with him.

"But don't let Edward know," Rose cautioned tittering, "…or he'll have it out for Emmett. There's some sort of "non-fraternization" policy here regarding employees and guests."

"Looks like Emmett got sick of it," Alice chimed in. She then launched in to a description of the intermediate yoga class with Jasper. "He's soooooo amazing! I totally want to Google him. He was in the army or navy or something and got some sort of medal. But they took my phone! Damn it, I wish I could sneak down there and get it!"

The whole "technology-free-zone" thing was obviously starting to grate on Alice's last nerve. It was a little over-the-top, I had to admit. I wondered if anyone had ever been caught with a phone, and what the penalty was. Would being asked to not attend class be considered a punishment or a reward?

"Emmett told me that he's the only one who knows the combination to the safe where they keep the phones; they don't even write it down on paper!"

"Why is Edward so anti-technology?" I asked, fishing for any information that Rose might have gotten from her new crush.

"I don't know…Emmett started to say something about it on our walk, but he stopped himself. I imagine it's something to do with the whole yoga thing."

"Hmmm." I wasn't sure. Emmett must have felt it was an invasion of his brother's privacy, whatever it was. And the yoga thing obviously wasn't a secret.

"Well, I know Jasper would never put the moves on me," Alice continued, oblivious to my line of inquiry, "not while we're guests here, at least. But I'm going to make it my mission to get his number by the time we leave on Sunday."

I snorted. "If he has a number, Alice."

Later in my room, I found it nearly impossible to sleep. The events of the day were playing on a loop in my mind; I kept coming back to the feel of Edward's hands on my back, their gentle firm pressure. His early brusqueness during our awkward encounters. And then later, as we spoke, the faraway look in his eyes as he spoke of feeling old. Almost as if he wanted to say more, but stopped himself. Of course there was the weird technology prohibition, which I still couldn't make sense of. Of course the most startling aspect of it all was my own inexplicable draw to him; we had only experienced minutes of interaction, and yet I found myself tossing and turning unable to rid my mind of his face. I was making myself crazy, dreaming up hidden meanings and nuances where there probably were none.

But his hands, his hands had felt so _right_ as they guided me. Almost, but not quite, like a lover's. Mike's hands had never made me feel such startling warmth, even in our most intimate moments. Edward's smile as we spoke had been shy as a boy's, and yet his eyes betrayed intensity beyond his years.

I felt the wetness between my legs as my hand began moving against my center, almost without volition. The need for friction was almost unbearable, and I turned over, pressing myself down into the mattress, my hand cupping my sex. But it was not my hand, it was Edward's, and his long fingers parted my folds and entered, deeper, and deeper and they couldn't get deep enough, full enough, until I was falling, rising, and shattering into pieces, sobbing into my pillow because of this longing that I felt so keenly but didn't understand.

I drifted into a fitful sleep, his name on my lips.

EPOV

I paused outside Bella's door on the way to my room, listening, for what? I don't know. I knew it was an invasion of her privacy, but I wanted to hear, to wait for sounds that indicated her evening ritual as she bedded down for the night. I was puzzled, and more than a little anxious, when instead my ear was met with muffled cries, stifled but still audible. Was she crying? Yes, she obviously was. But why? I wanted to know, instantly chagrined with myself for this desire. Instead of knocking, I placed my hand on her door, willing her to be soothed. After what seemed like an eternity but was probably five minutes, the sounds quieted; she had obviously found rest. I removed my hand, shaking my head and retiring.

I was uncomfortable in my room, a space that usually brought me comfort in solitude. Like the rest of the house, it was sparsely decorated, neatly arranged. Looking around it now, this night, it felt cold.

It was my custom to read for a while before sleeping, and I grabbed a book from the bedside shelf, leaning back against the headboard and opening to the place where I had left off the night before.

The narrative was one I knew well, a seemingly simple story about a man at the end of his days and a fish and their battle for survival and, eventually, their understanding and respect for one another. Even in death. Hemingway had always been one of my favorite writers, his prose without ornament, clean yet rich.

I too had felt like a man at the end of his days.

But this evening the story rang hollowly to me.

Casting the book aside, I allowed my thoughts to drift to where they wanted to go, to the room of the girl down the hall, her dark eyes and hair now pillowing softly around her head (I imagined).

How strange it felt to have these stirrings, feelings I hadn't felt in years, had thought were dead. And for this girl I barely knew. How strange.

When she entered the studio that evening, smiling uncertainly as we began class, I felt the need to guide her, to make her comfortable. And so I stayed with her, laying my hands on her body and aligning her movements. My hands remembered the feel of her muscles moving under her thin, obviously newly purchased, clothing.

I recognized that there was a desire beyond the desire of a teacher to aid his student in my actions. And this would not do. Could not be.

I stood back, moved away, when what I wanted to do is move toward. _That_ desire is what made me ask her to stay back and speak with me after class, alone, even though I knew I shouldn't.

She moved with grace, though from our conversation I garnered that she thought she was clumsy. Her earnestness made her different from other women who came to the studio, trying to catch my eye by showing off their knowledge of my art. Little did they know it was a futile enterprise.

Bella wasn't like that.

_Bella._

I chuckled when I thought of our earlier exchange. Her humor was, like her, without guile. I found myself looking forward to the morning, to seeing her again and speaking with her.

But as soon as these thoughts entered my mind I recognized that they had no business there. I could not be with Bella (_nor any woman_, a voice in my mind whispered). I groaned loudly, fisting my sheets. I had lost that privilege long ago.


	4. Tortoise

**Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight; I own Yogiward.**

**A/N: So this is a bit longer than the other chapters; a lot of stuff going on here. I was originally planning on posting tomorrow, but I got lucky with some extra time today so here it is. I hope you don't mind :) Next chappie, maybe Friday? And then I'm moving to a more regular, once a week schedule. I just had a lot of stuff to get out there, setting the groundwork and all. Hope you enjoy.**

Chapter Four: Tortoise

BPOV

I awoke in the morning to a soft knock, feeling as if I hadn't slept at all. Strange dreams had plagued my rest; in the one I remembered most vividly, I entered Mike's apartment with my key, and walked slowly down a corridor towards his living room, following sounds that were obviously not meant for my ears. Entering the room, I saw Jessica and Mike, just as I had found them in real life, entwined on the pullout sofa. Jessica was straddling Mike and slowly moving, obscuring his face. But, whereas in the real scenario I had turned and left immediately, in my dream I stood still, watching the couple on the bed. Slowly, they turned to me, and it was not Mike's face I saw revealed underneath Jessica, it was Edward's. He looked remorseful. Even in my dream I felt the bile rising.

Ugh. What was my subconscious trying to do to me?

I shook off the dream and stood, padding to the door to acknowledge the knocker. There was no one there. But looking down the hall I caught a glimpse of bronze hair.

_Edward_.

God, I had to get a grip. These dreams and crazy sexual fantasies had to stop. Reality check: I was a guest here, a student, and there was a "no-fraternization" rule that Edward himself had created. Moreover, I had only met the man yesterday and had ONE real conversation with him. _But it meant more…there was something…And during class, the way he touched me… _No, no, no! I yelled at the hopeful voice in my head.

How I was going to get through the next two days without betraying myself as a total nutter was beyond me.

I would just have to be calm, perform my yogic breathing or whatever, and do my best to think rational, sane thoughts that didn't involve throwing Edward down on the floor and ravishing him.

_As if he would want me anyway_.

I sighed and slipped out of my room towards the shower.

...

During breakfast, a delicious goat cheese and chive omelet (fresh from the Center's own hens, of course), we chatted and made plans for our second day. Rose and Alice looked a bit worse for wear, both of them feeling the residual effect of the cosmos that Alice had concocted the night before. Our table held the same occupants as it had at dinner: Eric, Tyler, Angela, and her mother Denise had begun to feel like old friends. I smiled as I watched Eric and Tyler interact with one another; they had a teasing and affectionate relationship and you could tell they were very much in love. I felt a stab of envy.

"…And of _course_ he forgot his passport," Eric smiled at his partner as he concluded his story, "But it turned out to be a blessing, since we ended up spending an extra two weeks in Rome!" They had gotten married the previous summer, one of the reasons for their original relocation to Massachusetts. Their honeymoon sounded wonderful, a month-long trip around the Italian peninsula. I had never even been outside of the U.S., unless you count Canada as another country, which I kinda didn't.

My eyes scanned the room, again, for Edward, and were, again, disappointed. Emmett and Jasper were seated at a table with several guests, including the woman I recognized as Irina. They were laughing and talking, but Emmett's brother was noticeably absent.

Rose noticed my roving gaze and waved her hand in front of my face.

"Helloooo? I asked you a question. Do you or do you not want to come to the spa with us after breakfast?"

I turned my attention back to my friends. "Well, what are my other options?"

"Bella," Alice complained. She was particularly whiney when hung-over. "This weekend is supposed to be about relaxing, and we're going to get mani-pedis and massages. You really could use a manicure," she decreed, eyeing my stubby nails. "The other option is going on a hike through the freaking wilderness…"

A hike? Hmm. I wasn't particularly fond of hiking, but nor was I fond of spa days with Alice. She always lured me in with promises of relaxation and female bonding, but what I got was waxed, buffed, polished, and unable to recognize myself in the mirror. Or wear underwear for days. I grimaced at the thought.

"Bella, you're more than welcome to come with us," Tyler interjected, "Eric and I are going hiking with the group. The trails around here are particularly amazing, and there are some spectacular views from the summit. And Edward knows so much about the local plant and wildlife, you'll learn a lot."

That kind of decided things, didn't it? _No, don't go there_, the voice in my head protested. _Nothing good will come of this_!

"That actually sounds great, guys. I think I will."

"Since when are you into hiking, Bella?" Rose asked me, wrinkling her nose.

"Well, seeing as though we're at a yoga retreat center and I'm not into yoga, apparently I'm turning over a new leaf, Rose, you know, trying new things and all that."

"Okaaaay," she eyed me skeptically then whispered, "This wouldn't have anything to do with a certain yoga instructor-slash- trail guide, would it?" Her hangover was apparently making her perceptive.

"Whatever do you mean?" I asked innocently.

"Right," she concluded, settling back; then conspiratorially leaned forward. "Don't think I didn't notice your interest last night in finding out info on Edward. I wasn't that drunk..."

I blushed.

"Bella, it's okay! Just trust me, I'm on it. I'll find out Edward's deal from Emmett, no problem."

"Rose, I don't want you to do that!" I hissed under my breath, looking around nervously to see if anyone was listening. They weren't.

"Bella…if you're so worked up that just confirms you_ were _thinking about him."

"Maybe a little, teensy bit," I admitted.

"Ah-ha!" she announced victoriously and a little too loudly, soliciting a curious look from Angela. Where matters of the heart were concerned, or, should I say _my_ heart, neither of my friends was particularly subtle.

"So, Angela," I tactically deflected, "you said you went to Oberlin College. Where exactly is that in Ohio?"

...

One hour later, I found myself standing in front of the Center with Eric, Tyler, and three other guests waiting for our guide. Angela and her mother had decided to stay with Rose and Alice and treat themselves to a day at the spa. From the way Angela looked at me as I left her after breakfast, I couldn't help but suspect she hung back to allow me some "alone" time with Edward. _As alone as you could get with five other people_. Maybe she had overheard our conversation after all?

Alice had been a bit miffed that I had opted for hiking over beauty, but Rose was silently supportive. I had to hand it to Alice, though; she had packed considering everything I might need. :ooking down at my cargo shorts and sneakers appreciatively, I fought back a laugh as I recalled the scene that had just unfolded inside. Just before I left, Alice had come bounding up to me, hugging me fiercely.

"Oh Bella be careful! Jasper told me that this is bear country! You know what to do if you encounter a bear?"

" Run like hell?"

"Noooo! Apparently that's the worst thing you can do. You have to play dead."

"That's only for grizzlies," said Emmett, sauntering up to Rose. "For a black bear, you have to make yourself look as big as possible, so they think you're a threat and not a meal. And make a lot of loud noise."

Seeing my face fall, he teased, "Don't be scared Bella. Edward will protect you."

Now what was _that_ supposed to mean? I glared at Rose.

"Oh, I'm not scared." I countered. "We have lots of bears in Washington State. Grizzlies…you know, the real kind."

Emmett laughed and looked around before slinging his arm around Rose's shoulder and whispering something in her ear. She stifled a laugh, elbowing him in the ribs. Apparently, they had gotten rather "close" last night after all.

I'd had enough, and headed outside to wait with the others for Edward.

He arrived soon after, jogging up to us and apologizing for his lateness.

Apology accepted.

His beauty was arresting, the deep green shirt he wore accenting his eyes and making my heart thump in my chest. He greeted me with a light smile.

"Good morning, Bella. I hope you had a good night's sleep?"

"Yeah, it was great," I lied. "It's easy to sleep well with no alarm clocks or annoying phone calls."

"That's the hope," he answered as if he didn't quite believe me.

Turning to the group, Edward gave us the details about where we were going. Apparently, a section of the Mohawk trail was nearby and ran along the ridge of two small mountains, which could be accessed by a moderate climb at the back of the house. Though it was still March, it had been an early, warm spring, and Edward predicted we'd find oyster mushrooms along the way, which he planned to harvest for dinner that evening. All in all, the hike would take about 4 hours round-trip.

We murmured our acquiescence and followed as he led the way; I walked in back with Eric and Tyler, and half-listened as they expressed their enthusiasm for this particular trail, one of their favorite things about coming to the Center. I was glad for the distraction, trying not to focus on Edward's perfectly shaped behind. Or the way his calf muscles flexed with effort as we began the gradual ascent. Or the way his hair stood up at all angles, despite his subconscious attempts to tame it. _Settle down, Bella. Remember: calm, sane, rational. Calm, sane, rational._ The refrain became my own personal mantra as we trudged on.

Soon, however, the gradual ascent turned into a grueling climb. I hadn't hiked in years, and, despite my small frame, the others were far more fit than I. It had rained late during the night, which made the steep and rocky trail slippery, forcing me to use nearby saplings to brace myself. Even then, I found myself falling further and further behind, fighting back tears of frustration.

I wished I could be up at the front with Edward, matching him stride for stride_. I can do this. I can do this. _

Finally, the terrain began to even, and I came upon the group as they crouched over a tree stump peppered with medium-sized, shell-like fungi. Edward was clearly excited, and, noticing my arrival, gestured for me to move closer. I tried to disguise my hurt at being left to fend for myself on the trail. I had made it after all, and on my own. What had I expected?

He was explaining the various uses for this particular mushroom, how to distinguish it from a look-alike, poisonous cousin. All I could think of was how wrong I had been the night before in imagining a connection between us. He clearly felt nothing, barely glancing in my direction. _But you already knew this._ Yes. But it stung nonetheless.

Eric and Tyler began collecting the mushrooms under Edward's direction, as he looked on, pleased with his find. Once they were finished, we continued on our journey. This time, I hung behind purposefully, not wanting to join in their conversation in my dark mood. The area was beautiful, though, and the visual pleasure it brought me began to chip away at my sullenness; by the time we were heading back, I was unconsciously smiling.

"See something you like?" I was so immersed in the experience that I hadn't noticed Edward appear at my side, and I was startled.

"Jeez!" I exclaimed, collecting myself. "You sure know how to sneak up on a girl."

He looked contrite. "Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

"No harm, no foul," I said, brushing it off. Apparently, I was still harboring a little resentment. I attempted to switch gears. "But to answer your question, yes, I do see something I like."

Did he just blush?

"A lot of things, actually," I explained, indicating the scenic vista we were standing before.

"It is pretty wonderful up here," he agreed.

"Yes it is."

...

EPOV

I knew Bella was struggling behind us, but I made no attempt to help her. For one thing, it was my job to guide the group, and they needed me to lead the way. But, if I was being honest with myself, it was more than that. I was uncomfortable being alone with her; she unarmed me in a way that made me nervous. And then there was my undeniable attraction to her—an attraction that I had vowed to eradicate the night before. I would be nothing but professional towards her, pay her no more attention than I did anyone else. So I left her to fend for herself on the slippery rocks while I chatted with other guests, loathing myself.

When she approached us at the top of the hill, looking angry and close to tears, I was full of remorse. I realized that by not helping her, I _had _signaled her out from the other guests, because I would have helped anyone else who was having difficulty in that situation. It was because Bella was special to me that I neglected her.

I motioned her over to us, hoping to make her feel included, but she was wary and standoffish, and continued to be so. She had obviously noticed my behavior and was upset by it. _It was for the best_, I told myself.

Unable to stop myself from looking back at her, I noticed she was smiling again and, without thinking, I left my position at the front of the group and found myself next to Bella, needing to know what was making her smile.

She was a bit testy at first, and rightly so. Against my better judgment, I fell into stride beside her.

"So, how come you know so much about all this stuff?" she asked, gesturing around.

"Oh, well, that's easy. This is where I grew up."

"Really? And you've always lived here?"

"For the most part," I answered, evading her question. She didn't seem to notice.

"It's wonderful to love a place so much you never want to leave it."

"Yes, and no. If you love a place so much, and you are made to leave it, that can be painful."

She looked at me questioningly, willing me to go on. But I didn't.

"Did you ever go to college?" she asked.

"No, I never made it that far," I smirked. "School wasn't really my "thing."

"Well that's alright. College isn't everything."

"Indeed," I replied tersely. She was instantly apologetic.

"I'm sorry, Edward, I didn't mean to insinuate you needed my affirmation. Everyone knows that college is a lot of crap." Bella smiled, making me forget my irritation. "I mean, I went for four years and look where it got me! No job, no money, no boyfriend…."

I raised my eyebrow at her. I hadn't even considered the possibility that she could have a boyfriend, and the thought filled me with irrational jealousy.

"I mean, I did. Have those things. But not anymore."

"What happened, Bella? If you want to talk about it, that is." I wanted to comfort her, wipe away the traces of sadness that lined her smile, and had to restrain my hand from doing just that.

I didn't think she would want to get into it, so I was surprised when she launched into the tale of how she had wound up here, courtesy of Rose and Alice. This man, this cretin, Mike sounded like a real winner, fucking her best friend on a couch that they, he and Bella, had purchased together. It infuriated me that someone had treated her like this. He didn't deserve her. _Neither do you_.

She noticed my grimace and paused.

"Edward, what's wrong?"

"He didn't deserve you," I said through clenched jaw. The words had slipped out. Like I said, she unarmed me.

My statement appeared to please her, however, and we switched to more lighthearted topics, discovering we shared similar tastes in books and music.

"Hemingway is one of my favorite authors," Bella affirmed. "Isn't it pretty to think so?"

"_The Sun Also Rises_," I correctly identified the text that contained the line she had quoted.

"Saddest last line of any novel, ever."

"I'm not sure about that." I challenged. "What about Camus? 'For everything to be consummated, for me to feel less alone, I had only to wish that there be a large crowd of spectators the day of my execution and that they greet me with cries of hate."

"You know _The Stranger_?"

She was impressed.

"I read it once or twice." That particular book held more meaning to me than I was willing to share.

"You surprise me, Mr. Cullen."

"Mr. Cullen?"

"Err, I don't know…do you have a "yogi title" or something? Master Cullen, perhaps?"

"Edward will do just fine."

"And do you identify with the main character, Meursault, Edward?" She was not letting me get away from Camus easily. Why had I brought it up.?

"Not at all. I wish I did. He felt no remorse for his actions."

"Do you feel he got what he deserved?"

"Perhaps."

We had reached the stretch of trail that Bella had struggled with earlier; the others were far ahead of us, for we were walking slowly down the incline. I realized that Bella was holding onto my arm, using it for balance. I tried to ignore it, but the way she held her body against mine as she searched for firm footing did things to me. I felt a tightening in my groin and fruitlessly wished it away, hoping she wouldn't notice. _How had I let myself get this close to her again?_

I couldn't pull away now, however, since she was using me for leverage. I clenched my jaw and willed my mind to focus on anything but her delicious smell, made intense by her proximity.

Luckily, my torture was short lived, as the descent was much quicker. Once the ground evened out, I gently removed her arm from mine; I thought I detected a hint of disappointment on her face.

The next thing that occurred took me completely off guard. Not three feet away from Bella and I stood Billy Black, his faced more lined than I remembered it, leaning on the same gnarled cane he'd used ever since I'd known him.

"Edward."

"Billy."

With a nod of recognition, I steered Bella away, not looking back.

"Who was that?" She asked once we were out of earshot.

"An old friend's father," I replied dismissively.

"Well, you didn't seem very friendly with him. Not friends with the old friend, anymore?"

"No."

She looked as if she'd say more, but I cut her off.

"He's dead, Bella. Just drop it." I was sorry to be harsh with her, but I couldn't have this conversation. I just needed to get away.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I have to go." I left her there, her mouth opened in a small "o" of confusion.

"No. I'm sorry," I thought I heard her whisper.

...

BPOV

I spent the rest of the day in a fog, trying to decipher what had happened between Edward and me on the trail. My anger at his seeming indifference had dissipated once we had begun talking. And the conversation had been wonderful; it had felt easy, comfortable, the earlier doubts I'd had seemingly proven foolish. There was electricity between us as we touched; the feel of his body next to mine igniting that ache again, and enticing my dammed traitorous nipples to full attention. I was sure that he felt it too. Everything had been going so well. _Until he moved your hand away. _Ugh! Stupid voice!

Obviously, seeing the old man had greatly upset him. Something had happened to Edward's friend. He had died. But how? It was clear that Edward didn't want to discuss it; that was why he had run off. I felt tears prick the corners of my eyes as I remembered his face as he had guided me away from Billy: ashen, as if he'd seen a ghost_. As if he was one._

He wasn't at lunch; that much I expected. I decided I would speak to him after the evening yoga class. I pointed and flexed my toes, feeling the stiffness of my legs from the hike made me look forward to the class even more.

Rose looked pleased as we sat chatting in the sitting room after the meal. She and Emmett had gone on another "walk," and, though she didn't divulge any details, I had a feeling that they were really hitting it off. I was happy for her. Her last relationship hadn't gone well, and she seemed to really like Emmett. He was clearly smitten with her, staring at her all googly-eyed and poking his head in the room every so often to see if us girls "needed anything."

The spa had clearly assisted Alice in recovery from her hangover since she was back to her usual talkative self. She was jabbering on to Angela about the newest spring fashions. I sent her a sympathetic glance, and she smiled at me, shrugging. She didn't seem to mind, her quiet disposition apparently perfectly suited for someone like Alice, who never let anyone get a word in edgewise. Interestingly, we hadn't heard any more about Jasper, and I assumed that meant the pursuit wasn't going well. But, if there's one thing I knew, it was never to underestimate my friend.

When they asked me about the hike, I was deliberately vague, not mentioning the conversation Edward and I had had or the encounter in the woods. I felt, somehow, that he wouldn't want them to know.

As evening approached I found myself more and more nervous, and at dinner hardly ate a thing. Except for Edward's oyster mushrooms, which had been lightly sautéed with garlic and sherry, their earthiness made pungent and sweet. Luckily, no one said anything about my lack of appetite; I wouldn't have known how to excuse myself, having always been a hearty eater.

I changed into the teensy tiny shorts that Alice had so smartly purchased. If I was going to this, I was going to use _all _my assets. And my ass was my number one. Asset.

I felt a surge of confidence as I looked in the mirror. _Not bad_.

Tripping down to studio A, I encountered Angela, who informed me that Edward would not be teaching that evening. Apparently, he wasn't feeling well and the beginners were going to attend class in studio B with Jasper, who would give us easy modifications of the more difficult poses.

This news devastated me. Now I wouldn't see him. We were leaving tomorrow and perhaps now I never would. I knew he wasn't sick, not unless he had caught a cold in the last six hours. He was avoiding me, of that I was certain.

I fought back tears for the third time that day, and followed Angela to class.

After going through the motions and suffering through Alice's mating display, I was eager for a shower and bed. I returned to my room and gathered the things I needed, heading down the hall with my shampoo.

Though the water ran smoothly down my body and was soothing in its way, I couldn't be soothed. That this man had so quickly become so meaningful to me was alarming, but the thought that I wouldn't see him again was more than I could bear. Finally allowing myself to release, my tears mixed with the water and washed me clean.

...

EPOV

What an asshole I was, leaving Bella there without even a word. But I couldn't face her, her sympathetic expression as she realized the gravity of the situation. If I let myself go I would break and nothing, not yoga, not my brother, not Bella, would ever be able to fix me again.

And Billy, what was he doing here? After all this time, I hadn't heard a word from him. The last time I'd saw him, it was to bring him Jake's ashes.

I went to seek out Jasper, as he was the only one who really understood. Not even Emmett could relate to my experience, and that was hard for him as well as for me. We had always been close, but the last 5 years had been difficult.

The funny thing was I hadn't though of Jake in months; and now, this weekend, were two arrivals that threatened to uproot the calm life I had created. Billy. And Bella.

Just as I was about to give up my search for my friend, I heard noises in the kitchen. I looked through the round waiter window and was astonished to see Jasper_ kissing_ Bella's friend Alice. Or, to be more accurate,_ her _kissing _him_. He didn't seem to mind, however, and immediately wrapped his arms around her back, pulling her close.

We had a strict policy against guest/staff relations, but I wasn't in the mood to barge in and enforce it like some kind of cock-blocking policeman. I backed away, nearly tripping over a chair in the dining room. What I needed was a long run, and then a shower. I left a note for Jasper canceling my evening class, thinking wistfully that I wouldn't see Bella that evening. _Or maybe ever_, since she was leaving tomorrow.

I ran for miles, until the sun had set and I was exhausted.

By the time I made it back to the Center, it was already close to lights out. I grabbed my towel from my room and headed to the shower. I swung the door open and was shocked to find…

_Bella_

_Wet_

_Naked…_

I was too stunned to immediately look away, and she seemed equally paralyzed. I glimpsed the curly damp hair that covered her _there_, the pert dusky nipple of her left breast, before she managed to cover herself with her towel, and before enough sense returned for me to avert my gaze. It was horrible that I had looked, had allowed myself to look, for her as well as me.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," I muttered attempting to explain, "the door wasn't locked…I didn't hear water…"

"I was just drying off," her eyes were wide, but she didn't seem angry. Her breath quickened, and she took a step toward me.

"Edward…" The way she said my name lit frenzy inside me. I had to restrain myself from ripping away her towel and doing unspeakable things to her. She stepped towards me again.

"Edward, I'm so sorry."

I scoffed. "What are you apologizing for? Bella, you're always apologizing. You didn't do anything."

"That's not what I meant," she said simply, reaching out and touching my arm. I noticed her eyes for the first time; they were red and swollen, as if she had been crying. Because of me?

"Don't. Bella. Just don't." I squeezed my eyes shut and stepped backward.

"Edward…."she began again, but I was already moving away, away from her. _Again._

And back to the solitude of my room.

There would be no sleep for me tonight. Still sweaty from my run, I paced my room. One side of me was looking for something to tear, to destroy, while the other tried to calm its evil twin. Deep breaths. Inhale. This is what I taught in yoga, helping people to control themselves and their emotions, and I couldn't even control myself.

What made it more excruciating was the horrible _desire_ that welled up inside me, threatening to claw its way out. I was hard, had been hard since I saw her naked and exposed before me. She was not ashamed. Not frightened. Like she wanted me to see. My erection threatened to rip a hole in my running shorts; it was massive, demanding, would not be ignored despite my will. I'd never felt such sheer lust; I felt like an animal, and if Bella had been in the room, I would have feared for her safety. This was one of the many reasons I had run from her.

Taking decisive action, I yanked down my shorts, allowing my length to bob free, purple and aroused as it had ever been. Taking it in my hand, I massaged it brutally, thinking of only Bella, her breasts, her mound, the feel of her body under my hands, her hands on me. Finally, it was too much and I tossed my head back in a growl of agonized relief which blinded me as I came so hard each spurt was painful. And still, as I held myself in my hand, I wanted more.

I lay back on my bed, spent and destroyed, utterly.

**A/N Whew! Press review and let me know what you think! If I haven't yet responded to your comments or reviews (which I appreciate so so much!) it's 'cause I was working so hard on this chapter. I will always respond to specific questions, and I thank you so much for your encouragement with TCS. If you like this story, tell your friends :) **

Bella and Edward's book quotes are from:

Camus, Albert. _The Stranger_. New York: Knopf, 1989.

Hemingway, Ernest. _The Sun Also Rises_. New York: Scribner, 2006.

You don't need to know what the books are about to understand the story, but if you want more info let me know!


	5. Camel

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight; I own Yogiward.**

**A/N: This chapter focuses a bit on yoga philosophy and teachings. I'm not a religious person, nor am I that versed in yoga philosophy (I hope I don't butcher it too badly!), but I think this background is necessary to understand where Edward's coming from.**

**Just hang in there...we're gonna start getting answers, slowly but surely :)**

Chapter Five: Camel.

EPOV

Waking on Sunday, I was filled with shame for my behavior the previous evening. Not only had I walked in on Bella and stared at her like some sort of deviant, I had used the experience to bring myself pleasure. Well, pleasure laced with pain.

For the past five years, I had strictly adhered to Patanjali's philosophy as set down in his _Yoga Sutras_, an ancient compilation of guidelines widely considered one of the foundational texts of the discipline. And that is exactly what it was for me. The Eight Limbs of Yoga, each of them a step moving from bodily to mental discipline, had helped me to focus and calm my mind when nothing else could. They had brought me back from the brink of madness. If Carlisle had not suggested I take it up, who knew where I would be now? _If_ I would be?

While most people who casually practiced yoga saw it as bodily exercise, with maybe a hint of Eastern spirituality, I knew its powerful healing powers for the soul. Tattered as mine was, at least it still existed…I hoped.

Yet since Bella had arrived at the Center, I had broken each of the five abstentions, or _yamas_, that formed the first limb of the practice. I had been violent, untruthful, covetous, aroused, possessive, when I should have acted in the opposite way. While I had often struggled with these prohibitions in the past, I had never so completely overruled and discarded them. Yoga's philosophy of self-restraint, discipline, and peacefulness provided me with routine, quieted my mind.

Now that I had broken all of the _yamas_, my mind was unleashed; I couldn't focus on anything but her, couldn't feel anything for myself but loathing.

Of course it wasn't her fault; how could she have known that walking into my life would alter it so utterly? She didn't see how she affected me. I hardly knew how she, after so brief an acquaintance, had unraveled me.

And then there was Billy…seeing him yesterday in the woods had only exacerbated my struggle. He had looked careworn, the life spark I'd always admired, dimmed. When he left town after Jacob died and I had returned, no one knew where he had gone. He had simply disappeared. Why had he come back five years later?

On my way to the morning class, I vowed to get myself back under control. I would practice the restraints again. Bella would be leaving today. I wouldn't see her again.

Though that thought was meant to bring me comfort, it made me physically ill with longing. Would she be in class? Would I see her again? Would she want me to?

Reaching studio A, my questions were answered. Bella was sitting cross-legged on her mat looking towards the door expectantly. She smiled wanly at me when I entered, her fatigue apparent in the circles under her eyes. She hadn't slept well either, I thought, feeling guilty I had been the cause. I met her gaze, willing her to see the apology in my eyes and offering a small smile.

Though her expression didn't alter, I hoped she knew what I meant.

Forcing my attention back to the task at hand, I welcomed the class and began the session with meditation.

While the students sat and chanted the verses I gave them, I was only focused on Bella; only focusing on trying not to focus on her, really. With her eyes closed, and her mouth forming syllables of a language she didn't understand, she looked innocently beautiful, her long wavy hair drawn up in a bun at the nape of her neck, leaving only a few wispy hairs to frame her face. I was filled with an urge to protect her, a stark contrast the lust she had ignited in me the night before.

As I instructed the guests what to do and helped them with assists, something I had done everyday for years, I found myself, for the first time, only going through the motions. My mind and my body seemed utterly disconnected; while I stood in one place with a student at the other end of the room, all I wanted to do was be with Bella, helping her.

All of the promises I had made myself on the way to class dissipated. In that moment, I just wanted to keep her near. I didn't want a calm, sane, or quiet mind if it meant that I'd never see her again.

The woman I was working with, Irina, seemed to notice my inattention. She had been coming to the studio for two years, and I knew she was interested in me. I had politely but firmly turned her down each time she had made advances, but she wasn't easily dissuaded.

Irina looked up at me quizzically, her forehead furrowed, and I used great effort to draw my awareness back to the task at hand. Once she thought she had my full attention, she put more _effort_ into her movements, even going so far as to grind her hips back against me as I assisted her in downward dog. I inwardly cringed and took a step backwards, glancing over at Bella.

Bella was looking at us with a smirk, obviously having noticed Irina's…enthusiasm.

Finally it was Bella's turn, a moment my schizophrenic mind both dreaded and desired. I would only assist her as much as was necessary, only touch her as much as was needed, my rational mind avowed. She glanced up at me from behind the curtain of her hair, which had become loose during her practice and fell cascading down her shoulders. As she moved to fix her bun, I caught a waft of fragrance reminiscent of strawberries and cognac. It looked so soft; I could lose myself in her hair. _Touch_ said my irrational mind.

The series of sun salutations that we were performing were a bit more advanced than the ones from Friday's class, and Bella's alignment in the Warrior 2 posture was off. I stood behind her as she bent her right leg and straightened her left, urging her hips open with my hands and aligning them to center. I pressed her quadriceps gently, encouraging an outward rotation of the muscle.

Her torso was uneven as well, so I ghosted my hands to her ribcage, gently moving it into place over her hips. Now my hands were directly below her breasts, _the ones I had seen last night, rose on white_. I groaned, hopefully not loudly.

Though she was facing away from me, I heard a small gasp I moved again, next placing my fingers on her neck and shoulders, willing the muscles to relax despite her outstretched arms. There I lingered for perhaps a beat too long, losing track of the narration of the class. Under my large hands her neck was delicate, covered at the nape by a fine down of brown hair; the sight was mesmerizing.

I felt myself growing aroused, which was a bit of a problem considering the tight yoga shorts I was wearing. If I faced the class, they would surely notice my erection—a completely unacceptable and unprofessional sight. This thought made me increasingly flustered. I rarely fumbled in class, and it unnerved me that I had lost my words.

Bella looked back at me, noticing my distressed expression, her eyebrows knitted together in uncertainty.

I dropped my hands from her neck and stepped back, willing my arousal away. It wasn't working.

"Excuse me for a moment," I apologized to the class, still facing away and quickly exiting the room, leaving them all in confusion.

Outside the studio, I leaned against the door. _What the fuck was I thinking?_ I was insane. Jeopardizing my professional reputation and the status of the Center by acting like a hormonal teenaged idiot. Touching someone intimately who very likely did not want to be touched by me. _And even if she did, it didn't matter…_

These thoughts did the trick, my erection quickly fading.

When I re-entered the classroom, all eyes were on me. I made a concerted effort not to look at Bella.

"In place of final relaxation today, I would like to tell you a story," I stated, looking around at the class, who were seated again on their mats. They all instinctively closed their eyes. Good.

Sitting cross-legged in front of the class, I began reading from the notes I had jotted earlier that morning.

"According to Hindu scriptures, King Kaushika was an ancient Indian king, the son of a noble lineage, and a brave warrior in battle. Once he ascended the throne, he ruled for many thousands of years.

During one of his exploits, Kaushika and his army entered a religious hermitage where they were well fed and cared for by their host, a sage named Vashista. According to Vashista, all of the sustenance he proffered was provided by one magical calf, which provided the hermitage's inhabitants with everything they needed.

Seeing this calf as a valuable acquisition for his kingdom, Kaushika requested it as a gift. Vashista refused, and a terrible battle ensued. Using his yogic powers, Vashista created a powerful army and routed Kaushika and his men, and the king was captured and presented to the sage. Yet, instead of taking retribution, Vashista pardoned Kaushika and sent him away.

The incident made the king realize how much more powerful penance was over physical might, and he vowed to fast and mediate for thousands of years in order to become as wise and powerful as Vashista. While he was eventually blessed and made a royal sage by the Hindu god Brahma, this was not enough for him.

He performed more penance, attaining even more recognition, but still it was not enough. He gave up his kingdom, his worldly goods, and, all the while, he was tempted to break his abstentions. Various women enter his life, sent by those who wished him failure. Once, he gave in, fathering a child with the beautiful nymph Menaka, whom he loved passionately and without reason. This union, however, distracted him from his penance, and in order to regain good favor with Brahma, he renounced sensual pleasure."

I paused here, wondering if my story was having the desired effect. It occurred to me that this was a cowardly way of saying what I needed to say. I looked over at Bella.

She had opened her eyes, and was looking directly at me; her mouth was set in a hard line. _I guess so._

"10,000 years later, Brahma awarded Kaushika with the title of _Brahmarishi_, the highest of all holy men, Vashista's equal. Yet, ironically, all of the many thousands of years of penance had allowed Kaushika to let go of his original anger towards Vashista. Instead of using his new-found power for personal gain, he was named _Vishwamitra_, or _Friend of the Universe,_ vowing his aid to anyone that needed assistance, irregardless of hardship to himself."

I finished, glancing around the room. Most of the guests were smiling slightly, thinking about the message of the story; it really was a simple one. Penance and self-discipline, what the Hindus call _tapas_, had allowed Kaushika to give up his worldly selfish concerns and to live with compassion and understanding.

It was a familiar story with echoes in many religious texts, but after I had finished, I wondered if telling it was the right thing to do.

Bella was really glaring at me now.

She stood up, crossing her arms and turning, leaving the room without a glance backward. She had left her mat on the floor.

This would not do. My irrational mind was back in charge, urging me up and out the door after her. I exited only to see Bella's slight form disappearing around the corner, towards the stairs to her room.

I quickly followed behind, not catching up to her until we were up the stairs and back in the staff quarters. Bella was fumbling in her bag for the room key.

"Bella…" I said hesitantly, coming to stand beside her.

She whirled around, facing me, glimmers of tears in her eyes despite her angry expression.

"What the fuck was that, Edward?" she demanded.

"What was what?"

"You fucking know what I'm talking about…that fucking story you just told."

"I can explain…"

She cut me off.

"What I am supposed to think, Edward? You were looking right at me when you told that dumb story. Who am I supposed to be? That Maracka chick? And who are you? King Krapawhata doing his penance on the mountain?"

I was ashamed, feeling more and more like a fool. Apparently my attempt at allegory was more obvious than I'd thought. _But wasn't that the point of telling the story_? Bella had it spot on. I didn't know what to say.

"No, Bella, I'm certainly no King."

"No," she replied bitterly, "you're a fucking saint."

"I'm not that, either."

"Well what the fuck are you, Edward? 'Cause you don't seem to know."

"Bella, I apologize for you thinking that I meant that story for you."

"Didn't you?"

"Yes. And no. I don't know."

She sighed loudly.

"I'll tell you what, Edward. This whole hot and cold thing you've got going on here is just really annoying. I know I've only been here a couple of days, but in that time you've changed your attitude so many times my head is spinning."

"I know," I admitted. "And I'm sorry."

"So am I."

"What are you sorry for?" I couldn't help but ask.

"God, Edward, for someone so "in tune" with the world or whatever you'd have us believe, you're really pretty thick." She huffed, going on, "It's crazy, and I can't believe I'm admitting this to you after all that just happened, since you've made it abundantly clear you don't feel the same way. But I'm leaving in an hour anyway so it doesn't even fucking matter, since I won't ever see you again."

Her words hit me like the shock of cold water. I was reeling as she continued, a bit more subdued now.

"The reason I came up here, well, was forced up here by my friends, was because of my breakup…."

"I know."

"Just let me finish."

I nodded.

"But since I've been here, I haven't thought about Mike. At all. Which is kinda weird, now, isn't it?"

"Why haven't you been thinking about him?"

"Because of you."

Her simple words were what I'd both dreaded and longed to hear.

She turned her body to face me completely.

"I thought you might feel it too," she said softly.

"I do." The words left my throat in a whisper.

"Then why….?"

I had confused her; hell, I had confused myself. What was I doing to this girl?

"Bella," I said, brushing away the hair that had again come loose. " I do feel it too."

She smiled broadly. I hated to have to say what I was going to say next.

"But…"

Her face fell, her hopeful look replaced again with doubt.

"I'm sorry. It can't be."

"I don't understand," she said dully.

"I wish I could explain, Bella. But you see, I can't be _with_ you. With any woman." I tried to emphasize my meaning.

She looked at me strangely, realization taking place.

"So, what you said in the story, about abstaining from pleasure, that was true?"

I nodded in acquiescence.

"Why?" Her eyes were deep, searching for understanding. I could give her none.

"I'm not a good person, Bella. I would only harm someone like you."

"I don't believe that."

"Believe it."

She was looking down, away from me; I lifted her chin so she would meet my eyes.

"I wish I could be. Someone better. To deserve you."

"You are," she replied firmly.

I scoffed. "Bella, you don't know me. The things I'm capable of. You don't know what I've seen, what I've done."

"Then tell me."

"I can't."

Here eyes were pleading.

"Bella, it's better for you to go. To be as if you never met me. I would only bring you pain. I can't give you what you want."

"How do you know what I want?" she asked skeptically. "How do you know what I want, Edward?"

"Just forget me when you go, Bella."

"I won't."

"Please."

"No." she said emphatically. "I might want to, but I won't."

With that, she turned and entered her room, closing the door behind her.

….

BPOV

I sat numbly on the bed, trying desperately to understand what had just transpired in the hall outside.

I had confessed my attraction to Edward. Sort of. And he had confessed his attraction to me. Sort of.

But it had all been for nothing, because he was…what? Celibate?

When he had walked in on me in the shower the night before, I had seen the heated look in his jade eyes as he took in my body, drinking me in as if he would consume me. I had even enjoyed it, despite the awkwardness of the situation. The struggle was written on his face as he made his decision, turned, and left.

And today, in class, I had felt his arousal pressed against my thigh as he assisted me. The feel of it made me gasp, as I was flooded with desire. I wanted to turn around and lean into him, running my hands through the bronze hair that fell messily over his forehead, to take his full bottom lip between my own.

I knew that was why he had left the room, clearly embarrassed by his situation. And I had felt vindicated, almost proud to have such an effect on him.

Holding my head in my hands, I forced the thoughts away. _It was all for nothing._

I stood and hastily began to pack my bag, willing myself far far away.

….

I met Alice and Rose in the lobby of the center a half hour later.

Rose and Emmett were standing together, speaking quietly. I stood off to the side, but I couldn't help but overhear their conversation.

"Emmett, I have a job," Rose said playfully, touching his side.

"It's only for three weeks; don't you take vacations?" Emmett replied. "Just think about it, Rosie."

_Rosie?_

"It'll be fun," he continued, "it's beautiful up here in the summer."

"I'll think about it, Emmett," she said, giving him one of her trademark killer smiles. The man stood no chance.

"Okay, I guess that's all I can ask," he grinned back.

Alice stood by, clearing her throat. "Ahem…"

Rose shot her a look. "Just a second, Alice."

I motioned to Alice for us to go outside and give them a moment of privacy. Alice huffed and followed along. The air was crisp, much cooler than it had been the day of the hike, as if winter was attempting to reclaim dominion over the land.

Angela and her mother were loading up the car getting ready to leave. They were on their way to visit some family in Boston before heading back to Seattle. I went over to them to say my goodbyes, and was sad to hear that Tyler and Eric had left earlier in the morning. I had really like them, and would have liked to see them off.

If Angela had any questions about what had occurred between Edward and I after class, she kept them to herself. She was such a trustworthy and good-natured person, it was too bad she lived on the other side of the country. I gave her a hug and promised to visit her the next time I went home.

Finally, Rose appeared, followed by Emmett lugging her giant bag. My heart lurched in my chest as I saw Edward emerge after his brother. He stayed just outside the door, looking at me intently. His whole demeanor had drastically altered, his usually straight posture hunched, arms crossed tightly.

Rose and Emmett said their final goodbyes and we loaded our gear into the car. I allowed myself one more glimpse at the man at the top of the stairs. His green eyes bore into mine, but neither of us smiled. Wrenching my eyes away, I climbed into the passengers seat, feeling sick.

…..

During the first part of the car ride home, we sat silently, each lost in our own thoughts. I wasn't about to question Alice about Jasper, as he had been noticeably absent during our departure. And I certainly wasn't going to bring up the fucked-up situation that I had enmeshed myself in during the weekend.

Finally, Alice spoke up. "So, Jasper's a jerk."

Rose took the bait. "What happened with you guys, anyway?"

Alice launched into a diatribe, describing how she and Jasper had made out frantically in the kitchen, but that he had refused to take things further because of the Center policy against fraternization. And he had said he "respected her."

Rose sniggered. "You say that like it's a bad thing, Al."

"It is! And I didn't see Emmett following 'the policy'."

"It wasn't like that, if you must know," Rose assured her. "We didn't do it."

"Yeah, but you probably did _some_ stuff…."

Rose smiled secretly. "That's for me to know and you to…"

"Roooooooooose!"

"Well, it went well. Let's just leave it at that," Rose concluded. "We're going to see each other again, anyway. Emmett was asking me to come up during the summer to attend this three-week retreat thing they do every year, but I don't know if I can get off work for that long. But he's promised to come and visit New York."

"That's great, Rose." It was the first thing I'd said during their exchange.

Neither had asked me about Edward, though I wasn't sure how much either of them knew, since I hadn't really mentioned anything to Alice, and had only spoken of him to Rose very briefly. As if knowing my thoughts, Rose looked at me quickly and then back to the road.

"What went on this weekend with you and Edward, Bella?" she asked.

"Absolutely nothing."

"Oh, I don't believe that!" Alice yelled from the back seat. "Don't think I didn't notice the way you two were looking at each other! I was like, man, just doooo it already!" She giggled, clapping her hands. In Alice's mind, there was no better way to get over a breakup than to screw someone else as quickly as possible.

I smiled sadly at her. I wished.

Rose frowned. "Bella, about Edward…."

"Okay, okay! I'll tell you," I said, cutting her off. I proceeded to narrate my account of the weekend, unveiling all of the strange encounters between Edward and me to my friends. It felt good to unburden myself, and to receive sympathy from Alice, who glared angrily and exclaimed profanities during the appropriate moments of my tale. When I got to the part about the morning's encounter, Alice had completely lost it.

"What the FUCK, Bella!" she screeched. "He's rubbing up on you in class and getting boners and then spewing off some fuckery about ancient Hindu bullshit, and then brushing you off like you're infected with some disease or something! Oh, no. That's just not right."

By now she was panting with the effort of her tirade.

"Lemme go back there! Rose, turn the car around! I'm gonna kick him in the balls!"

"Al, you're being a _little_ dramatic, aren't you?" Rose tried to reason.

Alice glared. "No. I'm not. This is a fucked-up weird situation, and the man needs his balls kicked."

"No, he doesn't," Rose replied.

Huh? I mean, I didn't want to kick him in the balls, exactly, but what was with all the sympathy? I looked to her for clarification.

"Bella," she began slowly, "Remember when I told you that I was gonna get the scoop on Edward for you?"

"Yes," I said hesitantly. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear this.

"Well, I did."

Alice was leaning forward, enraptured. "So? Go on!"

"I asked Emmett about him."

"Rose!" I exclaimed. How freaking embarrassing!

"Not like that, Bella. I didn't tell him I was asking for _you_. I did it...casual-like."

"Sure, sure," I said. Casual was not her style.

"Well, the news is not good. Apparently he's celibate."

Though I already knew this, it was still shocking to hear the words spoken by someone else. Alice and I waited for her to go on, the tension thick in the car.

"Bella. Edward is really fucked up. Emmett told me that he was a soldier in Iraq. That's where he met Jasper. When he came back, he was just crazy. Eventually they diagnosed him with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. He wouldn't talk to anyone, he wasn't sleeping, and he was really violent, flying off the handle for no reason.

He saw some awful things, Bella. Even Emmett wouldn't tell me because they were so horrible. I don't even know if he knows the half of it.

I sat, shocked. My heart shattered for him. I wished I could run back to the Center and make things right. But what could I do?

The final leg of our journey passed in silence, as I thought of the broken man I'd left behind.

**A/N Sooooo. Starting to get some answers now. Poor Eddie. I was a little nervous about this chappie, so please let me know what you think! As always, thanks for reading!**


	6. Warrior One

Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight: I own Yogiward.

**A/N: Thanks so much for reading and for your supportive comments! I'll have an update for you next week. **

**Prepare yourselves…**

Chapter 6: Warrior

EPOV

_I can see Jake laughing two humvees in back of us._

_There is dust in my eyes carried by a hot dry wind, nothing will stop it; but we're leaving the TCP* for today, and entering the gun truck* provides some relief. _

_Fuckin' A it's hot out there._

_Staff Sergeant Evans is mopping his brow with his "good luck" bandana as he hauls into the driver's seat, closing the door behind him. _

_Hot hot hot. Hotter than April should ever feel. Not like New England. Not at all._

_I nod in agreement, lighting a cigarette and exhaling the smoke through my nose. It fills the cab, making it even more stifling until the AC kicks in. I look behind again as the convoy processional begins. _

_I can see Jake leaning out of the rear window; he's yelling something I can't understand, but he's laughing. It must be something dirty. Jake fucking loves the sandbox.* He's laughing and gesturing and maybe it's my attention he's trying to get. I smile indulgently and open the door of the truck to lean out, since the window's too small and too heavily armored to open. _

_What the fuck, motherfucker! I yell at him. Get your ass back in that truck. I can't hear him over the wind since we're picking up speed. Evans gestures over at me to get my own ass back in this truck. I try to yell back at Jake, but he's not there anymore. _

_His truck isn't there anymore. The earth shakes and rattles, a death cry. It's in the sky, all around us, flaming, burning embers falling down. A chemical smell in the air. _

_The hummer behind rear-ends us, propelled forward by the blast. _

_What the fuck just happened. Evans yells at me. Did you see what happened, Edward. Did you see?_

_Now I'm in my own bunk. A woman clad in black is standing over me and the only things I see are her black eyes. They are merciless and without pity. And I don't deserve it, anyway. _

_You can't pity a monster._

….

I regained consciousness drenched in a thick cold sweat. My legs and arms felt heavy, as if they were pinned down to the bed. That feeling was familiar and not at all welcome. Not at all. I struggled to see in the darkness, to hear over a loud snarling sound coming from somewhere close by.

"Edward! Edward! Man, it's okay. It's okay. You're right here. You're here at the Center." My brother's voice was speaking low and in my ear. And it was then I realized that I was in my room, and that it was my brother holding me down. And my voice that rose in a feral cacophony.

"Edward. Edward! You need to calm down." Emmett's strong arms held mine down at my sides, his body straddling me to restrain my lower half.

"Get the FUCK OFF of me!" I yelled, violently thrashing under him to procure my release.

"Edward, you're going to wake the guests, man. That's just not cool. You need to calm down, and I'll let you go." Just then the light went on, and Jasper appeared at the foot of my bed behind Emmett, his eyes filled with concern.

I panted with effort and finally relented, relaxing into the bed. Once Emmett felt satisfied I'd stay that way, he gradually released me.

"Fuck. I'm sorry." I muttered. "Bad dream."

"I'll say!" Emmett quipped. Jasper gave him a disapproving look.

Emmett looked abashed and apologized.

"What was the dream about, Edward?" asked Jasper.

I immediately deflected his question. "What time is it, anyway?" I asked, sitting up and rubbing my eyes. But Jasper wasn't about to be derailed from his line of questioning.

"Edward?" His eyes were attempting to hold mine, but I wouldn't look at him.

"Jazz, just drop it, okay? I don't remember it now, anyway," I lied.

"Edward. You've been like this for weeks, and it's only getting worse. I think we should call your father."

Emmett hadn't said anything, but seemed to agree with Jasper's suggestion; he was nodding.

But I was angry. "We are not, under any circumstances, going to call Carlisle." I glared at them.

My relationship with my father had been strained since I returned from my tour in Iraq. He hadn't wanted me to enlist in the first place, and, when I had returned after my year of service, he had been the first to notice there was something "wrong" with me.

I suppose his perceptiveness made him a good psychologist, but I didn't enjoy having my head examined by my own father. Moreover, any involvement with Carlisle would certainly alert Esme, and my mother had been through enough where I was concerned.

"Absolutely not," was my final word. I knew I sounded petulant, but I was desperate for them to leave me alone.

"Edward, I really think you should think about it. This can't go on. The guests are starting to notice, especially the regulars, and reservations have started to drop off. If all this shit is starting again, we need to do something about it. Now."

"Don't patronize me, Jasper," I seethed. "I said I'm fine, and I. AM. FUCKING. FINE."

"Fine." I had succeeded in pissing him off. "But don't say no one ever tried to help you."

With that, Jasper turned and left. My brother gave me a sad smile as he followed behind.

Had I really gotten that bad?

I tried to think back to when all of the nightmares had started again, but my mind was fuzzy. When had Bella left? Was it two weeks? Three?

What day was it anyway?

I looked at the calendar on the wall and was astonished to register it was April 15th.

It had been a month. Fuck. And it was April. My favorite fucking month. And tomorrow…I didn't even want to think about tomorrow.

When they had started coming back, the dreams had been sporadic, only one or two a week. Now, they were happening every night, and I didn't know what to do to stop them. They were becoming increasingly realistic, and horrifying in their realism. Tonight when Emmett had awoken me I had been ready to attack him. I may have, if he hadn't been so much stronger than me.

While I hadn't acknowledged Jasper's concerns, I shared them. I knew my work had been suffering, that my increasing depression was having an effect on my students during class, and that it was also affecting my relationships, but I couldn't ask for their help.

If they knew what I had done, they'd never forgive me, as I could never forgive myself.

What scared me the most was that yoga was no longer keeping the wolves at bay. Five years ago, when I had been so bent on a path of self-destruction that Carlisle had later told me he had all but given me up for dead, my yoga practice had pulled me back from the ledge. It had given me a way to control my irrational thoughts, to focus on something outside of my experience. And it had shown me how to help others, as well.

Now, the classes seemed futile, my life a waste, and I didn't know why. If nothing else could help me, and yoga was no longer working, what would become of me? And did it even matter? I scoffed.

Carlisle had suggested I take yoga up in the first place, I reminded myself. _Maybe I should call him._

No. I would get through this on my own. I could pull myself together and no one would ever know.

Even though it was 6:00 and time for me to get ready to teach my morning class, I lay back down and pulled on the covers. An hour later, Jasper knocked loudly at my door, but I didn't answer.

…

The day that Bella left, as I stood watching her from the top of the stairs, I had to restrain myself from running after her and asking her to forgive me. She looked so sad getting into the car; I wanted to ask her to stay. But that was crazy, even I knew that. We had only known each other for three days, and I had made a vow that I refused to break.

But I had still wanted to. So much. I stood outside for a long time after she left, until Emmett came back to find me.

"Bro, come on in for lunch. Laurent made this fucking amazing apple pie with the last apples from storage; you've gotta have some." He smiled his big goofy grin.

"Not hungry." I replied. I rarely ate in the dining commons with my brother, Jasper, and the guests, preferring to do it outdoors or in the privacy of my room. Emmett knew this, so I didn't know why he was hounding me now.

"You got it bad for her," he stated.

"What are you talking about?" I asked nonchalantly.

"Oh, cut the crap Edward. I'm talking about Bella. She left here all upset, and now you're out here moping like an emo fool."

"A what?"

"Emo. It means all broody and emotional—that's what the kid's are saying these days, anyway. Jeez, Edward, we've really got to get some TVs or the Internet up here."

"Emmett, get to the point."

"Well, the point is that girl likes you. For some freaking reason, she does. And I think you like her too."

"How did you ever get so smart?" I said, hoping he'd note my sarcasm.

"Well, I never said I knew a lot. But I have eyes Edward. And Rosie was asking questions about you. I don't know if Bella put her up to it or not, but either way, I don't think it was _Rose_ interested in _you_, if you know what I mean."

"What the fuck, Emmett! What kinds of questions?" Now I was seething. Could Bella have asked Rose to question Emmett about my past? Possibly. But what I knew of Bella, which was honestly not too much, seemed to contradict this conclusion. Bella was forthright, and she was honest. She wouldn't have put Rose up to it, of that I was becoming increasingly sure. But that brought me back to the question at hand.

"What the fuck did you tell her Emmett?"

Emmett looked a bit taken aback by my reaction, though why he would be I don't know, since he was well aware of how sensitive I was about my past even if he didn't know the whole story.

"Relax, Edward. Relax. I didn't tell her much. But I didn't want to lie to her either, and that's why I'm telling you now. You know I'm your brother."

"What do you mean by "much?"

"I told her that you had been in Iraq, and that you had PTSD when you returned. And that that had caused you to make certain other _choices_…."

I was utterly floored. This was a whole helluva lot of information, as far as I was concerned.

"God, Em. Didn't you ever think it was none of your business to tell her that shit? And what the hell do you know of the reasons behind my _choices, _as you term it?

"You think you know, but you don't know anything. And now I'm glad, I really am, since you're going around telling your _girlfriend_ everything." I emphasized the word to get my point across. I knew that he and Rosalie had begun seeing each other, despite the Center's policy.

He was becoming increasingly despondent, finally seeing his error.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I just thought…"

"What?" I snapped.

"I don't know. I thought maybe that girl would be good for you. She seems like a really good person, from what Rosie has said. Maybe if you just…."

"It doesn't matter, Emmett." I said tonelessly. "She's gone now."

He followed my gaze down the long drive and sighed.

"Edward, you don't have to be alone all the time."

I said nothing and eventually he turned and entered the Center, leaving me to my thoughts.

…

_Now the gun truck is stopped roadside and the rest of my squad are moving into action, M1-30's at the ready. _

_Did you see? Did you see?_

_I find myself out of the truck and nearing a burning pile of metal and canvas. A half-destroyed thermos. A half-destroyed Jacob. _

_People are yelling at me to get away. _

_I'm on my knees, cradling his head, the only part of his body that's left intact. His eyes are closed; he looks almost peaceful._

_Then they open._

_Eddwarrrd._

….

I awoke shaking so badly I couldn't take a deep breath. I was covered in sweat again, but it felt sticky and itchy, like blood.

_I can't let this happen again_. I can't can't can't.

I got up and noted the time: 11:30. I hadn't slept this late in years, and the last thing I wanted to do now was go back to sleep.

Pulling on my shorts, I decided I would teach my afternoon class; it was a class with advanced students, and I generally practiced right alongside them, since they generally were not in need of assists.

As I made my way down to the studio, I passed Jasper on the stairs. He was clearly pissed at me for having to teach my morning class—again.

But he was a good friend.

"Glad to see you're up," he said simply.

I grunted and nodded at him, and he offered me a small smile.

During class, I threw myself into the postures, using _pranayama_ to create a blissful, blank space in my mind. Soon, I was sweating lightly, beads dropping steadily from my mussed hair to the mat. My body felt vigorous, alive; for the first time in a month I was able to shake off the darkness that had been threatening to envelop me.

But pleasant thoughts began intruding. I remembered Bella, how she had been here. The feel of her body under my hands as I worked her muscles. Our conversations. She held herself with a seriousness, but not self-seriousness, that few possessed.

Her presence here had made me happy.

What was she doing now? Had she found another job? Was she back with that asshole Mike? I shuddered at the thought. No, I knew enough to know she wouldn't have gone back to him. _Someone else then?_ My stomach lurched.

I had no business thinking of her. It was strange how she kept coming into my mind, despite our short acquaintance. _But that wasn't all it was, was it? There was something there…something strange…but wonderful_.

If my dreams didn't make me crazy, these thoughts surely would. But as I tried to force them from my mind, they acquired an ever-stronger hold.

Bella's face that last day as we discussed my "_choices_."

I could only hope that she had found someone else, and that she was not thinking of me in the same fruitless, foolish way.

After class was over, I stayed in the studio practicing inversion poses, which were especially helpful for concentration and relaxation. I could hold headstand for 10 minutes, a fact that, given yoga's philosophy of non-Egoism, I shouldn't have been proud of. But I still was.

Suddenly, Emmett was at my side, his large figure reflected in the flickering candlelight on the far side of the room.

"Edward," he said stonily, "there's someone here to see you."

Despite myself, I felt a surge of hope. _Bella had come back_.

I lowered myself down and stood up quickly, looking at him for further clarification.

"It's Billy Black." He looked at me expectantly, waiting for the explosion.

"I can't do it, Em," I said, beginning to retreat.

What Emmett didn't know was that since the day that Bella and I had encountered Billy in the woods, I had seen him several times near the Center's grounds. Each time, he had motioned to me indicating he wanted to speak with me, but each time I had evaded him. I couldn't speak with him. Not now. Maybe not ever.

"Edward, just hear me out." Puzzled by the authoritative way he spoke, a contrast to his usual carefree tone, I paused.

"Billy's dying, Edward. He has stomach cancer, and he came back to the Berkshires to live the last few months he has left. He said he wanted to feel close to Jake." My brother's voice cracked. I sometimes forgot that he had been close to Jacob, too.

"Anyway, Edward, I think you should speak to him. He's downstairs in the lobby. Look, I know you don't want to, but I think you'll regret it if you don't. He was Jacob's father, after all."

"I know that, Emmett," I replied hoarsely. The thought of Billy dying…. "I'll see him. Just give me a minute."

Emmett left me to collect myself, and I stood in the studio numbly, willing my body to take action. My nerves sent bile rising to my throat, and I tried to control my breathing. Finally, feeling relatively stable, I went down to meet Billy.

He was sitting on a bench in the lobby, eyes closed, leaning his head back against the wall, his cane across his lap. He looked drained, his skin yellowed and papery. At first, I thought he might be sleeping, but as I approached he opened his eyes.

Jacob's eyes. Still retaining vibrancy despite the oncoming inevitability. I fought to quell the panic rising in me again. Billy seemed not to notice my state, or if he did, it didn't register on his face.

Seeing him, this close, brought a flood of memories.

_A picnic with Esme and Carlisle, Billy and Jacob. A bee stings Jacob and he cries. I try to shush him as Carlisle pulls out the stinger. _

_We're twelve and exploring in the woods. Jacob finds a cool network of caves and we go spelunking, later receiving admonitions from Esme._

_The look on his face when he tells me that Leah Clearwater has agreed to go to prom with him. He plans on getting lucky, mad that I've already lost my virginity._

_The day we enlist. Not the memory of the day, but a memory of a picture we took in front of Billy's house, our arms slung around each other's shoulders. Determined looks on our faces._

"Edward, son," was his greeting, snapping me out of my reverie.

"Billy."

He made a move to stand, but I waved him off, taking a seat beside him.

"You're probably wondering why I'm here," he began.

I could only nod.

"I suppose Emmett has told you about my…condition."

I nodded again.

"Well, I'll get right to the point, then, seeing as though I don't have much time," he laughed. Billy always did have a dark sense of humor.

"Edward. The last time we met I said some things to you that I regret."

I looked at him warily.

"I'm glad you consented to see me. Over the past few years, I've been traveling around; went to visit some relatives over in La Push, Washington. Do you remember Embry and Quill?"

Yes, I did remember. They were friends of the Black family, who sometimes came to visit in the summer. Their parents were close with Billy.

Taking my silence for affirmation, he went on. "Well, you see, I had a lot of time to do some thinking, and I realized what I said to you wasn't right. Not at all."

This was too much. I couldn't handle this.

"Edward, I know it's not your fault that Jacob died."

His words were like daggers. I began shaking my head.

"It was his idea to enlist. You couldn't have done anything to help him, son. No one could. It was war, and war is, as they say, hell." He must have noticed my denial.

"I mean what I say, Edward. You can't keep blaming yourself." He looked at me sadly. "I see I've done you harm."

Here was this man: a man I considered a second father to me, a man whose son I had killed, giving me absolution. He thought that I didn't want to see him because I was angry with him for blaming me about Jacob's death, when in reality it was quite the opposite. How could I face him, listen to the words he was speaking now, when I _agreed_ with what he had said all those years ago?

It _was_ my fault his son was dead. No one's but my own. And nothing could change that.

I kept shaking my head, resisting the entry of soothing words that I knew were wrong.

Billy sighed.

"You don't want to believe me, Edward. But I hope in time you will. I'm sorry that after all these years this is the first time we've spoken. Jake wouldn't have liked that."

Billy began struggling to stand up, and I rose to assist him. He leaned heavily on his cane once he was erect, much shorter than I was, I noticed. He had seemed so tall when we were children.

"Where are you going now?" I asked. It was perhaps the first intelligible sentence I had mustered this entire time.

"Oh, I'm staying over with Leah and Seth Clearwater. You know, their mother passed away a couple of years ago."

I shook my head. I hadn't known Sue had died. Leah and Seth were two more people who I had been uncomfortable around since my return.

"Well, anyway, they've agreed to let me stay with them until…Well, you know."

"Can I take you back?" I asked, utterly helpless.

He waved me off, "No, no. I'd rather walk. I may not be long for this world, but I aim to enjoy it while I still can." He smiled. Billy always had loved this place; it was from him that I had gleaned much of my knowledge of local plant and animal life. Jake and I would go on day-long hikes with Billy, no matter what the season. Those were some of my most precious memories.

"Okay, Billy." Who was I to argue with a dying man?

He reached out to me with his free hand and patted my shoulder.

"You're a good man, Edward. You were always good to my son, looking out for him and protecting him, even when you boys were little. He looked up to you, loved you like a brother, and he wouldn't want to see you suffer like this."

"I'm not…" I started to protest.

"I see what I see, son. Please think about what I said."

Billy began a slow journey to the door, leaving me to mull over his words. Tempting as they were to believe, I couldn't lie to myself. I had been a coward for not telling him what I knew, but I hadn't wanted him to look on me with the disgust I knew he would feel if I did. Although I couldn't accept his pardon, I didn't want to burden him with more terrible knowledge, seeing the state he was in. He had finally reached peace, made amends, and I would let him go.

Just as he was about to exit, he turned.

"I can't believe that it will be six years tomorrow."

Six years.

Jacob had been gone for six years.

…

_It's another day at the TCP and it's hotter than hell. Again. We're stopping every other car and searching inside for weapons, since only months after Saddam Hussein's capture, Tikrit is still considered unfriendly territory._

_Most of the cars that pass by are clearly civilians, but you never can tell._

_There is one, a covered van, which houses a sick man. His friends are pleading with us in Arabic to help him. He is dehydrated and very ill. I don't understand what they're saying, but our translator reports that they want us to give him medical treatment. _

_The humvee that Jake rides in has medical supplies, and we help the man out of the van and over to it. He doesn't seem that sick to me, but the translator insists he is gravely ill, close to death. _

_Who am I to argue with a dying man?_

…

I awake at 2:00 in the morning and fight off sleep for the rest of the night.

I don't want to see how this dream ends.

*A/N I use a bit of coalition soldier slang in this chapter:

TCP: Traffic Check Point

Sandbox: Iraq

Gun truck: A heavily armored military vehicle

Please let me know what you think! And don't worry; they won't be apart for long


	7. Eagle

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight; I own Yogiward. **

**A/N: Special thanks to my new Beta reader and fellow LGR inhabitant nadia215. You rock, woman! And thanks to wilcogirl and my hubs for their support and help with working out the story. **

Chapter Seven: Eagle

BPOV

Rose's sharp knock alerted me that it was almost time to go; I grabbed my mat, water, and keys and headed for the door. Ever since our return from the Cullen Center, we had been attending a yoga class twice a week in Astoria. Then, if the weather was nice, which it had been so far this June, we'd head over to the nearby beer garden for a drink and a bite to eat. It seemed a bit contradictory to consume kielbasa and Hoegaarden after exercise that was supposed to cleanse your body, but Rose and I both agreed that it kept us from becoming green teetotaling yoga ladies. And it gave us a chance to catch up with Alice, who had been working such crazy hours lately that we hardly ever saw her except when she joined us after class.

While Rose had been an off-and-on yoga practitioner for years, I had a hunch that she wanted to take the class to impress Emmett. Even though he wasn't a yoga instructor himself, he was clearly into the lifestyle. He had been down to New York almost every week since our return, and Rose was planning on attending the summer retreat at the Center in late July, which apparently was pretty intensive, and she wanted to be ready for the challenge.

Never had Emmett spoken of his brother in the times when he had been to visit, even in passing. This omission seemed a little strange, having the opposite effect of making Edward's presence more palpable. Though I was hungry for information, I didn't dare express my interest, fearing he'd take it the wrong way. Or the right way. If Rose knew anything, she didn't divulge it to me, which was probably for the best.

The discovery that Edward had been a solider in Iraq, and that he was suffering from PTSD, had shocked and saddened me. Some things began to make more sense, while others remained ambiguous. For one thing, I had a hunch that there was a connection between his friend's death and the war, though I wasn't sure what it was. I began to wrack my brain, remembering the conversations that we'd had, the enigmatic things he'd said to me.

There was our strange exchange concerning the character of Mersault in Camus's _The Stranger_. Edward envied him because he felt no remorse for his actions. So that meant Edward did feel remorse—but for what?

When we had encountered the crippled man, his friend's father, on the trail, they had barely acknowledged one another, and Edward had become extremely upset when I asked him about it. There was some bad blood between them, and I had immediately regretted my intruding question.

Of course there was that story he had told to the class; he had been trying to tell me something.

I had been angry, focused only on the understanding that the story was meant to warn me off, and more than a little embarrassed that I was so transparent in my interest. What was it about again? A king who had given up worldly desires, possessions, and personal ambitions for penance.

Edward thought that he was a bad person; he had said as much to me in our final conversation. I remembered the lost look on his face, his unreadable green eyes. How I had wanted to hold him in that moment despite his self-imposed isolation. _I can't be with you. With any woman_. His words returned to me again and again.

That this beautiful man had made such a vow was tragic. Why had he done it? Did it have something to do with his friend? The war? Yoga?

The man who I had met hadn't seemed like a soldier; he hadn't seemed like he could hurt anyone. _I would only harm someone like you_.

The closer I came to discovering an answer, the farther off one seemed.

Just as disconcerting was the fact that I couldn't seem to forget him. _I might want to, but I won'_t. Apparently, my final words to him had been true.

Knowing my continued investment was more than a little strange, I began to research PTSD in soldiers returning from Iraq. The figures I discovered were alarming, the stories devastating. One in eight of those returning from Iraq had the disorder, yet fewer than half would ever seek treatment.

Flashbacks. Nightmares. Insomnia. Anger. Detachment. Difficulty concentrating. Depression. Those suffering had been known to lash out at their partners—incidents of domestic abuse rose sharply in diagnosed cases. They had difficulty finding and keeping jobs because it was so hard re-integrating back into mainstream society after experiencing such violence. Their family lives suffered. Some attempted suicide.

I read one story of a man who couldn't walk down the street without imagining dead women and children on the roadside or thinking that nearby cars were rigged with bombs. He awoke at night screaming from night terrors.

The worst part about it was that so few soldiers were diagnosed because of the stigma associated with the disorder. They feared being judged as weak by their peers. And more than a few reported feeling that the army provided little support for mental health issues after discharge.

My heart ached for these men and women and for their families. The thought of Edward suffering from such a fate was more horrible still.

He didn't seem to be suffering from these symptoms. Perhaps he was over it? This thought was welcome, but it didn't reconcile with his visible guilt and sadness.

But what could I do about it? We barely knew one another. I knew that I needed to stop obsessing and get my life in order. But he was always at the back of my mind.

When Rose suggested that we take the yoga class, I enthusiastically agreed. While I was admittedly a little distracted during my time at the Center, I had really enjoyed the yoga classes. And not just because Edward taught them. Okay. Maybe that was part of the reason.

But it had made me feel so peaceful and relaxed. There was something about holding the poses combined with the regimented breathing that brought clarity. And that was something I was in need of just about now.

For one thing I had no job. I didn't want to be a waitress for the rest of my life; I had a college degree, for Christ's sake! Maybe Charlie had been right; I should've majored in business and not English. I wanted to work in publishing, but not as a lowly copy-editor. Alas, even those jobs were few and far between.

After we returned from our long weekend and I had called my father and told him about my break-up with Mike and about quitting Eclipse, he had insisted that he would help me out until I found another job. At first, I refused, but I gradually relented since I was an impoverished post-graduate, after all. I told Charlie that I'd find another waitressing job, but he insisted that I make the job search a top priority.

"You don't wanna end up like Clara, Bells."

"Daaad. I'm not going to." Clara was an ancient waitress who covered the night shift at my dad's favorite diner in Forks. Locals insisted that she was over 100 years old, and had been working there just as long.

"Well, you never know. Life is a funny thing sometimes. You need to establish yourself, get a career going so you have something to call your own. You've got a good head on your shoulders, kid."

Sometimes my dad was really smart.

Though I had been searching now for several months, nothing had turned up yet. But still I remained positive, knowing that persistence paid off.

Charlie tried to disguise it, but I knew he was pleased that Mike and I had broken up. Despite Mike's seeming all-American, every-parent-should-love-him demeanor, he had never gotten on with my father. Dad had respect for men that worked with their hands, and he considered Mike a paper-pusher. When he had come home with me last Christmas, Mike had spent 80% of his time on his Blackberry. Charlie and I ignored him and played scrabble in the kitchen.

"Well, kiddo. Maybe it's for the best. Now you can focus on getting a job and I don't have to worry about you married with a newborn baby at 18."

"Daaad. I'm 22. And no ones getting married."

"Right. You know what I mean."

I did. My parents had gotten married too young, before they had a chance to experience anything outside of Forks. While that was okay with my dad, it was not with my mom, and she had left us when I was 6. Though I had visited her often, things had never been the same between us.

Having this conversation with my father helped me recognize that I was not only no longer upset, but that I was truly glad it was over with Mike. This thought was strange. Just a month ago I had been convinced that I loved him, that I would someday marry him. And I had moped and cried for two weeks. What had changed?

My first thought was Edward. I hadn't been lying when I had told him that he had vanquished all thoughts of Mike from my head. Even though it seemed crazy, the things that man did to my girly-parts without even touching me (_and touching me_) made my sexual experiences with Mike seem like washing dishes.

But meeting Edward hadn't made me fall out of love with Mike, I now realized. I hadn't _been_ in love with Mike. I had been devastated over the break-up, not because I had lost the man I loved, but because I lost a sense of where my life was going and what it meant. The path I was on had drastically altered, and I didn't know where the new one was leading.

This is what had shaken me; this is what I was now recovering from. I would have initiative. Take my life back into my own hands. Find a job. Get in shape. Go Team Bella!

Rosalie's pounding became ever insistent. Jeez, woman had the patience of a flea.

I opened the door mid-knock, and she practically fell in the room. Her eyes narrowed at me.

"We're going to be late," she clipped.

Woman was punctual to a fault.

…

It was a beautiful evening, so we decided to head over to the beer garden after class. Since it was Sunday, Alice wasn't working and planned to join us.

She was already seated at our favorite table, and she gave us a bemused look when we entered the courtyard clad in our yoga gear. Alice's experience at the center with Jasper had put her off yoga, and she viewed mine and Rose's pastime with skepticism.

"Bella, I hate to say it, but you look amazing." She eyed my body, which had become rather toned, even I could admit, over the last couple of months.

"Gee, thanks Al," I replied, flopping down onto the bench next to her.

"Oh, that's not what I meant. I meant I didn't think that you'd stick with the whole yoga thing, but you're looking smokin'."

Learning to accept a compliment was one of the goals on the Bella Life Improvement List, and so I thanked her and quickly changed topics.

"God, I'm starving…."

"I mean, you really look GREAT! Look at your arms. And your butt!"

I was about to protest when Rosalie interrupted with some news that floored us both.

"You guys, Emmett has asked me to marry him."

"WHAT!" We shouted simultaneously, startling the patrons around us who were peaceably enjoying their Sunday brews.

Alice and I began alternatively firing off questions: "When did this happen?" "What did you say?" "How did he ask?" "Are you going to?" Rose sat by, smiling widely, and I knew she had accepted.

"Congratulations, Rose." I smiled back at her.

"What? Did I miss something?" Alice must have lost her gift of perceptiveness when we went to the Center.

"Oh, you BITCH! Why didn't you call me!" she whined.

"It just happened yesterday, for God's sake, Al. Calm down." Rose was laughing. She seemed happy. "I know it's only been a few months, but I feel like this is right. I knew it when we first met. He's the one for me."

I felt a pang hearing her words.

For the next hour Rose gave a detailed account of the proposal. On Saturday morning, she had been taking her weekly jog through Central Park, following the same route she always did, when she noticed a banner stretched across the path. It said, "Marry Me."

Initially, she thought nothing of it and continued on her way; much stranger things had happened in New York. A little farther on, Emmett was sitting on a bench holding a bunch of flowers. He wasn't due in town for two days, and she knew immediately that it had been him who had arranged the sign.

"I just had to say yes. There's no other option," she concluded. I'd never seen her like this before.

If it had been any other friend, I may have been skeptical about the speed with which the engagement had occurred. But Rose knew what she wanted; she wasn't one to fall for grand romantic gestures, always approaching relationships pragmatically. I believed her when she said she was ready and that Emmett was "the one."

"When's the big day?" Alice squealed, launching into her "vision" for the wedding: colors for the bridal party, dress styles, musicians, cake flavors…her tirade was exhausting. Rose listened good-naturedly as I rolled my eyes. Finally, she cut Alice off.

"Hang on a second, Al. We're going to do things simply, just a small ceremony with close friends and family at the Center. That's what Emmett and I want."

Alice deflated a little, but perked up again when Rose requested her assistance in planning. The final shocker was that they wanted to do it at the end of the retreat this summer.

Actually, the final shocker was Rose's next request.

"Bella…. I want you to come to the retreat with me."

"What?" I asked incredulously. A million thoughts were running through my head, all arranged around one theme. Edward. I would see Edward again. I would see Edward again. Would he want to see me? I would see him again. Could I deal with seeing him again? Edward was Emmett's brother and Rose was marrying Emmett. Rose was like my sister. Edward and I would be like family. I would see him again.

As if sensing my crazy thought process, Rose waved her hands in front of my face. "Earth to Bella. Bells? You're so pale. I just thought you might want to come, you know, for moral support. And you've been so into yoga lately. You haven't found a job yet…. Emmett said you could stay for free, if it's a money thing…"

Alice was the first to respond.

"OMG! Bella, Edward will be there. Won't that be weird? I mean, he totally cock-blocked you. Well, I guess he cock-blocked himself…. I still want to kick him in the balls. Maybe I should come instead? Another shot with Jasper might be interesting…."

"Um. Your job, Al?" Rose hinted.

"Oh yeah. Shit." Tanya Denali had really been riding Alice's ass lately. There was no way she'd be able to take such a long vacation.

I was still speechless, my mind running over the possibilities.

"Before you make a decision, Bells, I have something to tell you about Edward.

"I know you guys had a flirtation in March, and it might be a little weird for you to be there. I didn't want to tell you this before, since I didn't think it would ever be relevant, but Emmett's really worried about Edward these days. I guess he isn't doing so well. Emmett thinks the PTSD is getting worse again. But Edward won't talk about it. He's trying to pretend nothing's happening."

"So what makes Emmett think something's going on?" I finally managed.

"I don't know a ton of details, but I guess it's stuff like not sleeping, bad dreams; he's been pretty shitty to Emmett, getting angry for no reason. Jasper's had to teach some of his classes recently, 'cause sometimes he just won't show up. Emmett's really upset, but he doesn't know what to do since Edward refuses to talk to him."

All of my fears for Edward were now seemingly validated. From my research on PTSD, I recognized the symptoms. If Edward wouldn't accept help, he would only get worse. My stomach clenched thinking of the beautiful man with the crooked smile.

But Rose and Alice didn't know about my continued interest in Edward or the disorder. It didn't exactly gel with my whole "getting life on track" mantra. I decided to play it cool.

"Anyway, I'm telling you this because if you come you need to keep your distance. I don't want you getting involved, Bella, especially if he's as bad as Emmett thinks."

"And then there's the chastity…" Alice unnecessarily reminded us.

"That's the least of his problems, Al." Rose sighed.

I had already made my decision.

"Of course I'll come with you, Rosie. I wouldn't miss this for anything. And don't worry about me. I can take care of myself, and I have no interest in pursuing anything beyond friendship with Edward." I hoped I sounded convincing. Rose seemed placated.

"Whew. Thank god. I was afraid you still had a thing for him."

"Oh no. Not at all. Haven't thought of him at all." _Hmmm. Maybe a little overkill._

So it was settled. We would be leaving for the Center in four weeks. I would help Rose with the wedding. _Maybe I would help Edward too?_ No. I would keep my distance, as Rose had said. There was nothing I could do. _Was there?_

I just hoped to God that what Rose said wasn't true.

…

EPOV

The retreat would begin in two days. It was a time of year I had always looked forward to; the Center was closed to regular business, and only the most devoted yoga students would come by invitation only. We'd spend hours practicing, hiking, and doing specialty workshops designed by either Jasper or me.

This year, while I participated in the preparations, I felt little excitement.

I was exhausted. But I couldn't allow myself to sleep. My nightmares had become so frequent that when I did sleep I had resorted to setting an alarm clock to wake me up every couple of hours or so. I wasn't getting the R.E.M sleep I needed, and it was starting to wear me down.

Emmett and Jasper were concerned, but they had given up trying to get me to contact Carlisle. Either they had lost all hope for me, or I was doing a better job hiding my problem.

There was also the impending wedding. At first, I couldn't believe that Emmett was serious when he had told me he was planning on proposing to Rosalie. He had only known her for three months. How could he have felt such a connection in such a short time? But then I remembered the feelings that had begun to stir in me when I had met Bella…it seemed so long ago.

I still thought of her, more so lately since Emmett had announced his intentions. Rosalie was Bella's best friend. She would certainly come to the ceremony. This thought both excited me and filled me with dread. _She wouldn't even remember me. Why should she? It was just a weekend._ And there was nothing between us. What would come of it anyway? Nothing could. Nothing would. I was a broken man, not even fit for friendship with Bella. Yet thoughts of seeing her again, even just one more time, still managed to invade.

I was doing some work in the garden; the July sun was hot on my back, and I removed my shirt and wiped my brow with it, tossing it to the ground. My body was sore from the punishing regimen I had been on the past couple of months, an attempt to discipline my frequently wandering mind. The sun warmed my tired muscles, soothing them as I fell into a steady rhythm with the hoe.

Around noon, Emmett began a wary approach from the rear door of the Center as I watched him from the corner of my eye. Our relationship had been strained lately; he was cautious not to upset me, as I had become volatile from lack of sleep. Though I attempted to restrain myself, I often lashed out on him. More than anything, it was his sympathy that bothered me. God only knows what he had told Rosalie….

He cleared his throat, asking for my attention.

"Edward."

"Yeah?" I stood up, wiping my forehead again and setting down my tool, waiting for him to go on.

"Garden looks good."

"Yep."

"Gonna rain tonight, so don't bother to water."

"Okay."

He still stood there, looking awkward.

"Is there anything else?" I asked him.

"Kind of."

"Jesus, Emmett, would you spit it out? I don't have all day." I was doing it again. I tried to repress my annoyance.

"Edward, I have something to tell you. But I don't want you to freak out. Promise me you won't."

"I can't make any promises, Emmett, until I know what the hell you're talking about." This didn't sound good.

"Well, the retreat starts in two days…."

"And?" God, I was going to have drag it out of him.

"And the wedding's in a few weeks…."

"And?" I raised my eyebrows at him. I had agreed to be his best man, and he wanted to go to Boston for his bachelor party. I didn't want to go though; we had been through this before. He knew how I felt about big cities.

"Bro, listen. Bella's coming."

This I had already figured, but still my heart beat fast with the confirmation.

"I guessed as much. I mean, Rose's her best friend, right? It's only natural she'd come to the wedding." I picked up the hoe again.

"She's coming for the retreat."

"What?" Bella would be here two days from now. For three weeks. I felt panic rise in my chest.

"Rose wanted her to help get ready for the wedding. And she and Bells have been doing this yoga class for a few months now and they're both really into it. I thought it was a good idea, so I told Rose to ask her."

_Bells_? I knew my brother had met Bella several more times in his visits to New York, but hadn't realized they had gotten close.

I tried to remain calm. "Emmett, how long have you known about this?"

I could tell he was considering whether or not to tell me the truth. I gave him a look.

"Uhhh...a month," he said sheepishly. I couldn't believe it.

"A fucking MONTH, Em? And you decide to tell me NOW? Two days before this shit begins?" So much for calm.

"I didn't know how to tell you, Edward. I don't know how you're going to react to anything these days. Look, I didn't even know if it would bother you. I mean, you barely know the girl."

_Yes, but I've gotten to know her _well_ in my dreams._

I stood trying to process what he was saying. "So Bella's coming here in two days?"

"Well…."

"Well what?"

"She and Rose are on their way up now."

_Holy shit_.

**AN: Next chappie, we're back together folks! Expect an update soon, maybe by Friday.**

**So if you're like me, you were fangirling over the MTV awards last night. What was the best R/K moment? What did you think of the Kiss? I heart them. :)**


	8. Downward Dog

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight; I own Yogiward.**

**A/N: Thanks to my beta DiamondHeart78 for her help with proofreading and story issues, and for her amazingly quick turnaround. **

Chapter 8: Downward Dog

BPOV

I tried to relax as we approached the Center, using some breathing techniques I'd learned in yoga over the past few months. Rose was discussing the wedding—which was now only three weeks away—so she didn't notice my nervousness. I "uh-huhed" and "ah-haaed" at the right moments to placate her, agreeing that her father would definitely get on well with Emmett and that the plastic heel covers for our shoes would successfully keep us erect during the outdoor processional.

But my mind was otherwise occupied, trying to determine what I'd say to Edward when I saw him again. It would be just Rose, me, and the Cullens for two days, since it was their custom to give the rest of the staff a few days off before the retreat began.

We'd be there in ten fucking minutes.

"Hi Edward. I'm the crazy girl who yelled at you for telling a story during yoga class."

"Hi! Remember me? I'm the one you saw naked in the shower."

"Hi. Waaaasupp?"

Gah. It was impossible. Maybe better to just improvise.

I rubbed my sweaty palms on my shorts and looked out the window. The scenery had drastically altered since the last time we'd been up here. It was now lush and green, reminding me even more of Forks than it had originally, with one exception: the sun was shining brightly, filtering through and illuminating the vibrant foliage. Though I had become a city girl in the past few years, the forest still felt like home. This was a place you could get lost in.

It hadn't been difficult to leave New York behind.

Finally successfully distracted, I hardly noticed when we pulled up in front of the Center.

Emmett was standing at the foot of the stairs waiting for us, arms crossed, a huge smile on his face. He waved to us and jogged over to the car, opening Rose's door and helping her out before enveloping her in a tight hug. She squealed as he lifted her off the ground. They were a little too cute.

But Emmett gave my arrival almost as much fanfare, releasing Rose and helping me out of the car as well, though I grumbled at him not to bother. We hugged and he planted a kiss on my cheek, telling me how happy he was that Rose had me there with her, and how glad he was to see me. I smiled and thanked him for having me, since I was going to be freeloading for almost a month. He simply shrugged; according to him, we were family now.

Just as I was released from Emmett's grasp, I noticed Edward standing behind him, watching the display with an unreadable expression.

He was even more beautiful than I remembered.

The summer sun had tanned his skin and lightened his hair, somehow making him look more boyish. His wild bronze hair fell haphazardly on his forehead, and he unconsciously raked his hand through it in the way I remembered. Rose was standing next to him, saying something that I couldn't hear, and he gave her a slight nod, but his eyes were focused on me. A strange green color. I hadn't imagined it. Jade. Almost too bright. He looked at me intently.

I stepped forward to greet him, trying not to stare at his strong forearms, the muscles toned and visible under his tan, a curl of chest hair just visible at the neckline of his dark green shirt. I bit my lip as I approached, imagining I saw his gaze dart down to my mouth.

"Bella." He said, his eyes searching my face for recognition. "It's good to see you." His voice was low. Did he remember our last meeting? How could he not? I was embarrassed, hoping he wouldn't bring it up.

I looked over my shoulder; Rose and Emmett were watching us closely.

"It's good to see you too, Edward." He took my right hand in both of his and held it. His hands felt rough and warm. Standing this close to him, I noticed the dark circles under his eyes for the first time. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. And had he lost a little weight?

Emmett came over to us, slinging his arm around my shoulder. Edward abruptly dropped my hand.

"So, why don't we go get you ladies settled?" Emmett suggested. "Edward's been working the garden, and I'm sure he could use a shower, and I have a couple of things to do around here to get ready for the retreat. Then I thought we could all make dinner together, since the staff is off? What'dya say?"

"Sounds great, Em." Rose smiled at him fondly. I agreed and looked over at Edward. He was still staring at me; he gave a slight nod.

"Well that's that, then." Emmett returned to the car and grabbed a couple of our bags. Edward carried the rest and led us into the Center.

…

EPOV

I couldn't stop staring at her. Bella was just as I had remembered, but…different. Her hair was longer, loose and cascading down more fully down her back. The tank top she was wearing showed off arms that were more defined than they were the last time I had seen her. Her skin was just as fair.

I felt like a drowning man desperately glimpsing the shore; if I closed my eyes she would disappear and I would sink below the surface.

When she stretched out her hand to shake mine, instead of performing the customary gesture, I impulsively grabbed it and held it in-between my own. Surprisingly she didn't pull away. And she was biting her lower lip, its fullness stretched taut between her teeth.

Glancing over her shoulder, I noticed Emmett's disapproving glare. He came over to us and I dropped her hand, instantly missing the contact and angry with myself for touching her like that in the first place.

As my brother and I led them into the Center, I was conscious of Bella's presence behind me. I could feel her eyes on me as we walked, the tension of unspoken words between us.

Emmett and I led Bella to a room on the third floor, a larger one than the one she had occupied last time, and with its own private shower and bath. She looked at me questioningly as I allowed her to go before me, entering behind with her bags.

"Oh, this is so nice, Em. And…Edward. Thanks again for letting me stay here." She sounded a bit disappointed. Did she want to be housed on the staff floor again? No. This room was much more suitable for her. Farther away from me.

I went to set down her bags and, as she reached for one, her hand brushed mine on the handle. It was such a small touch, but it sent a current through me. I knew I had to leave the room immediately.

"We'll see you in a bit, Bella." I promised, turning away from her so she wouldn't see my overreaction.

"Okay." Her voice was small.

God, I was going to have to get a grip if I was going to survive these three weeks.

…

BPOV

Once Edward and Emmett had left me to get situated, I sank down on the bed, my knees weak. How could the man affect me like this? There was some sort of strange pull between us, making me long to touch him. Even as we stood close together he felt too far away.

I had to get myself together. I was here for yoga and for Rose's wedding. Edward was off-limits.

…

Two hours later, I made my way down to the kitchen, finding Rose and Emmett laughing and talking as they enjoyed a glass of wine.

I smiled at them and teased, "I thought no alcohol was allowed?"

"Special occasion, Bells." Emmett justified, pulling Rose close. "How often does a man get married?"

"Oh, I don't know, two or three times?" came a voice from behind me. It was Edward, leaning against the door and smirking.

"Ha ha ha," Rose faked a staccato laugh. "Very funny, Edward."

"Just don't let any of the guests see that when they come," Edward replied, trying to sound grumpy and failing.

"So what's for dinner?" I asked.

In response, Edward went to the refrigerator and began pulling out ingredients. Emmett gestured me over and handed me a glass of wine. Soon the counter was littered with avocados, sun-dried tomatoes, salad greens, shallots, garlic, asparagus, butter, and a few types of cheese.

"I thought we'd make risotto tonight, and maybe a salad?" Edward suggested, looking at me for approval.

"That sounds great, Edward. I love Italian." Leaving Rose and Emmett to their love fest, I offered him my help, since it was clear he was the one who would be doing the work.

"But to be honest," I confessed, "I've never made risotto before. I'm kind of helpless in the kitchen."

He smiled at me and shrugged, handing me a cutting board and some vegetables. "It's easy, really. Just a lot of stirring. Here, I'll show you."

"Edward's a wiz in the kitchen, Bells." Emmett informed me. "I swear if he wasn't a yoga instructor he'd be a chef."

Edward grunted and continued his preparations.

As I chopped the ingredients for the salad, I stole sidelong glances at Edward as he deftly minced garlic and shallots, adding them to a skillet of melted butter on the stove and stirring rapidly. He moved with confidence and grace, clearly enjoying himself.

Once and I while, he'd glance over at me and tell me what he was doing. When he was ready to add the wine to the rice in the skillet, he called me over to the stove and instructed me to stir. Soon, I got the hang of it; really, it was pretty easy. It simply demanded constant attention. Edward ladled hot broth into the skillet I was tending as it absorbed into the rice, coming to stand with me at the stove. The steam from the risotto rose and swirled around our faces, making the already warm kitchen hotter still.

Although he didn't touch me, his proximity was distracting. I could feel his body radiating warmth, tickling my bare skin. Though we didn't speak much, the silence as we worked was comfortable. Rose and Emmett appeared to be getting a little drunk, and Edward and I exchanged wry looks as the couple became more boisterous, shouting at us from across the kitchen.

Rose opened a second bottle of wine and poured me another glass, offering some to Edward, who surprised me by accepting it, sniffing and sipping it appreciatively. This amused me for some reason, and I laughed and shook my head. He cocked his eyebrow, challenging me to call him out. I laughed again and continued stirring.

By the time dinner was ready, I was feeling more than a little tipsy myself and quite giddy from being so close to Edward. To finish the dish, he sprinkled a generous amount of shaved Parmigiano Reggiano and some lemon zest into the pan, taking the spoon from me and giving it a final stir. The smell was delectable, and I leaned forward inhaling and "mmm-ing" appreciatively, though I was a bit overheated from cooking. Edward was leaning against the counter watching me. His expression, which just a minute before had been serene, was troubled.

We grabbed our glasses, plates, and the food, and made our way to the dining room.

As we began eating, I realized something felt a little strange. And then I recognized what it was: I hadn't ever seen Edward eat in here before. During my time at the Center with Rose and Alice, he had never once taken a meal with the rest of us. I knew that one symptom of PTSD was a fear of being in crowded areas, and I wondered if that was the reason. Perhaps with just the four of us, it didn't bother him.

I must have been staring at him, because Edward looked at me strangely from across the table. To deflect suspicion, I complemented the food.

"This is delicious Edward. I've never had such good risotto." I said honestly. He really was an excellent cook.

"Well, you helped a lot."

I blushed and, conscious of the reddening bloom on my cheeks, blushed more deeply.

"Hardly," I objected.

For the rest of the dinner, Edward remained mostly silent as Rose, Emmett and I first discussed the wedding, then launched into a critique of the movie Avatar, which the three of us had seen during Emmett's last visit to New York. I noticed that Emmett didn't really make much of an effort to include his brother in the conversation, but Edward didn't seem to want to be included. He seemed distracted, swirling the wine in his glass and barely touching his food.

When we had finished and Emmett suggested going on a walk after dinner, I felt sure Edward would decline. He surprised me again though, by quickly assenting. According to Emmett, there was a beautiful spot nearby overlooking the valley. It would be a bit of a climb, but the view would be worth it with the sunset coming on quickly.

Edward and Rosalie walked out ahead of Emmett and me, and I wondered what they were talking about. Maybe they were taking some time to bond? I was a bit disappointed, but at the same time was glad to have Emmett's company. We had become good friends during his visits with Rosalie.

"You look so happy, Em. I'm so glad for you and Rose. She really deserves someone like you."

"What, a big clumsy oaf?"

"Exactly."

We laughed, and I thought I saw Edward turn his head. Maybe not.

"To be serious, Bells. I've honestly never felt this way before. I'm so glad I found her." He paused, formulating his thoughts. When he spoke again, his voice was hushed. Obviously, he didn't want the two in front of us to hear.

"The last few years have been hard. When Edward enlisted, my whole family went apeshit. My mother cried for weeks. He was the pride and joy, you know? The youngest son. Our father wanted him to go to college, to med school like him. But Edward was stubborn. When Jake said he wanted to enlist in the army, Edward decided to go with him. I think more than anything he was just rebelling against what our father wanted."

Jake. So that was the friend's name. My hunch that Edward's friend had died in Iraq had been right. It felt a little wrong for Emmett to be telling me this, but I could tell he needed to get it off of his chest. I remained quiet, allowing him to go on.

"I was left to pick up the pieces. Even though I was always the family fuck-up." He scoffed. "Don't get me wrong, I love my brother. But I fucking envied the way that things always seemed to come so easy for him, you know?" I nodded. Things had never come easily for me either.

"But then Jake died. And he was my friend, too, a good friend. Maybe we weren't as close as he and Edward, but we grew up together. He was younger than me, a bit on the wild side, but he was a nice kid.

"And then Edward…" he didn't go further. I knew that he knew Rose had told me about the PTSD, but he didn't feel comfortable divulging more information, and I respected him for it. Edward's problem was becoming the elephant in the room.

"So anyway, Bells. I don't know why I'm telling you this. I just want you to know that this shit has made me think a lot differently about life. When I met Rose, I just knew I couldn't let her go."

"Like carpe diem," I suggested.

"Yeah, I guess so. Seize the day, and shit." He grinned, lightening the mood. Emmett certainly had a way with words. I nodded. It made sense. I probably would have felt the same way in his situation.

Edward and Rose paused in the path ahead of us, waiting for us to catch up. Rose held her hand out to Emmett, and he gave my arm a quick squeeze before going to her.

Now Rose and Emmett walked in front, leaving me alone with Edward for the first time since we'd been back. The ease I had felt with him in the kitchen was replaced by a tension-filled silence. Neither of us wanted to acknowledge our last interaction, but I knew it was inevitable. Finally, he spoke.

"Bella, I feel the need to apologize for my behavior towards you during your last visit. It was inappropriate. If I made you feel uncomfortable, I'm sorry." He kept his eyes down, focused on the path in front of him.

I really didn't want to have this conversation. "It's fine, really. You didn't. I consider all that water under the bridge."

He looked up at me, surprised. "You do?"

I did, but not in the way he thought.

He was quiet again as we began the final ascent.

"So…how've you been?" he ventured.

"Oh, pretty good, actually. Everything's going great, except the job hunt. That's the last thing on my list, and I'll have everything that I want."

"Everything?"

I didn't reply. He tried again. "What's this list all about?"

I began to tell him about my "Bella Life Improvement" plan, leaving out any mention of men or relationships. He chuckled as I related stories about my job hunt; some of my recent experiences had gone horribly, and hysterically, awry. In particular, I had applied for a position as an editor at a "firm" I was unfamiliar with, J. Jenks Enterprises, and had been astonished to discover during my interview that the "enterprise" was actually a pornography magazine called Dicksie Chicks. Needless to say, I had made a quick getaway from Mr. Jenks, who looked like Ron Jeremy on a bad day.

Edward looked shocked for a minute then burst out laughing. His face lit up; it was a beautiful sight to see.

His next question was one I had studiously attempted to avoid.

"And things with Mike….?"

I was startled he was asking, and quickly replied, "Oh, we're fine now."

His head snapped up, his eyes flashing darkly. "I see," he said tersely, lengthening his stride.

I put my hand out to stop him. "No, that's NOT what I meant. I just meant that things are fine between us. We're not together. I'm just not angry over it anymore; I guess that's what I was trying to say."

He looked embarrassed. My hand was still on his arm, tense under my grasp. I realized I was holding quite tightly, and let go him go.

He didn't seem to notice, averting his gaze. "Right. I should have known. Sorry, it's none of my business anyway," he mumbled.

"It's okay," I replied, brushing it off. "I'm just not the type of girl to ever go back to someone like that, even if he wanted me to. For me, the worst part about it is the untruthfulness. I could never trust him again."

The spark had gone out of Edward's eyes. He looked tired again, and sad. I realized our whole conversation had centered on my life.

"What about you, Edward? How are you these days?" I tried to keep the question light, but I searched his face for an honest answer.

He didn't give me one, stating simply that he was "fine."

I decided it wasn't my place to pressure him further. "Read any good books lately?"

"No. I haven't been reading much."

"Oh." This didn't seem like the Edward I had met four months ago; then, we had chatted endlessly about our favorite authors. "I guess I haven't really either; I've been so busy. I was hoping you'd have some good recommendations."

"I wish I did." He smiled slightly. Good.

"I have been reading Patanjali's Yoga Sutras, though," I added. He looked interested.

"Emmett told me that you and Rose had become regular practitioners," he revealed. "But I guess I didn't know you were so into it."

"I wasn't, well, not at first. You must remember how terrible I was…."

"No, Bella, I don't remember you being terrible." He smirked. "I think that's how you remember it."

Hmm. I dismissed his last comment.

"Anyway, I've been going twice a week, and I've been reading up on yoga philosophy too. The Sutras really are amazing."

"And what have you taken away from your reading?" he asked.

"That kaivalya is something I'm never likely to achieve. And, anyway, I don't know if I want to!"

He looked at me intently. "No?"

"I don't know….I mean, I enjoy doing yoga. It's been really fun learning about it, and it does work to relieve stress. I feel better about myself, and it helps me focus, even outside of class. But I'm not looking to attain "pure consciousness." A life of detachment seems like not much of a life to me, even if it might be freeing in some ways."

I realized that it seemed like I was judging Edward for his lifestyle. Was he angry with me?

"It looks like you've learned a lot, Bella. I'm impressed."

I guess he wasn't. Pleased that I hadn't offended him, I was about to go on, but Rose and Emmett were waiting for us and Edward suggested we continue our conversation another time.

We caught up with them at our final destination, a dramatic clearing at the top of the small mountain we had climbed. I was proud to have made it up the steep incline without becoming winded, as I had during our last hike. I stood on the rocky ledge with my hands on my hips and filling my lungs with the cool evening air, feeling victorious.

Emmett pulled out a blanket and a couple of containers from the bag he was carrying; he had brought dessert—fresh apples, strawberries, pears and a chocolate dipping sauce. The four of us sat down in a circle on the blanket, Edward to my left and Rosalie to my right. I had a spectacular view of the valley and, now that the sun was setting, the sky was a palate of crimson and orange.

Rose snuggled into the crook of Emmett's arm and they whispered together. I felt awkward and looked away from them. It was a very couple-y moment, and Edward and I were decidedly NOT a couple.

His closeness wasn't helping matters. I became extremely aware of each of his subtle movements as he handed me a plate and knife and several pieces of fruit. Good, I could distract myself from the way that Edward's thigh was slightly touching mine by doing something with my hands. Something productive. I'd ignore the way his leg hair was slightly tickling me. The way he hummed as he unwrapped the chocolate sauce and distributed plates and napkins.

I began to slice and core an apple trying to focus on the task but failing miserably. The blanket was rather small. That was why he was touching me. Right?

The knife slipped in my grasp and I lost control of it, cutting into the webbing between the thumb and forefinger of my left hand.

"Oh Shit." I said rather weakly, as the wound had already begun to bleed. I dropped the fruit and the implement of destruction, drawing everyone's attention to my unfortunate situation.

"Bella, what happened?" Rose asked concernedly.

"Oh, nothing, nothing," I held my injured hand tightly; the blood wasn't staunched, though, and began to ooze through my fingers. I tried not to inhale; the smell was making me nauseous and dizzy.

"Bella," Edward said authoritatively. "Let me see." I unwillingly relinquished my hands to him. He took them, gently prying open my right hand. I knew I shouldn't look, but couldn't tear my eyes away. The cut was bleeding profusely.

"Jeeeeesuz Bells! That looks nasty!" Emmett exclaimed. Rose and Emmett were talking, but I couldn't decipher what they were saying over the roaring in my ears.

"Shut UP, Emmett," Edward muttered, his head bent close to mine as he examined the damage. My dizziness was becoming more pronounced, and I felt my sight darken. With his free hand Edward cupped my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze and directing my eyes away from the blood.

"Bella…Bella. Look at me. Look at me." Edward called me back from my fainting spell. "I need you to close your eyes, okay? Take deep breaths through your nose. I'm going to clean this and see how deep it is."

I nodded did as he asked, wincing as he poured water on the wound and dabbed it with a tissue. My nausea returned full-force and my breathing quickened.

"Shhhhhh…it's okay, it's okay." He was whispering to me, "Bella, it's okay. Shhhhh, honey, it's okay." I realized I was whimpering.

"The cut's not that deep; I don't think she'll need stitches," he told Emmett and Rose. "But that part of the hand has a lot of blood vessels, so it's prone to excessive bleeding." I tried to focus on their conversation, but I was losing it again. My head lolled to the side.

Then there was darkness.

EPOV

Her face was ashen as she held her hurt hand, and I remembered from the Biology lab story that Bella hated the sight of blood. That it made her faint. From the looks of her, she wasn't far off from doing just that right now.

I tried to remain calm and focused though I was worried she had cut herself badly, taking her small trembling hands in mine and removing the uninjured one from its twin.

The wound didn't seem deep, but it was bleeding profusely. Bella whimpered as I asked her to look away, moaning as I began to cleanse her hand. It was entirely inappropriate, but her moaning went straight to my groin. I chastised myself for the involuntary reflex, shushing her and whispering soothing words, all the while feeling like a pervert. She looked so frail, a contrast to the feisty woman I had hiked with just a little while before.

Emmett and Rose were asking how deep the cut was, and I informed them it was only a minor wound. But the bleeding wasn't stopping rapidly enough. Bella's head began to drop to the side, and I knew she was about to faint. I caught her slight frame as she slumped over, laying her down gingerly on the blanket as I glared at Rose and Emmett, willing them to move. I laid my hand on Bella's forehead; it was cool and clammy with sweat.

"She's out cold," I reported. "And I don't have any smelling salts." We were out of water too. I called to her, but she wasn't responding.

"Here, we've gotta get her home. I'll take her." Emmett made a motion to pick Bella up.

"I've got her." I snapped, hovering over her supine form.

"Okay, okay," Emmett gave me a funny look and backed up, taking Rose's hand instead.

I gently slid one arm under Bella's knees and my other under her head and neck, cradling her gently. The movement did nothing to rouse her. I stood slowly, feeling her full weight in my arms; though her body was limp, she was quite light—I noticed she was a little thinner than she had been, but not unhealthily so. Her body seemed strong and vigorous in spite of her present state.

Emmett and Rose gathered the picnic gear and we began a silent progression back down the mountain. Though Bella wasn't heavy, carrying her slowed my pace, and I allowed Emmett and Rose to go ahead of me, though they offered several times to help.

Soon, they were far ahead of us, and I pulled Bella closer to me, enjoying the guilty pleasure of being with her like this, alone. She stirred slightly and I shushed her again, gently brushing my lips against her forehead and inhaling her scent. She seemed less troubled now, and it was silent in the darkening forest. Despite my exertion, it was the most relaxed I'd been in months.

Some minutes later, her eyelids fluttered and she looked up at me.

"Hey." She said shyly, now aware of the fact I was holding her.

"Hey." I smiled, relieved she was okay.

"I'm so embarrassed." She flushed.

"It's not a problem. Happens all the time."

"Thank you, Edward."

"Shhhh. Just rest." I was secretly thrilled as she snuggled against my chest, actively using her arms to pull herself closer. She closed her eyes again.

I didn't care that her hand had bloodied my shirt.

After a while, she slept, lulled by the rhythm of my steps.

**A/N: Thanks so much for reading and for your reviews. Please let me know what you think! **


	9. Cobra

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight; I own Yogiward.**

**A/N: Thanks so much for reading everyone! I'd love to hear your thoughts about the story. And you can now follow me on Twitter Magnolia822 !**

**Thanks, as always to nadia215 for her mad Beta skillz! Enjoy!**

Chapter 9: Cobra

BPOV

When I opened my eyes I was secure in Edward's arms. I realized I must have fainted and that he was now carrying me back to the Center. Though it was rapidly darkening, his face was close to mine, and I could make out his expression of concern. Feeling a bit guilty for making him carry me and embarrassed for all the fuss, I was instantly shy. But he appeared not to mind, and I clung closer to him, loving the feeling of his steady stride and the ease with which he moved despite my weight. It didn't occur to me to ask to be let down; I felt weak, and wasn't sure my legs would've carried me anyway.

I must have fallen asleep, because I don't remember Edward carrying me into the Center. I awoke to hear him whispering to Rose and Emmett; they were concerned about my cut, but Edward was assuring them it had stopped bleeding. He asked Emmett to get some orange juice for my blood sugar and the first aid kit so he could doctor my hand. He was still holding me.

I cleared my throat, making it clear I was awake. We were in the sitting room, and Edward moved me over to the couch, laying me down gently. Rose rushed over to me, peering down anxiously and stroking my hair.

"Can't take me anywhere," I joked lamely.

"Oh, Bells. What are we going to do with you?" She laughed. "Let's hope to God you never have kids."

Emmett had returned with the kit. "What would be worse, Bella giving birth or dealing with minor cuts and scrapes? Kids are pretty accident prone, Bells. When we were young, Edward here hit me in the head with a wooden log and my head was bleeding so much I swear to God I thought Esme was going to kill him!"

"Ugh…." I moaned. This conversation was making me sick. "Please stop…."

Edward came to my defense. "Em, knock it off."

"Just trying to lighten the mood, bro."

"Bella," Edward turned to me, "Do you think you can sit? I need to clean your hand and bandage it, and you need to drink this juice."

I nodded and he helped me up. Rose and Emmett hovered behind him; all their attention was making me uncomfortable.

"Uh, Rose? Do you think you could, like, not stare at me right now? You're kinda freaking me out."

That got her attention. "Right. Sorry. Emmett," she urged, taking his hand, "let's go. Bella doesn't want us gawking at her like a baby panda in a zoo." I gave her a small smile of appreciation as they left the room.

I sipped on my juice, watching as Edward ferreted in the first aid kit, finding the supplies he needed. Now that the bleeding had stopped, it didn't bother me as much, though I felt utterly drained.

I had finished the juice, and he took my cup, setting it down on the coffee table, and taking a seat next to me.

"This might sting a little," he warned as he poured some peroxide onto a cotton ball and made to dab at my hand.

"Oh, I've had worse."

"I hope not." He smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling.

He wiped the dried blood away and began applying butterfly closures to ensure the wound stayed sealed; I watched as he worked, his brow furrowed in concentration as he bent over me. It was then I noticed my hand had bloodied his shirt.

"Oh Edward, I ruined your shirt. You need to give it to me and I'll wash it for you. I'm so sorry….I'll buy you another one if it doesn't come out."

He shrugged his shoulders. "Bella, it's really fine. It's a shitty shirt. Besides, I've had worse."

"I hope not." I said, mirroring his earlier response. He didn't acknowledge my remark. I waited a beat. "Did you really hit Emmett in the head with a log?"

He nodded, quirking his mouth into a crooked smile.

"Good for you."

Edward wrapped cotton gauze around my hand to finish off his treatment, securing it with medical tape. I was mesmerized by the back of his head so close to my own; his hair contained a myriad of colors reflecting in the soft light of the lamp at his side.

All of a sudden, there was a flash of lightening and a low rumble. It had begun to rain.

"You would have made a wonderful doctor," I whispered, admiring his handy-work. He had taken such care, not hurting me at all.

Edward looked up at me, his face only inches from mine. I could feel his soft breath on my face, could almost taste him. He smelt of chocolate and only faintly of the wine we had drunk during dinner.

He was frozen as a marble statue, not moving even when a second, louder clap of thunder sounded.

Impulsively, I leaned forward, closing the remaining distance between us. My lips barely grazed his, but the light contact ignited a swell of desire in my belly, fanning out in waves down my legs and up my neck to my face. I flushed with warmth, my breath ragged, begging for him to take me out of my misery.

He still didn't move. We sat for what seemed like minutes, our breath mingling, performing the union I wanted so urgently for our lips and our tongues. If I just pushed forward one millimeter they would seal together, but I wanted him to be the one to make the final decision.

He did, but it was not the one I wanted.

With a groan, he pushed himself away forcefully, moving a couple of feet away from me on the couch and throwing his head back. He pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes.

Tears began to sting my eyes from the rejection, but I willed myself not to cry. I wondered if I should try to leave the room before he opened his eyes again.

"Bella…" he said softly as I began to move.

If I said anything the tears would surely fall, so I remained silent.

"Bella." He said again, reaching out his hand to stop me.

I turned back to him; he was looking at me solemnly. I couldn't tell what he was thinking. All I felt was the urgent need to flee from the embarrassing situation.

"Please let me explain." His eyes were pleading.

"No, Edward. I'm tired. I just want to go…"

"Please, Bella. I don't mean to hurt your feelings. It isn't from lack of wanting you…." He drifted off… "I feel this…something between us…I do. I wish I could kiss you…I want to.

"I made a choice a long time ago, and I can't change it. I've chosen to live my life this way…I have my reasons, Bella…

"All I can offer you is my friendship. I'll understand if you refuse…if you want to ignore me from now on, while you're here. I won't bother you. But I hope you will. Be my friend. I don't have many."

Now the tears that had threatened did fall, but they were no longer for me and my embarrassment, they were for Edward. He was broken. He felt unworthy of love. Because of Jacob's death? Did he feel responsible somehow? I wanted to ask him…to tell him that whatever happened hadn't been his fault, but I didn't know any of the details, and I didn't want to hurt him further. He looked so lost sitting there before me, no longer the assured man who'd so expertly administered to me that evening. He was still holding onto my arm, clinging to it, as I had clung to him as he carried me through the forest. He had supported me then. I would do the same now.

I placed my hand over his and squeezed it, releasing it from my arm but still holding it tightly.

I could no longer deny my feelings for Edward, at least not to myself. If I was being honest, it was part of the reason (or maybe the real reason), I had come back to the Center with Rose. I wanted him to kiss me, still wanted him to, so badly I ached with the impossibility of it all. We would never be lovers, and I had to accept that if we were to be friends.

I decided I would take friendship if that was what he wanted, what he could give, even as part of me understood I would always desire more.

But how could I refuse him friendship?

"Of course I'll be your friend, Edward." I tried to smile, though my voice choked.

He looked relieved, entwining our fingers together more firmly. Sighing, he leaned back against the couch, pulling me to sit next to him. He held our conjoined hands in his lap. Did friends hold hands? Maybe they did, though I had never held hands with a male friend. I decided this thought-process wasn't productive, banishing my impertinent musings.

By now, it was late by Center standards, nearing 10:00. I commented that Rose and Emmett probably weren't coming back, but neither of us dared to acknowledge what they were likely doing.

I was exhausted and emotionally drained, and longed for the solitude of my room, but Edward didn't seem to share the same feelings.

I yawned and he looked at me, recognition dawning.

"You're tired." He said, not making any move to release me.

"Yes. A lot of excitement today, you know?" I hoped I sounded nonchalant. "Aren't you?"

"Not really." He said. He was silent a few beats. "I don't sleep much."

I was startled by his confession. From what I'd heard from Rose, it didn't seem like Edward had been very forthcoming with Emmett or Jasper about his sleep issues. It touched me that he felt comfortable enough to tell me this; maybe he wanted to talk about it?

"How come?" I asked hesitantly.

"Just don't."

Maybe not.

"When I have trouble sleeping sometimes it helps me to listen to music. Or read something really boring."

He laughed sadly. "But what if I don't want to sleep?"

"Well, I guess that's different."

I decided to tell him.

"Edward, I know you were in the army."

I expected him to be angry, but he just looked at me. "I know."

"How?"

"Emmett told me after you left. Well, he told me he told Rosalie. So I assumed she told you."

"Oh." I was surprised. "You're not angry?"

"Not anymore."

"You were."

"Yeah, of course. It's no one's business. It's for me to tell."

"Is that what you dream about?"

"How do you know I dream?" He looked at me askance.

"I just figured maybe it was the reason you don't want to sleep."

"Hmmm."

"Do you…"

"No. I don't want to talk about it…." He cut me off. "If that's what you were going to ask."

"Sorry. But you can talk to me…if you want to."

Edward didn't respond, but seemed to be considering my reply.

The storm was really picking up now, shaking and rattling the house. I wasn't exactly fond of thunder, and I shrank against Edward's side. We sat like that for some time listening to the storm. He was warm, and I felt myself nodding off.

"Bella," Edward was standing up. "Let's get you to bed." I groggily assented, and he pulled me to standing.

When we arrived at my door, he released my hand.

"Goodnight, Bella. Thank you…for staying up with me."

I smiled sleepily. "Anytime….Well, not _any_time…but….most times." Then I remembered myself. "Thank _you_ for carrying me through the forest. And patching me up. And not laughing at my sorry ass."

"Anytime." He smiled.

I wanted to ask him to stay with me, to fall asleep curled in his arms, but I entered my room alone.

…

The next day returned the vibrant sun; there was no trace at all of the previous night's tumultuous weather. I had slept soundly, but awoke to the strange sensation of Edward holding me, kissing my hair softly as he carried me. Whispering sweet words into my ear…but surely it had been a dream. A good dream, but a dream all the same.

I readied myself for a day of wedding planning. Rose had wanted to select a place on the Center's grounds on which to perform the ceremony, and we were also going to finalize place settings and the reception menu. Although the wedding was short notice and Rose and Emmett wanted to keep things small with only 30 guests, we still wanted everything to go perfectly.

Still shaking off sleep, I dressed and hurried downstairs. Though the staff would be back later tonight to prepare for tomorrow's arrivals, the Center was still deserted. My nose followed the smell of maple syrup down to the kitchen. When I arrived I found Edward, alone, systematically dropping blueberries into batter cooking on a large cast iron skillet. He heard my approach and lifted his head, smiling and waving over to me.

I joined him at the stove, marveling at his handy-work. "Blueberry pancakes? They're my favorite."

"Yep. The berries are from our garden." He proudly announced.

"Well sign me up," I declared, "Cause I'm starving."

Edward worked until he had a few pancakes prepared, then joined me at the kitchen table reserved for staff meals. Rose and Emmett were noticeably absent. They were probably sleeping in…or something.

I gratefully forked a generous bite of pancake into my mouth. We sat munching in silence for a few minutes. I noticed Edward didn't look as drawn as he had the day before. He was humming as he ate. Rose and Emmett still hadn't appeared. They must have REALLY missed each other.

"Did you sleep okay?" I asked.

"Actually, I did." He sounded surprised, as if the idea was revelatory.

"That's great. Me too." It felt nice sitting and enjoying breakfast with Edward. He certainly knew how to make a mean pancake.

He asked me about my plans for the day and I filled him in on our "schedule", but I could tell he was rapidly losing interest. Girl stuff, I surmised. Or maybe it was more than that.

"Aren't you happy about the wedding?" I asked him.

"Sure, sure." He paused, the smile fading from his face.

Just then Emmett and Rosalie entered, chatting excitedly.

"BELLA!" Rose exclaimed when she saw me. "You okay? How's your hand?" She looked a bit guilty for leaving me the night before. I felt fine, and I told her so.

"Edward fixed it up. It's okay."

She was relieved. "Oh good! I knew it would be."

"I'm fine. No worries."

Rose thanked Edward for his help, reiterating how worried she'd been. I internally laughed. She hadn't been hard to get rid of last night, after all.

Edward excused himself somewhat abruptly. He seemed a bit put out by our new company, not that I blamed him. Rose and Emmett were unnaturally fond of PDAs.

Emmett went to the stove and prepared his and Rose's pancakes while the two of us chatted about wedding preparations. Rose was talking so fast she sounded like Alice, not noticing my lack of enthusiasm with a self-centeredness acceptable only in soon-to-be brides. My mind kept drifting to Edward and why he had been in such a hurry to leave. Had I said something wrong?

Once Emmett and Rose had finished breakfast, Emmett left us to our own devices, promising he'd collect us later. We planned to go to a nearby swimming hole to cool off during the heat of the day.

The next couple of hours dragged. I hadn't seen Edward at all after breakfast, and his disappearance remained troublesome. Perhaps he was rethinking our conversation from the night before and he didn't want to be friends after all. Maybe he was still freaked out about our almost-kiss.

_Or perhaps he just has stuff to do_, my more rational mind suggested. _The retreat begins tomorrow_.

Right. I vowed not to think so much about my new friend and his whereabouts.

Finally, the hour designated for our swimming expedition arrived. Rose and I had a quick snack, changed and grabbed our towels, heading out to meet Emmett at his Jeep. It was an extremely hot July day with temperatures reaching the mid-90's. The promise of a cool watering hole was intoxicating.

To my surprise and delight, Edward was waiting for us with Emmett. He didn't look very pleased, though; the two were standing apart from each other, not speaking.

"Edward's decided to join us," Emmett informed us as we approached. Did I detect a hint of resentment in his tone?

Edward gave me a half smile as if to ask permission. I nodded happily, clambering into the back of the Jeep.

When we arrived at our destination, I was astonished to find that the "swimming hole" was actually fed by a spectacular waterfall, the pool dark, wide and deep and, I discovered sticking my toes into it, freezing.

Though the spot beautiful, the four of us were alone.

I shuddered, pulling my foot back. There were many large rocks scattered around the edge of the water, flanking its outlet into a picturesque mountain stream. Rose had already removed her cover-up and had spread out her towel on one of the rocks; presumably she wasn't planning on freezing her ass off in the ice-cold water.

Edward and Emmett, though, seemed to have different ideas. Emmett was the first in, skirting the edge of the pool until he reached a ledge under the waterfall, cannon-balling into the water. He emerged seconds later, exultantly emitting a loud "whoop."

I glanced over at Edward's profile as he watched his brother with detached amusement. He stretched and pulled his shirt over his head, leaving his torso bare. Now I was blatantly staring at his finely muscled back and shoulders, which I had previously only seen intimated under clothes. Besides a dappling of freckles, probably a result of sun exposure, his skin was flawless, smooth, and deeply tan. He turned to me, and I had to wrench my eyes away from the trail of finely curling dark blonde hair that decorated his chest and let to other, more secret areas. I blushed as he caught me gawking, moving to discard my own clothing.

I wore a royal blue bikini—a little more revealing choice than I was used to—purchased, of course, by Alice. I tossed my clothes the onto the rock I was standing on and made my way towards its edge, sitting and dangling my legs into the water, hissing with the shock of the cold. Looking back at Edward, I realized he was staring at me darkly. He joined me at the water's edge.

"You can't ease into it, Bella. It's far too cold. The only way to do it is to just jump in."

"Hmmm." I replied, considering this. I was already freezing, the heat I had felt earlier in the day had entirely dissipated. Glancing down, I noticed my nipples were beads, clearly visible through my unpadded bikini top. Edward's gaze followed mine and I thought I saw him smile before he looked away. God this was embarrassing. This bathing suit was clearly meant for warm water and tropical beaches, not wintry New England mountain ponds.

"You first," I stipulated. He didn't need coaxing, and with a graceful dive plunged headfirst into the water. His entry thoroughly splashed me, and I squealed as he surfaced, sputtering and shaking water from his hair.

"Come on in," he cajoled, "The water's great…not too cold."

"Yeah right," I muttered.

Emmett had swum over to us. I wasn't a great swimmer, and was a little nervous…it seemed quite deep.

"Come on, Bells," Emmett called. "Be brave!"

I grumbled standing up. "Fine, but only for a minute. I'll have you know my swimming capabilities are limited."

"Oh I'll catch you Bells!" Emmett promised. Edward looked at him angrily.

"I don't need catching, Em. Get out of my way."

With that, I took a leaping jump and plunged into the water feet first. The shock on my body nearly overwhelmed me, pins and needles of the cold prickling my skin. I emerged with a disoriented shriek, slightly panicked because I couldn't feel the bottom. The water in my eyes blinded my vision, and I wiped them with one hand as the other treaded water. I remembered the bandage on my hand; it was soaking wet and would need replacing. Hopefully I hadn't re-injured it.

Edward was at my side, looking bemused at my antics. I began to flail, trying to make for the edge, and he assisted, placing his large hand on my shoulder to propel me along. I climbed out ungracefully, shaking and shivering. If my nipples were hard before, they were now ready to cut glass.

I grabbed my towel to cover myself, but probably not before flashing all of my friends.

Joining Rose, I settled down on her sun-warmed rock gratefully, huddled in my towel. Emmett joined us, but Edward remained in the water for a while. He was clearly a talented swimmer, moving just as gracefully in the water as he did on land. I felt relaxed watching him and stretched out on my towel, lulled by the sound of his splashing and the heat of the rock.

EPOV

Bella was standing, clad in a tiny blue bikini that seemed designed by my deepest fantasies. I tried hard not to watch her, but it was nearly impossible. When she bent to sit with her legs in the water, fully exposing her firm round ass, I nearly groaned aloud. She had had a beautiful body before, but the yoga was clearly having beneficial effects. The coldness of the water made her nipples jut out in a way that seemed almost painful. I hoped she didn't notice me staring helplessly at her chest.

I dove into the water, trying to regain my sanity. Things had seemed so much easier in the morning, after our talk the night before. We had enjoyed a pleasant breakfast…until I thought of Jake…and Rosalie and Emmett arrived. My brother had always been one for visible displays of affection, and now that he had found Rose the two of them were in constant contact, which made me uncomfortable, especially with Bella.

I hadn't lied when I said I wanted us to be friends. I did. She put me at ease in a way that no one else ever had. Strangely, I felt like I had always known her, that we had been friends forever. She didn't seem to judge me, even knowing some of my...idiosyncrasies.

But I also knew she was attracted to me. That we were attracted to each other. Last night, when she had nearly kissed me, I had been so close to breaking…If she had just leaned forward a bit more, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself.

My mouth would take hers gently, rolling our tongues together, savoring her sweet breath as she sighed into my mouth. Gradually the urgency would increase, and so would the friction as I pressed her head closer, angling my mouth to reach the deep recesses of hers. I would pull her body flush with mine, dragging her over me on the couch until she straddled me and I felt the slickness of her folds with my hand. I would remove it, licking her taste from my fingers. I would plunge into her, over, and over, and over. Her heat would be unbearable around my hardness, searing me, burning me. Like a wild man, I would never stop, could never stop pumping into her. Even after I came I would be hard instantly. And it would continue again and again.

In my room after leaving her, I had drifted to sleep despite a painful and throbbing erection that I refused to grant release.

But in the morning, things had seemed clearer. For one, I had slept soundly for the first time in months. I awoke feeling refreshed, the anxiety that had plagued me since my conversation with Billy Black not eradicated, but greatly diminished.

I could do this, could be her friend.

Seeing her like this now was clearly complicating things, and I couldn't allow complications.

When I had helped her to reach the side, the water cascading down her curves and over her now fully visible areolas had reignited my illicit fantasies. Even in the water, I was hard and warm, wanting her. And so I had remained submerged and swum until my cock deflated and I could climb out without giving myself away.

Bella and Rose were sunning themselves on a rock at one side of the pool, and I decided it was in my best interest to take up residency a few stones away so that I wouldn't be tempted to ogle Bella.

I toweled myself off, enjoying the warmth of the sun after the icy water.

Just then, Rosalie's phone rang.

…

BPOV

I was startled from my nap by the sound of Rose's cell. I sat up quickly, feeling disoriented, and watched the alarming scene unfolding around me.

Rose had answered her phone and was chatting loudly. From the sound of it, Alice had called for a wedding update. From my vantage point, I could see Edward standing a few yards away from us, trembling violently, whether from fear or anger I couldn't discern. His stance was alarming; aside from the shaking, he seemed unnaturally rigid, his muscles tight and coiled, as if to strike. But, more than anything, it was his eyes that frightened me.

They were black with rage.

By the time I had registered this, Emmett had already sprung into action. He yelled at Rose to get off the phone, dexterously leaping rock to rock until he reached Edward. Rose looked at me confusedly, but I could only give her a wide-eyed stare.

Edward was glaring at the phone in Rose's hand; she had hung up with Alice but was still holding it. Emmett grabbed his brother by both shoulders, speaking to him lowly; I couldn't hear over the din of the waterfall. Edward didn't seem to responding to him, his eyes still flashing darkly. He started struggling, fighting out of Emmett's grasp. For the first time since I'd met him, he looked like he could kill.

Edward's movements became increasingly desperate. It was clear Emmett wouldn't be able to hold his brother for much longer. Rose's look of confusion became one of terror, and she dropped the phone.

I had to get over to Edward. He was clearly having some sort of panic attack and he needed help. I could help him. I knew he wouldn't hurt me.

Emmett must've felt my presence, turning his head and speaking to me between teeth gritted from strain. "Bella…stay back." I didn't listen, my eyes focused only on Edward. "Get BACK." Emmett yelled at me. I ignored him, cautiously approaching.

"Edward." I said softly. "Edward…It's me…Bella." I touched his arm, startled at the violent way he was trembling.

Edward was still staring over Emmett's shoulder, but much of the fire had left his eyes—they were now glazed.

"Edward…ssssssssshhhhhhhhh…it's okay." I was stroking his arm, still held fast in Emmett's grip. I worried that Emmett was hurting him.

"Emmett. He's okay. Let him go." Emmett looked unconvinced.

"Please, Em. I think you're making it worse."

"He's out of control, Bella. I won't have him attack Rosalie."

"He won't, Emmett. Please. Let me try." I was pleading now, close to tears.

Emmett began to relax his hold, and I continued stroking Edward's arm and whispering to him. Finally, Emmett let go, waiting closely to see what would happen. Nothing did. Edward had given up the struggle. His eyes were still unfocused.

I came between them, not knowing or caring if Emmett stayed or left; all I was focused on was the man in front of me. Taking Edward by the shoulders, I willed him back to us.

"Edward…. Edward….It's Bella…I'm right here. Right here; it's okay." I tried to whisper comforting words, but I didn't know what to say. Gradually, Edward met my gaze, his eyes clearing.

"Bella?" He croaked. "Bella?" His voice was haunted.

"Yes. It's Bella. Edward? Are you okay?"

He shook his head, backing away.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, again and again. "I'm sorry." I reached out to him, but he evaded me.

Soon he turned and, without looking back, walked away. He had left behind his shoes and clothes, disappearing into the forest.

Only then did I realize that Emmett was still standing next to me.

I looked at him tearfully, beseeching him.

"He was doing so well these last couple of days. I was afraid something like this would happen."

"What _did_ happen, Em? I don't understand." It was Rosalie. I hadn't heard her approach.

"It was your cell phone." Emmett sighed, "He won't talk about it, but Jasper says it has to do with Iraq. It seems insurgents commonly used cell phones to set off IEDs and other bombs. I think he has flashbacks."

"He won't talk to you." I stated.

"No. No one."

"Someone has to help him."

"I don't know that he can be helped." Emmett sounded hopeless. It made me angry.

"Yes. He can."

"I hope you're right, Bella. I hope you're right."

**A/N: Will be Internet-free for a few days; expect the next chapter next week, maybe Thursday. **


	10. Sphinx

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight; I own Yogiward**

**AN: Thanks to my LGR ladies: nadia215, as always, for being a fabulous beta, and Lolypop82arg for creating an awesome banner for TCS. Check it out on my profile page! ) You slores are amazing. **

Chapter 10: Sphinx

EPOV

Bella looked at me attempting to hide her panic, but I could read it in her eyes. I looked down and saw my hands clenched so tightly my nails were drawing blood from my palms. Emmett stood behind Bella, watching me carefully.

How had I gotten here? What had happened? It returned to me in a flash. Rose's phone ringing…and suddenly I was no longer at the swimming hole with Bella. All I could see was the blinding light of the sun. Smell the acrid smoke of rubber burning. Hear a loud explosion, then silence more deafening than any noise.

I knew that I had to get to that phone, to destroy it before…

Now I was on a rock a few yards from Rosalie. Bella and Emmett were trying to calm me down; well, really, it was Bella. She rubbed my arm soothingly; she was whispering something to me. I couldn't hear what she was saying.

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry…" was all I could manage as I backed away from her. Her eyes were desperate and her arm reached for me as I slipped from her grasp. And then I turned and fled, not even bothering to retrieve my clothing or my shoes. When I was a safe distance from them, I broke out into a run, not heeding or caring where I was going.

The fear completely overwhelmed me as I ran-not just fear of the phone or the threat it represented to me-the threat of total annihilation and destruction. We had been taught in basic training how insurgents used cell phones to remotely detonate explosives, but it wasn't until I was actually in the field did that theoretical knowledge become a devastating reality.

No, it wasn't that fear. It was the fear that came with the realization that I was rapidly losing my mind. I hadn't had such a vivid flashback during my waking hours for years. Yes, I had had panic attacks recently, but never had I come so close to hurting someone else. If Emmett and Bella hadn't been present…

What was I capable of?

And how could I be around Bella when I was so violent and unpredictable? I had told her that friendship was all I could permit between us, and now even that didn't seem possible. All it would take was a simple phone ring…and I could snap…

How would I live with myself if I ever did something to harm Bella? Or anyone else for that matter?

These were the thoughts that consumed me as I ran—to where? I didn't even know where I was going, ignoring the way the thick underbrush tore at the soles of my feet.

Suddenly, the overhead trees began thinning, the trees themselves getting smaller, and then disappearing completely, the ground under my feet now soft and grassy. I had come upon a meadow unfamiliar to me, which surprised me because I knew the forests around the Center so well. Even in my state of all-consuming panic, I registered that the place was beautiful.

The grass was about knee high, but the meadow itself was not large. It was filled with the mid-July wildflowers I loved most. As a child I had collected Indian paintbrushes for Esme, who had always laughed and kissed me, hugging me to her though I squirmed to get away, feeling sheepish. She would praise the flowers as though they were the finest of all roses, proudly displaying them in a crystal vase on the dining room table—grand accommodations for such humble blooms. Though this secretly pleased me, I was often humiliated when she pointed out what I had done to visiting school friends or their mothers. After one session of particularly harsh ribbing inspired by this exposure, I had ceased bringing her flowers. I suspected she was hurt, but she never let on—a clandestine understanding between us.

Completely exhausted and out of breath, I allowed myself to sink down into the grass. I lay prone, yet sheltered, as the grass reached far above my body. The only sounds came from the occasional insect or birdcall and the slight waving of the grass over my head.

My imagination conjured Bella laying beside me, close, but not touching my body, her hair fanned out around her head. Her presence there, though unreal, brought me peace.

I must have lain in the field for hours, because once I finally made my way back to the Center, it was nearly dark.

I slipped in, bypassing the dining area where I heard the tell tale sounds of dinner being served. I heard Jasper speaking with Emmett—the staff was back and preparing for the retreat, which I suddenly remembered began tomorrow.

In no mood to face them, I retreated to my room despite my hunger. How could I face Bella in the state I was in? I didn't want to face her pity. Or would she look at me in fear? That would be worse…or perhaps better. Fear would make her wary. Fear would keep her safe from me.

…

_General Caius is not a tall man but his presence is intimidating. He is heavily decorated with service medals; they are conspicuously arrayed on his squat, broad chest. Jasper whispers to me but I don't hear what he is saying. We are alone at a table in the mess hall. No one else wants to sit with us._

_All of a sudden, Caius's eyes lock on me, taking in my ragged appearance. Since Jacob's death, I have received several disciplinary injunctions for not meeting standard dress codes. Though these measures are often harsh, I feel nothing, no desire to change._

_I am a walking shell of a man._

_What is Jasper saying? Why is Caius here? My mind is foggy, made more so by the steady stream of illicit alcohol I've been supplying to my bloodstream._

_Project VOLTOR…no one knows…there are rumors…_

_Jasper looks worried, he is still speaking to me; his words echo in my head._

_His eyes still trained on me, Caius approaches, his mouth curling into a deadly smile._

…

The alarm jolted me awake halfway through my dream, leaving me jittery and my heart racing. I was silently thankful I had chosen to set the alarm. I knew the nightmares would return. My previous night of dreamless sleep had been a miracle that I had a difficult time imagining would ever happen again.

I lay in bed, still groggy from my abrupt departure from sleep. It was 2:00 a.m. This was now my routine. I'd stay up for another hour, then set the alarm again for 5:00 or so and try to get another couple hours of rest. Usually, the alarm would wake me before my mind had a chance to unleash its more menacing visions. This interruption of my R.E.M. sleep was having a major impact on my day-to-day functioning, but there was no way I could think of to remedy the situation.

I would have to live like this until I finally broke. The way things were going, it would be soon.

…

BPOV

The three of us drove back to the Center in silence. I had retrieved Edward's clothes from the rocks where he left them, folding them neatly and stowing them in my bag.

I was horrified by what had just happened. Nothing I said reached Edward; his eyes had looked hollow as he backed away from me. He moved slowly, deliberately, with an air of defeated resignation, and that frightened me.

Once we returned, I was distracted for the rest of the afternoon and evening watching for signs of Edward. When Jasper arrived along with the until-now enigmatic Laurent, my heart beat furiously, thinking for sure Edward would be with them. But I didn't see him return, and soon it was time for bed.

Rose came to my room before retiring with Emmett. She wanted to apologize for the cell phone fiasco.

"Rose, don't apologize to _me_…" I said helplessly. I hated for her to feel guilty, but I was secretly annoyed with her for not obeying the no-cell-phone policy. In her defense, of course, the reasoning behind the policy had never been aptly explained…but still, the hurt it had caused Edward was unbearable.

My friend looked at me sadly, her eyes tearing a little. "I just feel so bad, you know? Emmett's really torn up about it…he's not mad at me, of course, but he just doesn't know what to do. He's considering calling their father, even though Edward's forbidden him to."

Though there were some clues, I truly didn't understand why Edward and his father were on such bad terms. From what Emmett had told me, he had been disappointed about Edward enlisting in the first place; I surmised there had been tension between them after he had returned as well. Edward was proud, and I knew he didn't like to talk about his experiences in Iraq or the PTSD. Perhaps the fact that Carlisle was a psychologist, and a well-respected one at that, made him uncomfortable. He did need help, though, of that I was certain.

"Rose," I soothed her, rubbing her shoulder, "please don't be upset. There's no way you could have known. Emmett should have told you." She nodded, gladly accepting my words.

"Okay. But if you see Edward…tell him I'm sorry."

"I will. Though I doubt I'll see him…" I couldn't meet her eyes.

"Bella. You've got to level with me. I know you promised me when we came up here that you didn't have any feelings for him. You were lying, weren't you?"

Damn she was good. It seemed useless deny it after everything that had happened, but I didn't feel like giving her all of the juicy bits just now. Not that there were any. I simply nodded.

"Beeeeeeelllla. I knew it. I just knew it." She raised her brow at me. "Did something happen with you two after Emmett and I went to bed last night?"

Now I blushed, more from embarrassment at my remembered forwardness than from anything that had actually transpired. But that was enough for Rose; my face was, I'd been told, a dead give-away. It was almost funny. After all that had happened today, I'd completely forgotten about my cut hand.

"Nothing happened" I replied honestly… "It almost did. But nothing happened. I mean, I almost kissed him…but he stopped it. He doesn't want anything more than friendship from me, and I've agreed to be his friend, and that's that."

She looked at me squarely. "Hmmph."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, bewildered.

"Well, don't take this the wrong way, Bella. I don't want you getting involved with Edward—you know that. He's way too fucked in the head…"

"Rose!"

"Oh, come on, he is. And he wouldn't be good for you. But he definitely thinks of you as more than a friend. Anyone with eyes can see that."

I looked at her skeptically, trying to subdue the swell of hope that threatened to burst from my chest. I was immediately sobered by the memory that, yes, Edward had confessed to wanting to kiss me…but that didn't change anything. He still wasn't going to. Still, the possibility of hearing Rose's take on the situation was too tempting.

"I don't know what you're talking about…" I fished.

"Bella. When you fainted on the mountain he just about bit Emmett's head off for trying to carry you back. And the way he was tending to your cut hand…it was just as clear as day how he felt about you." I must have still looked unsure. "And today, Emmett was shocked that Edward wanted to come with us swimming. He told me just now that he asked Edward if it had something do with you, and of course he denied it, but that didn't convince Emmett…and it didn't stop Emmett from warning Edward away from you."

"He WHAT?" Now I was angry. Edward didn't need anyone else warning him away from me; he was doing a good enough job of that himself.

"Oh, don't be like that, Bella. Emmett cares about you, just like I do. He doesn't want to see you get hurt. And that's exactly what will happen if you're interested in Edward."

I knew that what Rose was saying was for my own benefit and was done out of love, but it still pissed me the fuck off.

"Rose. I don't know what you think you know about Edward, but he's not a bad person. He'd never intentionally hurt me…"

"What about unintentionally?"

"Rose, look, I appreciate your concern, but I'm a grown woman. Edward's my friend. And It'd be great it if both you and Emmett could butt out of the situation, because it's really none of your business."

I sounded like a major bitch, accentuating it with my most pronounced bitch-face. Rose looked at me in horror.

"You're in love with him."

"What? No. No. No I'm not."

"Oh shit. Oh shit. Bella, this is NOT good."

"Rose will you just calm down? No one's in love with anyone…except for you and Emmett of course. Edward's _celibate_, remember? Nothing could ever happen between us."

"As long as you know that and accept it. Bella, tell me you don't have any false hopes about where this might go?"

"I don't have any false hopes about where this might go."

"You're a really shitty ass liar, Bella."

Rose looked more chagrined than ever as she left my room.

I couldn't be in love with Edward. Could I?

…

The next day was the first day of the retreat, and the rest of the guests would be arriving and getting settled. Apparently, this year there'd be ten others in addition to Rose and myself including, I had been chagrined to learn, Irina.

In the morning I awoke to the commotion of the first arrivals in the hall outside of my room and thought instantly of Edward. Had he returned the night before? Though I knew he was perfectly capable of taking care of himself in the outdoors, I was worried about him. He hadn't been thinking clearly when he had left us; I had his shirt and shoes to prove it. My first impulse was to go in search of him, but I felt a bit of trepidation. Would that be something he'd want me to do? What would I say to him once I found him?

Wandering downstairs after I was dressed, I ran into Jasper. He greeted me warmly, asking me if I had a good night's sleep. I told him yes, tempted to ask him if he'd seen Edward arrive, but deciding against it. When we had filled Jasper in about what happened with Edward during dinner the night before, he had been concerned but not panicked. This morning, he didn't acknowledge Edward one way or another; I had a feeling this meant that he had, after all, returned to the Center.

Jasper let me know that I would have most of the day to myself. The first activities of the retreat would take place later that evening, once everyone was settled in. Maybe that would give me some time to find Edward and speak with him.

Rose and Emmett weren't in the dining room, and I assumed they were spending some more alone time together. Laurent, a tall, athletic looking man with impressively sized dread locks, was setting up a casual breakfast buffet in the dining room. He gave me a wink and a smirk, making me feel just a little uncomfortable in my form-fitting yoga clothes. I selected a muffin and decided to eat it outside in order to avoid his attention.

Though I swore not to actively seek Edward out, I secretly hoped maybe I'd run into him.

I was disappointed.

I spent most of my day lounging and reading under a strategically located tree on the side of the Center, just within sight of the front door. Edward neither entered nor exited.

Finally, at around 4:00, Irina arrived with a massive trunk-load of luggage, and from my position I witnessed Jasper and Edward come to assist her. She gave Edward a huge hug, laughing and flinging her bleached blonde head back. My blood boiled as her high-pitched squeals reached my ears. To make matters worse, he seemed to be smiling back at her, and he certainly hugged her back. I couldn't look away, feeling nauseous and hoping I'd remain unseen. I'd been sitting here all day like a fool worrying about his safety, and now it seemed like I was the one who needed help.

Just then, Edward caught my eye from over Irina's head; she was still doing her best to wrap herself around him. The smile fell from his face. I blushed furiously and looked away, trying to disguise my reaction busying myself with gathering up my things. When I looked up again, they were gone.

I didn't see Edward again for the rest of the evening. Having lost my appetite, I picked at my food during dinner as I sat watching Emmett, Rose and Jasper chat. The scene I had witnessed had shaken me. Seeing Edward embrace Irina, smile with her, laugh with her, was more than I could bear. Rose noticed my ambivalence but she left it alone, not pushing me to join in the conversation. I didn't like feeling broody and mopey, but I couldn't help it, especially with Irina sitting across the room. She had a pronounced southern accent and seemed to fancy herself a debutante; though she simpered and flirted with the men, she gave none of them the same over-the-top attention she had given Edward.

God, I was acting like a jealous girlfriend.

After dinner, I went through the motions during the introductory workshop in the intermediate yoga studio. It occurred to me that I was no longer a beginning yogi, and this did somewhat assuage my sour mood. I only half-heartedly listened as Jasper welcomed us, describing the history of the retreat and our plans for the next few weeks. We would spend a good amount of time practicing yoga in sessions that would be led by Jasper and Edward, but eventually the students would have the chance to select postures and direct our own classes. In addition, we spend time doing meditation and learning chants, as well as reading yoga philosophy. Eventually, Jasper hoped that we'd come to see each other as family.

I almost snorted, glancing over at Irina, who sat serenely on her hot pink yoga mat. She was more like an evil stepmother.

After introducing ourselves and performing some mild postures, Jasper excused us for the night.

I returned to my room in no mood for sleep. I was still too confused about what had occurred and what my reaction to it meant. Moreover, I wondered why Edward hadn't attended the evening's retreat introduction; even Emmett had been present. Soon, the entire Center was quiet, peaceful…lonely. I tossed and turned in my bed for what seemed like hours.

Turning on the light and glancing at my watch, I realized it was 1:00 in the morning. It had been hours. Sighing, I decided to go down to the kitchen to find myself of a snack; my lack of appetite at dinner was returning to haunt me.

Slipping on my flip-flops, I padded down the hall in the shorts and tank top I had worn to bed.

It was quite dark outside my room, and before my eyes adjusted I found my way with my hand on the wall, tiptoeing quietly so as not to alert anyone of my late night sojourn.

As I walked down the stairs, I paused on the second floor landing; there was faint music coming from somewhere on the second floor. It was methodic, hypnotizing, an electronic hum under a repetitive bass refrain. I cocked my head to the left; a faint glimmer of flickering light was visible from a crack in the door of studio A. Perhaps someone was practicing? With an undeniable certainty, I knew who it was.

Abandoning my quest for food, I made my way down the hall, my heart pounding in my chest. What if it wasn't Edward?

What if it was?

How could I explain my presence there?

Even with these uncertainties, I found myself unable to turn around.

My breath hitched as I stood outside the partially opened door, not daring to push it open further. The music was louder still, an entrancing slow house beat.

My eyes searched the room, immediately locking on Edward's form. He was moving slowly and gracefully through a complicated series of inverted poses. His back was to me, facing the mirror in front of him as he moved into forearm stand, his strong arms forming a "V" and supporting his body and head as it lifted in a straight line. Forearm stand was something I had just begun working on; it required both stamina and incredible upper body strength, but Edward performed it with and ease.

In the dim candlelight I could see he was bare-chested and wearing loose fitting white pants, slung low on his hips. I was overwhelmed with contradictory flushes of shame and lust watching him…I felt like an intruder in this obviously private moment.

My hand, resting lightly on the door, moved it an inch. Edward's eyes shot to the mirror, spying me. He slowly lowered himself down. I took a step backward, embarrassed at being caught.

"Bella." he said lowly, "come in."

"I'm sorry…Edward…I heard music…" I stuttered, trying to collect myself.

He moved towards the door, his face unreadable. Was he angry I had caught him here?

"Can't sleep?" he asked.

"Not really. I was a little hungry since I didn't eat dinner. I thought I'd get a snack." Why did I let that slip?

He looked concerned. "Why didn't you eat?"

My mind went blank, searching for some sort of excuse…all I could think about was Irina's simper. "I just wasn't hungry." I stood awkwardly, waiting for him to say something else.

"How's your hand?"

"Oh," I raised it, showing a neatly wrapped fresh bandage, "it's A-OK. Em fixed it up after….well…it's fine. Hardly even a scratch now."

He glanced down as if inspecting Emmett's doctoring skills. "Good. That's good." He paused, as if unsure. "Do…you want to come in?"

I nodded.

Edward opened the door wider, inviting me into the studio. I hesitated, but eventually entered. He unfurled a spare yoga mat, placing it a couple of feet away from his, gesturing for me to sit. Did he want to have a midnight yoga session? Alone? The thought sent my heart racing.

We sat down facing each other, cross-legged, not saying anything. The tension was becoming unbearable. Finally we spoke at the same time.

"About yesterday…."

"I'm sorry…" He chuckled, allowing me to go first.

I swallowed nervously, not sure where I had been going in the first place.

"Yeah…well, you scared me yesterday…"

"I'm sorry." He looked sickened. "Bella. I didn't mean to frighten you, or Rose, or Emmett. Bella. What happened yesterday should never have happened…"

"That's not what I meant, Edward. I was afraid FOR you…not of you."

"You should have been."

"Well if Rose had just listened…."

"No, Bella. I shouldn't have been there with you in the first place. Bella…" his face was desperate, eyes searching mine. "Bella, I can't trust myself around…other people. I know we agreed to be friends, but I don't know if that is possible. I can't risk…hurting you." He trailed off.

He was sitting so close; I impetuously grabbed his hand, holding it as I had the other night when he seemed to need my touch.

"Edward. I want to be your friend. I'm not scared of you." He was looking down. "Listen…I know you're having problems…but maybe I could help…I'm a good listener, lots of practice with Alice." I joked, trying to lighten the mood. He smiled at me sadly.

"Thank you, Bella. But you don't know what you'd be in for…trust me. I don't want to burden you with my troubles."

"Edward. I'm telling you that I want to listen. If you don't want to be my friend, that's a different story…but _I_ want to be yours. So stop trying to scare me off. I'm pretty stubborn, if you hadn't noticed."

"I had, actually."

"Well alright then." My negative thoughts from the afternoon were forgotten. "So, now that that's out of the way, and we're friends and all...what are we doing here?"

"Until I was…interrupted" his grin betrayed his faux complaint, "I was doing some yoga; it helps me at night, when I can't sleep…"

"You're really good." I blurted. God, I was dumb.

"Hmmm…well…I am an instructor. It's kinda my job." He was teasing me. I liked his playful side.

"Maybe you could show me?" I asked, hopefully. "I've been trying the whole forearm stand thing, and I can do it at the wall, but I want to be able to hold it without a support."

"Do you think that's a good idea, with your hand and all?"

I shrugged, brushing it off. "Oh yeah, and anyway, most of the pressure isn't in the hands in that pose, right?"

"Yes, that's right." He seemed to consider it, finally assenting. "But you have to let me know if you're in pain at all, and you'll come right down."

"Yes, sure," I said, eager for my private yoga lesson with my friend Edward.

Even though I had performed the pose myself, Edward wanted to make sure I understood the basics of the form. He requested I watch him before going into the asana myself; he would show me the correct way to enter and exit the position.

"God knows what kind of teacher you've had…" he joked.

I made a face, letting him know that my teacher had been very well qualified, despite being a New York City resident.

Standing at the top of his mat, Edward entered downward dog; it was amazing how flexible he was. His back arched into a perfectly straight line, arms aligned with his head and neck; the fact that he wasn't wearing a shirt made his perfect form completely visible. I tried not to ogle him, glad that his head was facing the ground.

Next, he calmly described how he would bend his arms at the elbows, placing his forearms shoulder width apart on the floor while his feet on the ground. From this position he was able to look up at my face, and he grinned, asking if I was paying attention. I nodded, blushing with the sudden realization that I wasn't wearing a bra. My nipples were at full attention, as it was cold in the room…they also seemed to respond to Edward quite violently...my friend…my _friend_….

Finally, He lowered his gaze to the floor directly in between his arms, and gracefully kicked up until his torso was vertical—a replay of the motions I had seen him perform earlier. I could see his back muscles tense with the effort, his tight stomach moving perceptibly with his slow even breath.

He must have been upside down for minutes; I was surely gawking for minutes. Finally, he released from the position, one foot following the other back to downward dog.

"Now, your turn," he said, standing and urging me to take my place. I did as he asked, moving into the downward dog position on the spare mat he had provided me with.

"It's my custom to assist, Bella. But I want you to do this on your own. I'll be right here if you need me. I won't let you fall."

I nodded my head; a bit disappointed that Edward wouldn't be touching me tonight.

Attempting to concentrate despite this clearly irrational desire, I followed the steps he had illustrated, lowering my arms from downward dog onto the mat and glancing up at Edward, who stood a couple feet in front of me.

"Don't look up," he scolded. "You'll wrench your neck."

"You did."

"I'm the boss."

"Hmph."

"Now, Bella, look down to the floor in between your arms and kick up. Try to do it gently; you don't want to go over backwards. I'll be here to catch you if you need it…but you won't. Just stay focused. Don't use too much momentum."

"Easier said than done."

"You can do it."

In that moment, I wanted to prove that I could. Not to him, but to me. I imitated Edward's motions, kicking my right leg up gently and allowing my left one to follow behind. Without the wall to support me as I was used to, once I was vertical I felt my back bending in a way that was a little uncomfortable. Edward, perceptive as he was, noticed this and urged me to straighten up, lightly pressing on my core muscles and telling me to contract them strongly

His light teasing touch on my stomach sent an involuntary shudder through my body. I thought I would fall, but Edward steadied me, using his other hand to bring my legs back to an upright position.

"Thanks," I gasped.

"Breathe…Bella…breathe." He murmured, barely audible over the thrum of the music. Now, his hands were lightly ghosting over my frame, correcting the small inaccuracies in my posture. I felt his hand slide up my back until it was poised just under my sacrum, kneading into the pressure that was building there. I gave a sharp pant, aware that my shirt was beginning to slide up, exposing my front. Edward seemed to notice this too, tucking the hem my shirt into my shorts in a sweet gesture to make me more comfortable.

"I think I need to come down now." I said. By now, he had removed his hands. I was holding the position on my own.

"Okay, come down slowly."

I did, allowing one leg to drop after the other, then resting in child's pose on the mat, as I had been taught to do after all inversions.

When I sat up again, Edward was looking pleased. "You did well, Bella."

"Thanks." I felt good. A little sore where I had wrenched my back, but good. I rubbed it.

"Something wrong?" He asked.

"Just a little crick in the ol' back. Nothing a little soak in the hot tub won't fix."

His hand darted immediately to the place where I was rubbing, feeling the knot building there. "Hmm.. Well, maybe we should do a bit of stretching now to take care of it. There's one partner stretch that's particularly good for the back."

Edward led me though a series of stretches that were effective because they enlisted and depended on the other person's weight. We sat facing each other with our legs and feet spread wide, grasping on to each other's wrists and leaning forward until we were almost flat on the floor, heads facing down; with Edward pulling back on my arms, and me pulling on his, our spines were realigned. It felt amazing; I had never done partner stretches before, and it seemed to work much more efficiently than solo stretching. I sighed in pleasure as his strong hands grip my arms. I felt him stiffen almost imperceptibly.

The tops of our heads were nearly, but not quite touching. I was supposed to be looking down, but I was sorely tempted to look at Edward. I knew he would warn me against wrenching my neck, but I had to just sneak a peak. I looked up, shocked to see that Edward was looking at me…

Not at my face, though. My loose fitting tank top was gaping at the top now and from his vantage point; my breasts were entirely, perkily, visible.

His eyes were dark. They darted to mine. His eyes were hungry.

All of a sudden, his mouth was on mine.

The shock and unexpectedness of it was immediately surpassed by the surging heat that burst my veins into flame; his kiss was urgent, demanding, almost fierce in its need. I responded to him with equal intensity, allowing his tongue to enter my mouth and lick and suck mine into his. Our teeth clashed roughly together; his hand fisted into the hair that had fallen loosely at the nape of my neck, pulling me closer and closer. But not close enough.

We were in a ridiculously awkward position, still sitting in straddle. With a groan Edward shifted his body, and we fell together onto my mat. His body pressed against mine, forcing it into the mat below. I immediately felt the thrusting hardness of his erection press into my thigh; its firmness thrilled me, and I longed to reach out and stroke him, to take him into my hand.

His lips left my own and I was immediately sorry for the lack; but soon they were traveling down my face and my chin as he nipped and sucked his way to my neck, pausing there and lavishing my clavicle with a swirl of his tongue.

Soon, I was panting, the wetness pooling between my thighs; the burning was almost intolerable. I would do anything to stop the ache. The only thing that would stop it would to be filled with Edward. I groaned wanting his lips again, tugging at his hair to return his face to mine. He responded with a mutter; he was saying something, I couldn't understand his words, but they were low, growling, they drove me further over the edge until I thought I might climax from his kisses alone. His lips crashed into mine, this kiss no more tender than the first. We battled urgently, turning our heads desperately for access to the other's mouth. It was rough, but I liked it. I wanted him to be rougher still, to take me any way he wanted…I whimpered, almost like a hurt animal.

"God, Edward…I want you…Please…." The words choked in my throat….

He sat up suddenly with something akin to a snarl; his eyes looked almost mad…

"No….God…Bella….I….can't."

The passionate intensity that had filled the room only moments before evaporated. I stood and fled the room before he could say another word.

**A/N: Your reviews and comments mean the world to me—honestly! So, please review if you like what you've read (or even if not!). I'll be posting teasers on Twitter regularly. You can follow me Magnolia822 **

**Thanks so much for reading TCS!**


	11. Crow

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight; I own Yogiward.**

**A/N: Thanks, as always, to nadia215 for being an awesome beta!**

Chapter 11: Crow

EPOV

Bella's shirt, which I had tried to secure earlier during her forearm stand to prevent this very occurrence, was gaping widely, exposing her smooth firm breasts. I knew I should look away, but I couldn't. I heard her sharp intake of breath and I darted my eyes to hers, awareness of my traveling gaze dawning on her face. The memory of seeing Bella in the shower overcame me, the months of denying my need forgotten. In my desperation for her, I lost all conscious thought except for one—take, possess, _now_.

My mouth was on hers with an urgency I had never felt before, my desire coursing heavy and thick, causing my cock to harden instantly. I pulled Bella towards me, my lips fiercely seeking hers. Not close enough. The mat…hers…I would take her there. I felt myself pressing into her, the friction sending jolts through my body. Her mouth was so sweet as I tasted her again and again.

I realized I was murmuring, pleading with her for this to be all right…I was long gone, aware only of Bella's warm body, her mouth, her tongue, as she ground up into me.

She whimpered, a hurt sound that brought me back to myself…_I was hurting her…being careless_… What was I doing? I _couldn't_ do this...my mind battled for control over my lust-fueled body. Bella said something to me that I couldn't quite comprehend in my foggy state…I was hurting her…_I would hurt her_.

I reeled back, alarmed…"No….God…Bella….I….can't."

She looked at me, shock and disbelief plain on her face. She took my words as a rejection._ They were a rejection._ I could do nothing but stare impotently as she left without another word.

How had I let things get so out of control? I wanted to go to her, but what would I say? We couldn't continue like this. _Tell her the truth._ I scoffed at the thought. What would that change? The truth would make her hate me…she probably already did.

…

The next day found me sleep-deprived and testy, more so than even was usual for me.

I came downstairs rather late, hoping that all of the guests would be busily attending breakfast. I knew that I had to speak with Bella, but I was dreading the conversation, sure of the depressing outcome.

As I passed by the dining room, though, I couldn't help but look in to see if she was there.

What I saw made me livid.

She was sitting at a table with Rose, Emmett, and another male guest...Garrett. A close friend of Jasper's, Garrett had been attending the Center's retreat regularly since its inception. While not a yoga instructor, he was certified to teach and was actually quite good. He and his wife Kate had made the trek together from Australia every summer, but he had come alone this year due to their recent divorce. He was an okay guy, a bit of a womanizer; that was the reason behind his separation from Kate, I'd heard. And now he was sitting next to Bella. My Bella.

Bella was smiling at him. No, she was _grinning._ He looked pretty pleased to be next to her too…too pleased. And Rose and Emmett were just sitting and chatting like there was nothing at all strange about the situation. Like Garrett and Bella always took breakfast with them. Like they were one big happy chummy family. Suddenly, laughter erupted from the table. Garrett was apparently a profoundly funny guy. Bella tossed her long hair back, clutching her stomach and gasping for breath. What the hell could he possibly have said that was _that_ hilarious?

I stood angrily in the doorway, forgetting that I wanted to remain unseen. Bella glanced my way, but quickly averted her gaze, returning her attention to Garrett.

_Fuck_. I was fucked.

Jasper and I had a meeting to discuss the week's activities in the downstairs office. He was annoyed at my lateness, and because I hadn't shown up at the introductory meeting, which was something that I usually led. I wasn't in the mood to be conciliatory, though, which wasn't helping the tension between us.

"I don't think that's a great idea, Jasper," I said, shooting down his idea to run the evening's session as a partner class. It reminded me too much of the fiasco the night before, which I had been trying furiously, but uselessly, to forget.

"Why?" He demanded. "What's wrong with a partner class? We have twelve students, and it's a great way for them to get to know one another, to trust one another. That's the point of the retreat, isn't it?" He wanted to alternate partners with each pose, so that each person would have a chance to work with everyone in the class. The thought of Bella partnering with Irina made me shudder…the thought of her partnering with….fuck.

The problem was, I had no valid argument against him. He persisted. I shrugged my shoulders in defeat.

"Fine. We'll do a partner class." I knew I was acting like an asshole. I just couldn't see any way to explain my reticence without coming clean. And that's the last thing that needed to happen.

"Edward. We always do a partner class on the first day. What's so different this year?"

"Nothing."

"Bullshit."

I gave him a look that I hoped said "don't fuck with me." He didn't seem to get the message.

"What the hell is going on with you today?"

"Nothing."

"I don't believe that for one second, my friend. You mean to tell me that everything's fine? You fly off the handle, disappear into the woods for a whole day, barely say a word to anyone, and today you look like someone just pissed in your favorite shoes. What gives?"

He wasn't giving up easily. I decided to tell him something that would really piss him off.

"I kissed Bella."

"Wait…what?" He looked confused. "I thought I just heard you say that you kissed Bella."

"That's what I said."

"WHAT? What the FUCK, Edward?" His shock was almost comical. "When did this happen?"

"Last night."

He seemed lost for words. "So, what does that mean? Man, I hope you're not fucking with Bella's head. She's a nice girl."

"I know she's a nice girl. Jasper. So nothing is going to happen. That's that. I kissed her. And that's it. It was a mistake."

"So you're not backing down on the whole no-sex thing?"

"No."

"But you like her."

I raised my eyebrow. _Like_ wasn't exactly the word I'd have used to describe how I felt about Bella.

"God Edward. This is really fucked up."

"Yes, I know."

He paused a beat.

"After all this time, after all we've been through, I figured you'd tell me."

"Tell you what?" I challenged him.

"What happened with Caius. With Project VOLTOR."

"I can't do that."

"Fine." He glared at me. "I'll see you later. If you're planning on coming to class..." Since there was no beginner's class, we often co-taught during the retreat with Jasper leading and me performing assists.

"I'll be there."

Jasper left and I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose. _Happy now_? I had finally succeeded in alienating everyone closest to me.

…

BPOV

I was exhausted during breakfast, having been up all night replaying the scene in the yoga studio in my head. I couldn't make sense of it. Edward had kissed me. He had stopped kissing me. Hell, he had _kissed_ me. But I couldn't forget the look on his face when he pulled away; he had been horrified, disgusted. It was humiliating beyond belief.

When I had fled the room I had been close to tears, but now I was pissed off. And sexually frustrated to boot.

Rose, Emmett and I sat at a table near the door. I knew Edward wouldn't show for breakfast, and I was glad. I didn't want to see him in the state I was in, to hear his inevitable apology…to be faced with the potent desire that would never be fulfilled. I now realized my foolishness. There was no way I could be friends with Edward. I would always want more, and I wouldn't be satisfied with what he could give. His rejection simply hurt too much.

About halfway through the meal, which I force-fed myself despite not being very hungry, a guest I recognized from the introductory class as Garrett asked if he could sit with us. He knew Emmett, apparently, from other visits to the Center. I wasn't in a very social mood, but didn't want to be rude. He sat down next to me, joining in our conversation with ease.

He was quite tall, I noticed, and had a rugged appearance, dark curly hair with just a hint of premature grey at the temples, though he didn't look more than thirty. His jaw was well defined, and covered with a scruff that matched his hair. A good-looking man, I concluded, charmed by his Australian accent.

Garrett showed himself to be quite the storyteller; soon, he had us howling with laughter as he relayed the difficulties he had on his way to the states—seven flights, missing luggage, and an airport strip search—but he managed to make it sound hilarious. I felt my mood lift, dulling the ache in my chest.

Suddenly, I felt eyes on me and I glanced up automatically. Edward was in the doorway, a furious look on his face. His eyes were bright green and fierce. My heart instantly leapt in my chest and began hammering erratically; I had to look away. Was he coming in here? Why was he so angry? When I looked up again, he was gone.

"Bella, you alright love?" Garrett asked with concern.

"I'm fine….just a little tired…"

"You look terrible. What are…" Rose said, turning around to follow my gaze to the empty door. God, I was transparent. She turned back. "Hmmm."

"I think I'm going to go lay down for a while," I said, collecting the remains of my breakfast to discard.

"I'll take it. You go rest." Garrett really was sweet. "Maybe, if you're feeling better, we could take a walk later on?"

"Maybe," I hesitated. Rose and Emmett were attempting to appear disinterested in my answer but failing miserably. "Maybe later." Garrett seemed like a nice enough guy, but something just felt off. _He isn't the one you want to walk with…_

"That's good enough for me," he said, smiling widely. I nodded, promising to check in that afternoon if I was up for it.

I left the dining room, still feeling ill. With just one look Edward had completely undone me…how would I get through class if he was teaching it?

Passing the door to the Center's office, I heard voices…it was Edward and Jasper…they were speaking pretty loudly. Against my better judgment, I listened at the open door…

_"So nothing is going to happen. That's that. I kissed her. And that's it. It was a mistake."_

_"So you're not backing down on the whole no-sex thing?"_

_"No."_

_"But you like her."_

Silence.

I backed away from the door numbly, desperately wishing I hadn't heard what I had just heard. _That's what you get for eavesdropping._

_"It was a mistake…"_ Yes. Yes it was. A HUGE one.

Maybe I'd take Garrett up on his offer after all.

…

That afternoon, Garrett and I had our walk. I didn't feel like taking a major hike, as was the usual custom at the Center, so we explored the grounds and gardens, chatting about our lives. Well, Garrett did most of the chatting. I was doing my best to distract myself, and Garrett was good company.

He had recently gotten a divorce from his high school sweetheart, the woman who had introduced him to yoga in the first place. When he asked me about my "relationship status" I was evasive, steering the conversation to less thorny subjects. We didn't have much in common—he was very much into sports- rugby, specifically, and I didn't know the first thing about it. I smiled as he related news of his favorite player, who had recently been involved in a scandal that had shocked all of Australia. When the talk turned to music, I was appalled at his taste—he favored country, which was just about the only music I didn't like. We laughed as we argued about its merits, or lack thereof, eventually agreeing to disagree.

Soon enough, it was time to get ready for the evening yoga class. Garrett and I parted ways in the hallway, planning to meet up to go to class together. I was relieved. It meant that I didn't have to walk into that room to face Edward alone…if he would even be there. Either way, though, I was going. I couldn't let him know how much his rejection had affected me.

I carefully selected my outfit for the evening, opting for a low cut black racer back tank top and form-fitting black yoga shorts that were really meant for hot yoga. Checking myself out in the floor length mirror, I was quite pleased. The shorts hugged my curves, lifting and shaping my newly toned derrière, and the top was sexy without being too revealing. Hmmph. Take _that_! Was I going to try to torture Edward? Maybe.

I met Garrett in the hall, who had run into Rose on the way to pick me up. The three of us walked to the studio together, as I tried my best to maintain my façade of calm. Breathe. It'll be fine. Breathe. _Maybe he won't be here…_

He was definitely here. Jasper and Edward were both in the studio preparing for class. Most of the other guests were already seated on their mats. I noticed Irina immediately; she was sitting at the front of the room batting her eyelashes at Edward. I was pleased that he wasn't paying her the least bit of attention, but then annoyed with myself for being pleased. _It was a mistake._ I couldn't have these thoughts anymore.

I was trying not to look, but I was pretty sure I saw Edward eyeing us as we set up our mats in the back of the room. I made sure to position myself in-between Rose and Garrett, moving slowly and gracefully as possible under the circumstances. I knew my ass was on display for the world to see as I bent over unrolling my mat. Once seated, Garrett leaned over and complimented my outfit, giving me a wink. I blushed. This guy certainly made his intentions known.

Edward cleared his throat rather loudly.

"When we enter the studio, we respect the silence of the space. Please, no talking during class." His voice was hard. Garrett shrugged at me, giving me a quizzical look. I shrugged back. As far as I knew, there had never been a prohibition on speaking before. Jasper looked equally confused, but didn't say anything to contradict Edward.

Jasper began his instruction, informing us that this evening's session would be partner-focused. We would spend time getting to know each other by performing poses together, both stretches and _asanas_. By the time the class was over, we would work with everyone in the room.

Edward was looking at the floor. I couldn't believe it, memories of the night before rushing back to me. Was this some kind of joke? I tried to keep my expression blank.

First, we began basic poses. Rose and I worked together, mirroring each other in downward dog, but with interlocked hands. It felt a little strange at first, but I soon lost my inhibitions. The connection between bodies was somehow comforting, and it was amazing how many variations on traditional yoga poses could be performed with a partner. Edward didn't speak during the class; apparently it was his job to assist while Jasper led. He hadn't touched me yet, a fact that filled me with both sadness and relief. I didn't know how I would react to the warmth of his hands on my body.

Lost in my thoughts I didn't realize it was time to change partners; Edward was looking at me strangely…Oh shit…I was staring at him. His green eyes searched mine, but I turned my head.

When it was time to work with Irina, I was less than eager. She gave me a fake smile as we began working on extended child's pose together. Irina had a peculiar way of making endearments sound like stinging insults. Once I got to know her a little, I was glad that my instant dislike of her was actually warranted.

"That's not exactly how I'd do it, _darlin_," she drawled as I moved into position.

"Well, this's how I do it, _honey_," I replied, in no mood to be patronized. Her form was incorrect anyway. Even I, who had only been practicing for four months, knew that.

Next I performed "cobra hero" with a small waif-like girl named Bree. We were clearly having difficulty setting up. It was a bit awkward, since I was supposed to be sitting resting my shins on her bum, holding her arms and leaning backward in order to extend her chest up off the ground into cobra. I was having a hard time getting in position; it felt quite intimate, really, to be kneeling on this part of her anatomy.

Edward must have noticed; he immediately appeared behind me, lifting me up as if I weighed nothing and settling me down on the appropriate spot. I stiffened at his touch, a flood of emotions overwhelming me. He was firm and gentle, moving his hands to brace my back and stomach and urging me to lean back as I clutched Bree's wrists, encouraging her chest to open and lift. As I reclined my neck craned at an awkward angle, Edward's magic fingers were at my nape, willing me to relax. They rubbed me soothingly, deftly finding purchase on my tense muscles. I couldn't look at him, sure if I did he would see my feelings reflected there. I had to close my eyes tightly against the tears that threatened. _He was only doing his job_. All too soon, his hands were gone…and so was he, without a word.

I had now worked with everyone except for Garrett, and I joined him again, Edward's touch still burning my skin. My fingers moved lightly over the place on my neck where his fingers had been, not wanting to lose this connection between us.

Garrett seemed pleased to be working with me, and I managed a small smile as we set up our mats side by side.

Our final posture, Jasper revealed, would be a bit more advanced. It was called a "flying bow," and I would basically be suspended in the air, braced on Garrett's feet in upside down bow pose. I was a little nervous, but I trusted Garrett—he was excellent at yoga, and clearly very strong.

"Don't worry, Bella," he whispered. "I won't drop you."

I was still reeling from my encounter with Edward. I nodded mutely as we got into position.

Garrett was familiar with this partner pose, probably from practicing with his ex-wife. He lay with his back on the mat and his feet and hands extended into the air. It was my job to lean back and allow his feet to support my lower back and behind as he lifted me; then I would take bow pose, performing the bend and holding my ankles while he braced my shoulders above him. I leaned into his feet, giggling when they tickled the area right above my ass.

That wasn't part of the pose.

"Sorry," he grinned sheepishly. This man had the devil in him.

…

EPOV

It was becoming increasingly difficult to maintain control. From the moment they walked into the studio, I could see that Garrett had eyes for Bella. He leaned over to her, whispering something that made her flush pink. I couldn't hear what he'd said, but I was filled with irrational rage, forcing me to blurt out some nonsense about no talking being allowed in the studio. Jasper looked at me strangely, but said nothing.

Bella looked…stunning. She was wearing all black, a color I had never seen her in before, which highlighted the pale creaminess of her skin. Her hair was swept away from her face in the loose bun I loved so much, a few tendrils loose and ghosting the tops of her shoulders. But it was the shorts she was wearing that nearly made my eyes pop out of my head as she bent over to set up her mat. I imagined my hands running down her sides and cupping it, pulling her closer to me, as I had almost done last night.

These thoughts were erased by the next—had she worn them for Garrett? They seemed quite friendly and at ease with each other. I was stung by the idea. _But you can't be with her. She can see whom she likes._ No. Bella was MINE, screamed the other, increasingly dominant side of my brain.

I felt sick as I watched them interact, relieved when it was time for Bella to work with someone else, but also knowing the moment would come when she would work have to with him.

During class, I kept my eyes on Bella though she would barely look at me. I was performing assists, but not really paying attention to my surroundings. I saw only her...the way she laughed nervously and bit her lip when she had to perform an unfamiliar task, but then undertook it with enthusiasm. I loved her fierce look of concentration and determination once she was in a posture. She seemed to relax as class went on, becoming more assured. I secretly smiled as I overheard her interaction with Irina—she gave as good as she got.

I wanted to assist her, to touch her, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. She wouldn't want me to, not after what had transpired between us. Yet I didn't want her to think I was purposefully avoiding her, either. Finally, the moment came when I saw Bella and Bree needed help setting up for "cobra hero", one of my least favorite poses.

Without giving myself a chance to change my mind, I found myself at Bella's side, lifting her and placing her in position on Bree. She stiffened at my touch, and I was angry with myself for making her uncomfortable. But not angry enough to stop touching her, trying to make her relax and ease into the posture. I massaged her neck, hoping the gesture felt innocent, though the sight of her reclining form was driving me mad. Jasper was glaring at me, though, and I had to move away. It wasn't really customary for instructors to give their students such special attention.

Eventually, the moment I had dreaded came to pass. Bella and Garrett would work together on "flying bow." It wasn't an intimate pose, but it required a high level of trust, especially from the partner who would be suspended in air. Still, the thought of him touching her anywhere…

She was giggling. He was tickling her. On purpose. I saw red. She leaned back and his feet slid down onto her sacrum and ass, he was murmuring something, encouraging her to trust him as he bent his legs and lifted her, finding her shoulders with his hands as she formed the back bend. I didn't like the way he seemed to be kneading her shoulders in his grasp, a small smirk on his face. It was then I realized what the smirk was about, where his gaze rested, though clearly Bella didn't. In a grotesque parody of the night before, a similar scene had begun to play out. From Garrett's position on the floor, with Bella hovering over backwards in the air above him, he had a direct view of her cleavage as her shirt gaped at the neck.

My throat constricted as I noted his increasingly heated stare. How DARE he look at her when she was exposed and vulnerable as she was…I ignored the voice that said I had done the same thing. At that moment, I wanted only one thing. To get her the hell off of him and punch him in the face.

In a flash I was at Bella's side, ignoring Jasper as he reached out for my arm.

"Let. Her. Down." I spoke lowly, but my voice was laced with venom.

Bella gasped and Garrett looked up at me with disbelief.

"We're alright here, mate." He replied, ignoring my order.

"Let her down. NOW." My voice had risen; I was now drawing the attention of the other practitioners, but I didn't care. Bella had begun to squirm, but she didn't look at me.

"Bella, love, you alright?" Garrett asked her; she nodded. "See, mate?" he said, winking "We're fine here. Just getting to know each other a bit." He called her "LOVE?" The asshole had the nerve to WINK at me?

"The hell you are," I said. In one swift move, I scooped Bella up from her position in the air, setting her down gently behind me. She sputtered and looked up at me, anger plainly written on her face.

"Edward…what the fuck?" she asked through clenched teeth. But my attention was on Garrett, still lying on the floor with his limbs extended like some kind of beetle.

"You've got some nerve, Edward," he said, righting himself to stand squarely in front of me. Though he had a bulkier build, I wasn't the least intimidated.

"Keep your hand and your eyes to yourself." I replied grittily. Now we were clearly a spectacle; the others in the room had stopped practicing. Bella was pushing on my shoulder with some force now. I turned to her.

"Edward. What the hell is this about?" She was angry and clearly embarrassed. I began to feel a bit uncomfortable.

I looked at her, searching her eyes. Her eyes were hard. She was _furious_.

"He was…looking at you…" I said, ignoring the rest of the room, which was in rapt silence.

"Oh yeah?" She retorted. "So what?" Garrett snorted.

"I didn't like it," I confessed, my voice barely audible. Her expression softened infinitesimally.

"Well, I don't know that it's any concern of yours, Edward. I can take care of myself." She still wasn't backing down.

"The girl can take care of herself, Edward," I heard echoed behind me. God, Crocodile Dundee was annoying. I didn't acknowledge his remark.

"I know you can, Bella. I…I'm sorry." I felt like a damn fool. Here I was, basically outing myself in front of the entire studio and embarrassing Bella as well. I had to get out of there before I made matters worse.

Unable to stop myself, I swept her hair back from her face; it had come undone again. "Just be careful." Her eyes were wide now, her expression confused. I gave her a sad smile, allowing my fingers to brush against her face softly. Her hand immediately rose to her cheek, a small bloom of color appearing there.

With one more, hard glance at Garrett, I turned and left the room.

…

BPOV

"What the hell was that about?" Garrett was asking me. I was still looking at the door, my hand on my face where Edward had touched me.

_Good question._

_..._

**A/N: Soooooooo. Garrett, eh? Lemme know what you think! I want to thank everyone for reading and for your supportive comments and reviews—they mean the world to me! And thanks for adding TCS to your Story Alerts and Favorites, and of course for recommending it to other readers! I'm touched that people are enjoying it. So...yeah...thanks again. (Did I mention thanks?) LOL :P **


	12. Plow

**AN: Thanks to my wonderful beta nadia215, who took time out of her vacation to proofread this shiz. You're the best!**

"What the hell was that about?" Garrett was asking me. I was still looking at the door, my hand on my face where Edward had touched me.

_Good question._

Chapter 12: Plow

BPOV

The studio was silent, making Garrett's voice audible to everyone. I was dumfounded, unsure of how to answer him. He was looking at me with dawning realization. Irina stood nearby, gaping at me open-mouthed. Thankfully, Rose sprang into action, grabbing our mats and taking me by the arm to lead me from the room. I hear Jasper as we left, requesting everyone to bring his or her attention back to class for final relaxation.

Yeah. As if that was possible.

She was silent as she guided me to hers and Emmett's room on the fourth floor. I had never been in a staff room, and was surprised to find out how large it was. The first thing I saw was a massive king-sized bed.

Rose looked at me with her trademark raised eyebrow.

"This is where the magic happens." I heard from behind me.

"Emmett…just…eeeww…" I shuddered, in no mood for such images.

"Em, can you give us some privacy? And maybe the key to your secret…hiding place?"

"Sure thing, babe." Emmett tossed her a set of keys as he made his way to the door. "Bells. From the look on your face that brother of mine did something stupid."

Couldn't argue with that. I shrugged, not really wanting to share the details with Emmett.

"She'll be fine, Em." Rose said. "Just give us some time."

"'K." He planted a small kiss on her cheek, leaving us to ourselves.

Emmett had a sitting area and Rose ushered me over to an overstuffed sofa, which I gratefully plopped down upon. She started ferreting around behind the couch; I thought I heard the sound of a fridge open, but I stared at the ceiling, my mind racing.

Edward had looked so angry. Not quite, but almost, as enraged as I had seen him during the phone incident. But then he had been dazed as well, not comprehending his surroundings. This time, it was clear that he had an agenda, and that agenda was Garrett.

I tried to think about what could have set him off. He didn't like Garrett looking at me…had Garrett been looking at me? I hadn't noticed anything. Granted, I had been suspended in the air….Oh shit…I looked down at my boobs. Damn things. I guess my wardrobe choice had been a little _too_ successful.

So that meant…Edward was jealous? But why? He didn't want anything to do with me; he had made that abundantly clear. He didn't want me, but he didn't want anyone else to have me either.

I felt a cold glass thrust into my hand.

"Drink up." Rose said, sitting on the couch next to me with her glass and taking a long drink. I did as I was told, choking as I felt the liquor burn my throat.

"What _is_ this?" I asked, coughing like a lightweight.

"Bella, haven't you had whiskey before?"

"No, I'm kinda a beer and wine girl."

"Sorry sister. This is Emmett's single malt. That's all there is, but I thought you could use a drink."

I sighed. "You thought right."

A funny thing happened then, as I spilled to Rose. She didn't lecture me or berate me; she didn't even rail on Edward. She just listened. It was so unlike her, but it was nice.

I must have passed out on the couch because I awoke in the middle of the night with a light blanket draped over me. Rose and Emmett were entwined on the bed, Emmett's snoring loud enough to take the paint off the walls. How Rose could sleep through that was beyond me. I tiptoed out of the room, shutting the door quietly behind me.

…

The next few days were a little on the uncomfortable side. Scratch that. They were awful. Clearly the other guests had nothing better to do than talk about "Yogagate 2010," or so Rose had affectionately dubbed it. Everyone was nice to my face, but I felt strangely exposed and awkward knowing that they were making up stories to explain what had happened. Irina was especially catty, clearly jealous because of whatever she thought she knew. I could have laughed at her for how wrong she was, but it was none of her damn business and she still would've believed whatever she wanted even if I tried to explain.

I hardly saw Edward. He had stopped co-teaching with Jasper altogether, probably because he was too embarrassed about all the talk. When I had seen him, it had been from afar, and though I was still angry with him, I didn't like what I saw. He looked exhausted, and I knew he wasn't sleeping properly. I knew he wasn't because I wasn't. He was in the studio all hours of the night...I heard the music drifting from the second floor as I lay awake in bed. It was as if he was calling to me but didn't know how. Resisting the temptation to go to him was excruciating, but through some inhuman feat I did, unwilling to risk another wound. His behavior in the studio had alarmed, confused and, if I was being honest, thrilled me. But it didn't change things between us, I was sure of that.

There had been a couple of moments where it seemed like he wanted to approach me, but something always got in the way. Usually, that something was Garrett.

Garrett and I had taken a walk each afternoon since that first day, and we often hung out around the Center's grounds during free time. He was the only one I felt comfortable being around since Rose and Emmett were extremely busy with wedding planning and everyone else was obsessed with learning the "truth" about our supposed love triangle. It was like people were taking bets or something.

Garrett was good company and I was flattered by his attention, but I wasn't interested in being more than friends with him. Although he assured me he understood my feelings, he was still persistent. I hadn't told him about my…whatever it was…with Edward, and he hadn't pressed the matter, but he always seemed to be there whenever I saw Edward…granted that wasn't often.

Despite what had or had not happened between us, it was clear from his appearance Edward needed someone to talk to, and I was annoyed with Emmett for seemingly taking so little interest in his brother's degeneration.

On the morning of the fourth day of the "Yogagate" scandal, Garrett was outside my door holding a single red rose. He beamed when he saw me, and I glanced nervously at the flower in his extended hand.

"A beautiful flower for a beautiful girl."

"Gee…Garrett…thanks…." I took the rose gingerly.

"Anything to make you smile."

"You really shouldn't have."

He ignored my comment. "I have something planned for us this morning," he said secretively. "I hope you like surprises, love."

I didn't really like surprises, actually. But I had no idea how to get out of this. Garrett took my arm, leading me downstairs and out the back door of the Center. He clasped his hands over my eyes and nudged me forward, walking a little too close behind me for comfort. When he finally released me, I beheld a lavish breakfast picnic spread on the lawn before us. How had he gotten all of this stuff? He bid me sit down and I did, though I felt instantly awkward. Shit. I liked Garrett, but this was too much. He was clearly trying to push things beyond the boundary I had drawn.

As I sat he poured me a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice.

"Scone?" he asked, extending a basket of freshly baked biscuits.

I had to admit they smelled delicious and I nodded, realizing I was suddenly starving. I looked around apprehensively as I took one, hoping no one saw us out here but realizing that we were pretty hard to miss. This would surely confirm my status as major yoga-slut.

"This is really nice, Garrett. But it's too much. Seriously. How did you get this stuff out here?"

"Oh, I have my connections," he replied, winking at me. "And it's not too much…not for you, my friend."

"Hmmph," I said, chomping on my scone. Since I was out here already, I might as well eat.

"Bella…" Garrett began after we had finished. "I've been wanting to say something to you…" He moved a bit closer.

I froze at his sudden proximity. _Oh shit._

"I know you've said that you only want friendship…but I can't help hoping that maybe, someday, you could want more."

"Garrett, I…"

"Shhhhhh." he said, "Let me finish. I think it's probably obvious how I feel about you. Bella…please tell me there's hope you could feel the same…in time?"

"Garrett. I like you. I really do. But I'm just not in a place for anything right now…if ever. I'm sorry to disappoint you. I just want to keep things between us the way they are."

"Your words say one thing, Bella. But I think you want something else. All this time we've spent together…it's impossible you don't feel what I feel…" Before I had time to react, he was kissing me. I was still frozen in shock as his lips roughly pressed into mine. He lips were demanding, forceful. But not in a good way.

His kiss was nothing like Edward's. I felt no desire, no reciprocal pull. _I don't want this._ I moved my head, using some force to break the contact as I pushed his chest with my hands. He was not dissuaded, pulling my head back to his and mouthing my neck. "Garrett, no. Garret. Stop! What the…."

What happened next was a blur. One moment I was pushing him away and the next he wasn't there…he was standing…being held by the scruff of his shirt by a very fine-looking, very pissed-off Edward.

…

EPOV

_Welcome, Private Cullen._

_I hesitate in the doorway. General Caius stands and gestures to a chair in front of his desk._

_Please sit._

_I don't salute him, uncaring whether or not I'm chastised for my negligence. He smiles again. A move of the mouth that doesn't quite reach his eyes._

_Do you know why we're here? He asks pouring me a glass of the dark bourbon he's drinking._

_No. I down the contents in one gulp._

_This is a matter of some...weight. I trust you'll use your utmost discretion and not discuss what's said here…outside of these walls._

_That depends. I shrug. Why the hell am I here, anyway?_

_NO. Cullen. His voice is menacing. That does not…depend. There are certain consequences for one, should one fail to comply with orders._

_I say nothing._

_What I have to say, I think, will interest you, Private Cullen. I understand that you've recently suffered a most painful loss…_

_Jacob's face…his eyes won't close. I close them with my hands. My hands are covered in his blood._

_His voice._

_Don't trust him, Edward._

…

Things had been getting worse. Since the Garrett and Bella fiasco I hadn't slept more than a couple of hours a night. The dreams were becoming more visceral, more violent than ever. Sometimes now, during the day, I would have flashes that I knew were hallucinations. They were occurring with alarming frequency. I felt my tenuous hold on sanity slipping further and further…

I was trying so hard to stay away from Bella. She didn't need this in her life, my mood changes, my instability. I couldn't be intimate with her like I wanted to be. I couldn't even be her friend. But my desire to be both of those things was all consuming, warring with my rational side that told me to leave her alone.

When I didn't dream of Iraq, I dreamt of Bella, dreams that were maddeningly, tantalizingly erotic. Her skin…the taste of her mouth…I dreamt and awoke with her flavors on my tongue.

The days dragged on, made more excruciating by Garrett's obtrusive presence at Bella's side. There were so many times I wanted to go to her, to talk to her, but he was always suddenly there as if aware of my intentions.

Seeing them together drove me to distraction. If I had been jealous before, I was now overwhelmed by it. It was clear that he was actively pursuing her, but the worst part about it was I couldn't discern what her feelings were. She didn't appear to resist his advances. Maybe she _was _interested in him. This enraged me further; I knew his history with women, and was sure he would use her and then discard her once he had his way. There was no way I would let this happen. But if I confronted her, how would she react? If she did have feelings for him, would she even believe me? And what right did I have to tell her what to do if that was what she wanted?

But still I felt she was _mine_. Would always be mine even if I couldn't have her, even if she never knew.

As always, I turned to yoga for solace, spending my nights in the studio to try and regain some of the self-control I had lost. For the last five years, I had battled with my internal desires to try and remain detached, dispassionate in mind and body. To attain the state that Bella had recently told me she didn't think she ever could, or would want to attain. I was beginning to see her point. I played the music I had played on the night I had kissed her, wishing she would come to me again as I practiced. And hoping she wouldn't.

Yoga wasn't working. My mind was full of her, and I no longer wanted to be free.

One morning, Jasper found me in the studio. I hadn't been to bed at all that night and had fallen asleep on my mat. He turned off the music, waking me from a good dream…a delicious Bella-dream…I was startled and more than a little pissed off to be conscious again. I grumbled at him.

"Well, good morning to you too, sunshine."

Jasper and I hadn't been on the best of terms the past few days. I knew he was still annoyed with me for losing my cool during our last session. He had attempted to talk to me about it, but I had refused, growing angrier when he told me "I wasn't fooling anyone." Whatever the fuck that meant. But at least he didn't complain when I told him I wasn't planning on teaching again for a while…in fact, he was probably relieved.

"What time is it…?" I asked, still groggy.

"It's nine. How long have you been down here?"

"Oh, maybe an hour or two," I lied. Jasper didn't know, I didn't think, about my late night sojourns.

"Right. Good dreams?" he asked…now he was smirking…

"I don't remember."

"Really? 'Cause from what it sounded like, it was certainly worth remembering."

Oh shit.

"Fuck off, Jazz."

"I love you too, Edward."

I stood up, turning my back on him and adjusting myself. Damnit. I was sporting major morning wood.

"I gotta go…Jazz. The garden needs some work, I think." While I seemed to be useless for anything else, that was the one thing I had been doing every morning,

"Edward. Wait." Jasper was serious now. "There's something you should know before you go down there."

"And what's that?"

"I saw Bella and Garrett out on the back lawn near the garden. They're having a picnic or something, I don't know, something he put together. Edward. I know you have a thing for Bella…but Garrett's my friend too. I don't want you to do anything stupid or freak out…"

I felt suddenly cold as all of the blood drained from my face. Garrett. Bella. There was something between them. A sudden wave of nausea overtook me.

"A fucking _picnic_?"

"Laurent gave Garrett some stuff for it…Edward? Edward?"

I was already out the door.

I tried to form a comprehensible thought as I flew down the stairs, taking them two at a time. Bella. He was with Bella. MY Bella. I felt the rage congealing until it was almost a tangible entity in my chest, hard and heavy. A bomb.

I paused when I got to the back door…the hardness in my chest threatened to explode as I spied them, just barely visible from behind a cover of trees.

A modicum of reason returned. What could I do? Run over there and drag her away as I had the other night. _That had gone over well._ Her words rang in my head…_I can take care of myself._

But I had to go…I couldn't walk away…not until I knew how she felt…

I opened the door and walked towards them with measured steps, trying to control my breathing. My feet were weighted down and heavy, not wanting to see what I was seeing but needing to anyway.

They were sitting with their backs towards me. Bella was looking at the forest. Garret was sitting close to her, whispering something. I couldn't see her expression, only his profile. He looked like the cat that ate the canary. I felt the bomb ticking in my chest.

I drew closer until I could hear them speaking, still far enough away not to hear their actual words, not caring if I was intruding on this rather intimate moment. The ticking got louder.

Suddenly, his mouth was on hers. The force of it shocked me, and it obviously took Bella by surprise. I stood, frozen for a minute. Bella was twisting, turning her head away. He pulled her back to him."_Garrett, no. Garrett. Stop!_" She was pushing against him. Her voice held an edge of panic.

_She didn't want this!_ The bomb went off. I instantly closed the distance between us, my gaze now furious. How. Dare. He. Touch. Her. Against. Her. Will.

Garrett heard my approach and whipped his head around, his expression moving from confusion to fear in an instant. I grabbed his shirt collar, yanking him to his feet though he was larger than I was. I took my eyes off his face for a millisecond to glance at Bella, ensuring she was okay. Her eyes were wide as she stared up at us, her perfect mouth puckered into an "o" of disbelief.

I held Garrett more firmly, turning my gaze back on him. The bomb had shattered me and I was shaking with rage, unable to control myself as I drew my fist and hit him squarely in the jaw. Then again.

"If you touch her against her will…ever again…I will kill you." My words were deadly calm, but I meant every one of them.

No longer stunned, Garrett reacted, pushing me back with full force. I stumbled over the refuse of the picnic, quickly righting myself to face his onslaught. He came at me directly, underestimating my speed as I dodged his fist. But he wheeled around faster than I was expecting, throwing a punch that lodged directly into my ribcage. I heard a crack as the air was knocked from my lungs, then felt a searing pain in my side. Fucker was strong.

I pushed the pain down, neatly erasing the satisfied smirk on Garrett's face with my fist; but he was tenacious, and our grappling became more violent, sending us both to the ground.

In the midst of the fight I was conscious that Bella was screaming. I didn't know how close she was, but I growled at her to get back, away. I made the mistake of turning my head to locate her and Garrett used the distraction to his advantage, landing a powerful blow to the side of my head. I heard ringing in my ears as Bella screamed louder….then suddenly, Emmett and Jasper were there, pulling us apart. The rage in my chest had not abated, and I struggled to free myself. But I was exhausted, and Emmett was not. He held my arms firmly. I gradually calmed, panting and sagging back into his chest as I allowed my brother to hold me up.

"What the fuck is going on out here…" Jasper was glaring at me. Clearly he thought I had lost it and attacked Garrett for no reason.

Garrett, held in Jasper's grip, spit red.

"Your _mate_, here," he said angrily, "attacked me. As you can see."

"Edward, what the hell? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I was stung by Jasper's words, the ease with which he instantly believed Garrett. I said nothing.

"Edward?" Emmett asked me, "Is what he says true?"

Bella was now standing by my side. I was roused out of my delirium by the sensation of her light touch on my hurt side. I wanted her to keep touching me.

"Edward was trying to protect me," she said softly.

Jasper's eyes shot to her while Garrett hung his head. "I wasn't trying to hurt her," he muttered, "I thought…"

"You thought wrong, obviously." She was seething.

He eyed her apologetically. "Bella…I was out of line. I wouldn't ever do anything to hurt you. I must have been out of my senses."

"Can someone please fill us in about what the hell is going on here?" There was shame in Jasper's glance as he looked at me.

Bella sighed, and I immediately felt the lack as she removed her hand from my side. "Garrett kissed me…and…I was pushing him away…and Edward saw…he heard me protest…and that's what started it…"

"Garrett?" Jasper was in total disbelief. He released his friend with a shove. "What the hell would you do something like that for?"

"There's no excuse. It was unforgivable." Garrett looked pleadingly at Bella. "I mean what I say, Bella. I wouldn't have done anything. I thought you were being coy…resisting me…I didn't think you were serious."

"Well, I was."

"Sometimes "no" means "no," motherfucker. Or isn't it like that in Australia?" It was the first thing I had said. All eyes turned to me.

I was still panting. The punch to my side had cracked my rib, and it was painful to breathe. At least from the looks of his face I had given Garrett his too. "Let me go, Emmett," I told him lowly. He did as I asked. I fingered my injury gingerly. Bella looked at me with a worried expression.

"It's broken, isn't it?" I nodded. Her hand shot out again to where mine was, trying to pull up my shirt.

"Bella, Bella," I resisted her hands gently. "It won't be visible, maybe just a bruise."

"But you're hurt." Her voice was tearful.

"I'll be okay."

Garrett looked pained, the gravity of the situation now clear. "Edward. I'm sorry. This whole thing just got out of hand. Please accept my apology." He seemed genuinely sorry but I scoffed at him, in no mood for reconciliation.

"If you want to apologize, apologize to Bella." I said.

"You're right. Bella." He sought her eyes. "Please. Just know I didn't mean for things to get out of control. You have every right to be mad at me, but I hope you'll forgive me."

"I can't talk about this right now," she told him, turning her attention back to me.

"Edward, we have to get you to the hospital to get this checked out." I balked at the idea.

"No. No hospitals. They can't do anything for broken ribs anyway, Bella. They'll just give me some pain meds and send me home."

"We're going. Now." She raised her eyebrow at me, daring me to disobey.

"Bella's right, bro," Emmett said. "You need to get it checked out. Come on. I'll drive."

Jasper nodded in affirmation. They looked ready to forcibly escort me if I resisted, so I begrudgingly agreed, following Emmett to his Jeep and leaving Garrett behind to nurse his wounds.

Bella sat next to me in the back seat during the ride, wincing along with me as I was jostled by bumps. There was a tension between us created by unspoken words, but with Jasper and Emmett our front seat audience, there was no way we were having a conversation now.

Wanting to touch her, I reached out across the seat. She let me take her hand in mine as we sat in silence.

Once at the hospital, Emmett, Bella, and Jasper stayed behind in the waiting room while I went to get checked out. X-Rays determined one rib was slightly fractured, but nothing that wouldn't heal on its own. Just as I had predicted, they sent me off with a bottle of prescription strength painkillers and a warning not to practice vigorous exercise for two weeks. Go figure.

Back at the Center, Jasper excused himself and Emmett went in search of Rose, certain she'd be worried. Though I ensured her I was fine, Bella insisted on helping me to my room. It was now late afternoon, and I was sure she'd want to attend the evening class. When we arrived at my room door, the tension that had dissipated over the course of the day returned.

"We need to talk." I said.

"Yes. But not now."

I nodded in agreement; she was probably right.

Opening the door, I realized I had never had a woman in my room before.

We entered and I was suddenly embarrassed about the room's austerity. It looked so empty, so devoid of comfort, but not with Bella standing in it. She stood shyly just inside the door as if unsure where her place was. There was no place to sit besides the bed.

I was suddenly exhausted by the events of the day, the medication they had given me already making me extremely groggy. Bella was the one to break our stalemate.

"Edward, I think you need to lie down."

"Probably," I mumbled.

She moved swiftly to the bed, pulling down the covers and plumping my pillow. Pleased with herself, she turned to me expectantly.

I eyed my clothes—they were the ones I had practiced yoga, slept, and of course gotten in a brutal fistfight in. Her faced blushed in understanding.

"Right. Maybe you want to change first…do you want to shower?"

"No. I'll just change."

"Oh. Okay." She glanced around the room nervously. "I'll…wait outside."

Once I was ready, I opened the door. She was leaning against the wall, looking at her feet. I didn't know if she wanted to come back in or if she was leaving.

"Do you…" I opened the door wider. Bella nodded and entered again, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Now I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. I crawled into bed and Bella shifted, pulling the blankets over me. She smiled down at me, but her face was fuzzy. I blinked the medicinal fatigue away, dreading the oncoming darkness that held only terrible memories.

"Are you okay?" she asked. "Do you need anything?"

"Bella…" I took her hand. "I don't want to sleep."

"Oh." Her face fell. "It's that bad?"

I nodded.

"Do…do…you want me to stay with you?"

I felt like such a child, but I did. I wanted…needed her to stay. "Please."

She smiled, moving to lie beside me on the bed. Close…but not touching. "Is this okay?" she asked.

I nodded. She inched a little closer. But I wanted her closer still. I reached out for her, drawing her flush against my side.

"But this is better."

I felt myself drifting, my eyes closing against my will.

The last thing I heard was her voice near my ear.

_Thank you, Edward._

**AN: Hmmm. A bit of progress, methinks? Please let me know your thoughts; reviewers get lemons sooner... LOL (that was a cheap trick) ;)**

**Thanks for reading and for your comments and reviews. They make my day!**


	13. Moon

**A/N: I wanted to dedicate this chapter to my LGR girls, some of whom are in Miami right now living it up in celebration of Eclipse! Of course, I especially thank nadia215 for beta-ing this chapter, as always! Thanks to all readers, old and new, for your kind comments and support of this story. I'm overwhelmed by the positive responses I've received, and for all the pimping and shout-outs you've given to TCS. This is for you gals too. :)**

Chapter 13: Moon

BPOV

It was still light when I lay down with Edward on his bed and I wasn't tired. He fell to sleep almost immediately, pulling me close against him, a sudden proximity that wasn't exactly helping matters. I watched his face as he relaxed more deeply, the tense lines that had marred his brow earlier in the day replaced by smoothness. His hair was as disheveled as I'd ever seen it, sticking up at all angles, as if it alone was still awake, aware, while the rest of him lay unconscious. I noticed how long his eyelashes were, fringing the dark circles under his eyes, and I was glad I could be some comfort to him, despite my own unease.

I was still trying to process the events of the day, which truthfully had left me more confused than ever. The fight between Edward and Garrett had been horrifying. While both of them were fierce, the look in Edward's eyes reminded me of the day at the watering hole. He had looked unhinged. As if he could kill. I didn't quite understand what had inspired his response; I knew he was trying to protect me—anyone, Emmett, Jasper—would surely have attempted to do the same. But would they have resorted to violence to do it? I didn't know.

And of course I thought of Garrett, angry with myself about how grievously I had misjudged his intentions. What he had done was wrong, and it had truly frightened me. But still I felt he wasn't a bad person, he hadn't intentionally meant to harm me. Perhaps.

Now here I was lying with Edward on his bed as he held me tightly and, it felt, protectively. In what capacity was I here? As his friend? Or were things changing between us? I refused to let myself dwell on the second option, aware of how devastating such hopes could be.

I moved a little to get a better look at his face. Now, his mouth was slightly ajar, giving me a glimpse of his pink tongue. I remembered the feel of it on my own and I trembled involuntarily. I had the overwhelming urge to run my fingers through his wild hair, and I allowed myself a tentative pass through it in what I hoped was a soothing gesture. It was soft, silky, and, to be honest, more than a little dirty. He stirred and sighed slightly in his sleep, and I quickly removed my hand so as not to awaken him. What would he think if he woke to find me staring at him so curiously, petting him?

Gradually, the light faded with the oncoming darkness and Edward's warm, even breathing in my ear began to relax me, eventually lulling me to sleep.

"Bella…" a voice sighed in my ear. "Oh, Belllla." The voice was a moan. Calling to me from where I was…back in Forks in the forest walking with a man. He was tall. I couldn't get a glimpse of his face because he was so far ahead of me and it was dark in the woods. We walked in silence. Suddenly, there was a break in the canopy overhead, which allowed some light to filter through. The man turned back to wait for me as the sun bathed his face. So beautiful.

"Edward."

The name on my lips startled me from my dream. For a moment, I was frightened, my heart racing in the way that is sometimes inspired by interrupted sleep. It was still dark, probably well after midnight. I felt arms around me, a form hugging me close, breath in my ear.

"Bella." The voice sighed again. It was Edward. He was still asleep, spooning me from behind. He was dreaming too. Dreaming about me? The thought caused my breath to quicken as I realized how close we were. Edwards grip had tightened and I felt a warm rush as his arousal pressed firmly against my ass. He moved his hips, ever so slightly, and I heard his breath hitch. Was he awake? My heart was pounding in my chest and I felt too warm. Just the feel of his hardness against my body was making me wet with wanting, but I was too afraid to move.

"Bella," he murmured. I felt his breath on my neck, startled when he pressed a soft kiss to the place right below my ear. It was tentative, a question. Boldly, I moved, pressing back into his body with mine with intention. He stifled a moan as my ass moved against his erection. "Oh Bella." He moved his hips again, repeating the gesture. Now his hands were on my hips, but lightly, unsurely. He kissed me again in the same place, but now lingered, moving his mouth down under my chin to my neck. Unable to help myself, I emitted a breathy sigh, turning my head to find his searching mouth.

Our lips met in the darkness. I couldn't see his face, only feel his kiss. His mouth was soft on mine as we moved together gently, exploring each other without speaking. His hand moved from my hip to cup my face and turn it more fully towards him, deepening our access to each other. He continued to caress my face, running his fingers through my hair as our tongues finally touched, and I sighed again into his mouth with the relief of this new contact. If it was possible, I felt him grow harder still behind me as I pressed back into him again and again, becoming increasingly desperate for friction to quell the ache between my thighs.

Edward apparently had the same need as he began to move his pelvis now, grinding against me in slow firm passes. I moaned as I felt his erection pass again nearer to my sex, which was covered only in light cotton yoga pants. Now he groaned more audibly, an edge to the sound as he allowed his hand to drift back to my side.

I was getting a bit of a crick in my neck from turning my head, but thoughts of discomfort were alleviated when I felt his fingers inching lower, lower…traveling a path I wanted them to, despite a nagging at the back of my mind that told me to stop this before it got out of hand.

His kiss became hungrier, more insistent, gaining some of the urgency that it had the night in the studio. And still his long fingers moved slowly, maddeningly slow, rounding my torso and resting at the waist of my pants.

"Bella." He panted. "I want…to touch you…please…can I?" His voice was hopeful with a hint of nervousness, as if sure I'd reject him.

"Please. Oh please." I couldn't help the desperate longing in my voice. I'd never been this aroused before and it was making it difficult to think rationally.

He emitted a low growl at my acquiescence and slid his fingers under the waistband, but still he was moving slowly. I was heady with anticipation, needing the contact of his fingers on me.

"Ohhh. Bella." He sighed, kissing my throat again as his hand circled lightly, teasingly, feeling his way down my lower abdomen.

"Edward." I gasped. "Please. I….unnnnnnfffffff." My words were muffled by his mouth on mine again as he finally reached my sex, cupping it and pulling my hips back to him so that I was trapped between his hand and his hardness.

"Open up for me, baby," he murmured, his hand urging my legs apart to give his fingers access. He teased around my opening, inserting one finger while his thumb pressed lightly on my clit. I yelped, a small, mewling sound at the sensation. I ground my hips down and back, loving the feel of his cock at my back and his hand on me.

"God. Bella. You're so wet. Oh God. You feel amazing" He rumbled into my mouth, his breath coming faster as he began to move his hand in earnest, stroking my clit as he moved his finger inside me, then added another. His fingers were long and they filled me deeply with each pass. I felt the beginnings of my orgasm approaching, a slow burn that began in my limbs and radiated inward. I was writhing against him wantonly, unable to control my movements or the sounds coming from my mouth.

"Shhhhhhh….baby…shhhhhhhhh." He whispered in my ear.

"I'm sorry…" I managed. " I just can't…oh God. Don't stop."

"I won't. I won't ever stop. Bella. God. You feel so good on my hand."

His words were driving me crazy, his fingers working me expertly. I couldn't hold back, and suddenly I was bursting, exploding, cumming hard around his fingers.

He moaned as my muscles clenched around him. "God Bella. I can feel you. God, do you feel what you do to me?" He growled into my ear, moving his hips against me.

I was panting, my sanity slowly returning as the need abated. His fingers were still inside of me; he was still working himself on my ass, moving against me as he held me to him now with both hands.

"Belllllllllla. I'm sorry. I just need to…can I please…." His words were frantic.

I nodded against his mouth, our tongues battling with each other as he moved his cock between my ass cheeks, cupping my sex more to create more leverage for his thrusts. He groaned…it sounded as if he was in pain.

"Edward. Your side…" I remembered, suddenly concerned.

"I don't care…I don't care…It's worth it…" he was muttering into my hair.

The knowledge that it was me who was getting him off, me that he was desperate for, initiated the ache again. His fingers moved in me; he added a third, and soon I was grunting and moaning, moving towards my second climax.

"God…Bella….Oh God…" I felt the corners of his mouth contort into a grimace, wishing there was light so I could see his face in his passion.

His voice again sent me over the edge, and I was sure he was following quickly behind, jerking his hips against me erratically until he cried out my name, holding me firmly to him as I felt his erection pulse. Edward during his orgasm was the most erotic thing I'd ever heard.

Gradually, he stilled, both of our breaths coming in pants. I collapsed back against him as he removed his hand from my pants, stilling it against my stomach as we laid in silence. After a little while, Edward shifted, moving over to his back with a low groan. He was clearly in pain.

The silence was unnerving. Had he fallen back asleep?

"Bella." He said finally. "I'm sorry." His voice was regretful.

I felt the anxiety return to the pit of my stomach.

"For what, Edward?" I nearly snapped at him, fearful of the aftermath of our intimacy.

"I shouldn't have done that…I shouldn't have taken…advantage…of the situation…like that. I haven't…been with someone in so long…I'm sorry."

Here we were, not five minutes after the most amazing orgasms of my life…orgasms that HE had initiated, and he was pulling back from me again. I scoffed, angry with myself for allowing him to touch me in the first place, to reel me back into this devastating cycle of desire and rejection.

"Bella. Please tell me what you're thinking."

I sat up, glaring at him in the darkness.

"You don't really want to know." I said honestly. "I'm sorry that touching me fills you with such…regret." My words were biting, sarcastic, but I didn't know how else to deal with the pain I was feeling.

"Regret?" Edward sat up, groaning with the effort… "No. Bella." He sighed. Moving towards me. I felt his arms take my shoulders. I could just about make out his face in the darkness. "That's not what I meant. I would never regret…touching you." He stroked my face. "Just…this situation…is so fucked up. I know I've been hurting you. You don't deserve it. I just can't see a way to make things better. I don't know how to be with anyone. Especially you."

"Well, for one," I began, still annoyed. "You can stop with all this cryptic bullshit and tell me the truth. Make me understand. Because to be honest you're confusing the hell out of me and I can't take it anymore. I need to know the truth, Edward." Now I was beseeching.

He sighed. "The truth?"

"Yes, the truth! About what this is between us, for one. How am I supposed to feel about this? You say you're celibate, and then you kiss me, and then you reject me, and then you beat Garrett up for kissing me, and then you touch me like you'll never have enough! And then, you go pulling this bullshit again!"

"I'm afraid." He confessed.

"Of what, Edward?"

"I can't tell you the truth, Bella. You'll only end up hating me. And there's…even more at stake than that."

"Well, Edward. You know what I think? I think that you're full of it. You say you find peace and solace in yoga, and that you practice abstinence to allow yourself freedom from worldly attachments….but I think you use it as a punishment. As penance. I've read the Yoga Sutras, Edward. I know that as a practice abstinence isn't supposed to be about a moral judgment…but I think that's exactly what it is for you. You're not finding fulfillment in detachment, because you still want what you're denying yourself. And those things just don't mix.

I think that you blame yourself for Jacob's death. I think you use it as an excuse not to get close to anyone. You feel guilty, and you don't want to be hurt again by loosing someone else."

I was aware that I was ranting. Edward sat silently in front of me; his hands had dropped from my shoulders. From the beginnings of the morning light filtering from behind the curtains, I could make out his sad expression. He looked lost, like a boy.

His silence was alarming.

"It's true, what I've said…isn't it?" My voice was softer now. I regretted yelling at him.

Finally, his eyes met mine.

"There is some truth in what you say. But you're wrong…about some things." He paused. "I do feel guilty about Jacob's death."

"What happened, Edward?"

He sighed, running his hands through his hair.

"It's a long story."

"I have time."

He shifted again and winced, leaning back against the headboard. I helped him get comfortable, fluffing the pillow behind him for cushion. The light had increased with the dawn; it was now early morning and Edward was finally going to give me some answers. I hoped.

"I don't know if I can tell you everything Bella. I don't know how to do this."

"You can trust me, Edward." I looked at him, willing him to understand. "Please know that."

He sighed again.

"Jake and I were best friends growing up. He was a year younger than me. We were more like brothers, really. His dad was close with my father.

Anyway, when we were in high school September 11th happened. It really affected Jake." His eyes were closed, his head resting. He looked tired.

"His aunt died in the second tower, and he was really fucked up about it. The whole family was. He bought into all of Bush's lies about Iraq being involved, having WMD's and all, so when the war broke out, he supported it. He couldn't wait until he was old enough to enlist in the army and when he turned 18, he did." He looked lost in his own thoughts.

"Why did you enlist?"

"God, for so many stupid reasons. I graduated at the top of my high school class and Carlisle wanted me to go Ivy League. It was his dream for me to be a doctor, like him."

I had heard this before from Emmett, but it was Edward's story. I nodded at him to go on.

"I had always done everything to please him, but it was never good enough. He always wanted more. Pushed me harder."

"He wanted you to succeed."

"Yeah," Edward scoffed, "but on his terms."

I understood the desire to please, but Charlie had never pushed me to do anything I didn't want to do. He was always supportive of my decisions. Edward continued.

"Carlisle disapproved of Jake going into the army. Told him it was a waste, he was throwing his life away. Ironic, isn't it, that he was right…but not in the way he meant.

Jake wanted me to come too. He thought it'd be an adventure. He was like my brother. I didn't want him to go alone. And so I enlisted.

We were assigned to the same unit after basic, which was kinda strange, but I later found out that Carlisle pulled some strings…he had connections…he wanted us to look out for one another…for my mother's sake."

His breath hitched.

"We were on checkpoint duty. Outside of Tikrit—you know, the city where Saddam had his big palace?"

I nodded, remembered seeing it on the news.

"We'd go ever day and search vehicles for suspicious looking packages, illegal firearms, whatever. It sometimes got a little…scary. The people didn't want us there, didn't trust us. And we didn't trust them. Once in a while we'd have a little skirmish…nothing too serious…but enough to keep us on edge."

He looked weary as he told me how soldiers had learned to be especially wary of cell phone use—that was one of the most common ways that IED's were remotely detonated. His outburst at the watering hole was clearly on his mind, but I said nothing.

"It was just a regular day…we stopped a truck and there was this group of men. The translator said one of them was sick and needed treatment. The guy was moaning a little, but he honestly didn't look sick to me. But the translator, he insisted the man was ill and I ignored my gut. I trusted the translator. He'd been working with us for months."

I gulped, knowing where the story was going. The pain in his eyes made me sorry I had asked him to share it. I put my hand out, placing it over his and squeezing.

He smiled half-heartedly, looking at our hands.

"We took him to the sick truck. I didn't stay to watch the treatment, so I don't know what they did. I forgot about it. The day was long and hot and there was a lot of other shit happening.

Bella. There was a bomb in the sick truck. Jacob was in it when it exploded…that's how he died. They think it was a cell detonator."

"The man…the sick man…put the bomb there," I said, needlessly voicing my dawning realization.

Edward nodded once, looking away.

"But you couldn't have known…."

His gaze snapped back to mine, his voice harsh.

"Couldn't I?"

"Edward…how could…"

"No Bella," he cut me off angrily, "I know what I saw and I saw the man wasn't sick. I felt there was something wrong, but I didn't do shit about it. Jacob died in that truck because of me…because I was too stupid to follow through when I recognized something was off."

I couldn't say anything, feeling sick at the sadness of his revelations.

His voice was barely a whisper now. "I saw his body, Bella. Completely destroyed. I held him but he wouldn't wake up…there was so much blood…"

His voice cracked; there were tears in his jade eyes that he struggled to blink back. I was horrified for Edward and the trauma he had suffered, the burden he had carried all of these years.

"Edward," I said softly, hoping to offer comfort. "You were only a kid."

"I was a soldier."

"It was the translator. Edward. He tricked you."

"I let myself be tricked."

"You can't blame yourself. No one else did anything either. How could you have known the translator wasn't to be trusted?" I knew my words sounded hollow, forced.

"Does that make it right, Bella?" His eyes flashed. "No."

We were silent for a while. My hand still covered his but he made no move to entwine our fingers.

I was surprised he continued.

"I was fucked up. For a long time. Drinking. Women. To make it go away. Nothing helped."

"But the yoga…"

"Yes."

I thought I understood. "So, the celibacy thing. You made that vow because you were guilty about Jake…you were doing penance?"

His answer surprised me. "No."

"Then why…?"

"Bella. I can't talk about this more right now…I just…can't. I'm sorry." He looked at me, his sadness visibly altering his perfect features. "You're the first one I've told…about that…not even Jasper knows about how Jake died. What I knew. Please…"

"I won't tell anyone, Edward…but I think you should talk to someone…"

"A shrink?" He scoffed. "A shrink like my father? No way. I've been to tons and it was all crap. Nothing worked."

"Maybe you didn't find the right one, Edward. Someone you feel comfortable with."

"The right one?" He laughed bitterly. "They're all the same. They let you talk and talk and fucking talk and then they give you a prescription for meds that turn you into a zombie and send you on your way. Not for me."

I nodded, swallowing thickly. I knew he was speaking from a place of hurt and nothing I said right now would change his mind. Edward did need help, but I wasn't sure how to get him to recognize this himself. He was still broken, even after all of these years. And the worst part is that there was something else; something he wasn't telling me. Something worse.

I needed the answer to my next question, though I dreaded it.

"Edward. I have to know what this means…for us."

He looked at me seriously, his eyes searching mine. He reached out with his free hand and stroked my hair.

"I don't know, Bella," he said softly.

My features crumpled at his words; they were not the ones I wanted to hear. Unbidden, the tears that had been threatening during the last hour fell wetly onto the sheets between us.

This man was so broken. And I was in love with him. I was so in love with him and I couldn't tell him.

Suddenly, he was pulling me to his chest, cradling me, rocking me.

"Shhhhhh, Bella. Shhhhhhh. Don't cry. Please." He used his sleeve to wipe my face. "I'm sorry. I always say the wrong thing to you. Please don't cry."

I clutched him tightly, looking up at him through my teary gaze. He leaned down and kissed my face.

"I know that I care for you…so much. So much. Please don't cry."

"But I can't help it…Edward…I want…you. To be with you."

"Why?" He looked genuinely surprised.

"Because I do. I just do. I care about you, Edward. Please. Let me in."

His green eyes were searching my face. He planted more kisses on my wet cheeks.

"You deserve someone better than me."

I almost laughed. "Someone like Garrett?" Edward growled, his eyes flashing.

"No. Never. He'll never have you."

"No," I confirmed, "he won't. But you want me to find someone else."

"I don't want that Bella. I said you 'deserved' someone else. Not that I wanted you to be with someone else. The thought of that is more than I can stand."

"Well, what do you want then?"

"I want…to try…" he said simply. "I can't promise…what will happen. But I'll try…for you."

I smiled through my tears. His words thrilled me. But was it enough? It would have to be.

Just then a knock sounded at the door.

"Edward? Edward, listen I know it's early but I need to talk to you."

"Go away, Emmett," Edward grumbled, still staring intently at me.

"Edward. Carlisle's coming. He'll be here in an hour. Just thought you should know."

"Fuck." Edward mumbled under his breath.

This wasn't going to be good.

**A/N: Please review! And let me know how excited you are for Eclipse! I'm bouncing in my seat over here. Say it with me..."Leg Hitch, Leg Hitch, Leg Hitch"!**


	14. Plank

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight; I own Yogiward.**

**AN: Thanks to my awesome beta nadia215!**

_Just then a knock sounded at the door._

_"Edward? Edward, listen I know it's early but I need to talk to you."_

_"Go away, Emmett," Edward grumbled, still staring intently at me._

_"Edward. Carlisle's coming. He'll be here in an hour. Just thought you should know."_

_"Fuck." Edward mumbled under his breath._

_This wasn't going to be good._

**Chapter 14: Plank**

EPOV

Bella looked up at me worriedly and I realized I was holding her too tightly; I relaxed my grip and allowed her to sit up. I could tell Emmett was still at the door from the sound of his breathing. His deviated septum made him probably the loudest breather I had ever met.

"Fuck." I whispered again. I hadn't seen Carlisle in months, which was ironic because our parents lived close by. The last time I had seen them was at Christmas, and then only at my mother's insistence. Our meeting hadn't been…pleasant. Carlisle still harbored hopes that I would give up the Center and attend college, even if he no longer imagined me as a doctor. But I couldn't. I needed the stability that this life offered me. I felt uncomfortable in crowds—the thought of attending a large college lecture was alarming. And plus I was too old. Too old to start over. I hadn't expressed these fears to Carlisle, but I had gotten defensive when the topic was broached, which had of course led to a fight and to my mother crying while Emmett dragged my ass out of there. Not the best Christmas in memory. _Not the worst either._

"Edward. Listen. Open up. Come on, man. I'm not leaving until you do."

Damn Emmett. He wasn't giving up. I looked at Bella for guidance. Her face was still streaked with dry tears, and I rubbed my thumb across her cheek to try and erase them. She gulped nervously. If I opened the door we would be outed. And I still had a…sticky situation to deal with.

"Open it," she whispered.

"Goddamn Emmett," I grumbled, standing up and wincing at the pain in my side as I adjusted myself. I decided to put on a clean pair of shorts and turned to Bella, who, seeing my intention, giggled. I shrugged and changed quickly, not missing the fact that Bella eyed me as I did so. The feel of her gaze nearly made me hard again, but I pushed down those thoughts. Better deal with Emmett first.

I opened the door a crack. My brother seemed tense, nervous. He wouldn't meet my eyes.

"Well, Emmett?" I nearly snapped. "What's he coming for?"

Emmett shuffled his feet. "Can I come in?"

"Uhhhhh."

Bella appeared at my side, poking her head out to make her presence known. Emmett's expression morphed from shock, to disbelief, to anger in matter of seconds. It was quite comical to watch, actually.

"Bella," he finally managed… "What…"

She smiled at him but her eyes were concerned. "I'll just give you two some privacy." She said, nudging her way past me, but not before giving my cheek a quick peck and my hand a squeeze. Emmett's eyes nearly bulged out of his head.

I watched her as she walked away with just a bit of swagger in her hips.

"Whathefuck?" Emmett hissed once Bella was out of earshot. I held the door open for him and he stalked into my room. Noticing the rumpled sheets he turned to me gesturing helplessly.

"Edward. Please tell me this isn't happening. I can't believe this."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh cut the crap. Are you screwing Bella?"

"No."

"Bullshit man. It STINKS in here."

Did it? Hmmm. I toed my dirty shorts on the floor, hiding them under the bed.

"Em, it's not what you think."

"Well it sure looks that way."

"Things are…complicated. But you don't have to worry."

"The hell I don't! Edward, Bella is Rose's best friend and Rose is gonna be my wife. How can this not end badly?"

Now I was getting angry. It was clear Emmett had no faith in me.

"Emmett, it's really none of your business. This is between Bella and me."

"Fine…" he said through his clenched jaw, "for now. But this conversation isn't over."

"Can you just please tell me what the hell is going on Emmett? Why is Carlisle coming? What time is it anyway?"

"It's seven. He'll be here at eight."

"How do you know this? Did he call the house phone?"

"No…."

I grimaced in exasperation at his reticence.

"I called him Edward."

"What? How could you do that Em? Why? Is this about the fight yesterday?"

Emmett stood with his arms crossed, his expression determined. I felt sick. The fact was I was petrified of seeing Carlisle; while I was used to dealing with my brother and Jasper's questions and concerns, my father was not as easily fooled. Years of dealing with the mentally ill and unstable had honed his abilities, and he could smell bullshit a mile away. He'd take one look at me and know the dreams had come back.

"The fight was part of it. But it's more than that and you know it. I'm sick of dealing with your shit, Edward. You've got to get it together. I'm not going to have you spaz out at the wedding. And more than that, I'm worried about you. You think you're hiding your problem but you're really not. I hate to say it but if you don't deal with it you might end up…with no one left."

His words struck a nerve.

"Emmett, you don't know shit about my problems."

"Yeah," he scoffed, "because you don't TELL me anything."

"You're right. And that's the way it's gonna stay."

"Hhhmph. And what about Bella?"

"What about her?"

"How long do you think she'll stick around to put up with your sorry ass? I mean, seriously Edward, the girl has it going on. She's going to leave in two weeks and then what? Have you even thought about that?"

Honestly, I hadn't thought about that. But he was right. Bella would leave after the wedding, go back to New York, find a job, live her life. And I'd be stuck here. I hadn't even had time to process what had just transpired between us. Bella had said she wanted to "be" with me…and I didn't even know what that meant. When I told her I'd try I'd meant it…but I didn't know how. There a was, of course, the issue of intimacy. If I was going to attempt some sort of relationship with Bella I would be breaking my vow. I had kind of already broken it. _But it was so good and so right_… I couldn't regret it…

I couldn't put a label on what we were to each other. I knew I didn't want to let her go. But Emmett was right. I was a fucking basket-case and a half. Sure, Bella hadn't condemned me when I had told her about Jake, but she most certainly would if she found out the full story…

Things had been so clear just minutes before when Bella was here with me, but now the situation seemed hopeless. I shrugged my shoulders.

"Edward." Emmett grasped my shoulders, more serious than I'd seen him in a long time. "If you want that girl you need to get some help. Please."

"Emmett, I've had enough of this intervention b.s." I backed away from him, shrugging out of his grip. No.

There was no way I was going to let them take me away again, lock me up. I remembered the feeling of the straps on my wrists…holding me down as I writhed against the bed._ It's for your own good, son._ Carlisle's face hovering over me, my mother's red and blotchy from crying. _I thought I was going to lose you..._

"Edward," Emmett's voice was a warning. "There's something else dad told me on the phone."

Suspicious of his tone, I looked at him squarely. "What?"

"He wants to tell you himself. Listen. Just talk to him for a minute. I gotta go and wake up Rose. I'll see you in few?"

"Fine."

_Fuck. Something was up._

Once Emmett left I sat back on the bed, my side protesting the movement. I groaned and rubbed it lightly. Fucking Garrett.

Where was he anyway? I wanted to tell him to get the hell out of the Center, but hopefully he had the sense to leave of his own accord. I didn't want to cause a scene and embarrass Bella even more, but there was no way that asshole was going to finish the retreat.

And now Carlisle was coming and he had something to tell me…something that he wanted to say in person.

I had to take a shower, but the idea was daunting. A light tap at the door interrupted my thought process.

"Edward?" It was Bella. She opened the door and peeked in, smiling shyly when she saw me. "Are you okay? I heard arguing."

"No, it's fine. It's just Emmett. Carlisle apparently has something he wants to tell me but Emmett wouldn't say what."

She bit her lip as she sat next to me on the bed. "You think it's bad?"

"Can't be good."

Bella placed her hand on my leg. Her warm touch sent a jolt through me and relaxed me simultaneously. How could I even imagine letting her go?

"Does your side hurt?"

I nodded. It was after all pretty obvious.

"Let me see, Edward."

She tugged at the hem of my shirt and I allowed her to pull it up. There was no bandage on my side since there really was nothing you could do for a cracked rib. It would heal on its own, but it had left a nasty bruise. Bella gasped when she saw it, lightly tracing her fingers over the deep purple discoloration.

"Oh Edward." I wasn't prepared for what she did next. Bella bowed her head and began lightly kissing my side. Her lips, though barely grazing my flesh, enflamed me. I was immediately aroused as I watched Bella's hair fell delicately around her; her eyes were closed in an almost reverent expression. She was so beautiful. I swept her hair back and couldn't help but imagine her full lips on my cock. I groaned at the image. She looked up, a sweetly wanton gaze. She knew exactly what she was doing to me.

"Bellaa."

"Sorry. I guess I got a little carried away."

"Believe me. I didn't mind."

She smiled as she smoothed down my shirt and sat up again.

"I kinda need to take a shower," I said, embarrassed at the thought of how long it'd been.

"Okay."

"Wait for me?" I asked. She nodded.

On my way to the shower I couldn't get the image of Bella kissing me out of my head. It had all but erased thoughts of Carlisle's impending visit from my mind. I was still rock hard and needed to take care of the situation immediately before I ran back to my room and attacked Bella.

I turned the water on full blast, standing in the steady stream and allowing the heat to soothe my aching muscles. My side was sensitive, the water that hit me pleasantly painful.

But my erection was demanding, unwilling to be ignored. I took it in my hand and thought of Bella…Bella…the feel of her clenching on my fingers as she came. The sight of her kissing me…her mouth…her taste. I groaned out loud, closing my eyes.

"Edward." Her voice was a whisper, darkened with desire. So realistic…almost like she was…

Bella was in the shower with me. Bella was naked.

I should have been embarrassed that she had caught me in such a…compromising position. But I couldn't be…my need was so fierce…all I felt was desire…desire for her. All thoughts of my vow, thoughts of Carlisle, erased. I groaned again as I took in her lithe form as she stood unashamedly in front of me. Her hands rose to my chest as our eyes met, my hand still wrapped around my length between us.

Bella didn't seem to mind what I was doing. Her gaze traveled to where I was touching myself and I looked too, gasping as she placed her hand over mine and began moving again, sliding her fingers up and down my length. The sensation of her hand moving with mine was amazing, but I longed to feel hers alone, so I released myself with a silent plea that she would continue.

She instinctively understood my desire and wrapped her right hand around my cock, continuing at an unbelievably, excruciatingly slow pace.

"Bella…that feels so good…oh baby." I drew her to me, pressing her nakedness flush against mine, my hardness and her hand trapped between us. The feel of her breasts on my chest was thrilling. I had longed to touch them since…well…since I last saw her in the shower. This shower. And this was the fantasy that I had imagined that night, certain then I'd never have her.

Her lips were wet with water from the shower and I placed my hands in her hair, now flowing straightly down her back in the stream, claiming her in a languorous kiss. She panted into my mouth, squirming a bit to get closer and I obliged, moving my thigh between her legs to grant her the friction she desired. Our lips and tongues moved together slowly as her hand moved up and down my turgid cock.

Suddenly, she broke from my lips and stepped back. I was almost frenzied with panic. If she left now I would surely die. But that wasn't her intention. She smiled deviously, biting her lip and releasing me from her hand and ghosting them to my sides. I couldn't believe my luck when she began a slow descent, her eyes still searching mine, questioning. Was I going to let her do this? I moaned, closing my eyes. Yes. There was no way I had the power to stop her.

Bella took my response as an affirmation and kneeled in front of me, clasping my length again in one hand as she steadied herself with her other hand on my ass. The sight of her was so incredible, I worried I'd cum before she even took me in her mouth. She looked up at me, her eyelashes misted with water from the spray, and I turned the shower head to make her more comfortable. Unable to stop myself, I thrust into her hand and she smirked.

"Bella…are you sure…"

"Shhh…Edward. I want to. I want to make you feel good."

"Oh God," I groaned as she slid my tip into her mouth. The deliberate movement was exquisite torture. With her hand she squeezed and rubbed my shaft as she licked the tip of my cock, then moved her mouth to more fully envelop me. My penis was admittedly on the large side, and her mouth was small; the feeling of suction she was creating was unbelievable.

I was vaguely aware of the guttural sounds coming from my lips, and I clenched my hands at my side to stop them from taking her head and fucking her mouth but I couldn't help the slight movement of my hips. Bella seemed to be encouraging it anyway, drawing me to her firmly with her free hand as she worked me deftly with the other.

I heard her moan quietly and felt the vibration up my cock. I felt the beginnings of my orgasm stir as she quickened her pace, taking me so deeply into her mouth I felt my head hit the back of her throat.

"God Bella." I panted, "mmm…god that feels amazing."

I couldn't tear my eyes away from the sight of my cock disappearing into her mouth and another groan rumbled from my chest.

No longer able to keep them at bay, I allowed my hands to travel to Bella's head, running my fingers through her wet hair as she moaned more loudly. She had removed her hand from my ass and I…_Oh God..._yes…she was touching herself…I could just glimpse at her fingers quickly circle her clit as she worked me in and out of her mouth. I wanted to be those fingers…to taste her…the thought had me quickly spiraling to the edge of reason.

"Bella…I'm close…Bella…I don't want…" I didn't want to cum in her mouth and I released her head, but she wouldn't let me move, holding me firmly as I felt the tightening sensation begin. She was still moving her hand over her clit, and I could tell she was getting close from her flushed face and the small mewling sounds that escaped her lips.

"I love watching you touch yourself." I couldn't help the words that came bubbling out. She smiled around my dick, looking up at me through her eyelashes. It was all I could stand.

With a groan I returned my hands to her head and pumped into her mouth, the sensation so exquisite after so many years of denial. To be here...and for it to be Bella…was too much. I shuddered as my release finally overtook me and I pulsed violently again and again.

The orgasm ripped through me and I threw my head back, knocking it against the shower wall. The pain barely registered as I panted, stilling as the intense sensation faded and Bella removed me from her mouth. I opened my eyes and looked down at her. She was smiling widely at me, clearly pleased with herself. Coming to my senses again, I helped her to rise so she didn't slip on the slick shower floor.

"That was incredible…you didn't have to…" I mumbled garbled idiocy at her…she just laughed and kept grinning, leaning forward and planting a kiss on my cheek.

This wasn't enough for me and I turned her head, softly kissing her lips. I could taste the telltale pungent saltiness there, but I didn't mind. This woman had undone me.

"But are you…okay?" I asked with a meaningful stress on the last word. I hoped she had gotten off too. She laughed again.

"I'm perfect."

"Oh…you sure?" I realized I was still staring at her naked form, finally able to take in the beauty before me after my lust-induced haze. Her skin was pale, flawless except for a couple of small moles on her stomach. I traced them with my finger. Perfect, smooth. Soft.

"Yes. Edward." I held her to me, suddenly realizing that we were still standing in the running water. How long had we been here? It was beginning to cool.

"I've gotta go…" I said, remembering Carlisle's imminent visit.

"I know." She was running her hands through my hair and I realized I hadn't washed it yet. I reached for the shampoo but she took it from me.

"Let me wash your hair."

She took a small bit of soap in her hand and began lathering it through my scalp; I had to bend a little to give her full access because of our height difference, making it a little awkward, but it felt wonderful. She ran her nails over my scalp as she massaged it; I was in heaven and sighed in contentment.

"How long's it been Edward?" Bella asked, meaning since I'd last washed my hair. I thought.

"Ummm. You don't wanna know." There was definitely a double meaning to my answer.

"That's okay. It's part of your charm. Clean hair just doesn't suit you."

So she was talking about my dirty hair. It was? I shrugged, not inclined to disagree with her. When she was finished, she turned me into the spray and I allowed her to rinse me down. It was nice, almost more intimate than her previous…ministrations.

Bella giggled and I turned to her.

"What's so funny?"

"Ummm…I was just thinking that I gave both of your 'heads' attention. You know...first I…"

I cut her off. "Got it." Bella amused me with her tendency to needlessly explain her lame jokes.

We left the shower and toweled off, and I was amazed at how relaxed and happy I felt. I hadn't felt this good in years, and it was all because of Bella. I wasn't even anxious about seeing Carlisle anymore. Whatever he had to say couldn't be that bad.

It had also made me forget Emmett's earlier comments about Bella leaving. And I was glad. I wasn't able to face that yet.

When we parted at the top of the stairs I told her I'd see her later. She was planning on doing a group hike and would be back by early evening. I wanted to go with her, but my broken rib restricted my movement.

And now it was time to face the music.

Once I was away from Bella's calming presence my nerves returned. Carlisle would be here any minute, and I decided it would be best for us to meet in the Center's office so that we'd have some privacy should things get…loud.

But I would try and control myself. By concentrating on my breathing I was able to gradually slow my heart rate.

Emmett was in the office going over some paperwork; he barely acknowledged me when I entered.

I cleared my throat.

"Surprised you're here," he said, not looking up.

"Yeah. Well. I'm full of surprises."

"Have a nice shower?"

Oh shit. So he'd heard us.

"Very."

"Well that's just great, Edward. Just fantastic."

"Emmett…what's…."

He interrupted me, glaring up from the desk where he was sitting.

"What are your intentions towards Bella?"

"Intentions? What is this, 1918?"

Before he could answer me there was a sharp rap at the door. My feet were immobilized so Emmett sighed and went to let our father in.

He stood in the doorway awkwardly, dressed as formally as he always was and holding a briefcase. I was shocked to see he had aged considerably in the months since I'd last seen him, his hair peppered with grey at the temples. He looked tired. Defeated. Something was definitely up.

"Edward. Emmett." He entered and made his way towards the sofa, setting his briefcase on the coffee table as he sat.

"Carlisle." "Dad." We rejoined in unison.

It was silent for a moment. Then Carlisle turned his gaze to me.

"Edward. Emmett says you've been having dreams again. Is this true?"

I did what I had to in the situation. I lied. "Nope."

He pressed on. "And you've been in fights?"

"_A_ fight. And the guy deserved it."

"Flashbacks?"

That one I couldn't really deny…I said nothing.

"Edward, I know you're not being truthful."

"And so what if I'm not, Carlisle? What are you gonna do? Get the men in white coats to come and take me away?"

He took the blow with passivity, a reaction that only made me angrier.

"That was only…"

"For my own good. Right. I get it."

Emmett was standing next to our father with his hand on his shoulder glaring at me. I guess this wasn't going as he'd hoped.

Carlisle raked his hand through his hair, a gesture I'd been told I inherited from him. He sighed.

"Listen. I didn't come here to argue. I'm not finished with this conversation yet." Hmmph. His words echoed Emmett's earlier threat. I was beginning to feel like a chastised child.

"So what did you come for Carlisle?"

"I have some things to tell you, Edward. And I didn't want to do it on the phone."

"Why? Afraid I'll fly off the handle?"

"Perhaps."

"Well, out with it then. Let's get the show on the road."

He cleared his throat. I certainly wasn't expecting the words that came out of his mouth.

"Billy died."

I felt the ground drop out from under me as the blood drained from my face. He was sick, I knew it…but how? How could he not be here anymore? I slid down the wall I was leaning against until I was seated on the ground, my mind still trying to wrap around the devastating news.

"When?" I whispered.

"Last week. He went quietly. There was no pain."

"With Leah and Seth?"

"Yes. He died at their home."

Now his haggard appearance made sense. Though Billy had disappeared after Jacob's death, Carlisle always considered him his best friend. They had grown up together, just like Jake and me. This thought made me regret my earlier behavior.

"At least he's at peace." Emmett said. "No more suffering….He's with Jake."

My eyes blurred and I felt something wet and warm on my hand.

Carlisle sighed.

"There's more. I'm acting as the executor for Billy's will. He didn't have much…but what he did have he left to you, Edward."

What? Why? I raised my head and focused on Carlisle.

"Mostly, it's some books, some photos…there's a bit of money. And Jacob's old motorcycle."

Jake's bike? It still existed? I had been certain they'd sold it years ago…it was his pride and joy. He'd spent an entire summer building it—it had started as scrap metal and ended up…pretty amazing, really. Jake was always good with his hands. I remembered when he had first finished it, he had immediately driven over to Leah's, certain he'd dazzle her with his industriousness. He had.

My throat felt constricted and dry as I stared blankly ahead, letting the memory wash over me.

"And one other thing. A letter."

"Billy wrote me a letter?"

"No. Jake did."

"What?" I said dumbly.

Carlisle bent forward, unlatching his briefcase and drawing out a faded yellow envelope. He stood up and approached me, holding it extended in his hand. My hands were shaking as I took the letter and glanced at the writing. "Edward" it read. Jake's handwriting. When had he had written me a letter?

"Billy told me…just before he died…that Jacob wrote this letter to you after your enlisted but before you shipped out. Jacob told him only to give it to you…if something…happened to him. Billy wanted to give it to you before, but he was holding onto it…holding onto Jake, I think. He insisted I give it to you now."

My hands trembled as I held the letter. Should I read it? I had to.

"Can you just…"

"Yes…we'll give you some privacy," he said, standing. "Emmett?"

Emmett nodded and followed Carlisle out the door. I didn't see them go, my eyes still focused on the letter. Once I heard the door shut, I slid my finger under the sealed lip, moving cautiously so as not to tear the fragile paper.

Inside was a short note, scribbled in Jake's unwieldy hand.

_Edward,_

_If you're reading this, and I hope you're not, cause that means I wasn't so lucky after all (ha ha), I just wanted to say hey. But in some ways I hope you are reading this. Because that means you're okay. And I'm glad._

The paper was shaking so violently I could barely read it. I blinked, trying to focus...

_I'm glad because, even if we're not really related, you're my brother. You've always been there for me, looking out for me…and I know I'm sounding a little gay here…but I fucking love you. Thanks for being my friend all these years. Doing all this crazy shit with me. I'd never have made it this far without you._

_So anyway, thanks. And if you're reading this, I hope you're happy. I hope you have a good life, full of hot women and cold beer. And fuck, I really hope you're not reading this—I hope we're home and reading this together and making fun of my sorry ass. Cause I like beer and women too._

_Anyway, take care of yourself bro. And take care of my dad._

_Your friend,_

_Jake_

I sat for a moment, numbly staring. And then I dropped the letter. I dropped it and ran.

**A/N: Thanks for reading everyone. Reviewers get to take a shower with Edward. ;)**


	15. Crane

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight; I own Yogiward.**

**A/N. Go check out the new thread for _The Cullen Sutras_ on Twilighted! See my profile for the thread link.**

**I also have a couple of recs this week:**

**_Evening The Score _by DiamondHeart78 **

**_Just Friends _by alwaysyourflightlessbird **

**They're both well written and just starting out. Give them some love**

**Chapter 15: Crane**

BPOV

After I left Edward at the stairs I nearly skipped back to my room to change for the hike. I couldn't believe the positive turn of events. Edward was opening up to me. Despite the fact that what he had told me was horrific, I was glad that he trusted me enough to tell me something he had never shared with anyone else. It might be selfish, but I wanted that piece of him, to feel that I had a connection with him that no one else did. This didn't erase the fact that Edward needed professional help, but it was a step in the right direction.

And he had let me touch him the way I had let him touch me. He hadn't pulled away this time. Perhaps it had been foolish of me, but I had wanted to do something to help him to relax before his tense meeting with Carlisle. And I was rewarded by the knowledge that it had been more than just an empty sexual gesture. The way he had looked at me, full of reverence, perhaps…something more…I had felt cherished. And just the sight of Edward's pleasure, his head thrown back in blissful release, had been enough to put me over the edge, though he had worried that I was unsatisfied. Our connection was strong, and it was mutual. For the first time since we'd met, I felt confident in this.

I worried, though, about Edward's commitment to abstinence. I still didn't know the underlying reason for this choice, and I wasn't quite sure how he felt about it now. Would he feel guilty for breaking his vow and pull back from me? Perhaps it had been foolish of me to be intimate with him before I knew how far he was willing to go. He had said he would "try" for me…but we hadn't exactly discussed the resonance of that word. Of course, it wasn't just about the potential for sex…but I knew that sooner or later we would have to address this issue if we were to move forward.

Now he was meeting his father, and I was nervous for him. Emmett had sounded very serious when he knocked on Edward's door, and I knew that Edward was unnerved about the meeting though he had tried to conceal his anxiety. The timing of Carlisle's visit indicated that it had something to do with yesterday's fight and Edward's heightened PTSD symptoms. I hoped that Carlisle might have some luck breaking through to Edward; he was a psychologist, after all. Yet during our conversation about Jake, Edward had expressed a disdain for psychiatry obviously due to negative personal experience, and so I doubted that any overt approach to get him help would be effective. More than this, Edward didn't seem to trust his father…I had a hunch there was something else that had happened between them that he was still hiding.

My feelings of anxiety for Edward increased, and I decided to pop downstairs to check on him before joining the others.

When I reached the foyer, I was met with a very concerned and confused looking Emmett and an attractive older man in a suit, who I assumed was Carlisle. They were engaged in a heated discussion; Emmett was gesturing wildly and the man I presumed to be his father was shaking his head. I was clearly interrupting a private conversation, and I held back for a minute, unsure of whether I should make my presence known.

Emmett saw me, rendering this decision necessary. He held up his hand to Carlisle and gestured to me to join them.

"Bella. Have you seen Edward?"

Now I was alarmed. "No…I thought he was with you?"

"He was. He's gone. Do you have any idea where he could be?"

"What? What happened Em?" I had left him not twenty minutes ago. How had things devolved so quickly?

Emmett looked chagrined as he filled me in about the meeting with Carlisle, the news of Billy's death and will and then finally, the letter.

They had left to give Edward some privacy to read it, but when they came back five minutes later, Edward was gone. I stood dumbstruck in the hall, dread overwhelming me. Whatever that letter had said had set something off. I knew we had to find him, and soon.

"Emmett, what did the letter say?"

"I don't know…I didn't see it…"

Carlisle cleared his throat, joining us at the foot of the stairs.

"Hello." He extended his hand. "You must be Bella. Emmett has told me so much about you."

I shook his hand, finally taking in the appearance of the man before me. It was shocking how alike Edward he was; his hair was lighter, but they had the same green eyes. Carlisle's had slight crow's feet, but it was quite obvious they were father and son. His formal attire stood out strangely on such an early morning family visit. He was polite, proper, but despite these vestiges of professionalism, Carlisle was clearly troubled. I felt a moment's pity for him.

But I was still focused on Edward. I knew he needed help, and he needed it now.

"Where did you meet?" I asked.

"In the office. I…"

Not bothering to wait for Emmett's explanation, I pushed past the two men and made my way quickly down the hall to the door that was still ajar. Emmett and Carlisle entered behind me as I scanned the floor, searching for what I intuited would be there…

Finally, I spotted it—a crumpled paper in the corner of the room, almost hidden by the filing cabinet. I snatched it up and scanned it, heedless of the invasion of privacy, and began reading.

Oh God. Oh God. I started shaking as the weight of the words sunk in.

Only hours before Edward had confessed his feelings of guilt over his role in his friend's death, and now Jake was speaking as if from beyond the grave. The irony of the note was astounding "… _I wasn't so lucky after all… you're my brother… always been there for me, looking out for me… I'd never have made it this far without you_…"

This letter would have confirmed all of Edward's deepest fears and heightened his guilt, not alleviated it! Perhaps if he had been in a different frame of mind it might have brought comfort, but in the context of what had happened over the last few days, I knew that this was the last thing that Edward needed to read. I couldn't believe Carlisle had given it to him, despite the fact that Edward clearly wasn't doing well. Some psychologist he is.

I scoffed, holding out the letter to Em and turning on his father.

"I can't believe…you let him read this," I hissed through clenched teeth.

"Shit." Emmett groaned from behind me as he read the contents of the letter.

"Give it to me Emmett," Carlisle said and Emmett passed it to him.

We couldn't waste more time. "Where were you when Edward was in here?"

"In the sitting room," Emmett replied dejectedly.

In the front. So if they hadn't seen him, Edward must have gone out the back door. I cringed when I thought of his hurt side…he couldn't have gotten far.

I brought my attention back to Carlisle. His face grew increasingly alarmed as he read, and I almost laughed. What had he expected?

"Listen. I'm going to find Edward. I hope you're happy." I was no longer able to hold back my anger. "What are you trying to do to him?"

Carlisle blinked at me in disbelief. "Help him, of course."

"By giving him this…the state he's been in? You must be out of your mind." I knew I was being disrespectful to someone I barely knew, and Edward's father nonetheless, but I didn't care. Even if he hadn't meant to hurt Edward, I was shocked by his thoughtlessness. He clearly hadn't given any consideration to Edward's feelings at all. He should have waited…waited until Edward was more stable and could handle this. That surely wasn't the case now.

There was no more time to waste and I pushed past them again towards the back door. Emmett called out for me but I had already broken into a run. The group I was supposed to be hiking with was waiting for me, and I noticed Garrett was among them. I was glad I wasn't going after all. They were huddled in a group, talking quietly.

But perhaps someone had seen Edward? I reeled around, deciding it was better to question them than to run blindly…Garrett noticed my approach and eyed me warily. I knew I should probably speak with him, but now wasn't the time.

Bree and another girl I recognized were there, as well as Irina. I halted in front of them, addressing my question to Bree, who looked confused by my appearance.

"Have you seen Edward?" I asked her.

"No." Irina replied just as Bree announced, "Yes." I glared at Irina,

"He was here just a few minutes ago" Bree said. "He was looking for you." My heart thumped in my chest at this revelation.

"Where did he go?"

"When he saw you weren't here he left; he was walking fast but he didn't look good. I think he went that way…there's a trail over there…I think." Bree gestured to the right, indicating a faint break in the brush that I had never seen before. She came forward, whispering in my ear while Irina glared at us… "Irina told him you were with Garrett."

"WHAT!" I turned on Irina in a fury. She looked at me like a wide-eyed innocent, but I could tell her disbelief was an act.

"I had just assumed, sweetie. I knew you two have been quite…close lately," she drawled in her annoying way, gesturing towards Garrett.

"Bella…I…" Garrett said, coming forward. I ignored him.

Bree interrupted. "Garrett wasn't here, obviously, when Edward was. He didn't know what Irina told him."

Well that didn't matter now, did it? The only thing that mattered was where Edward was, and where he thought I was. And I knew that belief would crush him.

"You bitch," I stepped towards Irina, not the least intimidated by her. "Edward will never want you." Her treachery was astounding; I couldn't believe that someone would be so desperate to make up a lie that would obviously be easily disproved. "You make me sick," I spat.

She tried to respond but I was already gone, sprinting towards the trailhead. I needed to find him. NOW.

When I reached the path I realized it was a much less traveled trail than I was used to; I could barely make out which way to go because of the overgrowth. I pressed on, though, holding my hands up to protect my face against the small branches that criss-crossed in front of me, and was encouraged when I noticed several that were broken. I wasn't much of a tracker, but this seemed to indicate that Edward had been here not long before. I hoped I could catch up with him before I lost his trail, but it was nearly impossible to hurry with all of the growth and rocky footing. How had he made it so far and so fast with his rib broken?

I tired to focus on what I would say when I found him; how would he react to my presence? Did he believe Irina's lies? I knew he wouldn't hurt me…he had been looking for me, after all. I had to make him see that I hadn't been with Garrett.

The scene with Irina made my blood boil. It had taken every once of my resolve not to slap that southern smirk off her face, but I pushed those thoughts aside to focus on the barely visible path in front of me. Where could it possibly lead?

As I followed the trail, I couldn't help but think of my own father…how different he was from Carlisle. Though I barely knew him, his demeanor had been so aloof…not at all like a father should be towards a son, especially a son in pain. My heart broke for Edward and for his father, but I felt grateful to have a dad like Charlie. Even if we had often butted heads, we had never let our disagreements affect our relationship. For instance, he hadn't exactly been happy about me coming to the Center for three weeks and putting my job search on hold, but he had eventually understood that I had to be there…for Rose.

The underbrush was becoming increasingly thick and heavy, and I was worried that I had lost Edward's trail. The incline was increasing as well, making it difficult for me to maintain a brisk pace. It seemed like the path would never end, that I would never catch up with Edward.

Finally there was a break in the brush. The overhead trees thinned a bit and I could see more light ahead. Soon, I found myself in an open expanse of wheat colored grass spotted with brilliantly colored chartreuse and orange wild flowers that I didn't recognize. My breath hitched as I took in the beauty of the scene before me, but I was instantly chagrined that this meant it would be almost impossible for me to pick up Edward's trail again. I sighed in frustration as I scanned the meadow, looking for any indication of the path's continuation.

Then, I saw him.

He was sitting a few meters from where I stood with his back to me, his cream-colored shirt and wild bronze hair serving as camouflage in the gently waving grass. He was so still, I wasn't sure if he heard me as I approached cautiously, not wanting to alarm him.

EPOV

When I left the Center through the back door, I didn't know where I was headed. I knew I had to get out of there, away from Emmett and Carlisle. But more than anything, I wanted Bella.

I noticed that Bree and Irina were standing nearby, and I remembered that Bella was planning on hiking with them that morning. Ignoring the pain that seared my side with each pace, I jogged over to them intent on asking if either had seen her.

Irina's response to my inquiry left me reeling.

"I saw her a few minutes ago with Garrett, Edward," she said somewhat sadly. I looked at her, and then Bree, in disbelief. Bree shrugged her shoulders; she hadn't seen Bella that morning.

"Are you sure?" I demanded angrily. No. It couldn't be. Bella wouldn't be so faithless as to go off with my rival just minutes after our shower…after everything I'd told her… But Irina looked me straight in the eye—she sounded so sincere. Could she be telling the truth? Neither of them were here…where were they? I knew Irina was…interested in me, and something inside warned me against readily believing her.

"I saw them just after breakfast, hon. They decided to go on a walk…alone. Garrett was apologizing for yesterday. He was so sorry about the misunderstanding…she looked pretty happy, really." Her voice was laced with pity. Was it true? I stood dumbly, unable to process the emotions that washed over me. It couldn't be.

I turned from them, ignoring Irina as she called after me. Bella. Garrett? After all that had happened? The unwanted kiss? The fight? My mind was a jumble…it didn't make sense for Bella to be with him. But why would Irina lie? Bree hadn't seen them. But I remembered Emmett's words…Bella would be leaving. All of my doubts returned. Why would a woman like Bella want me?

I willed my mind silent as I retraced the steps I had made earlier that week to the meadow in the forest. I had imagined Bella there with me, but now those thoughts brought nothing but pain. It was too much…Billy…the letter…now this…too much.

No. No. No. No.

Reaching the now familiar clearing, I sank to my knees. Jacob. Bella. I was vaguely aware that my side was tender and throbbing…

_Caius stands over me. There is blood on my hands. Blood that won't wash away…_

_A sharp stabbing pain as I am kicked in the ribs….an audible crack. I gasp for breath, tasting blood on my lips as a searing pain in my side overwhelms me, nearly leaving me unconscious. But I fight through the pain. He will not defeat me._

_I'm surprised it is Caius here and not one of his henchmen from VOLTOR._

_Henchmen like me._

_Cullen. We'll be watching you. We have eyes all over the world. We would hate for something to happen to you or your loved ones…that would be a shame. A pity._

_I gasp for breath, working up enough bloodied saliva to spit on his shoe, glistening black leather in front of my face._

_He swiftly kicks my side again. Another rib cracks._

_I mean what I say Cullen. We have eyes. We have our way._

BPOV

Edward was staring straight ahead as I approached. From a distance he looked meditative, sitting cross-legged in a pose of serenity.

But as I got closer I saw that his eyes were anything but peaceful…they were dark, devoid of emotion…he seemed lost, far away, not comprehending the scene in front of him. He was trembling.

"Edward?" I asked, crouching down next to him. He wouldn't meet my gaze. Did he even know I was there?

"Edward?" I said again, tentatively reaching out to touch his leg. His mind was somewhere else…was he having a flashback? His trembling increased, and his eyes were unfocused. I felt the panic rise in my chest…I felt helpless. What could I do to help him?

I let out a sob as my hand met with his shaking body.

His eyes snapped to mine. Now they were clear.

"Don't. Touch. Me." His voice was low, menacing. I realized with a sinking feeling that he had actually believed Irina.

"Edward. It isn't true."

"Where were you?" The question was accusatory.

"I was looking for you. I was worried," I said softly. "I went to the office and I ran into Carlisle and Emmett. Irina lied to you. There's nothing between Garrett and I. How could you possibly believe that, Edward?" I was hurt that he had been so quick to think badly of me after what had happened that morning between us. But another part of me realized that it was the strain of the day impairing his judgment. Still, it stung.

He said nothing, looking away. Was I getting through to him?

"I read the letter." I confessed.

"What?" He turned to me again. I couldn't tell if he was angry.

"Jake's letter. I found it in the office after you left. I knew I had to find you."

He let out a shuddering sigh; I could feel the tension radiating off of him. But even in this state, there was palpable electricity that moved between his body and mine. I reached out my hand to touch him again.. This time he didn't object; in fact, he seemed to welcome it.

"I'm so tired, Bella."

"I know, baby. I'm so sorry about Billy. He meant a lot to you…didn't he?"

Edward nodded, swallowing deeply. "Yes."

We sat there for a long time in silence. After a while, Edward moved to lie on his back, groaning with the effort. He pulled my hand, urging me to lie beside him and I complied, my hair fanning out on the grass between us. He looked at me sadly.

"I imagined you here, like this."

"Have you been here before?" My voice was barely a whisper.

"Yes…on…that day…with Rose…"

"The day at the watering hole? This is where you came?"

He nodded. It made sense. It was a beautiful peaceful place, a good antidote for the thoughts that plagued him.

"Do you believe me, Edward?"

He nodded, understanding my meaning. "Yes. I'm sorry I doubted you."

"You shouldn't have."

"I won't. Ever again." He pulled me closer to him, encouraging my head to nestle in the crook of his arm as he kissed my temple. I sighed against his warm body, allowing my form to mold to his, the closeness igniting the now familiar tingling sensation. We fit together naturally. It felt right.

He spoke again. "I haven't…trusted…in a long time, Bella. It's almost like a foreign emotion to me. Forgive me."

"I do." I paused, not sure if I should ask my next question. "Are you mad I read the letter?" I didn't want to push him, but I thought I'd give him an opportunity to talk about it if he wanted.

"No. I'm not."

"Do you…want to talk about it?"

He said nothing, his lips ghosting on my forehead softly as we lay.

Finally, he answered. "It was so Jake. It was like he was in the room with me…it was unreal, Bella." Edward's voice was faint, only a whisper in my ear. "It's like he knew what would happen…"

"He wanted to bring you peace."

His voice turned hard. "Or haunt me."

Edward moved, indicating he wanted to rise. I moved away from his side as he sat up with effort; he was agitated again, his hands raking through his already unkempt hair.

"At first…when I read it, I was sick from the guilt. The same fucking guilt. He thought I was his protector. His fucking brother. He fucking loved me.

"But you know what, Bella? You know what really pisses me the fuck off? Carlisle was fucking right. It was a fucking waste. A waste of life. And it was Jake; it was Jake who wanted to go to Iraq. And none of THIS," he gestured wildly, indicating himself with a sweep of his hand, "would have fucking happened if he didn't want to go. If I didn't go with him. And Jake would still be alive.

"And in that moment, that moment when I read that fucking letter," his voice dropped lower, becoming pained, "I hated him."

Edward's words shocked me; I didn't know what to say, how to comfort him. He was finally feeling something other than guilt for Jacob's death…but was this a good thing…or not?

I did the only thing I knew how in the situation, I caressed him, bringing his head to my shoulder as he shuddered.

"I fucking hated him Bella. My best friend. I fucking hated him." His words were uttered in hot breath against my neck.

"Shhhhh," I whispered.

"I just want to be normal again. Do things normal people do. But I can't. And I won't ever be, Bella."

"Normal's over-rated," I ventured. Then another thought crossed my mind. "I never would have met you."

"What?" he asked, not understanding my non sequitur.

"If you hadn't gone to Iraq. I never would have met you. You would have gone to college, become some hot-shot doctor; you wouldn't have given me the time of day." I imagined Edward in his scrubs, hot nurses swooning over his every move and I almost giggled. He would look amazing in scrubs.

He scoffed. "Believe me, Bella, I would have."

"No. We never would have met." I reaffirmed. "So something good has come out of this…hasn't it?" I didn't want to discount Edward's feelings, but at the same time I didn't want to imagine a life where he didn't exist…or worse yet, where he did exist but I didn't know him. The loneliness. My life unfulfilled, looking for my other half, just out of my reach.

"It's good for me," he admitted.

"It's good for me too, Edward."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that."

I looked at him seriously. "Stop it. Stop saying things like that. You have to trust me on this one, okay? I don't appreciate you constantly contradicting my feelings."

He seemed chastised. "I'm sorry."

"Please, Edward. Just tell me. I know there's more to it that you're not telling me. Maybe if you just…"

"Bella. Please. Please drop this," his voice was strained. "I don't know what you think there is to tell, but you need to stop asking me these questions."

"But I…"

"Bella…" Edward growled my name, silencing me with a hard kiss. His mouth worked forcefully against mine, his jaw muscles tight under my hand as I stroked his face, bringing him closer to me. I couldn't get close enough to him as our tongues dueled, and I angled my head to allow him further access. Edward broke the kiss, turning my head to taste my ear, my neck, and the swell of my breasts spilling from the top of my tight tank. His eyes were clouded with lust as I palmed his face, bringing him back to me. The feel of the stubble under my hand was so strangely erotic, his masculine scent filling my lungs with each inhale. I would never have enough of him…and I wanted him. I wanted him now.

"Edward…" I whispered, feeling for the growing hardness under his shorts with my hand. His length was thrilling, had tasted so good. I couldn't wait for him to be inside of me. "Please…please…" I panted, writing against him. "I want to feel you. All of you." I tugged uselessly at his shirt, as he was now lying on top of me, pinning me to the ground.

He groaned, thrusting his hips to meet mine. "God, Bella, what are you doing to me?"

"Mmmmm" I hummed through our kissing, loving his taste in my mouth. "Edward. Please. Make love to me." I pulled him closer, my passion making me forget about his injury until I grazed his side with my hand and heard his stifled gasp.

I immediately stilled and Edward pulled away with a moan.

He lay on his back, his breathing gradually returning to normal. I had said too much…pushed him too soon.

"I'm sorry…" I said… "You're in pain…we need to get you back, get you some medicine."

"I don't want the meds."

"Why? Edward, you're clearly hurting." I held back my tears. He had taken them last night just to placate me.

He laughed mirthlessly. "Let's just say…bad experience."

I nodded, not wanting to press my luck. I was still reeling from our kissing…I kept letting myself get carried away. His proximity addled my brain, switching off the "reason" button in my head, and I was annoyed with myself for being such a horny slut.

On the one hand I knew it was his rib that prevented us from going further, but I couldn't help but fear that he was pulling away again for other, more profound reasons.

As if sensing my thoughts, Edward spoke.

"I don't know if…" he started. My intention was now openly stated, and his expression was conflicted. My breath hitched, and my face must have registered my alarm as I waited for the axe to fall.

"Don't…we aren't…." I garbled. The reality was too painful and I couldn't get the words out.

He turned and smiled down at me, the hunger still clear in his eyes. "I was going to say…I don't know if this is the right spot…or time…for that."

"Oh." I muttered dumbly, relief washing over me. My body was telling me it was the EXACT right place and time. But my mind knew Edward was right.

He stroked my cheek. "You deserve more than a quick fuck on the ground, Bella. I want us to take our time with each other. I want it to be…" he smiled sheepishly "special."

I had almost forgotten that the man hadn't had sex in over five years. I smiled up at him, still a little uncertain.

"You're not…having second thoughts…about this? Us?"

"No, Bella. I want to make love with you. And I will. Just not here."

"I guess I can live with that," I said, sitting up and adjusting my top, which had become a bit…disheveled during our fevered embrace. "But damn, Mr. Cullen. I hope you're worth waiting for," I joked.

He smiled at me, and I thought I detected a hint of a blush. "I hope so too."

_In a room in Afghanistan the phone rings. A short, squat, yet powerful man answers._

_"General, Cullen's close to cracking."_

_"Make sure he doesn't."_

_"And how do would you like me to do that?"_

_"As long as you keep him quiet, use any means necessary."_

**AN: I wanted to thank some readers who have gone above and beyond to help get my story recognition. I am so grateful for all of you.**

**DiamondHeart78: she's my beta and what can I say? She's the very best. Lolypop82 for making my awesome banner. Jjuliebee and DeeDreamer for their support of TCS on Twitter and on other sites, angyl22 for the rec of TCS on her story _The Heroin Lullabies_; Hippie star, Linn, LondonGoth—your reviews make me smile. And to the many others who've given my story love. Thanks so much. XOX. **


	16. Bridge

**A/N: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight; I own the words below. **

**Thanks to my kick-ass beta DiamondHeart78! And to Lolypop82 for my new Yogiward pic, which you can check out on my profile or here: /24hta4**

**She'll be hosting a Twitter #readalong for TCS on Monday, July 19****th**** at 8:00, so join us and encourage your friends to as well! But first follow me Magnolia822 :)**

**Also, don't forget to check out the thread for TCS on Twilighted: .?f=44&t=10752**

**Chapter 16: Bridge**

EPOV

In a near reversal of the evening when Bella had cut her hand, we made our way back to the Center slowly, as my progress was impeded by the strain I had put on my injured body. We were mainly silent on the walk, lost in our own thoughts, but it was comfortable.

I couldn't believe that she had found me…and I was grateful, shuddering as I remembered the visceral reality of the flashback that she had interrupted. It must have been the pain in my side that triggered it—a pain that reminded me of that other, more brutal beating at the hands of the man I had once pledged allegiance to.

As soon as she called me from within myself, I had known that what Irina had said wasn't true. But still I snapped at her, accused her; even then she had understood. I knew I had hurt her feelings though, and I vowed to make it up to her somehow.

Bella walked by my side, allowing me to lean a bit of my weight onto her slight shoulders as we forged the overgrown path. The throbbing that began from my rib was fanning out down my torso and up my arm, and I knew I had probably made the situation worse by exerting myself. Yet through the pain I felt the heat of her body, the smoothness of her arm under my hand. I couldn't stop replaying our kiss in my head and what she had said…what I had agreed to. What had started as my attempt to quiet her inquisition had quickly developed into an overwhelming desire to have her, fuck her, right there on the ground. I had never wanted anything so badly in my life, except maybe to have Jacob back. But the pain in my side had brought back my reason…I didn't want to fuck her. Not there. Not on the ground. She was much too special for that.

There was no way I could resist Bella. I didn't want to. God…her look in the shower as she took me in her mouth. The thought of actually being inside her…and I would do it too. I would break the vow that had provided me with some semblance of sanity all of these years. My need for her had overpowered the need I had to chastise myself, and she was now the calm I seeked.

I was still shaken by the events of the afternoon…the words I had read in Jake's letter echoed in my mind. But I wasn't as overwhelmed as I had been initially. It had felt…good…to talk to Bella. Strange, after all of these years, this had been the first time I'd ever come close to blaming him…to being angry…no, furious with him for the way our lives had turned out.

It had also made me realize how much I missed him. The letter conjured his voice in my mind; I could imagine him speaking the words. Jake. And I was instantly chagrined with myself for even thinking about hating my best friend.

Now we were returning, and I knew I'd have to face Carlisle and Emmett and, of course, Irina.

As we approached the Center Bella seemed to feel my reticence, her own body stiffening as mine did. Christ, she probably thought I was completely crazy. And yet she was still here.

"Funny," she said, breaking the quiet, "I thought yoga retreats were supposed to be relaxing."

I couldn't help but chuckle. "Obviously you've never been to one here before. They're downright riveting."

"Apparently."

"Bella, I know this isn't what you expected. I'm sorry to put you in the middle of all of this…my crazy life." I knew she was joking, but I felt the need to apologize.

But she wasn't going to let me go there. "Oh, please. This is the most excitement I've had in years. Way better than Reality TV."

It didn't change what had happened or what was to come, but her lightness relaxed me.

When we entered I could hear Carlisle and Emmett in the office. I was tempted to just pass by and retreat to my room, but I knew that Carlisle probably wouldn't leave until he saw me again. Bella released herself from my hold.

"I'll just…go upstairs," she hedged.

"No. Stay. Please." I pulled her back to my side.

"I don't know, Edward. You've probably got a lot to say to your father…I don't want to intrude."

"You aren't. Not if I want you there."

"Okaaay. I feel weird though. I kinda told him off," she furtively whispered.

"Really?" I looked at her quizzically and she shrugged.

"Yeah. And then I maybe kinda told Irina off…" I couldn't mask the surprise on my face as she explained. "I was on a role."

I chuckled at her again, pulling her close and kissing her forehead. "I wish I could have seen that."

"You still might be able to. I'm not done with her yet."

"I'll ask her to leave."

Bella shifted in my embrace. "No, I mean, it's okay. I couldn't make you do that."

"You want her to stay?"

"Actually, no, honestly. But I don't want to put you out. I know she paid a lot of money to be here."

"The money doesn't matter Bella."

I inhaled deeply as I held her to me, her small frame neatly tucked under my chin. The thought of this woman standing up for me filled me with a strange emotion. I hadn't had someone on my side in a while.

It was time to deal with Carlisle. Bella still seemed unsure about coming in but I persisted, and we entered together, interrupting the conversation midstream.

Carlisle let out a gusty sigh and Emmett looked relieved.

"Edward," Carlisle spoke. "We were worried about you."

"Yeah, well, I was with Bella." I clasped her hand tightly in mine.

"Oh." Carlisle's eyes darted to our hands.

There was an awkward silence. I searched for something to say, but came up with nothing.

Bella did. "I want to apologize for my earlier behavior, Dr. Cullen. That wasn't like me. I was worried about Edward."

"That's quite all right, Bella. And please, call me Carlisle," he replied. "I didn't think through…the possibilities…of what might happen." He spoke at the room, not making eye contact with any of us.

"We shouldn't have let you read it, bro." Emmett said.

I scoffed. Maybe not. But I didn't like them treating me like a head case.

"Edward. I think it will be best if you willingly resume therapy. Not with me, of course, but I do have a wonderful referral…his name is Eleazar Garcia, and he's a specialist in dealing with…war trauma. The best of the best. His schedule is busy but he's a good friend. I've made you an appointment…"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How dare he make decisions without my input?

After months of not speaking, he thought he could walk in here and tell me how to live my life?

"Forget it Carlisle."

"You're going to the appointment, Edward. Or…"

"Or what, Carlisle? You gonna force me? Lock me up again? Tie me down and drag me away like last time? No fucking way."

"Edward…I"

"No. Just save it. I'm not fucking going." Bella looked alarmed, but I couldn't help my reaction. It was just like Carlisle to pass me off to someone else.

"Please. Let me finish. What happened last time was a mistake. We should have found another way, and I'm sorry that we didn't."

His admission floored me. He had never apologized before for having me committed. He had told me then, and continued to insist it was "for my own good." Yes, I had been self-destructive. The drinking was out of control. Yes, I had been violent. But I had never forgiven him for going behind my back, having them take me away like I was some…animal. Little did I know then that yoga, the only treatment that worked for me at the rehabilitation center where I was sent, was his idea, a last resort when no other traditional techniques were effective.

I would never have done it had I known it was his idea. But later, once I found out the truth, it had already become an entrenched part of my life. I had been secretly grateful that something, anything, had worked, but I never would have told him that.

I didn't speak with him for months after I was released, and then only because my mother pleaded with me.

I could sense Bella's confusion as she stood next to me, looking between us with dawning realization. I didn't want her to find out the truth about me this way…as of yet I had only told her half-truths about my early days back from Iraq. I was afraid that if I told her how I'd been hospitalized, she'd know the full extent of my illness and she would reconsider her involvement, or whatever it was, with me.

To go to therapy would be a fruitless, even if I did want to go. I knew I could never be completely honest with anyone: family, therapist…or Bella, for that matter. I had no idea if Caius even knew where I was, but I didn't doubt his words of warning to me. Panic consumed me as I glanced down at Bella's small hand clasped tightly in my own. I couldn't risk endangering her. Caius's influence was far-reaching, and anyone who had double-crossed him hadn't met a…happy ending.

I barely even let _myself _think of what had happened all of those years ago. There was nothing that could repair this blackness, this dark hole inside. It had to remain hidden at all costs.

"Bella," I said, turning to her. She gripped my hand more tightly. "Can you wait for me upstairs?"

"I was going to go check on Rose anyway." She said, giving me a squeeze and leaving me with Carlisle and Emmett.

I was still trying to process what Carlisle had said. He was admitting his fault? After all these years?

He looked at me, his face pained. I felt the need to reaffirm what I had thought I heard.

"You're saying you're sorry. After all these years?" I couldn't help the contempt in my voice. "You admit you were fucking wrong?"

"Yes. I do."

"Then why the fuck are you interfering with my life now?"

"Edward." He looked at me seriously. "What is going on with that girl?"

"Her name is Bella," I gritted.

"Yes. Bella. I know. Son…are you involved with her?"

I had to laugh. "Why does it matter to you?"

"Because I'm your father. I know your history. And I know how the symptoms of PTSD affect relationships." He ran his hands through his hair. "I know that there's something between the two of you. I'm…glad…that you're reconsidering your…commitment to…your lifestyle." Talking about my choice had always made Carlisle uncomfortable. "But, if you're serious about perusing a relationship with someone…it's important for you to be ready for it. Relationships require honesty. And trust. Are you ready for that, Edward?"

His words annoyed me because they rang true. Carlisle had the uncanny ability of identifying my deepest fears.

"What I'm not ready for is this…" I said, gesturing between us. I still couldn't believe he had apologized…I needed time to think, to go over the events of the day.

"Please consider it, Edward. Eleazar is renowned in his field, and he's one of the most trustworthy people I know."

I nodded, not wanting to prolong the argument.

Carlisle looked relieved. "Good. I'll call in a couple of days." He turned to retrieve the briefcase on the table. I suddenly remembered Jake's letter and the will.

I turned around, trying to locate it on the floor where I had dropped the crumpled sheet, but then recalled Bella saying she had read it…so must have everyone else. Emmett noticed my search and held it out to me; he had done his best to smooth the paper.

"I thought you might want to keep this." He said hesitantly.

"Thanks," I said gruffly as I took it, folding it quickly and placing it in my pocket.

"And about the will…" Carlisle began… "If you don't want the things Billy left, your mother and I would be more than happy to deal with it, Edward."

Carlisle looked at me warily. He didn't think I could handle it. His response annoyed me, erasing the positive feelings I'd felt when he had apologized earlier. In his eyes, I was still a fuck up.

"No." I said firmly. "I'll go."

"Fine." He agreed. This surprised me. "I'll let Leah and Seth know you'll be by."

With that, Carlisle approached and I moved aside to allow him access to the door. But he stopped and stood immobile in front of me. I thought for a second he might try to hug me, and was relieved when he didn't.

"Edward. I know you think badly of me. But I only want what's in your best interest. Please, come by and visit your mother. She'd like to see you before the wedding."

I nodded hesitantly. "If I can."

Carlisle said his goodbyes to Emmett, who embraced him in a crushing hug. Emmett had always been more visibly affectionate with our parents than I had, but I couldn't help but feel a pang of envy at the ease of their relationship.

Once Carlisle was gone, I was left with my brother. I didn't really feel like getting into the details of what had happened, but I told him enough to give him the general idea of what Irina had said. He was almost as livid as Bella, and offered to kick her out of the Center for me, but I turned him down. That was something I wanted to do myself.

Before I left Emmett reminded me that we had a tuxedo fitting coming up in a week. Suddenly I felt guilty—I had been so self-absorbed this past week I had barely given the wedding a second thought and I was, after all, the best man.

"And I was wondering if you might…make a speech or something…during the reception." Emmett seemed embarrassed to ask, making me feel worse. "I mean…I know that we haven't exactly seen eye to eye lately…about stuff…but you're my brother and, shit, well…it would mean a lot."

"Of course...How's everything…going with that, anyway?"

"Oh, it's fine. Rose's friend Alice has been doing a lot of shit, you know, like planning, from New York—invitations, decorations and stuff. She's gonna come a few days early to help set up. I really haven't had much to do myself. Women love this wedding crap."

He was dismissive but I could tell he was really excited. I felt awkward, not really knowing how to respond. I was still angry with him for our earlier argument about Bella—as far as I was concerned it was none of his business. But I wasn't going to bring it up now if he was trying to be civil.

"So I've heard."

"Edward," he called as I turned to go.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry I called dad without telling you…but I really think…never mind." He had obviously thought better than to go on.

"It's okay." I wasn't in the mood to argue anymore.

"Cool." He smiled his big goofy grin and I shook my head. Emmett was one-of-a-kind.

Garrett was in the hallway waiting when I left the office, and I felt an overwhelming urge to pick up where we had left off the day before. Was he listening in on us? What the fuck?

Before I had time to consider this, he spoke. "Edward…listen I wanted to tell you…I heard what Irina said and, well, that sheila is mad. Bella won't even talk to me, let alone go off with me…so I just thought you should know."

This was certainly surprising, but I was immediately suspicious.

"I already know," I said, pushing past him.

"Wait up, mate." He said, catching at my arm; I yanked away before he was able to.

"I'm not you fucking mate, Garrett." I said, turning on him. "You're lucky I didn't throw you out of here yesterday. I'm still considering it."

"And I'm grateful for that. I deserved everything you said and did."

"You're damn right."

"I didn't know that you and Bella…it didn't seem…"

"Well we are. So keep your goddamn hands to yourself." He stepped away, holding his hands up in surrender. "Why the fuck are you telling me this, anyway?"

"For Bella. I know she'd want you to know the truth. And Jasper's my mate…Despite what you may think of me, I'm not that bad a guy."

"Just stay away from her, Garrett, or I will make good on my promise."

I didn't know or care if he wanted to say anything else; I was in no mood to engage with him. It did seem odd that after our fight he was willing to put himself on the line to tell me the truth…that was really the only thing that stopped me from telling him to leave the retreat.

And, as much as I hated to admit it, we did need the money that the retreat guests paid us. CCYA wasn't exactly a lucrative business, and the retreat was one of the things that kept us afloat through the year. Since I was going to request Irina leave and return her money, it was in the Center's best interest to allow Garrett to stay, despite my misgivings.

That was my next stop. I was livid that Irina had lied to me about Bella, and I knew that her staying would make Bella and I both uncomfortable. And quite frankly her obsession with me was borderline alarming. While Irina had been coming to the Center for years and was quite an advanced practitioner, she insisted on taking my beginners class. This hadn't bothered me until I had met Bella. Now, with the lies she had told, it was apparent that the woman was as vindictive as she was delusional. At least Garrett had admitted his wrong.

I hesitated before knocking at Irina's door. This wasn't going to be pleasant.

But just before my knuckle rapped the wood, the door swung open, and there Irina stood, seemingly unsurprised to see me. She smiled at me ruefully, and I noticed her luggage was packed and ready at her feet.

"I thought I'd save you the trouble, darling," she purred. "I know when I'm no longer…welcome. But I don't regret what I said…that little girl is no match for you." She eyed my body languorously; her eyes on me made my skin crawl.

"What you did was wrong, Irina."

"Hmmm…You know," she said, dismissively, "I always hoped I'd be the one to change your ways…" She ran her fingernail down my torso before I could step away. How the hell did she know about my celibacy? She must have sensed the confusion on my face.

"Oh, dear, everyone knows…it's a travesty, really. A fine specimen like you…going to waste."

So all of my students knew. Great. I would have been mortified if I wasn't so pissed off.

"Give me a call if you ever want a more _experienced_ woman," she drawled with emphasis.

"Never Irina. Not gonna happen," I said through gritted teeth. She was testing my patience.

"Well…we'll see."

"Get out," I said, my voice ice.

"Oh Edward," she called after me as I stalked down the hall, "What a way to say goodbye to an old friend."

I was seething, just wanting to be with Bella again. My side hurt and I was developing a rather excruciating headache. When I got to my room I saw that Bella had left a note saying she was having lunch with Rose and doing some stuff for the wedding and that she'd be back later that evening. I was disappointed, but I realized she couldn't spend every waking moment with me. Sinking onto my bed, I groaned as the pain hit me again. I eyed the pain meds on the nightstand. They did seem quite tempting.

It would be a few days until I could practice even the most basic yoga poses, so I decided to spend some time in meditation to calm my nerves. I sat for what must have been at least an hour employing alternate nostril breathing, a technique that required concentration and usually was effective at clearing my head. But intrusive thoughts kept entering my mind, making it impossible to concentrate. Frustrated, I groaned and gave up. My side was still throbbing.

Finally, I chose to take just one of the pills to take the edge off. Bella wouldn't be back for hours and I really didn't have anything to do until then since I was supposed to be resting. After about a half an hour, the pain began to dull and I realized how exhausted I was since I hadn't really had a full nights sleep in…well…I couldn't remember.

_The training is difficult, much harsher than basic. As part of a special regimen, we learn to tolerate pain, administered by Jane, the only female member of VOLTOR. We are told that this is necessary in case one of us is ever caught and tortured by the enemy. They are training us for silence._

_VOLuntary Terrorism Operative Rangers. An elite squadron, hand selected by General Caius himself._

_Only Marcus seems human to me. I feel sympathy in his gaze as Jane applies the pliers to my flesh. She seems to take a perverse pleasure in my suffering. Perhaps that's the reason Caius chose her for the task._

_But I'll tolerate it…I'll embrace it…if that means I can find the man responsible for killing Jacob._

_Tomorrow is our first raid. Caius has located the home of a suspected insurgent group. There is no judge here, nor jury. We will be their trial by fire._

_I grit my teeth against the pain, stifling a scream. I refuse to give her the satisfaction._

_The only sound is a quick intake of breath. I meet Marcus's eyes and he looks angry. At me or for me?_

_It doesn't matter. I'm a dead man already._

"Edward! Edward!" I awoke to the sound of an angel's voice…it sounded panicked. Was it because of me? I felt shamed for upsetting the angel.

"Edward!" The voice sounded again and I opened my eyes to behold Bella's face, her eyes wide and fearful, so close to my own. As I gradually took in my surroundings I realized I was soaked with sweat. Bella was clinging to me, wiping the sweat from my face. How long had I been asleep?

"I came in and you were having a nightmare. You were…screaming." Her eyes threatened tears and her voice was small.

"Was I? It wasn't that bad. I don't even remember," I fibbed, trying to soothe her. She was shaken and I needed to downplay the situation to stave off her questions.

"Oh, Edward. Please don't lie to me." She lay next to me but I pushed away. I was sweaty.

"Really. Bella. I'm fine. It was just a dream…I took one of those pills. I shouldn't have."

"It was really scary Edward." She wouldn't let it go. "I though I was going to have to get Emmett. You were thrashing around…you were talking."

Dread flooded my chest and I damned myself. What had she heard?

"Oh, really?" I asked.

"Who's Jane, Edward?"

Fuck. What was I supposed to tell her?

"Someone I knew in the army," I decided simple was best.

"Oh." She paused. "And were you very…close with her?"

The tone of her voice surprised me and I almost laughed at the realization that Bella thought Jane and I had been intimate, but I resisted the urge. She was cute when she was jealous.

"No. Most certainly not."

"Oh."

"What else did you hear, Bella?" I turned to her seriously. I had to know how much damage control was necessary.

"Not too much more…you did mention a man's name…Mark?"

Good. I'd let her think that was his name.

When she spoke again her voice was laced with tears. "I wish you'd talk to me, Edward. I won't judge you. There's something you're not telling me…I could help. It might help to talk about it." She sat up on the bed, scooting over to where I was and looking at me intently.

"Bella," I brushed the hair from her face. "Please."

"Today…when we were with Carlisle…you said he locked you up."

"So you heard that, huh?" Obviously. I had practically shouted it.

"Yeah."

"Bella, I don't want to burden you with my shit. It was a long time ago."

"It's not a burden. You can tell me about it…if you want."

I sighed, hesitating. This wasn't exactly part of the forbidden knowledge, but it was embarrassing to talk about. I didn't want Bella to think less of me than she already did. But she already knew I had been institutionalized, and by my own father. It was probably better if I did explain.

And so I told her everything.

About my return. My father finding me in a cheap hotel room, so drunk I couldn't stand…my mother's panic in the hospital as they pumped my stomach. My rage. How they took me against my will because my father deemed me a threat to myself. How they thought I might attempt suicide. They didn't know I had actually considered it.

The hospital. The tranquilizers. The meds. The therapy and my resistance to it.

Finding yoga. I told her how I had initially detested it—how I went through the motions so they'd let me out. I had learned to keep my anxiety and depression hidden. Anything to get out of there. But then I found it actually helped in a way that nothing else did.

What I _didn't _tell her was why. I couldn't tell her that my self-destructive impulses, my fear, my depression, came from the fact that I was forced to live with a terrible secret because if I didn't, my family would pay. That I felt I was being watched, monitored. That I was afraid I would crack and put my brother, my mother, my father, at risk.

Yoga helped me to deal with my sorrow the only way I could-alone.

"And that's why you and Carlisle…" she trailed off.

"Yeah. I guess I never forgave him."

She hesitated and I could tell there was something else she wanted to say. "But…he was trying to help you…what if he hadn't…intervened?"

I shrugged, looking away from her. I didn't want to say what I was thinking—that everyone would probably have been better off. No, I knew Bella wouldn't respond kindly to that sentiment. But now that I had told her this part of my history, I was ashamed. What would she think of me now?

"Edward. Look at me."

I hedged, still not wanting to meet her gaze and see her pity and repulsion. When I did finally look, I didn't see those things.

I saw understanding and…pride?

"Thank you for sharing this with me," she said simply.

"I know it's pretty fucked up."

"No. It's honest."_ As honest as I could be._ "And the celibacy…that part of the yoga…" She wasn't going to let this one go. I should have lied before and told her it did have to do with Jake. She would have accepted it then, but now it was too late. I decided I could tell her a half-truth.

"Detachment. From people. And it worked," I turned to her. "Until I met you."

**A/N: Thanks for reading! Some people have asked me how far along we are; we're about at the half way point, give or take a couple chapters. **

**Please review! Your reviews make Yogiward...excited. **

Expect an update next week...maybe on Monday before the #readalong.


	17. Scale

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. But she probably doesn't do yoga.**

**A/N: Thanks as always to my beauteous beta DiamondHeart78.**

**Chapter 17: Scale**

BPOV

That evening I listened silently while Edward opened up to me about his history with Carlisle and his struggle with anxiety and depression following his return from Iraq; I knew he didn't want my sympathy or my pity, recognizing how difficult it was for him to bare himself to me in this way. He was proud, and I could tell that he was embarrassed about his past, fearing I'd think less of him. To be honest, it did shock me—I hadn't known how far he had sunk after Jake's death—but more than that, I was certain that something else had driven him to such despair—something that he didn't want to share with me, yet.

As he related the story, he fought to retain control of his emotions. This struggle was visible in his face, in his gestures, the pain in his eyes, and I had to stifle the impulse to reach out and hold him, unsure if he would want me to. Despite all of my questions his story elicited, I resisted them…for the most part. But I couldn't ignore the fact that he was glossing over the reasons why he had chosen celibacy. His answer to my final inquiry was enigmatic as ever, though he indicated that part of the reason for his decision was a desire to remain detached from other people. This was something I had long suspected.

"_And it worked. Until you._" Hearing those words filled me with conflicting feelings. On the one hand I was overcome with selfish joy that it was me he desired, me who had begun to chip at the wall he had erected to close himself off from the world. But on the other, they confirmed my fear that my presence in his life was causing him such turmoil, bringing all of these issues to the surface after so many years. I didn't want to bring him pain even if that pain would be, I hoped, beneficial in the end.

Edward studiously avoided returning to the topic of his nightmare, and it was obvious it deeply troubled him.

I didn't tell him how his shouts had frightened me as I climbed the stairs to the staff quarters. At first I had thought he was awake, he was so loud, but then I entered his room I and saw him quaking on the bed, his eyes closed and his face contorted in a mask of terror. He had spoken names…Jane was the one I had definitely heard, and then there was another…Mark…Marcus? I couldn't be sure. His face had become cautious, his eyes unreadable as he temperately asked what I had heard. By his studied dismissive manner, I knew he was lying when he said he didn't remember it, and he refused to elaborate regarding his relationship to the people whose names he had spoken.

But in the end, I was so proud of Edward for opening up to the extent that he had, an emotion that I hoped I conveyed with my eyes as he looked at me fearfully, trying to gauge my reaction. He must have read me correctly, for I could see the relief beneath the pain in his eyes as he drew me to him, laying us down gently on the bed as I settled into the crook of his arm. I rubbed his side soothingly hoping to indicate with the gesture there was no way that he was a burden to me.

We talked well into the night; he told me about his conversation with Carlisle after I had left. It was clear he was still annoyed that his father had made an appointment for him to see a PTSD specialist, but though I secretly thought it was a good idea, I decided now was not the time to pressure him into going.

When he described his run-ins with Garrett and Irina, I was surprised to learn that he had allowed Garrett to stay at the retreat, though I was more than pleased that Irina was finally gone. When I asked him about their encounter, he seemed to be omitting certain details, and I was wiser than to inquire further. That she was gone was good enough, and I wasn't sure I wanted to know what she had said after all.

I felt we were making progress, and being close to him like this after such a trying day erased the earlier conversation I'd had with Rose from my mind until Edward asked me about what I had done when I'd left him and his family.

"Oh, just talked with Rose, you know, wedding stuff."

Now it was my turn for half-truths.

Since I hadn't really seen my friend since the evening before Garrett and Edward's fight, and the last heart-to-heart we had had was days before after the disastrous yoga class, she was obviously desperate for information. So much had happened in the last 36 hours it was almost unbelievable. Of course there had been the fight and the aftermath with the letter…but then there had been last night…and this morning…I grew warm thinking about waking up to the feel of Edward behind me, the feel of his hands on my head as I urged him towards his release. And now here we were in bed again…the tension between us still strong as ever…I couldn't help but hope there'd be a repeat performance, though I doubted it after our talk in the meadow.

After I left Edward I had spent some time alone practicing in studio A. I wanted to perfect my forearm stand without an assist, and really I needed some space to clear my head before I had my inevitable confrontation with Rose.

When we did finally meet up, I held her off from the topic of Edward for a while, attempting to distract her with questions about the wedding. It was a ruse that only worked for so long—there were only so many inquiries about table covers and place settings that I could muster, and there was something unrelated to her upcoming nuptials on her mind.

"So are you gonna tell me or do I have to drag it out of you?" she finally asked.

"Drag away."

"Well, for starters…you are aware that the staff shower is not exactly private, right?"

I gulped, embarrassment pinking my face when she informed me that Emmett had heard us.

"So what's this all mean, exactly?" she asked. "Are you guys like officially a couple now?"

I didn't know how to answer that question, not really being positive myself. It was clear we were _something_…we just hadn't defined it yet. I told her as much.

"And that doesn't bother you?"

It hadn't…until now.

"It seems like this has all happened pretty fast, Bells," Rose said. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" So practical, Rose always looked out for her friends' best interest when she saw us doing something she deemed reckless. Until recently, Alice had received the brunt of Rose's attention, but now it appeared my small friend and me were reversing roles.

"What Edward and I have is new, that's true. But it's real. I don't particularly feel the need to label it, so I don't know why you would," was my feeble attempt at responding to Rose's question.

"Well, Bella, because as of five days ago the man was freaking out from just kissing you, and then he spent days avoiding you until he decided he was jealous and wanted to beat up the competition." I scoffed—Garrett certainly wasn't competition as far as I was concerned. But she went on. "I'd say Edward's not exactly in a stable frame of mind to be deciding about relationships…and that goes for you too."

It annoyed me that she had a point, and that her words were chipping away at the small bit of confidence l'd recently developed in my relationship with Edward. Still, I couldn't help but think her reaction was hypocritical.

"You didn't exactly have an extended courtship with Emmett," I pointed out.

"It's not the same, Bella. Sure, it happened fast. But Emmett and I made a commitment to each other, freely and openly." She paused, "And he's not suffering from a serious mental disorder."

"Rose!" Now I was pissed off. "How dare you suggest that Edward is less worthy of love or trust because he happens to be hurting right now? If anything, he deserves more of those things, not less.

"Sure, he's going through some stuff right now, but that just confirms that it's not the time for me to pressure him into putting a label on whatever it is we are to each other. I mean, he's been living his life _celibate_ for five years, and he's only now just opening up to me. He needs time, and I'm going to give it to him.

"Anyway, haven't we already had a conversation about this? And didn't I tell you it was none of your business?" I panted, realizing I was ranting just a bit. Rose looked a little taken aback by my outburst.

"Bella, that was before you guys started taking…showers together."

I glared at her.

"Oh Bella, don't give me the stink eye." The hard line of her mouth began to soften. "But I hear what you're saying. I'm sorry you think I'm butting in…I just don't want you to get hurt if this doesn't work out."

I sighed, exasperated. "Sure, Rose, but right now it'll hurt more if I don't try."

"What about after the wedding, Bella?" Crap, she was going right where I didn't want her to go. "You'll be going back to New York, and Edward, well, Emmett's told me that Edward can't go there…he hasn't been able to go to a big city, or really anywhere with crowds, since he came back. That's one of the reasons he's holed himself up here, away from everything. He won't even go to Boston with Emmett next week for the bachelor party! Bella, he'll never be able to come to visit you—what if it's always like that? If this does go somewhere, what about your dreams, your career? Are you willing to stay here the rest of your life to be with him if that's what he wants?"

She knew exactly what she was doing; I had to hand it to her.

Not knowing how to answer these questions either, I sighed. Though I had suspected that Edward had a problem with crowded spaces, I didn't know the extent of it. There was really so much I didn't know about him.

But now, lying next to him in his bed after another epic unveiling, the anxiety my conversation with Rose had produced was greatly diminished. I snuggled closer, seeking his warmth.

"Hmmm…" he hummed into my hair. "Emmett wants me to give a speech at the reception." Did I detect a note of pride in his tone?

"That's great, Edward." He loved his brother despite the recent tension between them; I suspected that Emmett was chastising Edward just as Rose was chastising me. Those two certainly were a match made in heaven.

He was silent for a while until I realized that he was asleep. I followed soon after, both of us still in our clothes.

* * *

The next few days passed swiftly. I had agreed, under Edward's urging, to attend more retreat activities. His side still prevented him from assisting during class or doing anything too vigorous, and I knew he was frustrated and lonely in his room while I was away, but still he insisted that he was fine and that he wanted me to enjoy my time at the Center. And I found I did, despite Garrett's constant presence. He kept his promise to Edward and left me alone, but, though I did my best to ignore him, I could see him watching me sometimes in a way that left me more than a little uncomfortable.

I spent most of my free time with Edward when I wasn't doing retreat activities or helping Rose prepare with the wedding. He spoke more openly of Jake and their childhood exploits, surprising me he told me about the band—The LGR—that he and Jake had started in high school, with Jake on drums and Edward on guitar and vocals while another boy, Sam, played bass guitar. Annoyingly, he refused to enlighten me as to the meaning of the acronym, shaking his head and dismissing it as a "private joke." They had developed quite an extensive following among the females in their class, which was apparently one of the major reasons for the band's original foundation, I concluded from Edward's sheepish demeanor. I laughed and shook my head when I thought of the terror they must have caused their parents.

"Do you still play?" I asked. Thinking about Edward playing the guitar, on top of all he did so well, was enough to light my panties on fire. He nodded, going to retrieve a case from his closet and laying it on the bed. I watched raptly as he opened it and lifted the instrument with reverence. It was beautiful, its mahogany veneer clearly well cared for despite the evidence of wear on the face. "From what you said before I was expecting electric." I grinned, noting how dear the instrument was to him by the way he handled it.

He chuckled. "I do have one of those too. But I was trained on classical guitar." Edward passed it to me and I took it gingerly, never having played, or even held one before. Wanting to make him laugh, I scrunched my face as if in concentration, sliding my hand up the neck of the instrument while my right strummed several off-key notes with a flourish. Edward smiled, taking it back and sitting on the bed beside me. Concentration made his face serious, and I listened in awe as his hands began moving deftly, creating a sound so complex and beautiful I was stunned. Time seemed to stand still as his long fingers moved deliberately; I'd never seen someone play in quite that way before. The music sounded familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

When he was finished Edward turned and offered a small smile.

"That was beautiful Edward," my voice choked in my throat.

"Carlisle wanted me to learn an instrument…character building and all that. He wanted me to play piano, but I chose this instead," he gestured to the guitar. "The classical guitar is almost like the piano, so I thought that might appease him…and then I could still rock."

"I've never seen anyone play like that. What song was that?"

"Bach's 'Air.'"

I wasn't familiar with classical music but I knew enough to recognize the tune, though I had never heard it named before.

"I loved it."

He smiled widely at the praise. "I bought the electric when we started the band. We didn't think the chicks would be into baroque."

"And how was Jake at drums?" I asked.

"The best," he answered simply.

While these memories were painful for him to relate, it was clear he wanted to talk about Jake—and I knew it was a positive step for him to remember the good times they'd shared before their worlds fell apart.

Edward was eager to hear about my childhood in Forks. Though I warned him my stories were incredibly boring, he listened attentively when I told him about my dad and his obsession with fishing, how he'd go for hours at a time and then expect me to find room in the freezer for alarming amounts of large-mouthed bass.

"Sounds like Charlie would've gotten along with Billy," Edward commented.

"Definitely," I responded, giving his hand a light squeeze.

We hadn't broached the topic of sex again since the day in the meadow, but I knew it was on both of our minds.

Apart most of the day, we had taken to sleeping together in Edward's room every night. Though he didn't say it, I knew he rested more soundly when we were together, and of course I didn't mind because that's exactly where I wanted to be. We kissed often, our embraces sometimes becoming urgent, sometimes not, but Edward seemed to want us to keep our clothes on, always gently but firmly retreating when things got too intense, though his arousal was painfully obvious. The injury had something to do with it, but it was more than that too—a certain guardedness that I knew I should probably share. I was willing to take things slowly, knowing he needed time to accept the idea of allowing himself pleasure after so many years of denial.

But my desire for him also brought out a boldness…I wanted to tease him, wanted proof of his feelings for me. Sometimes, when he didn't think I was looking, I saw Edward's face as he watched me. And I did move knowingly, aware that if I angled my body just so, bent in such a way, that it would drive him crazy. One evening I returned to Edward's room after a particularly grueling class; I was sweating more than usual, the moisture causing my white tank top to cling to my body rendering certain…aspects of my anatomy…quite clear. Edward was propped up in his bed reading the _Sutras_ as I came in, his green eyes locked on my figure and instantly darkening with lust.

"Bella…" he growled, running his hand through his hair and setting the book down. His face was almost predatory as he crawled over the rumpled sheets and grabbed my arm, pulling me down to him as I squealed.

"WHAT are you wearing?" His voice was hoarse as he pinned me under him, his eyes fixated on my breasts.

"You like?" I whispered, thrilled to see him lose the control that he had regained over the last few days.

"Like is not the word. There is nothing about you I _like_, Bella," he muttered, his long fingers grazing my right nipple, which hardened fully under his touch. Bending his head, he brought his mouth to me, causing me to gasp at the sudden contact. Despite the barrier between his mouth and my body, the sensation was overwhelming and I pushed myself up into his mouth encouragingly.

"God, you wore this to class?" There was more than a hint of jealousy in his tone, and I knew he was imagining the men in the class…Garrett, specifically…ogling me.

"Ummm-hmmmm," I affirmed. It was devilish of me but I craved his jealousy, wanted him to claim me as his.

"Don't do it again." His voice was serious, low. I giggled, shrugging noncommittally.

"It appears, Ms. Swan, that I'm going to have to start attending class again. I'm not sure I approve of your wardrobe choices."

"But what about your side?" I hedged, not really wanting to protest. There was nothing I wanted more than Edward back in the yoga studio.

"There are apparently other, more pressing issues to consider," he murmured, his gaze sweeping my supine form.

"I'm all sweaty," I half-heartedly protested as he grunted dismissively, sliding the thin strap of my tank down my arm and fully freeing my breast.

"So sweet," He said lowly, bringing his mouth to my bare flesh. "Bella," sighed between kisses, "so beautiful."

"But I _am_ sweaty. I need to take a shower," I replied, squirming out from under him and readjusting my strap. Leaving him in that moment was nearly impossible, as I was as aroused from the contact as Edward was. But it was part of my plan.

He groaned in exasperation, falling back against the bed and propping his head with his hand. "I'd say you're making me crazy, but I already was before I met you."

I laughed in what I hoped was a provocative manner and left him groaning on the bed, hoping against hope that he'd join me in the shower like I had him.

He didn't.

* * *

On the following day I didn't see Edward since I had attended Jasper's _pranayama_ workshop and then had a leisurely lunch with Rose and Emmett and the other guests, expertly prepared by Laurent. The Center's garden had finally yielded a multitude of variously colored heirloom tomatoes and Laurent had created the most exquisite tomato tartine I'd ever tasted. Along with an arugula and Parmesan salad, it was one of the best things I'd had in recent memory. It made me a little sad that Edward wasn't there to share it with us, but I didn't know where he was. And even if he was around, it wasn't his policy to eat with the guests.

By the evening I was a little worried, but I had a sneaking suspicion that I might see Edward in class. My fears were replaced by pleasure when I entered studio A and saw both Jasper and Edward there to lead the session. As I unrolled my mat Edward gave me a sly wink, but his face clouded when I unzipped my tunic and unveiled another white tank top similar to the one I had worn the day before. I chose to ignore his reaction, inwardly congratulating myself for having my hunch validated.

Jasper informed us that we'd be focusing on standing postures during class, mentioning that Edward would be back performing assists. His voice seemed a bit tense, and I wondered if it had anything to do with Edward rejoining us. My eyes traveled across the room to land on Garrett; he looked more than a little uncomfortable and I really couldn't blame him. The other students threw cautious glances at one another, obviously remembering the confrontation between the two men. But Jasper quickly moved us along, putting on the _Bhangra_ trance music that he favored and beginning class.

We began by warming up through _vinyasa_ flow before launching into the more challenging poses. Concentrating on my breathing meditation was difficult when I was so aware of Edward's every move around the classroom. I felt his eyes on me though he didn't approach to assist me and I wondered if he was purposefully avoiding me. This thought was unwelcome, especially since I had worn the tank top with the intention of luring him.

I bit my lip noting how spectacular he looked tonight. He was more rested than he had been, and the snug-fitting soft grey cotton tee he wore highlighted his toned chest and arms. He caught my glances a couple of times, unspoken words moving between us.

Suddenly, he was at my side as I moved through _chaturanga_ and into upward dog. His voice was low in my ear, not audible to the others under the beat of the music.

"I told you not to wear…that…Bella…" Edward's words were whispered velvet, holding only a hint of danger. They thrilled me and I looked up into his intense gaze as I arched my back and straightened my legs to lift myself into the posture. His eyes darted from my face and I knew exactly what he was thinking. Upward dog was a pose that highlighted my…attributes. I met his gaze unwaveringly, my eyebrow arched in silent challenge.

He smirked at me, moving to stand behind me and pull my hips firmly back as I followed the sequence into downward dog.

I gasped he straddled me and I felt his pelvis press against me. God, he was hard! My panties were instantly flooded in a nearly Pavlovian response. He was going to play dirty tonight.

He released me, allowing me to resume at my own pace, but I was thrown by the memory of his length grazing my girly bits in a position so reminiscent of another kind of "dog."

"Do you feel what you're doing to me, Bella?" he growled softly before leaving my side to assist the next student. I glanced after him; luckily the room was dim and everyone else was concentrating diligently, so they probably wouldn't notice Edward's…situation. I wondered if Jasper would.

I watched Edward as he moved around the room, feeling a pang of jealousy as he assisted Bree, but gladly noting he didn't move her hips the way he had mine. He was nothing but professional, I chastised myself, willing my eyes away from the two of them. Still, seeing Edward's hands on her annoyed me.

We moved into the standing postures as Jasper had promised but by now I was completely distracted by Edward. His movements around the room were graceful as always despite his injured side, and it seemed like he was intentionally taunting me with his avoidance.

Finally, Edward came back for an assist with triangle pose, a posture I had notorious difficulty with, since it required such open shoulders and mine were usually tight. He approached me from behind as I stood with my legs splayed into the signature "v" of the position, running his hands down my arms and over my sides as he coaxed me open my chest by raising one arm to the ceiling and extending the other to the mat, all the while stilling my hips with his left leg on the outside of mine. His actions were subtle, but I was once again grateful for the dim lights.

"Good form," he murmured into my ear, ghosting an almost imperceptible caress down my back and daringly close to my ass. I shivered at the contact, trying to remain composed. I couldn't believe the way he was teasing me, but as nervous as it made me it equally exciting. I leaned back into his hand, moving my hips suggestively. Edward responded in kind, moving his leg so it was in-between my open thighs and using his knee to nudge me open further still. His leg moved forward until it was brushing against my now excruciatingly aroused center. I pressed back again, this time my back finding purchase against him, feeling triumphant when I discovered he was still hard. Meeting his stare with my face upturned, he chuckled lowly, taking a step away to create space between us once again.

His eyes drifted away from mine and I turned my head to follow his gaze; it alighted on a very irritated-looking Jasper and I knew that the game we were playing had at least one witness.

Edward looked at me almost apologetically as he left me, but not before whispering a word that thrilled me in my ear.

"Later…"

It was a promise, and one I intended to take him up on.

The rest of the class passed by uneventfully but excruciatingly slowly. Jasper didn't call Edward out for his antics, and Edward avoided giving me any more assists. I was both regretful and relieved by this, not sure if I could handle another encounter without attacking him right in class.

Once class was over, the students took their time gathering their belongings as I hung behind, slowly rolling my mat and wondering if it was obvious that I was intentionally lagging. A clearly annoyed Jasper approached Edward, but he turned away dismissively. Some of the students were watching them, and Jasper sighed in exasperation, stalking to the door as the remaining students trickled out behind him. Now we were alone.

Why did I feel nervous as I turned to Edward? A thrill ran down my body as I saw the look on his face.

In an instant he was by my side, drawing me to him roughly and pressing the full length of his body against mine as he took my lips forcefully in a heated kiss. He groaned and moved us backwards, blindly feeling for the wall behind me with one hand, his mouth latched fully onto mine. I felt the cool smoothness of the surface behind me as he settled me back against it and continued his assault, lifting my hips with a groan to coax my legs around his waist.

"Edward, don't hurt your side…" I moaned, feeling his stiff arousal as it urgently sought the space of aching need between my own legs.

"You worry too much, Bella," he muttered, and I had to laugh at the irony of this comment coming from him.

I was completely, utterly consumed by him as he thrust against me, rocking me against the wall as our kisses became almost as rhythmic. One of his hands gripped my hip and another held my neck, gentle though our movements were increasingly frenzied.

Tongue. His tongue was everywhere. It had magical powers, reducing me to a quivering bundle of nerves in his arms as he continually sought my mouth. His lips bit at mine, tracing paths down my neck to the sensitive space just above my collar bone.

"I told you not to wear that shirt…" he murmured through kisses.

"If this is my punishment," I whispered breathily, "I'd gladly do it again…and again."

"Bellaaaaa…." he groaned, returning his mouth to mine.

"Should we leave?" I asked, my question loaded with meaning. Though it might be nice to consummate our relationship in the yoga studio, it wasn't exactly the most private location, and I'd had enough of people knowing about our soon-to-be-sex life.

"Hmmm…" he murmured into my mouth, gently detaching my legs and allowing my body to slide slowly to the floor. "Good idea."

We held hands as we left the studio and crept down the hall, not wanting to alert anyone.

Edward grabbed at my ticklish waist as we turned the corner to the stairs that led to the staff quarters, eliciting a small squeal from me.

"You better run little girl," he whispered. My heart raced as he chased me up the stairs, trying not to look behind me lest I trip and ruin the moment.

We reached the top laughing and panting with exertion and were just about to enter Edward's room when I heard Jasper's voice behind us.

"Edward. I need to talk to you."

Swiveling around to address him, Edward's face was more than a little irritated. He released my hand and told me he'd be right back. To say I was flustered wouldn't sufficiently capture the emotions I felt as I stood in the doorway watching him retreat.

Sighing dejectedly, I entered Edward's room knowing that tonight wasn't going to turn out the way I'd hoped after all.

* * *

**A/N: *ducks and hides* Don't blame me! Blame him! *points at Jasper * **

**I know, I know, these poor kids. When will they get it together? **

**Please review and tell me how big of a pain in the ass I am. **

**Check out my profile for a Youtube link to the song E plays B.**

**Thanks as always for reading and continuing to support TCS. I am so grateful for all of the recommendations and shout-outs you've given my story on Twitter, Twilighted, and other forums. Check out the Twilighted forum for teasers and Yogiward pics.**

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	18. Lotus

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns it all; I just do yoga with her characters. **

**A/N: Thank you DiamondHeart78 for you mad beta skillz. Your sweetness astounds me. Join us on the Twilighted forum or come find me on Twitter Magnolia822. **

**Chapter 18: Lotus**

EPOV

Internally seething, I followed Jasper down the hall to his room; angry with him, I was even also angry with myself for listening to him and leaving Bella, since I knew I had probably ruined the moment between us. So now that I was both sexually frustrated and pissed off, whatever Jasper had to say better be good.

Jasper tuned on the light and I blinked rapidly as my eyes adjusted, realizing I hadn't been in his room in months. But I didn't feel like socializing, so I turned on him, wanting to get right to it. He was going to berate me for my behavior in class, I was sure.

The look on his face surprised me; he was trying to hold back a smirk, fighting at the corners of his mouth, until he finally burst out laughing. This did nothing to help my confusion. Did he think his interference with me and Bella was somehow humorous? I glared at him, crossing my arms over my chest.

"What the fuck, Jazz?"

Once he was a bit more under control, he straightened up and faced me.

"Sorry. Sorry, man. Listen, Edward, I'm not gonna lie and say that shit you pulled today in class didn't annoy me, but it sure was funny to watch."

"I'm glad I amuse you," I said sarcastically.

"But more than that it made me see something—you really do care about Bella. And it seems she cares about you."

"_Genius_."

"Okay. I guess I deserve that for the little stunt I just pulled. But listen, you've been avoiding me for days and I wanted to talk to you before I lost my chance."

"Well then fucking talk, Jazz, I don't have all night," I said, glancing impatiently at the door and hoping I'd get back to my room before Bella fell asleep or something.

"Okay. Well, I was thinking that instead of humping Bella in yoga class, maybe you'd like to take her out. You know, like on a date somewhere? Away from the Center?"

Now this was something I wasn't expecting, and I realized I hadn't even considered it before. Yes, it made sense. That's what normal people did when they were getting to know someone.

But at the same time the idea made me nervous. For one, I hadn't driven in years. After I'd returned from Iraq I was far too unstable to drive, and when I did attempt it I was consumed with flashbacks, dragging me back to that horrible day at the TCP with Jake. And of course dates often required being in crowds or small spaces—neither of which I was particularly fond. The last thing I wanted to do was frighten Bella by having an anxiety attack during the course of a romantic evening.

"I'll drive you." Jasper drew me out of my reverie, probably sensing my thoughts. He had definitely been present for more than a couple of my driving related freak-outs.

I ran my hands through my hair considering this. What would Bella think about us being chauffeured around by Jasper? Would it prove once and for all that I was unworthy of her, not even able to perform the most basic functions?

"And…." He continued…. "I thought of the perfect place to take her. Tanglewood. I checked the schedule downstairs and there's an all-Rachmaninoff concert tomorrow night. Isn't he your favorite?"

The summer home of the Boston Symphony Orchestra was a beautiful place—almost more of a park than a musical venue. Beside the rather large amphitheater was a well-manicured and lush lawn that spanned acres where guests ate picnic dinners and lounged in the darkness. And he was right about the Rachmaninoff. But still I shook my head.

"Too many people."

"I knew you'd say that, Edward. But just think…that lawn is huge…you and Bella could sit far back and away from the crowd."

Suddenly, I had a thought. What Jasper didn't know was that during high school I used to sneak into the park through a gap in the fence and foliage that surrounded it; I hadn't wanted anyone to see me there, since my love of classical music was embarrassing to me as a teenager. I'd sit far in the back to avoid detection, but still able to hear the music quite well. Not even Jake knew about my nightly sojourns during the summer.

That could work. Bella had really enjoyed my guitar playing, and I knew she loved music. I nodded at him affirmatively. He had truly surprised me.

"When'd you get so romantic, Jazz?"

"Don't blow my cover." He joked.

We made plans for the following evening; I'd get some stuff together for a picnic, grimacing at the thought of Bella's picnic with Garrett before I pushed it out of my mind, and then Jasper would drive us over at 8:00.

Only fifteen minutes had elapsed from the time when I'd left Bella, and I made my way back to my room in the dark.

What I saw brought a smile to my lips: dressed only in one of my t-shirts, Bella was sprawled out on the bed, her face a peaceful mask of sleep. She looked so beautiful and vulnerable; the sight of her in my clothes elicited a strange feeling in my chest. I made quick work of my own and gathered her to me, unable to resist pressing a soft kiss on the top of her head. Any sense of disappointment I might have felt about the way the night had turned out dissipated when I heard her murmur my name in her sleep.

* * *

The next morning when I woke up I immediately noticed that Bella was gone, and I worried that she was angry about the interruption the night before, even though I knew she probably wouldn't have worn my shirt if she was. Then I remembered that she and Rose were going into town in the morning to do some shopping for the wedding and for the final dress fitting—Bella had been complaining about it the day before.

I rolled over to her side of the bed and felt something crinkle. Sure enough she had left a note.

_E,_

_Went to town with Rose. I didn't want to wake you; you looked like you were having a good dream. :) _

_Please don't worry about last night. We'll talk later when I get back at around 7—maybe we can have dinner? That is, if I survive my day with Bridezilla. Ha ha ha._

_I'll miss you._

_XOX-B._

Sitting up in bed I realized I was grinning like an idiot, reading her note over and over again. _She said she'd miss me. She even wrote 'XOX.'_ I was a complete and utter moron.

I decided I'd use the day to do some work in the garden and maybe some yoga while I waited for Bella to return. The pain in my side had abated so much that it only hurt when I moved quickly or lifted anything heavy. Like Bella last night…against the wall.

God, I didn't know how much longer I could keep this up. Since the day in the meadow the issue of sex hadn't really been broached again…at least overtly…until last night. I knew I was holding back from that final step…because somehow, once we did, there would be no going back to the life I'd led before. Bella was frustrated, but I was sure her desperation was nothing compared to mine. Last night, seeing her in that white tank top, I realized I was already lost. There would be no going back, and so it seemed foolish to prolong the inevitable.

The last few days had been the best in my recent memory. While I had yet to deal with Carlisle and the appointment he'd made me, I felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Once I started opening up to Bella, it seemed like I just couldn't stop. For some reason being with her made it so easy to talk about Jake—it didn't hurt to talk with Bella like it did with everyone else, and she didn't judge me or try to fix me. She just listened.

I wanted to do something special for her to thank her for her patience and to let her know how much I appreciated her. This evening would be the perfect way to accomplish this, even if I was a little out of practice in the romance department. Without Jasper's suggestion I probably never would have thought to take Bella out on a date. He was right though, she deserved more than to be groped in a yoga studio in front of twelve other people. _And she deserves someone who can drive her around and take her to a concert where she can actually sit in seats near other people. _I sighed, dragging myself out of bed and down to the shower.

* * *

As seven o'clock approached I became increasingly nervous as I paced around the sitting room; Bella would be back at any moment and I wanted to be ready for her. Though I hadn't dressed up in quite a while, I did own more formal clothes and I was happy to see they still fit. I chose a pair of dark brown trousers and a white button down, rolling up the sleeves and leaving the top button undone. Attempts to tame my wild hair failed, which didn't really matter since it'd be dark anyway. And I had a feeling Bella liked my hair the way it was.

A few minutes after the top of the hour I heard a commotion in the hallway as Bella and Rose entered, chattering away. The sound of Bella's laugh made was incredible…I realized how much I'd missed her.

Emmett came bounding down the stairs as I made my way to the foyer and stood in the doorway. Bella and Rose had apparently bought the entire town: there were bags everywhere. Emmett ignored me, swooping Rose off her feet and kissing her passionately. Bella stood a few feet behind, blushing and looking away. She was breathtaking in a floor length purple and white halter dress that I'd never seen before, her dark wavy hair loose down her back. The silk rustled as she moved, her long legs just visible under the light material. She hadn't seen me yet as I leaned against the doorjamb to her right, and I was enjoying watching her unawares.

Finally, she turned and I smiled at her; her face was momentarily shocked, then lit up in a wide smile. She walked to me slowly and I felt something…almost like an invisible chord stretching between us as she closed the distance. I took her face between my hands and gave her a soft kiss, ignoring Rose and Emmett's loud banter.

"Hi." She said breathlessly once I released her.

"Hi, yourself." I replied.

"You look…." She eyed me up and down… "Fantastic."

"As do you," I murmured, giving her the same appraising gaze.

"What's the occasion?"

"Well, if you don't have other plans…I thought you might want to go on a date with me tonight."

"A date! Hmmmm…" she said playfully, "I'll have to check my schedule."

"Oh really?" I whispered, drawing her to me. "Have another date, perhaps?"

She giggled.

"I don't like that idea." I murmured into her hair, inhaling the scent I'd missed.

"Well you don't have to worry," she replied, "since there's nothing I'd rather do than spend the evening with you."

"Excellent news, Ms. Swan."

By now Emmett and Rose were openly gawking at us, but I ignored them. Finally, Emmett muttered something about Bella and me needing a room, took Rose by the arm, and dragged her up the stairs.

"Where are we going?" she smiled at me.

"It's a surprise."

"Oh….I don't like surprises."

"You'll like this one." I hoped.

* * *

One hour later Jasper dropped us off at the back gate to Tanglewood, giving me a undisguised wink as I waved him off. Earlier that day he had spoken to the management, unbeknownst to me, and gotten permission for Bella and I to enter through the service gate so we wouldn't have to sneak in, and so we'd actually have tickets and programs—the things normal people had. It was a bit embarrassing, but I was thankful he'd had the idea.

Bella didn't say anything about Jasper giving us a ride or about the strange way we were entering the venue as a janitor opened the gate and waved us in. Instead, she squealed with enthusiasm when I told her where we were.

It was a little after eight and beginning to darken as I led Bella by the hand to a tree I knew quite well—it was a bit larger than I remembered, but familiar after all of these years. Bella smiled as I told her how I used to sneak in.

While I unpacked the blanket for us to sit on along with the other items I'd brought, I encouraged Bella to take a look around. She walked a little distance away, taking in the scene—we were far enough away from the crowd for my comfort, but still close enough for her to see what was going on. One of the best things about Tanglewood beside the music and the beautiful grounds was the fact that they allowed outside food and drink—the New York City summer tourists were often quite extravagant with their picnics, and it wasn't unusual to see people drinking Dom Perignon and eating lobster and caviar.

Our dinner was more humble than most. Though I hadn't had much time to prepare dinner, I'd made some poached salmon and asparagus with a dill cream sauce figuring it'd be good picnic food on a hot night. I'd also brought a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, thinking maybe a little wine might be in order. For dessert there were chocolate-covered strawberries, since Bella had once said they were her favorite. To keep the bugs away and to assist with ambiance, I placed citronella candles around the edges of our blanket.

Bella had taken her heels off and came running back to me, almost throwing herself into my arms until she stopped short, probably realizing that my side was still injured. I chuckled at her enthusiasm. She was so carefree, almost like a little girl.

When she noticed the spread she gasped.

"Edward…tthis is amazing."

"Well, I know you don't really like picnics…"

"I do. I love them. But only with you."

"This place is spectacular. I've heard so much about it, but nothing that did it justice." Her eyes traveled across the expanse of land, now swathed in the last soft glow of twilight. Seeing it through her eyes was like being there the first time.

We sat down and I told her about the concert program—all Rachmaninoff, the BSO would be performing Piano Concerto 2 in C Minor, my favorite piece, along with the composers much-loved Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini. Bella was unfamiliar with both, but I knew she'd love it.

Opening the wine, I poured it into two glasses, handing one to Bella. She took it, biting her lip and looking a bit perplexed.

"What's wrong?"

"I…uh…nothing."

My face fell. She didn't like it after all?

"Please, tell me."

"I just…didn't know you were drinking wine…if that was okay."

Ahhh. Obviously she was worried about what I had told her before about my drinking. Of course. She looked away nervously, probably afraid she'd offended me.

"Bella," I said, touching her arm and setting down my glass. "If it makes you uncomfortable I won't have any. I don't really drink anymore…after that night in the hospital…I'm never going to be that person again.

"You see, it wasn't that I was addicted to the alcohol. I didn't crave it like some people do. I just wanted to forget."

She nodded, still looking away.

Without another thought I poured out my glass onto the lawn.

"Oh Edward, you didn't have to do that," she said apologetically.

"It doesn't bother me, Bella. I don't really want any." Now I was desperate to turn the night around again, and I pulled her over to me, freeing the glass from her hand and settling her in between my open legs. Her silk skirt pooled around her and I rubbed her thigh, loving the sensation of the material under my hand.

"You're the only thing on this blanket I want, Bella." She was still looking down, and I planted a small kiss behind her ear as she sighed softly.

"I'm sorry, I feel stupid," she said quietly.

"Don't. It's my fault. Please, let's just enjoy the evening?"

Bella nodded, the smile returning to her face.

The food was tasty and Bella hummed as she ate, licking the sauce from her fingers after telling me it was socially acceptable to eat asparagus with one's hands. Shrugging, I followed her lead, mesmerized by the way her tongue darted between her lips. She caught me starting and crooked her eyebrow suggestively, allowing her tongue to slide the entire length of her finger before taking the tip in her mouth.

That was just the beginning. Bella's display eating the strawberries bordered on pornographic. She bit into the fruit and my finger darted out to catch the trickle of juice running down her chin. She caught my hand before I could remove it and performed the same trick she had earlier on her own, taking my finger in her mouth and licking off the juice.

"Much better than pears and apples," she said wryly, alluding to night she had cut herself.

"Agreed," I managed, my pants starting to feel a little tight after all.

Soon night had fallen and the flickering lights from the distant Shed indicated that it was almost time to begin. We cleared the remains of our dinner and arranged ourselves comfortably on the blanket, with Bella leaning against my chest as I lounged against the tree behind me.

When the music began, there was no more talking between us. I could tell Bella was completely caught up in the performance, noticing the tears in her eyes when the second movement of the Concerto began.

It was one of my favorite pieces—Rachmaninoff had composed it after a three-year-long depression where he was unable to write anything at all. It seemed ironic given my situation: he had dedicated the piece to the psychologist who'd helped him overcome this setback.

But the three movements of the piece reflected that journey as they moved from moderato to allegro—the piano becoming more powerful in the final stage, the orchestral arrangement triumphant.

It was the second movement, though, that for me was the most beautiful, despite its melancholia. Judging by Bella's reaction, she agreed. She turned to me, kissing the side of my face.

"Thank you," she whispered.

I couldn't wait until she heard the Rhapsody—though it was, to me, not quite as beautiful or perfect a piece in its entirety as Concerto 2, it contained one of the most spectacular crescendos of all time.

During intermission I noticed it was getting cooler and I retrieved the second blanket I'd brought and handed it to Bella. She took it gratefully, spreading it over her but holding up the edge to invite me under, and I gladly obliged her.

As the music began again we moved closer together until Bella was pressed up against me, which certainly got my attention. Being this near to her and not being able to touch her was driving me crazy. I tried to focus on the music but it was impossible, aware as I was of her every movement.

I groaned as she wriggled her ass against my growing erection, clearly enjoying the response she was getting. God how I wanted her at that very moment, but that desire didn't really seem appropriate given the circumstances. But Bella seemed to think so…she continued to writhe against me.

I stilled her hips with my hands, barely able to form a coherent sentence. "Bella…please…God you're going to kill me here."

"Edward…" she turned to face me, her eyes darkened with desire. "No one can see us."

That was true…but we were still outside, and the grounds people were sure to be making rounds…

"Bella…I…." her mouth was on mine with a searching kiss and my hands instinctively went to her head, pulling her closer still. There was an urgency about her movements that I hadn't felt before as she thrust her tongue against mine, drawing me into her mouth. I cupped her head with one hand as the other traveled lower, reaching her hip and hitching her left leg over my pelvis, drawing up her skirt in the process. Tentatively stroking the juncture where here ass met her thigh, she moaned into my mouth as my hand slid closer to her sex.

Somewhere in my mind I knew I should stop this before we got too carried away, but all rational thought was instantly erased as I felt her hand wrap around my length still imprisoned in my pants.

I let out a strangled moan.

"Shhhhh….baby. We don't want anyone to hear us." She whispered. The music was low now—a call and response between violin and flute—but the sound barely registered in my brain, I was so consumed with lust for her.

My hand trembled as I cupped her ass, drawing her tightly to me as I felt the delicate lace of her thong and groaned again. It was so tiny it was hard to imagine it served any function other than driving me out of my mind.

"God…I want to see these." I whispered into her mouth and felt her smile against me.

"I wore them for you."

Those words were my undoing. I brought her lips back to mine in a crash, a frenzied kiss unleashing all of my pent up desires. But it didn't seem right for our first time to be on a blanket on the ground—I had told her in the meadow that it wasn't good enough for her, yet here we were again.

"Bella…love…we can't do this here." I half-heartedly protested. What I wanted more than anything was to do this right here, especially since one of her hands was moving up and down my dick as her other one fumbled with my belt buckle.

"Edward. Please. I need you. Right now. Don't make me wait anymore." Now her hands were sliding down my pants and freeing my erection from the confines of my boxer briefs. I stifled a moan as she reached the tip and felt the wetness there, using it to coat me as she continued stroking.

It was becoming increasingly warm under the blanket, but I silently thanked God I'd brought it.

Pulling away from her for a minute, I rolled us back to our sides so that I was spooning her, hitching her skirt up further still. I swept her hair away from her neck and brought my mouth to the pulse point there, licking and sucking as I undid the halter tie that held up her dress. Reaching my right hand around her, I felt the smooth soft skin of her breasts and groaned again as her hardened nipples thrust into my palm. She ground her backside into me and I moaned since my now naked erection was exactly in the right spot…if I just thrust forward, I'd be inside her.

I let my hand travel lower, over the rumpled material of her dress, until I found wetness seeping through lace. She let out a small noise and opened her legs to allow me better access.

"Bella. God I want to taste you," I whispered in her hair as my fingers moved the scant material aside, parting her and moving in long slow strokes. "Please."

She whimpered… "I think it might be a little too hot for you under this blanket. And…I want to feel you. Inside me."

Her last words were whispered against my throat as she turned her head to kiss me there. Just feeling how wet she was made me painfully hard, knowing it was for me, that she wanted me just as I wanted her.

I continued to work her with my fingers in the way I remembered she liked until she was panting heavily and writhing against my hand.

The music was becoming increasingly fervent and I almost laughed at how appropriate (or inappropriate) this was. My thoughts were jumbled, my senses intoxicated with Bella—the way she felt under my hands… the smell of her arousal…I remembered the first time I saw her that day in front of the Center. How she had tripped and I had steadied her. How I had wanted to not just have her…but fuck her long and hard that next night when I found her in the shower…it had taken all of my self control not to…and now she was against me, wanting me…despite everything.

Suddenly, I felt her shudder against my body and against my hand as her orgasm overtook her…her face was beautiful…I could tell she was restraining herself from calling out and I wished that the silence wasn't necessary. After she calmed a bit she reached down to where my hand was inside her and pulled, planting my hand back onto the soft swell of her breast. Then, she moved to where my erection was trapped between us and took it in her hand. I felt I would explode in that moment alone so I made myself think about anything but the feeling of her warm hand on me and the fact that she was shimmying out of her underwear. I gasped with the anticipation of it.

But then I realized something.

"Bella…I don't have a condom."

"That's okay. I'm on the pill and…well…I know you haven't exactly been…active…"

And the Understatement of the Year Award goes to Bella Swan.

A sigh of relief escaped me. There was no way I'd survive another case of blue balls.

"Are you sure…?" I just had to double-check.

"YES! Edward! Jeeze. I'm dying here."

"Okay..." I gritted my teeth as she released me from her hand, leaning forwards still on her side. I hesitated. "This way?"

"That way if someone comes by, we can just pretend like we're cuddling," she reasoned.

Maybe someone with no eyes.

"No. Bella. I want to see you," I said, rolling her onto her back and kicking my pants the rest of the way off before moving on top of her. My mouth claimed hers again as I moved my hands down her body, her dress still bunched up around her middle; I struggled to finally free her from it. Her hands were all over me, unbuttoning my shirt and running down over the tense muscles of my back.

"I want to feel you against me," she whispered and I complied, allowing more of my weight to rest on her, my coarse chest to rub against her smoothness. In the moonlight I could see the whiteness of her skin, her cheeks and lips flushed from excitement as she stared up at me, our faces only inches apart.

With a groan I shifted, positioning myself at her entrance; her eyes closed and her head rolled back as I pressed forward, gritting my teeth to keep from slamming into her at a furious pace. The sensation of her wetness opening up to me was excruciating; not able to stand it another minute I snapped my hips, fully enveloping myself in hot white blinding heat. She groaned and bit her lip as I stilled against her, our bodies finally joined firmly, fully. I felt her muscles adjust around my length and I reached between us, feeling the connection there, the bareness.

"Open your eyes, Bella. I need to see you" I whispered hoarsely as I began to move slowly, knowing if I quickened my pace I'd only last a few strokes. She complied and I captured her eyes with mine, her mouth forming an "O" as I lengthened my thrusts, pulling almost all of the way out before entering her once more.

There had been other women in my life…only one real girlfriend and that was when I was sixteen, before the war.

Before I'd had my heart ripped out and blackness knit back in.

But never anyone close to Bella. Being inside of her I felt some of the blackness seep away…I was consumed with her…she was inside of me too.

She began to move her hips in rhythm with mine, and with each timed thrust I swiveled my pelvis, grinding against her clitoris while I remained deep within her. She made small mewling noises and closed her eyes again as I continued my assault, pulling her to me with my left hand as I braced myself with my right.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I realized my side hurt, but it was nothing…nothing…drowning as I was in the bliss of being with her. Somewhere in the world there was music…night sounds…but I heard only her small gasping cries as I sped up the pace, drunk on the power of making her feel this way. I realized I was groaning, low guttural cries with each pass but I couldn't stop myself…she was so tight…so warm…so perfectly made for my body as she molded to me, just as desperate as I was for this connection between us.

"God. Please. Please. Harder. Edward." The sound of my name issuing from her lips in conjunction with her plea set me off. I'd give her what she wanted.

I quickened my pace, pounding into her deeply and swiftly, all too soon feeling the tightening sensation in my stomach that indicated my approaching orgasm…I wanted to hold off, to stay inside of her all night and make her come again and again until I was granted my own release. But it had been too long without a woman and I knew I wouldn't last.

Slowing once more despite her protests, I began to thrust and grind earnestly, knowing that was the way to please her. Bella's breath became quick once again and I stilled while fully inside her, pushing her into the ground and moving my hips until she was panting and clawing at my back. Once I was sure she was close, I drew out slowly, slamming back into her again and again.

"God, Edward, YESSSS. Unnffffff." Her words were incoherent mumblings against my shoulder as I moved inside her.

"Mine. You're mine," I grunted. "Never. Forget. Who makes you feel this way." The words came out of my mouth before I could censor them; I didn't want to sound like an asshole, but I didn't want her with any other man. Ever again. She was mine, and even if it was barbaric I wanted to leave my mark on her with my mouth and my cock.

"Mine. You're mine," she panted, echoing my sentiments our lips crashed together once more.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I was coming. I was coming and I didn't want to yet, not until I knew…but then she was thrashing, her hips jerking against me and as I felt her delicate muscles flutter and clench me I knew I could let go. My own thrusts increased as she cried out and soon I was pulsing, fucking flying, shattering into a million pieces and then coming back together with Bella's name on my tongue and her heart inside me replacing the one I had lost.

I had never felt so fucking alive as I did in that moment as the fog cleared from my brain and I saw Bella smiling up at me, her face covered in a sheen of sweat since it was so hot under the blanket now, looking more beautiful than I'd ever seen.

Utterly exhausted, I allowed my weight to rest on top of her and she wrapped her arms around me, holding me close, our bodies still intimately joined. We lay like that for a minute until our breathing stilled.

"It's hot."

It was. It was really hot under that damn blanket.

I moved off of her, almost whimpering at the loss of contact, as I rolled over to my side. With a shock I realized that the concert had ended…the only sound was the distant rumble of people packing up their belongings.

I looked at Bella, tracing her shoulder with my finger. "Sorry you missed the rest of the music."

"I could make a joke about us making our own beautiful music…" she began. I grimaced.

"But I won't."

"Good."

There was no tension, no worry, just lightness between us.

Bella leaned forward and kissed me. "Thank you for not making me wait," she said.

"I could make a joke about how it was my pleasures…" I began… "but I won't."

She looked at me thoughtfully. "You don't regret it…do you?"

I was incredulous. "Bella, are you kidding me? I've never not regretted something so much in my life."

"That's good."

"You're amazing," I murmured, pulling her to me.

"You're not so bad yourself, Master Cullen."

"I want to do it again." I confessed.

"Later," she growled wickedly.

I could have lounged naked with Bella under the stars forever, but I knew that Jasper would be waiting for us. We hastily dressed, hoping against hope that the grounds people wouldn't come to check for us, then gathered up the rest of our belongings and made our way to the gate.

"Ummm. Edward." Bella began.

"Yes, love?"

"I kinda need the bathroom…You know…."

"Oh." Right. I looked around the grounds, finally locating one of the restrooms in the distance. Most of the concertgoers had already left, and I quickly led Bella to the structure and leaned against it as I thought about what had just happened.

I should have been completely freaking out by now, but I wasn't. I was completely calm. Happy.

_Bella._

I missed her and she was only in the bathroom. After what seemed like forever I heard the toilet flush and she appeared, her hands still dripping wet because there were no paper towels.

We walked in silence towards the exit, both of us lost in thought. Occasionally Bella would give me a sly glance and we'd laugh.

"I never knew you were such an exhibitionist." I said, taking her hand despite its wetness.

"Me neither!" She blushed and faced the ground.

Just as we approached the gate I saw movement out of the corner of my eye—movement that as a former soldier and VOLTOR operative I couldn't help but notice.

I thought I glimpsed a man in the shadows just beyond the gate…but before I could identify him he turned away…

I released Bella's and took several long strides towards the retreating figure.

"Hey! Wait!" I called.

"Edward?" Bella sounded scared, but I ignored her, frantically scanning the trees beyond for signs of life. There was something familiar about the man…something I couldn't put my finger on….I knew him…the way he walked…

With a shudder recognition hit me.

_It couldn't be._

**A/N. I love you all. Thank you for all of your reviews and comments—they're what make my day—and for all the Story Adds and Favorites. Please continue to review!**

**Hope you're not disappointed with this chappie! Poor Jasper. Do ya'll feel bad now? LOL **


	19. Warrior Two

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I own Yogiward and the plot below.**

**Thanks as always to my beautiful beta reader DiamondHeart78. I heart you.**

**A/N. I have a few recs this week. **

_Our Lives Unbound_ by theladyingrey42. It's fantastic. BDSM, what can I say—I'm hooked. Hawt. And this woman writes like the devil, as you know if you've read _Love Amongst the Ruins_.

_Surviving Bella_ by Savage7289 of _Hide and Drink_ fame. Edward is an alcoholic street-fighting ship captain, and he and Bella are lost at sea. It's mesmerizing. Angsty. Yeah. That's me.

And on the lighter side, I'm really enjoying _Evermore Experience_ by deJean Smith. It's a supernatural romance; think Pride and Prejudice meets Twilight meets who knows what, cause it's kind of a mystery. Very different and well-written. It needs some love.

**Chapter 19: Warrior Two**

BPOV

As soon as Edward dropped my hand I knew something was wrong. One minute we were talking and laughing, joking about our outdoor rendezvous, and the next he was calling out to the shadows beyond the gate, his long legs striding away from me.

"Edward?" I called to him, unable to quell the fear in my voice.

From what I could see there was no one there…but the look on Edward's face told a different story.

"Edward?" I called again. He stopped a few meters beyond and stood with his back towards me. Quickly approaching him, in the moonlight I could see his paleness, the frantic look in his eyes as he scanned the forest. A haunted man.

"Edward, what's going on? Please. You're scaring me." I reached out and touched his arm and he jerked it back instinctively; then he looked at me as if seeing me there for the first time. All was silence except for a slight wind that rustled the trees above.

"What did you see?" I asked lowly. A horrible fear wormed its way into my mind that he had seen nothing, that this was a flashback, and I wasn't prepared to handle it without assistance.

"Bella…I…" He shook his head, grimacing, his eyes closed. When they opened again they darted to the trees and then back at me.

"Edward? Bella?" Suddenly, I heard Jasper's voice nearby and closing the distance between us. I turned and saw his blonde hair lightened by the moon. He grinned when our eyes met but his face quickly became concerned when he noticed the tension in Edward's stance.

"I've been looking all over for you," he explained. "The concert ended half an hour ago. What happened?" The question was directed at me.

"Nothing…I mean…I didn't see anything…Edward saw someone in the woods…but he won't…"

"What?" Jasper's voice was raised. "Who did you see?"

Silence.

"Who was it Edward?"

"Nothing. No one." Edward turned to us, his face a careful mask.

"But you…" I began before he cut me off.

"There was nothing." His voice was firm, but I wasn't buying it. I was relieved that he didn't seem to be having a flashback after all, but I was unnerved by this quick change in demeanor. Whatever he had seen, real or imaginary, he didn't want us to know about it.

"Okaaaay." Jasper said hesitantly. "Well, why don't we get back to the car—it's getting late."

The ride back to the Center was silent. Edward sat in the back seat—his mouth set in a determined line as he stared straight ahead. I snaked my arm back to his leg and gave him a squeeze but he didn't acknowledge the gesture. The car sped through the cool night, but I could feel its chill creeping into my bones.

My mind was confused, littered with images and sensations from the previous two hours…I wouldn't let myself consider the idea that it had all been a mistake…that Edward's behavior towards me in the car had anything to do with regret for sleeping with me. We had been happy…and of course my brain couldn't ignore what he had called me…love. Almost unknowingly…love.

No, it had something to do with the occurrence outside the gate, and I was determined to find out what.

When we pulled up to the front Edward leapt from the car before I even had the chance to get my door open. I called after him as he took the front steps two by two and he seemed to remember himself, waiting for me to follow.

Jasper looked worriedly at me as we entered the house but I tried to maintain composure.

It didn't seem like Edward was about to thank him so I did, telling him we'd see him in the morning. He left us with a nod, mouthing something that looked like "be careful" to me. I hoped Edward didn't see.

We climbed the stairs to the staff quarters and I stood awkwardly by his door…we'd been sleeping together every night but it seemed something had shifted in the car ride and I didn't want to presume.

"Well…I had a nice time." My voice was small. "Good night Edward." I turned to go, my body flooded with relief when he stopped me, catching my arm and pulling me back to him.

"I'm sorry Bella," he whispered against my temple. "Please stay with me."

"Alright. If you want me too." My voice trembled, unable to conceal the emotion that welled in my chest at his request.

"Of course I do. Do…you want to?" He looked lost.

"Of course," I said, kissing his face in reassurance.

He opened the door, still clutching me. We didn't bother to turn on the light as we readied for bed—the full moon shone brightly into the room. I slipped out of my dress and into one of Edward's t-shirts, but by the time I was ready he was already in bed, laying with his hands behind his head and gazing at the ceiling.

There was still tension in the air and I didn't know how to break it, tentatively drawing back the comforter and slipping into the bed, close, but not touching him. I couldn't help but admire the delectable way his torso looked swathed in sheets, the mold of his bicep tense on the pillow. I reached out and traced the curvature of his arm with my finger, the softness of his skin covering hard muscle.

He sighed and turned to look at me, cupping my face in his hand. "So beautiful," he murmured. "How can you be real?"

"How can you?"

He closed his eyes and with a sigh urged me closer. I gladly obliged, snuggling into the crook of his arm as had become our custom. I wrapped my left leg over his body, wanting to feel him close, and was surprised to feel hardness there. He neither moved me away indicated he wanted to take care of the issue, so I settled down a little lower, just loving the feel of being with him. Lulled by the warmth, I gradually drifted to sleep.

_Shaking. _

I was dreaming of the meadow Edward had shown me…

_There are flowers everywhere. Red as blood. They dance in the breeze above our heads as we recline on the soft grass. One of the flowers dips low…lower…it touches Edward's face. Blood. The flower is bleeding, leaving a trail of red blood on his cheek…I reach out to sweep it away, but I only smear the blood on his beautiful face._

_Shaking._

My mind was yanked from the dream…by an earthquake.

I sat up with a jolt, adrenaline coursing through my veins…no. It was Edward!

He was shaking violently, so much so that I feared he'd fall off the bed. He was talking loudly…rapidly…I almost couldn't make out what he was saying. It sounded like he was almost having a conversation with someone in his sleep.

"No. I didn't FUCKING know. You fucking KNEW it. YOU FUCKING KNEW IT. I KILLED THEM AND YOU FUCKING KNEW IT!"

"Edward. Edward!" I knew it was dangerous for me to wake him from a nightmare but I couldn't bear to see him like this. I grasped his arms and held him, but he was too strong for me. "Wake UP!" I shouted. "Please!"

His eyes opened, seeing beyond me, not quite awake yet…he was gasping. I placed my hand on his heart and felt it beating so rapidly it frightened me. "Shhhhh….baby…. shhhhhhhhhhh" I crooned, realizing after a minute that I was sobbing. "Please. Please."

This dream had been so much worse than the last.

His eyes were still unfocused; a look on his face that almost scared me more than the dream…what he had said…Edward had killed someone? Of course he did, he was a soldier. Did he mean Jake? But he said "them?" Was it even real? I couldn't stop my mind from firing questions.

With a stunning rapidity, Edward leapt from the bed and threw open the door. I scrambled up after him, just barely catching a glimpse of his form entering the bathroom, the light streaming briefly into the dark hall. I wasn't sure what I should do, but I followed him on instinct, wanting to make sure he was alright.

Pushing against the door I was relieved he hadn't locked it. Edward was staring at the mirror, leaning on the sink with the water running. His face was unreadable, but his eyes darted to me as I entered. He was wet, obviously from splashing his face and neck with the water. He shut off the tap.

"Edward. Please talk to me."

"It was just a bad dream," he answered mechanically.

"It was more than that," I said knowingly.

"What did you hear, Bella? What did I say in my sleep?"

His voice was strained, fear creasing his brow.

"Uhhhh…" I stuttered. Suddenly I didn't want him to know what I'd heard…it felt too private…honestly, what I'd heard had scared the shit out of me. "Nothing…" I hedged.

"You're not telling me the truth, Bella. Please. Tell me." He took a step towards me, and I took one back. My movement registered on his face—disappointment, sorrow…more fear.

"I…uh…I don't want to say."

"Please. I need to know." His voice was a whisper. He moved towards me and I took another hesitant step back. This stopped him. He stood, his shoulders sagging as if they'd lost the strength to hold him up.

"Tell me what you saw in the woods, then." I bargained.

"There was nothing," he looked at me beseechingly.

"Well I can't tell you what I heard." I didn't know exactly why I was playing this game, but I felt the two incidents were intimately linked, and I wanted answers.

In a flash he was at the wall, pinning me against it in-between his arms.

"Bella. I need to hear what you heard. Please." His voice was urgent as he held my face in his hands, his eyes searching mine frantically. I could see the fear there and I didn't want to be the cause of it.

"You said you killed…somebody…and it sounded like you were talking to someone…accusing them of knowing something that you didn't…" My voice was quiet. His eyes were serious.

"Bella. I need you to forget about this. Please."

"Edward, I…"

"Bella, do you trust me?" his green eyes were intense. I couldn't look away from him, though I wanted to. I hadn't trusted him…I'd felt doubt. But now he was here and looking at me so honestly, so lovingly.

"I would never hurt you Bella. Never." His hand swept the hair away from my face, wiping the residual tears away. "Please, don't be afraid of me."

"I'm not," I said, honestly. I felt ashamed for my behavior, the way I'd cringed away from him.

"I just feel so…useless Edward. I don't know what to do to help you…and it's killing me to see you hurt like this. And you have these dreams and I know you don't want me to know, but I can see there's something eating away at you…something to do with what you saw in the forest…and the names you said the other day in your sleep….Jane…Mark…and then tonight.

"And I don't know what to think. I know you won't hurt me, but you're hurting yourself by keeping all of this bottled up…" I trailed off, realizing I was rambling a bit. His hands still cupped my face and I was crying again. He bent forward, his mouth seeking an errant tear on my jaw. When he looked at me again his eyes shone; they were so deep I could see myself reflected within them.

"This is the reason I fought this for so long…I said I wouldn't hurt you but I was wrong. I see I already have. There's nothing in me that's good for you, Bella.

"You want to know what I saw tonight in the forest. A fucking ghost. Air. It was my fucked up mind playing tricks on me, because I've thought about it and any other explanation is impossible," he scoffed. "Just my fucked up mind.

"And you're so beautiful…so perfect…the last few days…tonight…it was the best night of my life and I ruined it, I fucking ruined it, and I'm so sorry."

"I'm not perfect, Edward," I said, desperate to break him from his train of thought. I knew he was convincing himself that he wasn't good for me that he was selfish for wanting this and my earlier reaction hadn't exactly been helpful in that regard.

"To me, you are," he whispered, taking a step back and releasing his hands. "Maybe it would be better…" he didn't finish his sentence because I was pushing myself from against the wall and kissing him, his full lips at first hesitant and then strong against mine as I wrapped my arms around him, holding him to me in the only way I knew how.

"Don't…" I pleaded between kisses. "Please don't say what I think you're going to say. I want this. I want you. I don't care about anything else." I didn't even know what I was saying but I needed to convince him that this was right.

"Bella," he groaned, dragging his mouth along my throat and collarbone as I fisted my hands in his hair, still damp with sweat and water. "God, you know I can't resist you."

"You don't have to resist me, Edward," I said breathlessly. My mind was jumbled as my body responded to his touch—he grabbed my waist and pushed us against the wall as I clutched at him, pressing my body into his and feeling him harden against my thigh. His kisses were ardent, demanding, as they had been last night in the yoga studio. I returned them with a fervor I didn't know I possessed, wanting to show him with my mouth how much I wanted him in every way.

"I don't want to lose you," he panted against me, his head downcast as he watched his hands rove over my body, still covered in nothing but his white t-shirt that barely covered my ass.

"You never will," I said firmly, gasping as his hands move to cup my breasts, his thumbs ghosting over nipples that were surely visible to his gaze and igniting a tingling there.

"God, you're so fucking sexy in my shirt," his voice was awed and I almost blushed watching him watch me with uninhibited lust as I writhed under his hands.

His hands moved lower to the hem of the t-shirt and slipped under, moving lightly up the outside of my thighs. He groaned when he reached my ass, squeezing harder.

"You're not wearing any fucking underwear," he said in disbelief.

"Not at night." My reply was barely out before his mouth crashed back into mine, his tongue taking advantage of the opening to thrust into me. His kiss was wet and hot and left me panting, gasping for breath as his hands continued to knead my flesh, moving to further encircle me from behind. I was trapped between Edward and the wall and that's just where I wanted to be.

Moving one of my hands from his head I reached lower, feeling the hardness of his erection under the worn material of his cotton sleep pants and then slipping inside the opening to draw out his length. I pulled away to gaze at it, admiring its hefty girth and the silky softness of his skin.

"Oh fuck…fuck…" he moaned into my mouth as my hand wrapped around him firmly, moving slowly up and down at a pace I knew made him crazy.

His own hands were now firmly cupping my ass low, close to my sex, so that he was bearing almost all of my weight, and I gasped as I felt one of his fingers rub against my folds from the back and teasingly enter, thrusting in and out in an action that mirrored our tongues.

"God…so wet…I just want…oh god."

"What do you want, Edward?" His movements were becoming increasingly frantic, his finger moving in and out of me from behind, but I was desperate for friction against my clit…he was teasing me, knowing what I wanted and holding back.

"I want to fuck you against this wall. Right now. Would you like that Bella?"

"Yes…" I pleaded. "Yes."

"But first…I want to taste you, baby," he growled, releasing his grip and shocking me as he kneeled, lifting one of my legs and placing it over his shoulder, baring me wide before him. I had the wall for support, but I placed my hands on his head for leverage. Luckily all the yoga I'd been doing made me flexible.

"So. Fucking. Beautiful," he leaned forward, placing small kisses on my inner thighs, but avoiding the spot that most wanted his attention.

"God, Edward. Please." I couldn't help but wriggle my hips in anticipation.

Finally, using one hand to part me fully, he bent his head and took me into his mouth, sucking deeply and fully as I gasped at the direct and sudden contact. His tongue worked me, pressing into my entrance and then moving up to circle my clit in a long sweep that left me reeling. He continued the cycle again and again as I pressed against him, urging him on with my hands in his hair. Inserting one finger into me, he turned his attention to more direct contact with my clitoris, his tongue providing the perfect amount of pressure, neither to firm nor too gentle, as if he was aware of the sensitivity of that part of my body.

With his other hand he pulled me closer, giving me a devilish look as he moved his hand down my ass, finding the spot no one had ever touched before. I tensed for a minute but gradually relaxed, I was curious and aroused by this new attention. Gathering some of my wetness, his finger gently prodded my back entrance and I gasped as a feeling strange, foreign, but exhilarating, overtook me. I released a pent up breath and relaxed into the sensation as he continued his ministrations—he was consuming me from all possible angles, and the feelings were too intense. As he curled his fingers into me and licked and sucked my thighs began to shake. I realized I was holding onto his hair much too firmly, but he didn't seem to mind; in fact, it seemed to be urging him on.

He parted my legs wider and I felt like I was almost going to lose my balance as his tongue swirled from where one finger was working to the other. His mouth was everywhere, and it felt so fucking good, even when he approached that spot where his finger moved in me from behind. I gasped as I felt his tongue work in unison with the finger that was gently pressing into me. No man had ever kissed me there and it felt strange, but fantastic. He added a second finger to my front entrance, twisting and thrusting them in unison with his tongue and I felt the orgasm beginning in my belly. I began grinding myself against him in earnest, my wetness seeping and increasing the slick friction as he matched my movements with his mouth.

"You're close baby…you taste fucking amazing."

"Yes…god…Edward….yes…" I was moaning and writhing against his face. Just as I felt my muscles start to clench, Edward removed his hands and mouth and I whimpered at the loss, my body not understanding as it was thwarted from climbing the peak it had almost reached.

Just as swiftly, Edward was standing against me, now fully naked, his erection in hand.

"I want to feel you come on me…" he growled, taking me by the hips and slamming into me with no further ado. He braced us against the wall, filling me again and again, the approaching orgasm that had been fading seconds before building once again. His pace was punishing but that's just how I needed it to be, my hands grasping his hips, his neck, urging him on. I grasped his face and held him to me, our bodies fueled by heat and need and desperation.

"Fuck Bella…you're so wet baby…I'm sorry…I just need to…is this okay…."

He was mumbling against my shoulder, afraid he was hurting me.

"Harder, Edward. Please!" was all I could manage to convince him otherwise. I wrapped my legs firmly around him as his hips rocked against me. He was grinding down with each thrust and I felt the tightening begin again.

"More…more…" my head was weak; I was no longer in control of my limbs. He was devouring me, consuming me, and I wanted him to. I would never have enough, never be anything without him, without this.

"Fuck…okay…." he granted my request, pounding into me faster with a grunt. "Like that, baby?"

"Fuck yes. Fuck…" I was no longer in control of my words either.

He angled his pelvis lower, a movement that gave him deeper access. I felt him fill me to the hilt and still for a minute, grinding against me as he had earlier. I was moaning uncontrollably and he covered my mouth with his as my orgasm approached and overtook me, my whole body shaking and convulsing at the force of it. I opened my eyes as we kissed and tasted myself on his tongue. His eyes were shut, squinting with the strain of his exertion and the impending climax he was trying to stave off.

My body shuddered around his as I held him tightly and he resumed his furious pace. He pulled his face back from mine and he looked into my eyes, the power of his thrusts rocking me against the wall. Even in our frantic coupling, the emotion on his face was plain—the lust and passion eclipsed by something else.

Edward looked down to the place were our bodies were joined and licked his lips. "Fuck. That is so unbelievable." I followed his gaze and had to agree…the sight of him sliding into me lit the fire in my belly again and I couldn't believe it as I felt the beginnings of a second orgasm stir.

"Please. Touch yourself," he murmured. One of my hands slipped down between us and around him as he moved within me. I rubbed my hand against my clit as Edward continued to watch. He had slowed a bit, and I could tell he was enjoying the visuals.

The bathroom was filled with our sounds and for a minute I was concerned about being found out, but that thought was immediately forgotten as Edward lowered his head to suck at the sensitive spot on my neck. I looked over his shoulder and saw us in the mirror over the sink; I almost didn't recognize myself—my hair was wild, my eyes dark, lips swollen from kissing.

Once again his pace increased and I could tell he was getting close. I continued to rub myself, loving the feel of him sliding between my fingers. He bit down gently on my neck and I was lost…again…I shouted out as I was overcome with my second orgasm.

"God…I can feel you, Bella. I can feel you…" He growled and his hips began to move erratically, his body slamming into mine with such force I was afraid we'd wake the entire hall. He threw his head back as a low growl of profanity left his lips; I could feel him pulse within me as my body tightened and welcomed his release. Finally, he stilled and groaned my name, shuddering into my shoulder.

Our bodies were covered in sweat and it was a miracle neither of us had fallen on the slick bathroom floor. Yoga definitely improves balance.

We stayed entwined against the wall for another minute or so until I felt Edward's body beginning to soften within mine.

He drew out with a hiss and set me down on the ground, kissing my nose, an innocent gesture as he pulled out.

"Fuck, Bella. That was amazing."

"It was," I agreed, my voice still breathless.

"You're so fucking beautiful," he caressed my cheek.

"You said that before."

"It was true before. And it still is."

My legs were shaky and I went to the sink as Edward moistened a washcloth and handed it to me; I blushed and turned away, suddenly shy that about cleaning myself. He smiled and nodded, moving to grant me privacy.

There was silence between us…the issues that had preceded the set tabled at least for the moment by mutual consent.

"You think we'll ever do it like normal people?" I asked, unaware of the possible connotations of my question

"Hmmm?" His eyebrow was raised quizzically, teasingly. "What do you mean by that?"

"Like in a bed."

He chuckled, opening the door for me as I led the way back to his room. The Center was quiet; it must have been at least 3:00 a.m. The hall light was on, which was a little unusual…I couldn't remember if I had turned it on when I had followed Edward to the bathroom. Hopefully one of the didn't get an earful. God, if it was Rosalie, she'd never let me live it down.

Back in Edward's room, we settled into an exhausted and well-deserved sleep.

* * *

**2005**

EPOV

We're on a raid, and this time it's the big one. For me, that is. I'm fueled by adrenaline and alcohol and some sort of pill that Alec gave me to help with fatigue. Except for the occasional joint, I've never taken drugs before and I'm sure this one is pretty potent—I'm aware of every movement around me, my body on alert.

This is the moment I've been waiting for, training for. The reason I joined VOLTOR. They've located the men who killed Jake. The fucker from the checkpoint. Alec, Demetri and I have been assigned contact duty…there are only two, and we should be able to handle them on our own. The rest of VOLTOR will be providing backup if needed. We won't need it.

Whatever happens tonight, they're not getting out alive. I'll see to that. Of course no one knows this but me and General Caius. VOLTOR often engages in firefights with enemy combatants, but strictly speaking, we're not supposed to go for the kill unless it's absolutely necessary. But of course it happens. The army would never overtly condone such actions, but there's a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. If you're questioned, you claim self-defense. Easy.

Of course I don't fucking agree with this, but I go along with it anyway. In my seven months in the sandbox and my two in VOLTOR, I've never killed anyone. At least no one up close and personal…personal.

This is fucking personal and it's why I put up with bullshit from people like Alec and Jane.

Caius's told me in not so many words that the insurgents we're going for can't be taken alive…there's not enough evidence against them…they'll never be convicted…and Jake's murder will go unpunished…

As a general he has contacts s in high places…undisclosed sources…he can't tell anyone else because it's classified.

I'm the one who'll carry out the job. And gladly.

It's a hot night and I'm sweating in my gear, my helmet sticking to my face; I swat a fly that buzzes around the opening, The air is still and too quiet. Alec, Demetrius and I are waiting for the go from Caius. He, Jane, and the others will be waiting nearby. Our orders are to apprehend the subjects in their family home—a father and son—but mine are quite different.

That fucking fly keeps buzzing and I swat again blindly; the sound is audible but I can't see for fuck…

Suddenly I hear the code word in my headset and Alec motions for us to follow…we creep stealthily, crouching behind the wall that covers the back entrance to the house.

It's a dirty Tikrit street, littered with used tires. Garbage. Refuse from Iraqi Freedom still kicking around.

We scale the wall easily and get into position behind the back door. There are kitchen noises coming from inside. A man's laughter. My heart thuds loudly in my chest. The man who killed Jacob…he's fucking laughing…I start to sweat more profusely as anger takes hold of me…I'm fed up with the damn helmet and I take it off, toss it to the ground. Demetri looks at me funny but I look away. I'm not interested in what he thinks.

The final word from Caius is spoken and we move; Alec and Demetri are in front and I cover them. Demetri kicks the door open and from the interior a woman screams.

What happens next is like a fucking movie. Slow motion.

It looks like a family at dinner. A man, about 50, sits with his wife and son. Only the woman is screaming, holding her hands out over the table as if in supplication. She's speaking in Arabic and we don't have a translator. The man and the son sit in silence. They don't look surprised to see us.

They know.

Demetri is yelling for them to get on the ground. He speaks in broken Arabic. He yells at them to put their hands on their heads.

The woman is screaming, clutching the arm of her husband.

He looks at me stoically and I wish I was still wearing my helmet. I'm suddenly filled with doubt…he meets my eyes and says something softly, but I can't hear over the screams of the wife. This is the man who put the bomb in Jake's humvee. I think. I think. I search my mind for recognition and meet none.

I can't remember his face.

Alec grabs the wife from behind and yanks her up, muffling her mouth with his hand; Demetri and I are standing near the table, our guns drawn on the two men.

The son looks like a younger version of his father. They have the same dark eyes…similar noses and mouths. He must be about 20. Like me.

I step backward no longer sure of my mission. How can I kill these men before me…they offer no resistance. They look me in the eye.

But Caius's words eat away at my indecision…"they'll go peacefully, quietly...they won't resist…that's all part of their plan, their strategy."

Jake. Jake. Jake. The image of his broken body in my mind…his bloodied body, mangled beyond recognition. Except for his face. I look down at my hands and they are covered with Jake's blood. If I had just fucking listened to my instinct about the sick man he would still be here. I wouldn't be HERE.

My own body is shaking with rage, adrenaline and whatever drug I'm on….I can barely hold my gun straight.

The son glances to his mother and all of a sudden I see his hand dart down and under the table. He's grabbing for something….my training screams gun. Automatically my hand is on the trigger. It sounds once. Twice.

When I look again they are on the floor and there is blood on my hands once again.

_

* * *

_

**A/N: Thanks for reading. Please review and let me know what you think. Thank you to all who have reviewed so far and to all readers, old and new. I love my lurking readers but I'd love to hear from you! I'm sure your brains are churning now….**

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	20. Hero

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight; I own the words below.**

**AN: Thanks to my beta DiamondHeart78! Love you, woman. And thanks to Lolypop82 for the Yogiward manips, and to RoseArcadia for the TCS blinkie; check out my profile to see it all!**

***As many as 1 in 10 returning soldiers suffer from PTSD. Last year, over 1,700 men and women attempted suicide. Many coming home do not get the treatment they deserve, since there is such a stigma surrounding the disorder. And, while my story is 100% fictional, yoga IS being used, along with other nontraditional techniques, to treat veterans along with the more standard medications and therapy.*  
**

**Chapter 20: Hero  
**

EPOV

2005, _Winstead Treatment Center, Utica NY_

Three months since the raid and I've been home for two after my narrow escape and discharge. And I've been in this fucking hospital for one of those.

Three months. And tonight is Christmas Eve.

Carlisle, Esme and Emmett have already gone. I told them not to come, but of course they didn't listen. Every time I see my family it's like a kick in the gut, knowing that they could be at risk because of me. I'm a fucking disaster and a disappointment and I wish Carlisle hadn't found me at the Motel 6 on Thanksgiving, because at least then I'd be out of my misery.

They've got me on a Molotov cocktail of anti-depressants and anxiety meds, fucking group therapy, fucking private therapy, fucking art therapy and now, on top of it all, fucking yoga therapy.

I want to laugh in their faces that it won't make a difference because even if I wanted to talk about my "experiences" and work through my "trauma" I'd probably get killed for it and my family would too.

But necessity has made me a skilled liar. Dr. Grayson was impressed during our session yesterday. Too bad it was all bullshit.

And despite how numb my mind is from all the drugs they have me on, I can't stop thinking, going over and over the same events and trying to figure out how I could've been so stupid. So naïve...

_The days following the raid go by in a haze, mostly due to the alcohol I'm consuming in vast quantities, a desperate effort to repress the memories of that night._

_Two bodies, life-blood spilling onto smooth cement floor as a new widow screams and screams. _

_The object the boy was reaching for under the table laying just inches from his lifeless hand._

_A pocket-sized Koran. Not a fucking gun in site. _

_Caius's praise as Alec, Demetri and I are debriefed later that night. He commends my quick action, a surreptitious wink in my direction that leaves me wretched. _

_The official story is I acted in self-defense, never mind neither of the targets actually had a weapon._

_Never mind that I had wanted to do it. Desired revenge and taken it. _

_I had imagined I'd feel better. Victorious. That the pain and anger I'd suffered since Jake's death would somehow be alleviated once the deed was done, but the reality is much different. I'm drowning under the weight of my guilt, a zombie performing the tasks I'm supposed to while the hole in my chest that formed as I held Jake's shredded body is torn wider, spilling all that was Edward onto the ground and leaving nothing behind._

_Sometimes I see Marcus looking at me with a thoughtful expression on his face. He's Cauis's second in command but he's much different. Where Cauis is brash and bold, Marcus is cautious, measured. He's the only one in VOLTOR I can stand now, and while we haven't exactly become friends, I sense that he is trustworthy._

_Marcus's reaction during the debriefing is peculiar…I catch a look of surprise and another emotion…fear, maybe…flits across his face before he composes himself and I wonder what it means. _

_Four days later I find myself in the Tikrit market on surveillance duty. I hold my gun in my hands but it feels like poison. The sun is hot and merciless as ever, but I welcome the pain._

_I'm walking by a stall where there is a man selling _lablaby _and I nod at him in recognition—I've been known to purchase his chickpeas but today I'm not hungry._

_My ears detect a noise that sounds like crying…I spin around and there is a group of women on the street corner clad in black _abas_. They look like they're returning from a funeral. All of them are wearing veils and one of them is keening as the others surround her._

_All the blood drains from my face as I recognize the sound of her voice. I could never forget it; her cries have haunted my sleep and waking hours since the night of the raid._

_I don't know what to do. As shocked as I am to see her, I'm relieved she's alive. I was certain she'd been killed after what she'd seen. _

_But apparently Caius had some mercy within him._

_Suddenly, before I can turn away, the widow spots me, conspicuous in my green fatigues. Her cry becomes louder and more furious and she is speaking in Arabic and pointing at me. Before her friends can stop her she is running. The other women hang back in fear except for one other that trails behind her; though she is speaking in Arabic I can tell she is beseeching. _

_The woman is in front of me and I can see her eyes flashing, black, angry. She is yelling and crying and people in the market are taking notice. I don't know Arabic but I can understand what she's saying all the same. I am a killer. I am the reason she's a widow. I am the one who killed her son._

_I stand dumbly as she continues. I feel the bile rise and at that moment I wish for nothing else than to trade places with her husband, her son. She turns to her friend, gesturing at me and saying something, and the friend approaches, her eyes wary._

"_Nadia says she wants me to translate for you." Her voice is cold._

"_You speak English." _

_She scoffs. It is an obvious statement and I am ashamed. Many Iraqis do and for me to sound surprised is insulting. _

_There is a flurry of words from the widow. Nadia. And the friend nods, shushing her after a few sentences._

"_Nadia says that she knows that you are the one who killed her husband. You came with other soldiers in the night. She asks why."_

_My face is slick with perspiration as I struggle with the question. It is one I want to know the answer to myself. How could I tell her the truth—that we suspected her husband and her son to be insurgents responsible for the death of our men? Of Jake? What comfort would that offer? Or should I justify my actions with the plea of self-defense? How repugnant the idea, now that it is obvious that the son had no weapon._

"_Tell Nadia that I'm sorry," I choke. It's the only thing I can say. She looks at me skeptically, but relays the message._

_Nadia erupts with angry words; the translator nods sympathetically. I am a heartless ass and I want to flee, but I force myself to remain. This is my punishment._

"_Nadia says that the U.S. Government betrays. Her husband and her son were innocent, but that didn't matter to you. You only want what is convenient for you and you don't care who you harm…."_

_Nadia is speaking again, her voice is thick with tears. _

"_You've taken the one who was meant for her. In Arabic we say _taw'am roHi_, soul-twin, but in English it would be called I think something different."_

"_Soul mate" I say softly. _

"_Yes, that is the word," she confirms. Her arm is around Nadia, silently weeping now. She whispers into her friend's ear, and the translation is equally hushed._

"_Nadia says it would be better if you kill her along with her husband and son. Now she is all alone, and the life of a widow is very hard here." _

_And with these words my soul is a twisted snarl of bone, burnt and charred beyond recognition. _

_There is nothing for me to say. Nothing. The two women walk away, one soothing and strong, the other crumbling into dust. And I wish I had someone to hold me up too._

_All day long the encounter stays with me and I wonder about the meaning of Nadia's words, which seemed to confirm my deepest fears. Of course a wife would insist on her husband's innocence, on her son's, but this was more than that. I believed her. _

_That night Nadia is in my dreams. Her eyes are accusing. Pitiless. And I wake, a silent scream on my lips._

_And the next night._

_And the next._

_I'm not performing up to snuff and my superiors are noticing. Jasper's worried but I won't talk to him. I'm taken off the TCP and put on kitchen duty; it's supposed to be punishment, but it's fine by me. We're so understaffed that often I'm left on my own with easy access to the whiskey supply in the officer's mess. _

_VOLTOR is planning another raid, but I'm not asked to participate in this one. This time it's Alec, Jane, and Demetri. Which, again, is fine by me. _

_I can't stop thinking about Nadia and her husband. Her son. _

_One night, about two weeks after the raid, I'm mopping the grunt's mess and swigging from a fifth of Jack I have stashed away under one of the tables. It's just me in here since the rest of my unit is watching some movie and the officers are probably getting screwed by high-end prostitutes. The women here don't walk the streets. But they're available if you know whom to call. _

_All of a sudden I hear a noise and my heart race;, my instincts make me reach for my gun, but I've left it back in my bunk. Even the smallest noise sets me off these days and I have no idea what's wrong with me. _

_I whip around and see Marcus standing in the room watching me with a critical eye. The bottle's in my hand and I quickly put it down and stand at attention._

"_At ease," he says. _

_I notice he's wearing civvies and I grunt, still on alert. My head feels heavy from the alcohol and I am disoriented by Marcus's sudden appearance. _

"_You keep drinking like that and it'll kill you." _

"_Fine by me," I reply, picking up my mop and going back to it._

"_Edward. I would like to speak with you. Alone." His voice is firm but his eyes say something else as he glances around pointedly. I'm disarmed by his use of my familiar name; my stomach drops and I don't know what to think. What could he possibly have to say to me that would require privacy? And aren't we alone now?_

_He gestures at me to follow and I nod, entering the night behind him. We walk silently for a while; Marcus's movements are swift and I struggle to maintain his pace as we wind our way through the maze of Tikrit streets. Finally, we arrive at a nondescript door in a dead end alley and Marcus raps twice. The door opens and we're shown into a dimly lit room by an extremely short Iraqi man who gives Marcus a nod of recognition—it appears to be one of the many unsanctioned "bars" that have sprung up in service to the U.S. occupying forces. But there are no soldiers here now. _

_Marcus sits at one of the few empty tables, indicating I should join him, and says something to the man in Arabic. He returns with a small bottle and two mismatched glasses as I sit completely mystified. The man retreats after pouring us each two finger-widths._

"_You're drawing attention to yourself Edward. Unnecessary attention."_

"_How do you mean?" I'm suspicious._

"_Don't think your run-in with Nadia Hafeez in the marketplace didn't go unnoticed."_

_I'm shocked and don't know what to say. I gulp the fiery beverage nervously._

"_VOLTOR has eyes all over this country, Edward."_

"_Right."_

_There is silence. I don't know what we're doing here, if he's trying to warn me, reprimand me…if he's going to kill me. And suddenly I don't care. It all comes out in a mess, garbled by the drink that's affecting my head and my verbal filter._

"_Well then you know she said her husband was innocent. And her son. She said that the government betrays. What the hell…was he some kind of U.S operative or something?" I ask, giving voice to the suspicion that's been growing in my mind ever since the day in the marketplace._

"_And I killed those men and they had no fucking weapons. And Caius said they were the ones who killed Jacob Black. Were they? Were they, Marcus? Or did I just kill two innocent men under the orders of a fucking madman?"_

_Marcus listens stoically as I rant, incriminating myself as I bash Caius. He holds up his hand, finally cutting me off._

"_I'll give you the answers you seek. But you must control your temper and your voice. Even here, we are not completely alone," his eyes dart to the doorway; there is a shadow there and I remember the short Iraqi._

_"When you were on the raid, did you recognize the men you killed as those who had planted the IED at the TCP?"  
_

_My face falls instantly and he nods in silent understanding. No. I hadn't recognized them._

_"I can't remember his face," I confess._

_"I see."  
_

_I sit back in my chair, willing him to continue but dreading it all the same. I know that I'm right. _

_He sighs, rubbing his forehead, and begins._

"_VOLTOR was created in the early days of Iraqi Freedom. I can't tell you whom the order came from but know that it was from a very powerful place. Caius and I were assigned to fashion an elite squadron that would infiltrate the insurgency from within, finding the ringleaders by retaining close contact to people on the inside."_

"_People working for the U.S. but posing as insurgents?"_

"_Exactly."_

"_And so we did just that. We selected our team carefully…Alec, Jane, Demetri were original members but there were others along the way. They're…"_

"_Dead."_

"_Yes. I'm afraid so." His voice is weary._

"_About 6 months ago I received some startling information from a man named Aban Hafeez." I am startled by the now familiar name. _

"_Aban. He was Nadia's husband?"_

"_Yes." Marcus confirms._

"_He was working for the U.S. as an undercover insurgent. He and his son had been involved in an operation to uncover how terrorists were accumulating U.S. military weapons, mostly guns and ammunition, but also explosive devices. _

"_What he told me was shocking, but it was something I'd begun to fear." He pauses, considering his words. "You have heard, I presume, of Blackwater?"_

"_The private security firm, yes."_

"_Well, it turns out that a man, an insurgent that Aban knew, was involved in purchasing weapons from Blackwater—an underground arms dealing ring. One night this man was drinking and bragging to Aban, and he revealed far more than he should have. And there is more. Apparently, General Caius has been receiving millions of dollars in bribes from wealthy insurgent sympathizers to turn a blind eye to their…dealings with Blackwater. And also to allow them a certain freedom in their..activities._

"_You mean killings."_

_Marcus nods, sighing. _

"_So let me get this straight. Caius is directly benefiting from the insurgency and allowing them to go around killing innocent civilians and…U.S. soldiers?" My voice is tight._

_Marcus nods. "He's been using Project VOLTOR to eradicate U.S. informants."_

"_Like Aban. Like his son." My throat is dry, panic rising in my chest once again. I struggle to breathe. "And you've known about this? You fucking let me go and kill those men and you fucking KNEW IT all along? You knew they were innocent!"_

"_Edward. Please. Give me some credit. I had no idea the raid was taking place that evening. I was in Baghdad for a security conference and I arrived back in Tirkit just in time for the debriefing, but by then it was too late. I was shocked it had happened so quickly, but apparently he had felt the need to eradicate the threat._

"_I knew that Caius had enlisted you in VOLTOR for a reason, that he had told you we were preparing to find the operatives responsible for your friend's death. I was wary of approaching you, you must understand. I didn't know how much Caius had told you or if you were trustworthy. But now, I see that you were just a pawn in his game._

"_He used you, knowing you would be willing to do anything for revenge. But you see, I couldn't say anything because we didn't have any hard evidence—the only thing we had was hearsay, and that from an Iraqi insurgent. How would that hold up in a military tribunal? We were waiting to get pictures, some sort of concrete proof that tied Caius to the insurgency and to Blackwater. Aban was working on it…until Caius found out what he knew."_

"_The man…who told Aban about Caius."_

"_Dead." _

_I was still struggling to understand, the new information almost impossible to process. Caius had intimated that there wasn't enough evidence to convict the "insurgents," which is why they had to be eradicated at all costs. The irony as not lost on me as I recognized that the truth of the situation was a grotesque parody of his lies. _

"_But what about you? Doesn't Caius know that you know? Why hasn't he killed you?"_

"_I don't believe that Caius does know, actually. For one thing, only Caius is told who the U.S. undercover operatives are, as a matter of national security. Or so he thinks. I receive my own information. A system of checks-and-balances, if you will. Aban and I were very discreet in our dealings, and as far as Caius knows, I believe that Aban and his son were insurgents who got their just desserts. It is essential that I maintain my position within the organization, to retain Caius's trust. If I come forward now with only the word of a dead man, Caius will walk and I will most certainly be in danger."_

"_What about the others? The other members of VOLTOR?"_

"_I'm not sure how much they know about Caius's illicit activities, or whether they're on the payroll too. I suspect Jane knows more than the rest. Anyway, it's too dangerous to involve them without knowing for sure."_

"_So what are you going to do?"_

"_There are other irons in the fire, Edward. I will bide my time until I have the evidence that is needed. Until then, I will maintain my cover. There are higher-ups, colleagues of Caius, who suspect something untoward, but again we need concrete evidence."_

"_But coalition soldiers will continue to die. With weapons that WE fucking made and sold to them."_

"_Yes. But more will die if we don't get the evidence we need."_

_Suddenly, my heart grows cold as my mind starts to connect more fragments of the puzzle._

"_Jacob. The explosion…"_

_Marcus looks at me, his face betraying doubt and sadness. "I believe that the men responsible may be those that Caius is in dealings with, yes."_

_Suddenly, the rage is too much. The glass is shaking in my hand and it's too much. I throw it at the wall and it shatters into a million tiny fragments. Just like Jacob. Just like him._

"_Edward." Marcus's voice is a warning. "Don't do anything rash. Caius is beginning to suspect your loyalty. If he finds out you know…"_

_The exchange I'd had with Caius that first day when he'd asked me to joining VOLTOR comes back in a flash: _

"This is a matter of some...weight. I trust you'll use your utmost discretion and not discuss what's said here…outside of these walls."

"That depends," I shrug. "Why the hell am I here, anyway?"

"NO. Cullen." His voice is menacing. "That does not…depend. There are certain consequences for one, should one fail to comply with orders."

_Words that had seemed unnecessarily ominous that day take on a whole new meaning._

"_I don't fucking care. I'm going to kill him."_

"_Listen to me Edward. I need you alive. When I finally get the evidence we need, your testimony will be invaluable. Please. Don't let your emotions get the better of you. _

"_Caius has friends in high places and they won't be easily convinced of his treachery. I need you to maintain yourself until we get you discharged. With the way you've been acting, it shouldn't be too hard to do. All of the infractions are adding up, and I'm going to recommend immediate release from service duty due to your PTSD."_

"_I don't fucking have PTSD."_

_Marcus looks at me with pity. _

"_I'm sorry son." _

_In that moment he seems so much like my father, my eyes start tearing inadvertently and I have to look away. He thinks I'm fucking crazy. Maybe I am._

_Two weeks later I receive my discharge notice, only just barely able to read it as I sit in my bunk, my eyes bleary from lack of sleep. I haven't seen Marcus again since our talk, as he insisted it would raise suspicions if we were seen together. He told me that I should lay low stateside and wait for him to contact me, but I don't know how or when that will happen. _

_I hold the letter in my hands and am overcome. It's all over. It's just beginning. Jasper is there and I see he has tears in his eyes as we say our goodbyes. Since I joined VOLTOR we haven't spoken much, but he is a good friend and I'll miss him. He won't be discharged for another 6 months, but we agree to meet up again back home. I don't know if we ever will._

_Two hours later there is a convoy ready and I'm packed to go. If it were up to me I'd take nothing, but that might look suspicious. So I lift my satchel and head for the door._

_But before I can exit Caius is there. His eyes are dark. Deadly. His mouth is a sneer. I meet his gaze trying not to betray my fear. We are alone._

"_Cullen."_

"_General Caius."_

"_You will show me respect, Private."_

_I nod, stiffening in salute. Why is he here? _

"_I wanted to come and say my goodbyes. I must say I was surprised to learn about your discharge only this morning. Hmm…interesting. It seems Colonel Campbell felt the need to recommend it on grounds of your mental illness."_

_I tense further at the mention of Marcus's name. Something is not right. _

_Caius wouldn't have been involved in the decision regarding my discharge because I was under his direct supervision in VOLTOR, which made it a conflict of interests. But of course he would have been notified that I was leaving the army._

"_It saddens me, really. You were doing so well in VOLTOR. Such a fast learner. And obedient._

"_Colonel Campbell sends his…regrets…that he couldn't be here to wish you well. It seems you've become quite…close with him recently."_

_My blood runs cold. I remember the man at the bar. My heart is thumping so loudly I'm sure it is audible in the room._

_Of course Caius reads my discomfiture plainly._

"_And such a shame about the lovely Nadia Hafeez. She really was a beautiful woman. Unfortunately, she had a rather loud mouth. Such a shame."_

_His words hit me like lightening and I am paralyzed with fear. With horror. Nadia was dead. Her flashing black eyes. She had gotten her wish but it had only furthered my nightmare. Was Marcus dead now too? _

_Caius moves towards me steadily, menacingly, and I can't do anything but stand frozen in time and space. My world is crashing around me, and I would welcome death at this moment._

_But then I remember Jake. And the rage is like a knife in my hand. I wield it unthinkingly._

"_You'll pay for this. You're a monster." _

_He laughs. "The folly of youth." But then his hand is on my throat and I am choking. "You're lucky, Private Cullen, that you have an entourage waiting to escort you outside, because, if I had my way, you wouldn't be leaving this country."_

_And then I am on the floor, and his foot plows into the soft tissue of my side. _

_A sharp stabbing pain as I am kicked in the ribs….an audible crack. I gasp for breath, tasting blood on my lips as a searing pain in my side overwhelms me, nearly leaving me unconscious. But I fight through the pain. He will not defeat me._

_I'm surprised it is Caius here and not one of his henchmen from VOLTOR._

_Henchmen like me._

"_Cullen. We'll be watching you. We have eyes all over the world. We would hate for something to happen to you or your loved ones…that would be a shame. A pity."_

_I gasp for breath, working up enough bloodied saliva to spit on his shoe, glistening black leather in front of my face._

_He swiftly kicks my side again. Another rib cracks._

_"And really, what with your mental impairment now well-documented, who would believe you?"_

_Another kick. I gasp and curl into myself.  
_

"_I mean what I say Cullen. We have eyes. We have our way."_

_And he is gone._

And here I am, in this fucking hospital on Christmas Eve and looking out the window I notice it's snowing. I got a letter from Jasper yesterday and it lays unopened on my bedside table. I'm sure he wants to know how I'm doing. My ribs have finally knit but there is a crack wider than that still alive and growing in my chest and I know it won't ever heal. I'm just sitting and waiting until Caius sends one of his men over here to put me out of my misery.

* * *

_One month later._

The Treatment Center's yoga studio isn't much to look at…just a large white room with a wooden floor, but for me it's become a haven. A place of rest even in physical exertion. It's the only place I feel safe again, alive. Despite my initial resistance, yoga has quickly become integral to my life, to my sanity. I'm not even faking when I meet with Dr. Grayson…sure, I'm not telling her the truth. But I do feel better. I don't want die anymore, at least.

The yoga instructor is a middle-aged woman with kind eyes named Sonia. She looks ten year younger than her age and she knows a LOT about yoga and meditation and the lifestyle around it. Apparently, she thinks I have a special talent (I'm "amazingly flexible for a man") and she's encouraging me to pursue yoga once I leave the hospital next week. She's also vegetarian, and I've recently decided to become one too. Eating animals just doesn't appeal to me anymore. Killing doesn't appeal to me.

One day after class Sonia gave me a book entitled _The Yoga Sutras_ and she told me it's considered one of the foundational texts of the discipline. I read it eagerly, sometimes all night, enthralled by the philosophy that preaches peacefulness, tolerance, and discipline. The way that freedom from desires, from attachment can be attained through bodily and mental discipline. I want this.

I think about Marcus and wonder if he's alive. If he'll ever come with the evidence he was seeking. But I push this thought out of my head. There may never be an answer.

But I am still haunted by dreams of Jacob, of Nadia and Aban and their son. I've killed them all, and I'll never be free of the guilt. Nadia's words ring in my head, translated by her friend. A good woman.

"_You've taken the one who was meant for her. In Arabic we say _taw'am roHi_, soul-twin."_

Soul mate.

I read the _Sutras_ and I come to the section on _brahmacharya_, which I have understood to mean celibacy. But I am surprised that the true meaning of the word is "remembering." In the philosophy, _brahmacharya_ is the practice of remembering God, the absolute truth, the divine. Through that remembering, one restrains sensual urges, since one recognizes the uselessness and fruitlessness of worldly desires.

But for me the word "remembering" takes on an entirely different meaning.

I have not practiced restraint in my life. I have acted on impulse and I have destroyed innocent people. I have destroyed their love. But I will remember. I will remember them.

And so I make my vow that, as long as I live, I will not experience the pleasure that I have stolen from others. I will remember them, and this will be my penance.

Somewhere my mind registers that this choice is a corruption of the original philosophy, but I repress this thought.

I repress a lot of things.

* * *

**A/N. So, there it is…lots revealed in this chapter! Was it what you thought? Still have some questions?**

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	21. Mountain

**Disclaimer: SM owns all things Twilight, I own the words below. **

**Thanks to my lovely beta DiamondHeart78. She rocks my socks. And check out my profile with links to reviews of TCS and some new manips, courtesy of Lolypop82!**

**Chapter 21: Mountain **

EPOV

I couldn't help but watch her. The soft morning light filtered in just rendering her face visible, the soft lines of her features relaxed. Though it was impossible for me to sleep after the night I'd had, I was glad that Bella was able to. And just being with her made me feel at ease. She moved a little, reaching for me in her sleep, her lips parting and letting out a small sigh as she settled in my arms, and I wanted nothing more than to kiss her awake. But I resisted the urge, instead taking pleasure in allowing her to rest.

With a jolt, my thoughts finally named the emotions that had been growing in me for the last few months, feelings that had finally crystallized the night before when she had led me out of the darkness of my dreams. I had found a little bit of my soul with her, placed it in her for safekeeping.

I loved her.

My Bella.

The feelings overwhelmed me and I didn't know what to do with them. I wanted to tell her, to sweep her up and make love to her and tell her I loved her as my body proved it.

But I knew if I told her there would be no way out for her, and I needed to give her a way out. Because either I was completely insane, or I had seen Marcus in the forest last night.

And either way, it was bad news.

The problem was, I couldn't determine if it was fantasy or reality. Usually, when I had flashbacks, they happened so that once they were over and I was able to reorient myself, I understood that what had happened wasn't real. But last night, there was no such differentiation. The line between fantasy and reality was completely blurred. It honestly made much more sense for it to have been a vision, conjured by my guilty conscience—for it to be truth seemed impossible. Marcus was dead, more than likely. So that just meant I was certifiable. Well, no news there.

And then there were the nightmares. Last night I had dreamed about the conversation that I had had with Marcus all those years ago, the one where he had promised me that he'd find evidence to incriminate Caius. I didn't know how to combat the talking in my sleep; it was only matter of time before I said something that would be impossible to explain away. Something that could possibly put her in danger as well.

There was a war raging in my heart. I knew I was fucked up, too fucked up for Bella. I knew I should let her go. I didn't deserve the happiness she brought me, which of course was the reason I had resisted her for so long. But I loved her, and I was selfish. I wanted her to be with me, and until she made it clear she didn't want me, I knew I wouldn't push her away. Even the thought of her leaving me brought physical pain. And now that I had given up the celibacy, I needed her too badly. There was no way I could extricate myself from her now; she was bound to me too tightly.

So, because I couldn't tell her while she was awake, I whispered the words as she lay sleeping in my arms. I repeated them again and again, a soft prayer. _I love you Bella. I will always love you._

When she finally woke about an hour later I showed her with my mouth and my hands, with tender touches and caresses that worshipped her body the way she should have been last night. Our lovemaking was gentle and unhurried as we familiarized ourselves with each other, and I when I finally pulled her on top of me and entered her the joy of it eclipsed my doubts. And when she breathed faster and I knew she was close I watched her, memorizing the looks of pleasure on her face as we moved together and I filled her with my own climax. Whatever happened now I would carry this warm vibration in my chest, the moment I realized I loved her.

By the end of that day I decided then that I would push all of my hesitations and fears aside to be with her, right now. The longer I thought about it, the easier it was to convince myself that I hadn't seen anything after all, and that it didn't matter if I had.

It didn't hurt that I had Bella there to distract me, and of course the wedding preparations. We spent the day with Rosalie and Emmett helping them with last minute details. Well, really Bella helped Rose. After one too many mishaps with the wedding favors—tiny gauze bags that we were supposed to fill with candies but were apparently very easily ripped-Emmett and I were unceremoniously dismissed by the bride and spent the rest of the afternoon playing cards with Jasper and keeping a safe distance. I was amazed at Bella's patience with her friend, though I could tell that she was annoyed with Rose's perfectionist tendencies as they tied small yellow ribbons around little scrolls that I learned were "wedding programs." I almost laughed, but Bella shot me a warning look across the room, probably saving me from another one of Rose's verbal assaults.

Though I did my best to behave, I couldn't help but touch Bella whenever I was close to her—brushing her hair from her face, squeezing her shoulder as I passed by. Rose and Emmett obviously noticed there was something different between us…something _more_…but to their credit neither of them said anything. I was relieved that they were finally giving Bella and I a chance to just _be_, to figure things out for ourselves. I could tell, though, that Jasper was still unnerved about what had happened last night and probably confused by my erratic shifts in behavior.

Bella watched me from the corner of her eye; I knew because I was watching her too. I smiled hugely when I caught her looking, her blush a dead giveaway. Concentrating on the card game was impossible when in my mind I was dragging Bella off to bed to make love to her again. Of course Emmett and Jasper took advantage of my distraction, both of them winning each poker hand easily.

I almost started to feel…normal. Like were just any other couple doing things that couples did, and I wanted it more than anything. Though I probably should have felt guilty about breaking my vow of abstinence, I didn't, and that was surprising. Instead, I started fantasizing about Bella staying here at the Center, running it with me. What would she say if I asked her?

But I knew she had a life in New York, one that she planned to go back to once the wedding was over. Could we maintain our relationship once she left? Would she come back?

We would have to talk about this, but I didn't want to ruin the day.

While Bella was in evening practice Emmett and I went up to his room to have our tuxedo fittings courtesy of the local seamstress, an elderly woman named Margaret Cope who still made house calls. Mrs. Cope nearly stabbed me in the leg, alarmingly close to my groin, more than once. My brother wasn't so lucky, clearly, as he swore under his breath. I smirked; it served him right for making us wear tuxes during an August afternoon wedding. When I said as much he threw his hands in the air.

"Man, it wasn't my idea! It was Alice. She had a 'vision,' according to Rose. It's supposed to add an 'element of formality' to 'an otherwise casually elegant garden affair.'" Emmett was air-quoting rather violently and I laughed as Mrs. Cope clucked disapprovingly when he shifted on the footstool.

"Ahhh," I commented. Poor Emmett. I had to hand it to Alice, though; I didn't look half-bad as I glimpsed myself in the mirror. At first I'd been unsure of the light brown color, which Mrs. Cope informed us was "taupe," but it was starting to grow on me. The ivory shirt and silk tie were a nice touch. Would Bella like it?

Once we were alone, it seemed like Emmett had something else to say to me, and I gave him a look. I was tired of people tiptoeing around me like I couldn't deal with anything.

He seemed to sense my feelings, but when he finally spoke up I could see why he had been so hesitant.

"So, we got a call from Leah yesterday while you were out with Bella. She and Seth are gonna be moving, selling the house. I guess Seth is going away to college and Leah's moving to Boston for a new job. So, anyway, they were wondering if you were coming by to pick up Billy's stuff. And the bike."

This was something I knew I had to do, but had been putting it off all the same. The thought of going through Billy's stuff was hard and, honestly, I didn't know how I'd react. I hadn't seen Leah or Seth in years, either, and it was sure to be an awkward confrontation. Seth was four years younger. When we were young he'd tag along with Jake and me and, even though we had kind of viewed him as a nuisance, he was a good guy. I knew he had been disappointed when I had returned from Iraq and hadn't paid him any attention. The truth was he reminded me too much of Jake.

And then there was Leah. Though she and Jake had never officially become an item, I knew she had strong feelings for him, and while we were overseas they had frequently written letters to one another. There was more than a hint that they might be headed for something more serious when he had died. And that was another kick in the gut for me.

"Right."

"Edward, if you want, I'll go with you. Or I could go, if you don't want to…I know you didn't want dad…"

"I'll go." In my mind I had already decided that I would ask Bella to go. "When do they want me to come by?"

"Well, I guess Leah said she'd be around all day tomorrow packing, so she said that would be a good time. Seriously, though, I don't mind coming if you don't want to go alone."

"I won't go alone."

"You're gonna take Bella?"

"Yeah."

"So it seems like things are going well for you guys then? That's really great Edward."

He was being sincere and I could tell it made him uncomfortable.

"Thanks Em."

* * *

Bella came back later that evening flushed and happy. She was excited because they had been training for the student-led sessions and she and Bree had been selected to teach the final class of the retreat. I smiled at her enthusiasm as she prattled on about the chest opening sequences they had chosen for their theme, giving her encouragement when needed and suggestions when she asked. There was nothing more endearing than seeing her so happy, but the thought of the retreat ending in five days nearly sent me into a panic.

The wedding was only a week away, and then she'd be gone. I tried to maintain a calm expression to mask the gnawing fear as all the questions and worries I'd had earlier in the day returned. I didn't want to make her feel bad, and I was afraid to bring up the future because I was afraid what her answer would be.

But of course, being Bella, she could tell there was something wrong.

"Edward, what is it?" her face was alarmed.

"Nothing. Nothing."

"Don't tell me that. I can see there's something bothering you."

"Am I that transparent?"

"No. I just know how to see." Her voice was soft. "Are you mad at me? Is this about last night?"

Her vulnerability was plain and it'd been me who'd made her feel this way. I took her in my arms and kissed her forehead with a sigh.

"Of course I'm not mad at you, Bella. I could never be mad at you." I wasn't sure how to go on. She looked up at me expectantly. "And no, it's not about last night."

"Oh."

"This is hard for me to say. I just…just hearing you talk about the retreat ending. It made me think about us. About what will happen…once all this is over."

"Ohhh." Her voice had a knowing edge.

"I've been thinking…I want to know how you feel about it." I was hedging, skirting around the issue. I'd never had a talk like this before and I felt incredibly shy, even though it was Bella sitting with me. Bella, looking beautiful as she stroked my cheek.

"How I feel about the retreat ending? Or us?"

"Both."

"I don't want either to end."

"Me neither."

I felt an incredible weight lifted off my shoulders and laughed as we simultaneously exhaled sighs that expressed our mutual anxiety. But that still didn't answer the question of how we'd make it work.

"Bella," I began, "it might be…difficult…for me to visit you. I don't do well in big cities, as you've probably guessed. I'm afraid you'll come to resent me if you always have to come here, that you'll get frustrated. And I guess I'm worried about the distance. You'll be in New York with friends I don't know…a new job...there're so many options for you. I'd hate for you to feel held back because of me. I don't know if I can give you what you need. Maybe you'll meet someone…"

She saved me from my rambling with a kiss, our mouths moving in unison until I was panting and seconds away from throwing her down on the bed and having my way with her as I'd dreamed about doing all day. But she pulled away, placing her finger on my wet lips before I could speak.

"The only thing I need is to know that you want to make this work. That's what I want too. You don't have to worry about me resenting you, or about any of those other things. I won't. I'll come and visit whenever I can and I'll be glad to. And you don't have to worry about other men, Edward. No one even comes close to you. Please believe me."

I looked into her eyes and I saw truth there.

No longer able to keep my hands to myself, I ran my fingers down over her sides, feeling the fabric of one the tank top she wore—one of those little ones that she knew drove me to distraction. She giggled as my hands moved across the sensitive area of her lower back, and I leaned back and pulled her over to her side next to me on the bed.

"You don't know how happy it makes me to hear you say that."

"I think I do. I feel the exact same way. It's going to be okay, Edward. I promise." She rested her head on her arm and relaxed as I continued to kiss her neck, her shoulders, her face, and finally her mouth. There was nothing that I wanted more than to believe her words, that what we had wouldn't be lost despite everything.

My desperation came through in my mouth, as I removed her shirt to bite and suck her nipples. I took my time, giving each breast attention, their soft firmness a miracle under my hands. Soon Bella was writhing and I could tell she wanted more, so I began my journey down her body until I was positioned between her legs, only the slight material of her cotton shorts between my mouth and my prize. I rubbed here there and she arched her back, a small moan escaping from her lips as I covered the fabric with my mouth and exhaled, warming her and feeling her reciprocal heat. She smelled of sweat and sweet and just…Bella.

"You're insatiable, Mr. Cullen," Bella joked, betraying her own desire with her breathless words.

"Only for you."

* * *

BPOV

A little after noon on the following day we pulled up to a small white house in Jasper's car; Edward had been silent in the passenger's seat the entire way to Seth and Leah's, and I could tell he was nervous by the way he was fidgeting, running his hands through his hair and bouncing his knee. I reached my hand over and stilled his leg, giving him a small squeeze and a smile in preparation for what we were about to do.

He nodded at me and I got out of the car, wincing a little at the pleasant soreness between my legs. Edward was certainly well endowed, and in the past two days we had had sex five times. Not that I was counting or anything. And every one of those experiences had been amazing, different, yet familiar. The exhilaration that I felt was intensified by the knowledge that Edward was finally letting go, allowing himself to be happy. Releasing his need after years of denial had made him a fantastic lover, both dominating and eager to please, and I was just as eager as he was. I smiled when I thought of the satisfied look on his face when I told him that he was the only man who'd ever made me come with his mouth alone. I'd never felt comfortable enough with anyone else.

We were like two horny high-schoolers groping each other whenever we got a chance, and I was loving it. But it also made me sad that Edward had missed this. He had so much to give, and yet he kept himself closed off because he didn't see himself clearly. The way I did.

There was a little cobbled path that led under a couple of tall birches to the front door of the Clearwater's house, and Edward took my hand in his as we made our way. There was movement on the side of the house and a tall, breathtakingly gorgeous woman with bronzed skin and long black hair emerged to greet us, who I assumed was Leah. Edward stiffened by my side and I could see them sizing each other up. He had told me a little bit about the history there, so I knew this would be an uncomfortable meeting. Still, I felt proud of him for coming.

Finally, Leah extended her hand and Edward dropped mine to take it.

"Edward."

"Leah."

"It's been a long time."

"Yeah, it has." He shifted nervously under her gaze. It wasn't angry, just a bit skeptical. She turned her attention to me and smiled, showcasing white straight teeth. I couldn't help but feel a little mousy next to her willowy perfection. I shook her proffered hand.

"Hi."

"Hi," she said, "and you are…"

"Bella," Edward answered, somewhat annoyingly, for me. "This is my girlfriend, Bella."

All the annoyance flew out the window. His _girlfriend_! I nearly squealed inappropriately. My eyes met Edward's and he smiled sheepishly, then looked down to the ground, as if sure I'd take offense or correct him. He was so darned cute I wanted to tackle him.

"Well, welcome Bella." She flashed another killer smile. So this was Jake's almost-not-quite-girlfriend. Wow.

Leah led us around the house as she and Edward made small talk, skirting around issues I knew were sensitive. Apparently her brother Seth wasn't at home, but she was expecting him to return soon.

"He'll be happy to see you, Edward," she concluded. "I hope you stick around till he gets back."

Edward nodded. "I'd like that."

"Billy didn't have much, but we stored it out here since there was no room in the house with all the packing." She gestured towards a few stacked boxes covered with a large green tarp.

Edward stood staring blankly at an object just beyond the mound and I followed his gaze to rest on a small motorbike, painted bright red. Leah noticed too.

"And yeah, that's Jake's bike. Billy left it for you, too." There was a hint of bitterness in her voice that was hard not to acknowledge. It was becoming clear that she felt slighted by Billy's final wishes.

Edward nodded and moved towards the bike, his fingers lightly playing over the seat, the handlebars. It was in excellent condition.

"If you're wondering, it's all Seth," she said, as if in answer to my question. "He's been riding that bike since Jake left." Her voice was harder now, the edge clearer.

"I see," Edward said.

"Well, I'll just leave you to it then," Leah said, turning to go.

"Ummm...Leah." Edward's voice was soft. "Is there anything…you want here? Please, take anything you'd like."

She walked back towards us, her expression softening. "Thank you, Edward. I appreciate it. But I have everything I need right here." She tapped her head. It wasn't a challenge, just a truth.

"But thanks for asking."

Edward nodded, his eyes still focused on the bike.

"It was nice to meet you, Bella," Leah said, "but if you'll excuse me I have a lot of stuff to do in the house. Please, take your time out here."

"It was nice to meet you too. Thanks."

"Leah?" Edward questioned hesitantly. "Thank you…for taking care of Billy. He loved you, you know."

"Yeah." Her voice was contemplative. "He loved you too, Edward."

They were having a moment and I felt a bit intrusive, the air tense with words unspoken, but Edward grabbed my hand again, looking for assurance and giving me the same.

"It's good to see you, Edward."

"You too. Good luck in Boston."

"Thanks. I'll need it."

Once Leah left us, Edward lifted the tarp, unveiling five large boxes containing mostly papers and books, from the look of it. He sighed, running his hand through his hair.

"Where to start?"

"Umm…maybe we can take it all back to the Center and then sort it out there?"

Honestly, I wasn't sure Edward was up for an epic investigation of Billy's belongings just yet. He was silent, poking through the boxes, lifting items and then replacing them almost reverently. He picked up a photo album and leafed through it, a smile playing on the corners of his mouth. I peeked over his shoulder, wanting to see what was causing his reaction. There were two boys in the picture wearing clothes that screamed 90's. One was short and stocky with close-cropped dark hair and a huge toothy grin, the other, tall, fair, with just a hint of freckling on his nose and a shock of unruly copper hair. That was the boy I loved.

They were standing together on the top of what looked like a rock formation, their hands thrust on their hips. The scene itself was vaguely familiar.

I ran my finger over the boy that was Edward. "So handsome."

"I was a nerd."

"I don't believe that."

"Believe it, Bella." He chuckled.

"Who took that picture?"

"Billy." Of course.

We spent the better part of an hour pouring over the album as Edward shared the stories that went with the pictures. Jacob and Edward were featured prominently in most of them, but there were other faces I recognized too—Carlisle, Emmett, Leah, Billy, and a woman with long wavy hair and Edward's eyes, his mother Esme. There was a younger boy who Edward indicated was Seth.

The photos were organized chronologically and I nearly howled with laughter when we got to Edward's band's photo—The "LGR." There they were, clad in black leather jackets and ripped jeans…Jake, Edward, and a boy taller than Edward…Sam. A matching trio. Jake was leaning against his bike while the other two stood at a bit of a distance. Edward's black guitar was slung low on his hip; his arms were crossed as he gazed into the camera in what was, I presumed, supposed to be a cynical stare. Really, he just looked adorable.

"Sam was always trying to get into Leah's pants, but she just wouldn't have it," he chuckled. "Poor guy."

"She only had eyes for Jake."

"Yep. Anyway, I hear he married some girl named Emily and they have about five kids now, so I guess it worked out for him in the end."

"It seems like it."

I looked at the picture again; I felt kind of bad for laughing, but it really was funny to see the self-serious teenagers they'd been. The next page shut me up quick—prom photos featuring Jake and Leah, and Edward and a tall blonde girl wearing an emerald green dress. His arms were wrapped around her and he looked pleased as punch.

"Hmm…this picture, I don't like as much."

He flipped the book shut and tousled my hair. "What, are you jealous? You didn't go to the prom?"

Embarrassingly enough, I hadn't. I shook my head.

"Well there must have been something wrong with the guys at your school."

"There was," I agreed, still a little annoyed at the blonde girl.

"Bella, you have no reason to be jealous. I prefer brunettes," he teased.

"I know. I'm just being stupid. I just wish I had known you in high school. That I could have been, you know…"

"My girlfriend?" He smiled crookedly.

"Yeah, that."

"Well…better late than never." His lips met mine in a kiss that left my toes tingling as I grasped his shoulders and leaned into his chest.

"You didn't…mind that I told Leah you were my girlfriend?"

"Oh yeah," I murmured. "Big time. It totally undermined my feminist sensibilities."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm kidding Edward, jeez." He could be so sensitive. "It made me happy. Really, really happy," I affirmed, rubbing my hand over his stubbly jaw. The smile returned to his face, causing his eyes to crinkle the way I loved.

In the distance I heard the sound of an approaching car, and pulled away from Edward to see an old Ford mustang pull up the drive. A young man clambered out and lit a cigarette before noticing us in the garage. Edward walked toward him. This must be Seth.

He looked surprised to see us, or rather, me.

"Hey," said Edward.

"Hey."

Seth dropped his smoke, toeing it out with his sneaker. "I was hoping I'd see you," he said. "I didn't wanna go, you know, without saying goodbye."

"I haven't exactly been the greatest friend," Edward admitted.

"No. But I know why. Anyway, that's all in the past. It's good to see you now." With that Seth hugged Edward tightly. Edward was frozen for a minute but then responded, his arms slapping Seth's back in that way guys have.

I introduced myself and shook Seth's hand. His smile lit up his face, which was quite boyish though he was my age. Seth had no pretenses, no bitterness and, though it was perhaps foolish, he was admirably forgiving. I liked him immediately. Unlike his sister, Seth was full of excitement and quite talkative. Edward relaxed, his usually reserved demeanor giving way. I smiled, watching them ferret through the boxes Billy had left behind, two friends at ease with each other despite the years that had passed.

After a while, Seth helped us to load Jasper's car with the boxes. We all stood by the car as Seth described how excited he was to finally be going to college—I was surprised to learn he was going to be attending CUNY, my alma mater, in the fall. We chatted a bit about which professors to take and which to avoid, and agreed to meet up in New York once he was settled in, exchanging numbers. A quick glance at the frown on Edward's face told me he wasn't too thrilled about that prospect, but Seth didn't seem to notice.

"So, you wanna go grab Jake's bike?" Seth asked. "I can probably find some bungee chords to rig it to the roof. Or, if you like, I could ride it over to the Center if you'll give me a lift back?"

"About that," Edward started, "I'd like you to keep the bike."

"What? No, I couldn't. Billy wanted you to have it."

"And I want you to have it. Look, Seth, I don't really drive anymore anyway, and you've had it all these years. Jake was your friend too. It's right you should keep it."

Seth looked surprised, but pleased. "Alright, man. Awesome. Thanks."

Edward waved it off like it was no big deal. But it was. The tears that shone in Seth's eyes made it clear.

They hugged again and Seth caught me off guard by pulling me in for one once he released Edward.

"It's nice to meet you, Bella. I'll look forward to having a friend in New York." Glancing over his shoulder I was met with a smoldering glare from Edward, and I silently cursed Seth's exuberance.

We got in the car and waved goodbye as I pulled away from the house. Edward was tense and I knew it was because I'd promised to see Seth. I reached out to touch him tentatively.

"Edward. I told you there was no reason to worry. Please. Don't be like this."

"Like what, Bella?" He snapped and I was taken aback, removing my hand from his knee.

"Jealous like this. There's no way anything would ever happen between Seth and me, Edward. How can you so easily misjudge my feelings for you?"

He sighed deeply, muttering as much to himself as to me. "I'm sorry, Bella. I'm being an ass. I just hate the thought of you leaving, you know?"

"I know."

He drew my hand back and kissed it, then placed it on his leg, his fingers lightly tracing a pattern on my palm. It seemed like he was writing something there.

We pulled up to the Center and I leaned over, taking his face in my hands and giving him a long kiss laced with intent. There was only him. There wouldn't be another man for me.

Unfortunately, we were interrupted by a familiar squeal that reverberated through the opened windows.

"OHMYGODBELLAOHMYGOD!"

_Damn Alice._

_

* * *

_

**A/N: The response to my last chapter was just amazing. I treasure every one of your comments and reviews. Thanks so much for your support of TCS, all the Twitter shout-outs, and all of the love you've given me on blogs and fansites. **

**Reviewers get to make out with Edward in Jasper's car. Or at another location of their choice. Without Alice interrupting. **


	22. Noose

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight; I own the words below.**

**A/N: Thanks to my beta DiamondHeart78! Love you, woman. And thanks to Lolypop82 for the Yogiward manips, and to RoseArcadia for the TCS blinkie; check out my profile to see it all!**

A few recs this week:

_Osa Bella_ by Myg. I really am captivated by this story. Edward is a vamp, and Bella is the H.S. guidance counselor…she's drawn to him but is resistant for obvious reasons. Very well written and worth a go!

_Sinnerman_ by Detochkina. It's her first fic and very well done! She needs some love, and she deserves it!

_Waking Up_ by RiaMaria. This one I LOVE. One day, Vamp Edward wakes up as a human. The EPOV is great—he is in all respects a 17-year-old boy.

But if you read one thing, you **MUST** read _Daniel Gale: Cumming_ to America by danielgaleh00rs. It's a delightful _Twilight/The Mother's Handbook_ crossover fic and it will have you laughing your asses off in no time. Trust me on this one. If you don't know _The Mother's Handbook_, it's a British comedy featuring our beloved Robert. You won't miss Edward, I promise.

* * *

_We pulled up to the Center and I leaned over, taking his face in my hands and giving him a long kiss laced with intent. There was only him. There wouldn't be another man for me._

_Unfortunately, we were interrupted by a familiar squeal that reverberated through the opened windows._

_"OHMYGODBELLAOHMYGOD!"_

_Damn Alice._

**Chapter 22: Noose**

BPOV

Turning around, I nearly jumped out of my seat. Alice's face was pressed against the glass of the partially opened window, her little hands gripping the lowered pane. An open-eyed admixture of confusion, excitement, and panic contorted her features. And was she panting?

About ten paces beyond her, closer to the house, stood a discombobulated Jasper. His hand was raised to his forehead, shielding his eyes from the sun as he waved at us eagerly. There was desperation in his movements that indicated Alice was one whirlwind he hadn't prepared for.

"Hi. Al," I said, giving Edward's leg a squeeze and releasing it to grip the handle.

"Back up. I'm coming out."

She hesitated a beat, then released the window and stepped away from the car, her eyes darting between Edward and me. I gave him a half-smile trying to indicate my apologies, and then clambered out of the car to face the onslaught.

I was immediately ensnared in a ferocious hug. Alice was small, but she was surprisingly strong. "You _hooker_," she whispered through her teeth, not quietly enough, since Edward had just appeared at my side. "Tell me _everything_."

"Later, Al," I said, patting her back and disentangling myself. She noticed Edward standing beside me and straightened a bit, giving him what I liked to call her skeptical hippo look. The last time I talked to Alice, she had wanted to kick Edward in the balls. I hoped she could restrain the urge now.

"Edward," she said coolly.

"Alice. It's nice to see you," Edward replied, ignoring her tone. I felt a bit smug as I noticed her expression falter.

"I hope your trip went well," he added for additional effect.

"Yes. It did. Thanks." Alice's eyes were frantically searching my face for clues and I smiled serenely back at her, which I knew of course drove her crazy.

Jasper approached warily, and, almost as a predator sensing its prey, Alice whirled around, yanking his arm and forcing him to join us.

"Hi guys," he mumbled sheepishly. "How'd it go at Leah's?"

I waited for Edward to respond.

"Fine." He didn't appear to want to elaborate, nodding towards the car and asking Jasper to help him carry the boxes of Billy's belongings into the house. Alice took the opportunity to grab me by the arm and drag me away from the car towards the backyard. She was hissing something in my ear about friends trusting friends and confiding in friends and how disappointed she was that I hadn't called her. I listened to her ramblings dispassionately, realizing that she wouldn't listen to anything I said at this moment anyway.

When we reached the rear of the Center I was surprised by what I saw. Laurent had fired up a gigantic charcoal grill and was busily preparing what looked like mounds of hamburgers but which I knew were probably veggie patties. There was a large table set up near the grill, covered with all manner of salads, pastas, and other vegetarian side dishes. The rest of the retreat members, including Rose and Emmett, were lounging around on chairs and blankets set up around the yard. I noticed Garrett swinging in a large finely woven hammock that I'd never seen before, secured between two medium sized birch trees. He noticed me and waved lazily in our direction.

"Who's that?" Alice's eyes were wide again.

"Don't ask," I snorted. This was not the time or place for that conversation.

Emmett saw us, shooting up from his reclining position next to Rose and loping over, hugging me as if he hadn't seen me in weeks.

"Bella!" He looked me over worriedly, holding me at arms length. "How is he? How'd it go?" Alice looked confused.

I was touched by his obvious concern for his brother and I patted his shoulder, indicating I wanted to be released. "He's surprisingly fine, actually. I mean, it was emotional. But he handled it pretty well. Jasper's helping Edward bring Billy's stuff inside. "

Emmett released me with a sigh of relief. "Thank fuck."

"He's stronger than you give him credit for Emmett."

"Maybe. But I can't help thinking it has something to do with you, little girl." I flushed, embarrassed. Could I help it if I hoped he was just a little bit right?

"Can someone please tell me what's going on? This being in the dark thing is getting really annoying," Alice complained.

"Later, Al."

I could have sworn she stamped her foot.

"So what's all this?" I indicated the party, which was now in full swing. Someone had brought out an iPod deck and the sounds of Miles Davis wafted through the air, complementing the smell and sizzle of the grill. The late afternoon heat was giving way to cooler evening, and I instantly felt relaxed.

"Well, we have a cookout every year at the end of the retreat, kind of a celebration. This year, we're doing it a little earlier because of the wedding. It's great, huh?"

"Yeah." I had to agree. "You guys have the perfect backyard for it."

"And, isn't it freaking cool, we just got this awesome hammock!" Emmett gestured to where Garrett had been and I noticed the swing was now vacant. My eyes scanned the field, wondering where he'd gone, then noticed he was by the grill chatting and laughing with Laurent. Well, at least someone was happy that ass was still here.

"Bellllla. Let's go talk to Rose." Alice was tugging at me again and Emmett smiled at her giving her a little squeeze.

"Go on shorties. I'm gonna go find Edward and Jazz."

Rose was staring at us bemusedly from her position at the far end of the lawn, away from most of the revelry. She patted the blanket for us to sit and I felt my legs give way wearily beneath me. It had been a long day and I was ready for some rest and relaxation.

Too bad Alice had other plans.

"Oh. My. God. Bella, spill. I'm _dying _here." Alice was nearly bouncing and Rose laughed.

I looked at my friend fondly. I had missed her and her enthusiasm the past couple of weeks, and she did deserve an explanation regarding all the craziness going on. I glanced around, noting we were far enough out of earshot to carry on an intimate conversation comfortably.

And so I told her. Most of it. Knowing Alice was skeptical of Edward's motivations, I tried to emphasize his sweetness, the happiness I felt when I was with him, without getting too sappy. I didn't tell them about what I knew of Edward's past, focusing only on the progression of our relationship. Rosalie listened, interrupting once in a while to highlight some memorable moments, in particular the time Emmett had heard me fellating Edward in the shower.

"Edward's apparently a moaner," Rose quipped and Alice clapped her hand over her mouth, stifling a laugh. I shoved the bride-to-be, my face aflame.

"Hey, watch it there," she said, rubbing her arm. "I have to wear a wedding dress in a few days."

"Well, shut the fuck up, Rose!"

"Oh lighten up, Bella! It was funny."

Alice was now cackling with laughter. But I silenced them both with my hand. They'd just lost the privilege of hearing about Tanglewood.

"So, what's the deal?" Alice asked. "He was celibate and now you've clearly had your way with him…"

"You say that like I'm some sort of evil temptress."

"Well, you are, duh!" She replied, rolling her eyes. "Did you find out why he didn't put out for so long?"

It bothered me that they were talking about it so light-heartedly, especially since I sensed the pain that must've caused Edward to make the choice he had.

"It's not a game, Al, and it's not a joke." She looked chastened, her face sobering at my words.

"I'm sorry, Bells. I was just trying to lighten up the situation."

"Well, it's not funny to me." Apparently my sense of humor was lacking where Edward was concerned. I had to remind myself that, though my friends knew about the PTSD, they had no idea of the depth of Edward's guilt. I couldn't be too hard on them.

Looking up I saw Edward, Jasper, and Emmett exiting the Center and heading over towards the food. Edward caught my glance and gave me a smile and a nod, understanding that I was having some girl-time with Alice and Rose. I couldn't help but nervously watch him move over to the table where Laurent and Garrett stood. Garrett seemed uneasy around the three newcomers, and I wasn't surprised to see him leave a few seconds later.

"So that's the guy who put the moves on you, huh?" Alice indicated Garrett's retreating form.

"He kind of shoved his tongue down my throat. Yeah."

"And Edward saved you!" Alice clapped. "That's soo romantic!"

"It was kind of awful, all around, really," I shuddered, remembering. Not romantic in the slightest. Well, I had been thrilled that Edward had finally shown his feelings for me, but still, the fight was brutal.

"So have you had 'the talk?' You know, the relationship one?" Alice asked. Rose's ears perked up, diverting her attention from ogling Emmett as he munched on his sandwich.

"Yeah…actually…I think he's my boyfriend." The words coming out of my mouth were foreign. When Edward had called me his girlfriend it had felt strange and spectacular. But funnily enough I hadn't considered the fact that this made him _my boyfriend_ as well. Mine. A warm feeling heated my chest.

"What do you mean, you think?" Rose interjected.

"He is. I meant he is. It just happened today." Suddenly I felt uncomfortable talking about Edward with my friends; I wanted what had happened between us to remain private, cherished only by me.

"You're so in love with him, Bella. My god, the look on your face is truly sickening. I've never seen you look like this before." Despite her sarcastic remarks, the tone of Alice's voice betrayed her happiness; slowly but surely, she was becoming Team Edward. I couldn't deny her accusation, looking down and rolling a strand of grass between my fingers in an effort to avoid further interrogation.

"Well, so what's gonna happen when you leave in a few days?" They both looked at me expectantly.

"We're going to try and make it work. I'll come up to visit when I can and…hopefully…Edward will work his way up to visiting me.

"He's not good in big cities, but I hope that maybe now, he'll want to get help or something. Maybe go to therapy…

"Whatever happens, I've gotta get a good job. All of this mooching off of Charlie is too much. I feel so bad even being here right now; he's basically paying for my vacant apartment." I sighed, running my hand through my hair; just speaking aloud the reality of my finances was stressful.

The look on Alice's face was familiar. She was hatching a devious scheme.

"This is gonna sound so crazy but why don't you move up here? I mean, with Emmett gone Edward will need more help! It's perfect! Then you'll have a job and be able to stay with your man too!"

"_What_? Emmett's leaving?" Of course he was. It seemed so obvious. Rose had a great job in the city and an awesome apartment, and they were getting married. There'd be nothing for her to do up here, and Emmett's job at the Center gave him management skills that would be easily transferable to another career. I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it coming—all of a sudden the reality of their marriage was very clear.

And from the looks of the daggers shooting out of her eyes, Rose wasn't too thrilled with Alice.

"I can't tell you anything, you little blabbermouth," she grumbled.

"I'm sorry!" Alice squeaked.

I didn't care that she hadn't confided in me; my thoughts were only for Edward. "Rose. Edward doesn't know. Why aren't you telling him? How could Emmett keep this from him? He's going to be devastated."

"God, Bella, don't you think we don't know that? Emmett has tried to bring it up several times, but shit always starts to go wrong and then he feels like he can't. We decided to wait 'till after the wedding, just in case Edward really freaks out. He's Emmett's best man, and, well…we don't want to cause a scene."

"Wow. Rose. That's so freaking selfish. I can't believe what I'm hearing from you right now." Her revelation, as inevitable as it was, made me livid. I started gathering myself up off the blanket, barely able to contain my anger. Rose stopped me before I could, pulling me back down.

"I'm sorry Bella, but you must know it's true. Can you guarantee Edward won't flip?" Her tone switched from demanding to beseeching. "Please. You can't tell him. It's between Emmett and Edward. Promise you won't say anything."

"Rose is right, Bella," Alice interceded. "He's just gonna get mad at you if you tell him. If Emmett made the mistake, he's the one who should have to deal with it."

"But he trusts me," I whispered. "How can I keep something like this from him? I don't want to lie."

"It's not a lie, Bella. It's an omission," Rose rationalized. "And does a few more days make a difference now?"

I guess it didn't, but that didn't make me any more comfortable. "Fine. But if he asks me directly, or if he says anything about it, I'm not going to lie."

"I guess that's all I can ask," Rose sounded resigned.

Alice was more optimistic. "Well…that still doesn't change the fact that you could totally stay up here Bella! I don't see why it couldn't work out. I mean, you still don't have a job, and you're living in that hovel in Queens…"

"My apartment is not a hovel. It's an efficiency."

"It's a hovel." She reaffirmed.

It was kind of a hovel.

"It's a nice fantasy, Alice, but honestly, it still feels a little soon for me to be moving in with Edward. We just became official today. And besides…" I realized what was really bothering me.

"What?"

"He hasn't asked me. And I'm sure as hell not bringing it up."

"Well, I don't know, Bella. He's been staring over here all this time watching you like you're about to disappear. I think he might be interested in getting you to stay."

"He has?" I'd been trying to focus on my friends and had resisted seeking out Edward. But my giddy schoolgirl reaction betrayed how present he'd been in my thoughts, eliciting a groan from Rose.

"Well, Bella, I do have something to tell you, but I don't want you to get too excited. There's an entry-level opening at the agency, and I…kinda submitted your resume to Tanya…and well…she'!" Alice's squeal reverberated through the forest.

"Really?" Denali Ltd. was a high-profile advertising agency, and having a job there would definitely put me on-track to other jobs in publishing. But I wasn't as excited as I should have been.

"Mmm-hmmm," Alice whispered conspiratorially. "She wants you to come for a formal interview when you get back. But, I put in a good word and, well, I think there's a good chance you'll get it! OHMYGOD, can you imagine us working together!"

"Wow. That's really nice of you Al. Thanks."

"This is great news Bella!" Rose exclaimed. "Maybe you can even give up your apartment and move to Manhattan."

"Yeah. Great." Three weeks ago this conversation would've made my day. Now it just depressed me.

The evening had darkened considerably since we had been sitting, and I turned to see Edward striding over to us with a plate in his hand. He looked a bit tense and my heart was in my throat thinking about the secret I now had to keep from him. I worried for a minute that he knew we'd been talking about him, but then I remembered he was probably afraid of Alice.

"Hi," he said shyly. "I don't want to interrupt. But Bella, I thought you might be hungry. You haven't had anything all day." He passed me a plate mounded with more food than I could eat in three meals. I took it, trying to mask my surprise as I eyed it.

"Sorry. I know it's a lot. I just wanted to bring you everything, since I didn't know what you'd like."

Alice let out a dramatic sigh that was nearly an "awwww" and I tried to covertly kick her.

"Thanks, Edward. This is great. I'm really hungry and everything looks awesome." He looked pleased by my reassurance, relaxing a bit.

"Okay. Well. I'll leave you girls, then. I'll just be over helping Emmett, Bella." He gestured towards the fire pit where Emmett was beginning to arrange logs for what I assumed would be a bonfire.

"No. You have to sit!" Alice was insistent. "I don't think we've ever really talked and Bella's been telling us sooo much about you!"

"She has?" He appeared amused. "Interesting."

"Alice." I hissed under my breath, wanting to spare both Edward and myself from her nosiness. I didn't want her questioning Edward about his past and making him uncomfortable.

"Oh relax, Bella," she said, patting the blanket next to me.

I shouldn't have worried. Her focus lay in quite a different area. She spent the next half hour worming information about Jasper out of Edward, who surprised me by being quite open to answering her ridiculous questions. Alice was firmly on Edward's side by the end of their conversation, leaning over to me and whispering "He's a keeper" in my ear. As if I didn't already know that.

Later I questioned him about it as we made our way over to the now roaring fire.

"Poor Jasper. I can't believe you were ratting him out like that. He's afraid of spiders? Really?" I laughed. "You made Alice's day."

"Yes. Well…I think Alice might be good for him."

"How so?"

"She's a nice girl. And to be honest, he needs to get laid."

Now THAT was funny.

Most of the guests were sitting around the fire on chairs they had pulled up from the lawn, but Edward led me a little distance away to where the new hammock hung. I gasped as he swung his legs onto it and pulled me down onto him as the contraption teetered wildly, nearly tipping over in the process.

"God! Edward. Are you sure this thing can hold us?" Our combined weight was making it creak a little as we swayed side to side.

"No," he admitted. "But I figured it was worth a shot. I've been wanting to steal you away all night."

"Me too."

The rest of the party seemed far away now that we were together, aside from the sounds of occasional laughter and low conversation. In the distance I could see Rose was seated in between Emmett's legs and he was playing absentmindedly with her hair. And I was not very surprised to see Alice immersed in a discussion with a much more relaxed-looking Jasper.

But I only noticed these things in passing. My mind was full of Edward's nearness, his scent and the press of his body against me. Even though we weren't doing anything sexual, I got a secret thrill from feeling him respond to me, unable to resist a little wriggle to make him groan.

The hammock was large and surprisingly comfortable once we were settled, and I snuggled back into Edward as he wrapped his arms tightly around me.

"So what _were_ you talking about over there?" He asked. I felt immediately uncomfortable thinking about the information that Rose had asked me to withhold.

"Oh, nothing. Just about going back. Getting jobs. Alice told me that a position's opened up at Denali Ltd. and that her boss is interested in me."

"Denali? As in Tanya Denali?" Edward asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"She's been a guest here before." He said gruffly, not sounding too pleased.

"Oh. Right." I had forgotten that Tanya had been the one to suggest the Cullen Center in the first place. "So…you didn't like her?" There was a little niggling jealousy in the back of my mind. I'd met Tanya once and she was a beautiful woman with a great body.

"Not really."

"Hmm."

"So, are you gonna take it?" He asked emotionlessly.

"Umm. Well. I don't know. Maybe. I mean, I haven't been offered anything yet. I still have to interview. I probably should though. It's just what I've been looking for."

"You should take it." His answer surprised me and, to be honest, hurt a little. Though I knew that it was highly unlikely that he'd ask me to stay on at the Center, I guess that's what I'd been hoping all along.

Looking upward, the darkened sky was punctuated with millions of stars, and I noticed occasional streaks of light, almost too quick for sensory perception.

"Edward…are those…shooting stars?" Living in the city for so long, I hadn't really looked at such a clear night sky in years.

"It's the Perseid meteor shower. Happens once a year." His voice was quiet.

"Wow. There're so many." The little bursts of light seemed to increase exponentially the longer we lay there. No sooner had one stopped than another had begun, and I found it difficult to trace their patterns across the sky. "It's pretty amazing."

He was silent, absentmindedly twirling my hair.

"Aren't we supposed to make a wish or something?" I asked playfully. "Or, like a thousand wishes in this case?"

"Well. We wouldn't want to get greedy. Maybe we should just make one."

"Deal." I agreed. I made my wish and I wondered if Edward's and mine were one and the same.

* * *

EPOV

I wanted to stop time because the days were moving too fast. But that wasn't what I wished for.

And I lied to Bella. Because I made more than one.

I wished I was normal again and could give her the life she deserved.

I wished that she loved me.

I wished that she would stay.

But I knew she couldn't, even though I was becoming increasingly dependant on her.

If she hadn't been with me at Leah and Seth's, I had no idea how I would have made it through. But she was, and she gave me a reason to hold it together.

I still didn't like the idea of Bella seeing Seth back in New York. But what could I do about it? Forbid her? No. That wasn't the kind of man I wanted to be.

So I supposed I would just have to deal with it. To trust her.

The following days went by in a whirl of Center activities and wedding preparations; Bella was extremely busy and involved in both and, though I participated to some extent, I was mostly on the sidelines. She seemed so happy, especially when she was practicing with Bree for their joint yoga class, and I didn't want to burden her with my increasing glumness. So I watched her, studying her movements, listening to her voice, all the while choking down the words I wanted to say, words that threatened to erupt violently.

I started reading again. There were hundreds of books in the boxes Billy had left; I'd never known he was such an avid reader. Bella laughed at me when she saw me with a copy of _Jude the Obscure_, accusing me of being melancholic. Maybe I was.

"Well, you should at least read Keats, then," she said, grabbing a volume from my shelf and opening to a random page.

"You don't like Hardy?"

"I do. But I prefer my emo in a more poetic form." That was the second time someone had called me that—first Emmett, and now Bella. I wasn't sure I liked it.

"Here. This is one of my favorites."

As she read the sonnet I couldn't help but be struck with the irony—there wasn't a more apt poem to reflect my mood. But the tragedy of Keats' life was that he had died so young, with so much promise, and the tragedy of mine was quite the opposite. And then of course there was Fanny Brawne, the woman that Keats loved but couldn't be with because of his poor health and financial difficulties. Perhaps we did share some similarities after all.

"When I have fears that I may cease to be

Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,

Before high piled books, in charactry,

Hold like rich garners the full ripen'd grain;

When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face,

Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,

And think that I may never live to trace

Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;

And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,

That I shall never look upon thee more,

Never have relish in the fairy power

Of unreflecting love; -then on the shore

Of the wide world I stand alone, and think

Till love and fame to nothingness do sink."

When she finished she shut the book, looking at me inscrutably. Had she chosen it intentionally, knowing how I was feeling? Or was she trying to tell me something? She leaned over, placing a kiss on my lips, a kiss that quickly escalated into more as I pulled her to me, desperate for the contact of her skin. That afternoon we made love for hours until I didn't know where my body ended and hers began, the flush of her rosy against my tanned skin.

I had never felt so utterly fulfilled and unfulfilled at the same time. And my tiredness wasn't helping. Since my last nightmare had awoken Bella, I had been fighting sleep more and more, often only getting a few hours a night. I didn't want to risk saying something that she shouldn't hear.

I pushed these feelings aside, though, when I was with her, not wanting to waste a minute of our time together. And we didn't.

On the final day of the retreat, I found myself seated on a mat in Studio A waiting for Bella and Bree to begin their class. The reversal of our positions was quite humorous, and I was pleased I could participate since my side was feeling much better. Jasper had set up his mat next to mine, with Alice to his right, and even Rose and Emmett were there. I could tell Bella was nervous, whispering with Bree as everyone was getting settled. She took off her sweatpants and went over to turn on the music, and my throat went dry at the sight of her ass clad in the tiniest blue yoga shorts I had ever seen. She bent over a little more enthusiastically than perhaps was necessary and I felt my cock twitch, silently thanking god I had chosen to wear shorts that would keep it under control. Well, as much as was possible.

The situation was worsened when I realized what music she'd chosen. The very same that I'd played that night when she came to me in the studio. Remembering that kiss, how much I'd wanted her, how much I still did, sent the blood rushing to the place where I just didn't need it right now. I shifted uncomfortably and Jasper looked over at me, smirking and raising his eyebrow. Apparently Bella was going to give as good as she'd gotten.

They'd decided to divide the class the way that Jasper and I did when we co-taught, with Bree leading the dialogue and Bella assisting. I gulped, realizing what this would mean. She would be touching me. I struggled to maintain control of myself, willing my growing erection away. I tried to think of something, anything, to distract me, but all I saw was Bella's shorts. And the tank top. Lord, she was wearing the white tank top. And shit. She'd have to touch Garrett too. Now I was both angry and horny.

I was in trouble.

We began warm ups with a series of sun salutes and I tried to concentrate, getting into the flow of class. Bree was quite good at giving instruction and I was impressed; she focused on breathing in a way that was difficult for many novice instructors. But my eyes were only for Bella, following her as she moved from student to student, the teacher in me pleased she was doing so well with her assists, the man in me totally mesmerized by her scantily clad behind. I knew she was doing this to torture me. And it was working.

As class progressed and we moved through opening sequence that Bella and Bree had conceived, I became increasingly frustrated. Bella had assisted almost everyone but me, and now she was with Garrett. We were lying on our stomachs working through cobra, locust, and bow and Bella was behind Garrett, her hands clasped on his shoulders as she pulled him into position. He twisted his head, looking over at me with what could only be described as a satisfied smirk. But, before I could even react, Bella had released him and moved on. I indulged in a little smirk myself.

Just when I thought I had my hard-on under control, Bella approached me from behind and bent over, pulling on my shoulders to help me up into cobra. Her grip was surprisingly strong. When I was fully extended I realized how close her hips were to my head as her legs straddled me on either side. I looked up at her and met her gaze; she was biting her lip as she held me, her eyes devious.

"Good form," she whispered, using one of my lines. She leaned down, her hands sweeping down my arms, coaxing me to straighten them further.

"Your arms are so hot, Edward. So muscular." she whispered in my ear. "I love feeling them like this."

Fuck! I couldn't believe she said that to me, and now my erection was back in full force; the fact that it was pressed against the ground making me more aroused and uncomfortable at the same time.

I heard a chuckle from Jasper and I figured he'd probably heard her. He was enjoying seeing me squirm.

She stayed with me for the next posture, upward plank, which required turning over. This wasn't exactly something I wanted to do right now, but I didn't see how I could get out of it without leaving the studio and drawing attention to myself. So, I flipped over as Bella stood watching, her eyes drifting to the now noticeable bulge in my shorts. I shook my head at her helplessly, hoping no one was paying attention to us.

Pushing myself up with my hands while keeping my legs extended, I entered the pose, almost grunting as Bella straddled me again, this time only inches away from my still-hardening erection. She reached down, pulling my lower back up firmly, causing my pelvis and chest to lift higher, and when I raised my head I could see down the front of her shirt.

"Breathe, Edward," she said lowly.

I managed to drag my eyes away from her chest and meet her eyes again. Now she was openly smirking, her lips parting gently and allowing me a glimpse of her tongue. She held me firmly to her, close, but not close enough, to her barely covered pussy, and I felt ready to combust right there. Luckily she seemed to sense she had pushed me enough and released me gently, but not before grazing her leg over me as she dismounted. I winced.

"Now you know how it feels, hmmm?" She whispered again, her voice seductive. I was nearly panting from exertion and need as she walked away to help Alice.

The rest of the class went by in a blur as I tried to get a hold of myself. Bella spared me by not giving me any more unbearably erotic assists. But I was amazed at how confidently she moved, how well she seemed to know just what the students needed. I was so proud of how far she'd come since her first visit to the Center. Maybe she would fit in here after all?

But I couldn't ask her to stay. This new job sounded like just what she needed to help her start her career. She wanted to be in publishing, not a yoga instructor. What a waste of her education! I couldn't ask her to live her life up here, away from everything she knew, all the opportunities she had. No, I resigned myself. I'd let her go back.

* * *

**A/N: This week, I have a special outtake that I'll send to all reviewers. If you're curious about what happens after class, ahem, please review! XOX. **

I love you all. Thanks so much for all the support, shout-outs, and comments you've given me and this story. You are all amazing.

Finally, the Twilight All Human Fanfiction Awards are accepting nominations; don't forget to nominate your fave AH fics before Aug 22nd!

http:/twilightallhumanawards(dot)webs(dot)com/nominate(dot)htm

It is my b-day next Sunday (the big 3-0) and we have a lot of stuff planned, so I may not be able to update until the 24th or 25th. Just giving you a heads up!


	23. Pendant

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight; I own the words below.**

**A/N: I'm back from my short vay-cay and thank you all for your patience with this update! Please see the final A/N for more news.**

**As always, thanks to my amazing beta DiamondHeart78 for her help and support!**

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**Chapter 23: Pendant**

BPOV

A harsh rap at the door startled me awake. Rolling over to my side, I noticed it was only half past six in the morning. Edward groaned and shifted in the bed beside me, grabbing and extra pillow and pulling it over his head.

"Bella..." a voice hissed outside the door. "Bella!" It said louder when I didn't respond.

Not wanting to bother Edward, I groggily lifted myself from the bed and stalked over to the door, cracking it an inch. Alice's face was immediately visible, and I was shocked to see she was already dressed and in full makeup. Did she go to sleep at all last night?

"What's the emergency, Alice? It's only six in the morning." I was highly irritated to be roused this early, less because of the interruption of my sleep than the fact that I had wanted to spend a lazy morning with Edward in bed. I was leaving with Alice the following day, and I wanted to be with him as much as possible. Clearly Alice had different plans for me.

"We need you," she said emphatically. "Get your ass to Rose's room in 15 minutes. We're in full-on crisis mode."

"Everything was fine last night. What's going on?" The rehearsal dinner the night before had been followed by a surprise bachelorette party for Rose in the spa, organized, of course, by Alice. Emmett and his friends had gone off to town to do something that remained highly secretive, but Edward had decided not to go at the last minute. I knew he felt badly that Emmett didn't get his party in Boston, but I didn't say anything about it. The girls and I had had fun, but I hadn't gotten back to the room until well after midnight. Edward had been practicing something on his guitar, which he quickly stowed away upon my return. I was too exhausted for anything but a quick peck on the lips.

"Just come. I'll see you in fifteen. Oh, and you might want to put some pants on," she observed, looking me up and down. I realized I was clad only in a lacy camisole and matching briefs. She sniggered at me, giving me a quick wave as she retreated down the hall. I shut the door with a heavy sigh, and when I turned around I noticed Edward was sitting up in bed, his eyes tired but smiling.

"I don't know about the whole putting pants on thing," he said, arching his eyebrow. "They're highly over-rated."

I smiled, clambering back onto the bed and straddling his lap. He leaned forward and drew me to him, his bare chest still warm from sleep.

"Maybe you should just stay here," he suggested, kissing my exposed collarbone.

"Mmmmm. That's a really good idea," I agreed. "But if I want to live to see tomorrow, I better get over there. We're in 'full-on crisis mode."

"So am I," he emphasized his words with a slight movement of his hips and I felt his growing need below me.

"I'm starting to think you only want me for my body, Mr. Cullen," I said jokingly.

"Never," he said, becoming serious. "Never." He cupped my face gently, drawing me in for a languorous kiss as his other arm wrapped securely around my waist. I sighed into his mouth, running my hands gently through his hair. He pulled away, as if to prove a point, and I huffed, exasperated at the situation.

"Well, hurry back. I'll be here." Edward planted a final kiss on my nose and released me. Leaning lazily on his arm, he watched me with hooded eyes as I dressed. If it were anyone else I would have been shy, but under Edward's gaze I felt secure. He growled lowly as I lifted the cami over my head, tossing it to the floor. "Did I mention I hated Alice?"

* * *

Once dressed, I hurried down the hall, hoping that the emergency crisis would be easily and quickly solved. Knowing how stressed-out Rose was, though, made that hope highly unrealistic.

The retreat guests had left early the morning before, and, even though they had insisted I didn't need to, I had helped Edward, Emmett, and Laurent, along with the cleaning crew, get the Center ready for the arrival of the wedding guests. It had been sad to say goodbye to the friends I had made, but I was more than happy that Garrett was finally out of our lives. We had said brief goodbyes, under Edward's watchful eyes of course, but I was glad I would no longer have to deal with the awkwardness his presence caused. Bree lived in New Jersey, only about an hour away from where I lived in Queens, and she was planning on taking a yoga teacher training certification course in the city. We exchanged numbers and agreed to meet up once I was back home.

Because the wedding was to be relatively small, the Center could accommodate everyone, so there would be no need for anyone to stay at a hotel, which was important since the closest one was over a half hour away. Almost all the guests had arrived the previous evening, with the exception of a few of our college friends who were flying into Boston that afternoon. Mr. Bradshaw, Rose's dad, who I hadn't seen since college graduation, got to the Center at around lunchtime. Her mother had passed away from breast cancer when Rose was 13, and as an only child she and her father had always had a close relationship. I knew it was hard on her to live so far away from him, but she hadn't been able to convince him to leave Southern California. He was, as always, tan and immaculately dressed. Rose was clearly thrilled to see him and to introduce him formally to Emmett, since they hadn't actually met in person. Mr. Bradshaw seemed to hit it off immediately with his soon-to-be son-in-law, and Rose beamed as she watched them bond over their mutual love of USC football.

After that, the rest of the guests trickled in—relatives, family friends, and a few of Emmett's high school buddies. Edward introduced me to his mother's sister, Helena, a striking middle-aged woman with honey brown hair who had flown in from Calgary. She was sweet and gracious and it was clear she had a soft spot for Edward, and that he was fond of her as well. Since she lived so far away, they hadn't seen each other for years, and it made me happy to see Edward interact so lovingly with his aunt.

Finally, Edward's parents had arrived and Carlisle greeted me warmly. Esme was much more lovely than Billy's pictures had indicated, with hair falling softly in waves past her shoulders and the youthful face of a woman half of her age. I almost gasped as I shook her hand—her eyes were jade green. Edward's eyes but softer, less intense. Helena joined us and insisted I sit at the family table. I enthusiastically accepted the invitation, slipping next to Edward as we were seated and giving his hand a squeeze. Edward was uncomfortable, but I wasn't sure if it was because we were in the crowded dining room or because we were sitting with his parents, or some combination of the two. He didn't speak much during dinner; instead Helena, Emmett, and Mr. Bradshaw dominated the conversation, which was fine by me, since I wasn't in a very talkative mood myself. Esme was quieter than her sister, another quality that reminded me of Edward. Though she said little, I felt her eyes on us as we ate. It wasn't an intrusive or calculating gaze—she looked more like she was seeing something that she couldn't quite believe and was attempting to process. Carlisle had more than likely told her that Edward and I were seeing each other and I wondered what she thought of me, if she was pleased I'd come into Edward's life. When I met her gaze she gave me a smile that indicated she was.

At the end of the evening, Esme and Carlisle approached us to say their goodbyes; they weren't staying at the Center since they lived so close by. Father and son were cordial, clearly under the tacit understanding that whatever differences they had would be put aside until after the wedding. When Edward hugged Esme goodbye I could see the tears in her eyes as she held him tightly.

And then Alice had attacked Rosalie and I, leading us, along with Rose's cousins Maddy and Erica, into the spa for massages, manicures, facials and more than our fair share of mojitos and margaritas. It had been an emotionally and physically draining day, and today was sure to be another one, I thought, as I knocked softly on Rose and Emmett's door. It opened after a gentle push and I was astonished to see Rose and Alice huddled on Emmett's couch. Rose was crying and Alice was rubbing her back soothingly.

"What's wrong?" I had expected a wardrobe malfunction or something equally unimportant, but this looked serious.

Rose lifted her tear stained face, blotchy from crying. Alice spoke for her.

"Rose is just really missing her mom today."

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," I said, joining them on the sofa and wrapping my arms around my friend. She was always so strong; to see her like this broke my heart. What she really needed was Emmett, but they had decided, in keeping with tradition, that he wouldn't see her before the wedding.

"It's just so hard….all of the things she missed out on…I missed out on…Bella, I just miss her, you know?"

Though I didn't know how it was to actually lose a parent, Renee hadn't exactly been a model mother. We went months without talking—once we hadn't spoken for over a year. I didn't really miss her, to be honest, because she had always been a self-absorbed person who showed me little affection. I always felt like more of a burden to her than a blessing. But I missed the idea of her, the idea of a mother. I loved my dad more than anything, but a mother's love was just different…so important for a daughter.

I nodded. "I know, sweetie, I know."

* * *

By the time I made it back to our room, I was melancholic. Rose was feeling much better after her cry, but thinking about Renee made me realize just how much anger and bitterness I still held towards my mother. For years I had brushed it off, repressing how much it hurt that she had left us. But today my self-protective strategies were crumbling. The prospect of leaving Edward tomorrow had those emotions coming to the surface, making me feel raw and vulnerable.

Edward was sitting on the bed with his guitar, quietly strumming. When he saw the look on my face he immediately came to me, hugging me tightly.

"What's wrong, Bella? What is it?" He stroked my hair and that innocent gesture unleashed the tears I'd been holding back as I tried to stay strong for Rose.

"Bella, you're scaring me, baby. What happened?"

I was sobbing now, clutching onto his shirt and probably ruining it with tears and mucous, but Edward just held me, not saying anything more, until I too had cried myself dry.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked, once I had regained some control.

I nodded. For the first time in years, I did. Edward knew that my mother had left us, but I'd never made a big deal about it before, so obviously he didn't know how much it had affected me. And so I told him.

I must have blabbed on for an hour, but Edward never interrupted me. He just kept holding me, letting me talk.

"All of these weeks," he said finally, looking at me tenderly, "we've focused so much on my issues, you've been hurting too. I'm so sorry, Bella. You must think I'm a selfish ass."

"Of course not, Edward. I didn't even know I was feeling like this until today, really. How could you have known?" I was sniffling, wondering if my face looked as awful as I thought it did.

"But still, that's not the point. My problems, my past, that's been the focus of our relationship. It's true. And I guess I'm just saying I'd like to change that. I want you to feel like you can count on me, Bella."

"I do." I said softly. "I'm sorry. I'm just overly-emotional today…Rose's getting married and all…she and her mother were so close…I just feel like Renee never felt that way about me…never loved me. It's hard. Knowing you aren't loved."

He took my face in his hands again; there was a fire in his eyes, an indescribable emotion.

"You are." His words sent me reeling…I didn't know how to react…what to say. Was he saying what I thought he was?

He spoke again, more softly. "I love you, Bella. So much."

I sat dumbly trying to process his words. But all I could think was Edward loved me. Edward LOVED me. Edward loved ME.

A look of concern and fear flit across his beautiful face and I realized I hadn't said anything in response. He was probably taking my silence as rejection. Get it together Bella.

But I still couldn't speak; instead, I leaned forward, gathering all of the love and emotion I felt in my heart into my lips, into a kiss. He received it greedily, kissing me back with equal fervor until we were drunk on each other.

"Edward, I love you," I panted, managing to tear my lips away for a second to utter the words. He needed to hear them just as I had. "I love you too."

* * *

EPOV

Something clicked in my mind when Bella sat sobbing, clinging to me like her life depended on it. I wanted to be better for her…I wanted to be someone she could count on, to rely on. But the problem was, I didn't know how to get to this point. Since the night before during the rehearsal dinner, I had seriously been considering taking Carlisle up on his offer to see Eleazar Garcia. I was frustrated and annoyed with myself that I could barely sit in the dining room with family friends and relatives without nearly having a panic attack, or go with my brother and his friends to a bar for his bachelor party. Bella was the one that had kept me calm enough to suffer through the dinner, and I knew that I'd have to rely on her again tonight to get through the wedding.

That didn't change the fact that I couldn't actually TELL anyone anything. And so I was back to square fucking one. My mind was a vicious cycle of hope and despair—circles that became tighter and quicker as the hours passed.

I couldn't see my way out of it.

Until my mind alighted on the one possibility—what if I had seen Marcus? What if he had the evidence he had been searching for? Hope and fear jostled together in my brain for dominance.

One thing I knew for certain. If Bella knew what I had done…how I had killed those innocent men…how Nadia had died…because of me…she'd be repulsed. Anyone else's hatred I could bear, but not Bella's.

Now, as I held her, I realized something.

I'd been telling myself that the reason I wouldn't tell Bella I loved her was to protect her—but really, it was to protect myself. If I showed myself, bared myself to her in this way, once she eventually saw me for what I really was and she rejected me, I'd be destroyed.

But when she looked at me, so desolate, saying words that to me seemed unfathomable…that she wasn't loved. What kind of monster was Renee if she could reject a child so beautiful, so utterly perfect? The dam broke and I couldn't keep the words at bay. She deserved to know that she was loved, even if she didn't feel the same way, even if she'd hate me someday.

"I love you, Bella. So much."

And when she said the words back to me, confirmed my hopes that she loved me too, I wouldn't let myself think of the past or the future. There was only now. Only Bella. And she loved me.

We lay entwined on the bed, kissing and touching and just looking at each other. I had an enormous erection but I resisted the urge to thrust against her—this wasn't the time for that. Right now I just needed to be with her, to show her that I loved her and that this was more than sex for me. And of course there were people probably waiting for us to emerge to help with wedding preparations, and there was no way I wanted a quickie. I had plans…plans that required time. And I had, after all, restrained myself for five years. I could manage a few more hours.

When we finally got downstairs at around eleven, the Center was in full swing, and Bella and I were immediately delegated tasks that parted us, to my chagrin. I gave her one last kiss on her cheek as Alice tugged on her arm, whispering our secret words in her ear. Her eyes were large and filled with wonder; as she was dragged away she mouthed them back to me. And the rest of the day flew by in a haze, punctuated memorably by moments of stolen kisses and glances and the swell in my heart that was there because of her, for her.

All of the guests pitched in to transform the Center from the rather austere decorative style I preferred to, even I had to admit, lovely scene for a wedding. The ceremony itself would take place outdoors in the backyard and, since it didn't look like rain, we'd decided to move the tables outside for the reception as well. This is mainly what Jasper, Emmett, and I were in charge of—the heavy lifting—as Bella, Alice, and their recently arrived college friends arranged the flowers and all of the other little details. I had no idea that so much planning went into a wedding—and this one wasn't even supposed to be formal. I guessed it had more to do with Alice than with Rose and Emmett. I didn't know what was going on with Alice and Jasper, but I had a feeling something was from the way they were stealing glances at each other. They almost reminded me of Bella and me…almost.

Finally, it was time to get ready for the ceremony and Emmett and I retreated up to the spare room he was staying in, since Rose would be getting ready with Bella and Alice in his room, which was larger. We put on our suits and Emmett struggled to tie his tie, since neither of us was really accustomed to wearing them, I wasn't much help. Luckily, there was a knock on the door and there was our mother. She was weepy as she assisted Emmett, giving him a quick peck on the cheek that left his face stained with lipstick that she hastily attempted to blot away.

"Maaaa," Emmett complained, leaning away from her ministrations.

"Oh, quiet now. You're still my baby for…" she glimpsed the alarm clock…. "another twenty minutes."

I snickered at them, turning away to adjust my cufflinks. Why couldn't all shirts just have button sleeves?

"Edward," Esme's voice was tentative, "You look very handsome."

"Yeah, you clean up real nice, bro," Emmett grinned. I was glad he didn't seem to be mad at me for not going to the party last night, but that didn't make me feel any better about it, really.

"Thanks."

"Bella seems to be a lovely girl, Edward. I very much enjoyed speaking with her last night. And Carlisle tells me you two are getting serious?" There was more than a hint of hopefulness in her voice.

"Yeah. I think so," I said. I knew so, but I didn't want to get into it right now.

"That's wonderful. I'm so happy, so proud of you both." She was tearing up again. I hated to see my mother cry.

Emmett threw his arm around her, hugging her close. "Maaa….come on, this will be great! Don't be sad."

She swatted at him playfully, wiping her face with a tissue he offered. "Oh, you fool, I'm not sad! I'm happy. I cry when I'm happy, okay?"

"Okay."

"Well," she said, turning to go, "I'll be downstairs…don't forget, you need to be down in 5 minutes so you don't run into Rosalie."

"Yeah, yeah," Emmett waved her off.

When she was gone Emmett began pacing. Five minutes had never felt so long.

"Are you nervous?" I asked.

"No….Yes….Sort of." He was tugging at his tie.

"Don't mess that up. I'm not gonna be able to help you."

"It's just hot in here, isn't it?"

"Yeah. You're nervous."

Ten minutes later we were outside, positioned under the rose trellis that Alice had ordered from New York—it was covered in yellow and peach roses entwined with some kind of vine. It was a little much, but it looked nice. Bella had really liked it. All of the guests, around 30 in all, were seated and staring at us, which was a little unnerving. But at least we were outside, so I didn't feel as suffocated.

Emmett was shifting from foot to foot, eagerly scanning the back of the house for Rosalie's entrance. That's were my gaze was, but I was looking for someone else. When the violist began the Trumpet Voluntary, my breath hitched with anticipation. The minister was in place, giving Emmett a comforting pat on the shoulder as everyone turned to look.

Alice appeared first, walking slowly and holding a bunch of peach and yellow roses; as she made her way down the aisle she winked at Jasper, who was looking at her with his mouth catching flies.

But when Bella appeared, everything else faded away. She wore a long, peach colored, satin dress that clung to her body as she moved—it wasn't the same style as Alice's but it was the same color. The neckline dipped dangerously low, giving more than a glimpse of her smooth rosy skin, then tied at the neck. Her hair was done in loose curls that fell around her body, almost to her waist, and she was wearing a crown of tiny rosebuds, yellow and peach, to match her bouquet. Our eyes met instantly and I was held captive by her as she moved, mesmerized by the way the material shifted around her hips. I barely noticed when Rose appeared next.

My mind was drifting strangely to a place I'd never been before. I'd never considered getting married before…first, because I was too young, and then later, because of _brahmacharya_. But now, seeing Bella walk down the aisle, for a fleeting moment I imagined that this was all for us…that she would be my wife…a new life, full of possibilities, opened up instantly. She was looking at me shyly as she stood next to Alice, blushing as my gaze swept appreciatively, probably rather obviously, up her body. She raised her eyebrow, giving me a similar look, and I almost laughed out loud, which would have interrupted the homily that was apparently being given.

At one point, Emmett had to elbow me out of my stupor to hand over the rings.

Bella rolled her eyes at me and I smirked. That dress wouldn't last long after the wedding was over.

When Rose and Emmett were pronounced man and wife, everyone stood and clapped. I patted him on the back, taking Bella's arm as we began the procession down the aisle.

"You look…fucking fantastic," I said lowly.

"Thanks," she replied, "It's all Alice."

"Nope. It's all you."

* * *

BPOV

After some pictures and other formalities, Edward and I joined Esme, Carlisle, Helena, and Mr. Bradshaw at the family table. I still couldn't get over how amazing Edward looked in his tuxedo. I'd seen him semi-dressed up during our Tanglewood date, but nothing compared to the way he looked tonight. He could have been a model in his light brown, European cut tuxedo. The only thing that wasn't polished was his hair, falling as wildly as ever. I longed to drag him away and run my hands through it and rumple up his shirt. From the looks he was giving me with his darkened green eyes, that was precisely what he wanted to do too.

Dinner was amazing; they had hired a caterer to help Laurent in the kitchen, as well as a couple of servers so we could have a sit-down feast. The appetizer was a caramelized mushroom and walnut polenta, followed by rustic eggplant and zucchini rollatini with parmesan and heirloom tomato salad and, of course, for dessert, an exquisite lemon chiffon wedding cake. Talk during dinner was lighthearted and flowed freely, and I was surprised that even Edward joined in. I was distracted, however, by his hand slowly rubbing methodical circles on my thigh. At one point, he traveled a little too far up for me to be comfortable sitting with his parents there, and I almost gave a yelp, gently moving his hand away. He was going to drive me crazy.

When time came for toasts, I could see Edward getting a little nervous. I knew that Emmett had asked him to say something, but he hadn't told me what he'd planned. So I watched with as much surprise as everyone else as Edward disappeared for a minute, returning back with a guitar case. It was a guitar I hadn't seen before—a regular acoustic.

"I…I'm not great at giving speeches," Edward confessed as he adjusted the strap and sat down near the head table where Rose and Emmett were seated.

"So when Emmett asked me to give one…I have to confess I panicked." There was a small titter from the crowd. "So, I'm not, as you probably noticed, going to give a speech. But I do have a song I want to play for you. It's one of my favorites. And I think it says everything I want to say." He cleared his throat, giving the guitar a few strums; then he looked over at me pointedly before bowing his head and beginning.

"This is the first day of my life

I swear I was born right in the doorway

I went out in the rain

Suddenly everything changed

They're spreadin' blankets on the beach"

I recognized the song immediately and my breath caught in my throat. Bright Eyes was my favorite band of all time, and "The First Day of My Life" was one of their best songs. And Edward sang it beautifully, better even than the original. His voice was low, husky, with just a bit of grit. I'd never heard him sing before, and looking around the other tables, everyone else was just as captivated as we watched him lose himself in the music.

"Yours is the first face that I saw

I think I was blind before I met you

I don't know where I am

I don't know where I've been

But I know where I want to go

So I thought I'd let you know

That these things take forever

I especially am slow

But I realized that I need you

And I wondered if I could come home

I remember the time you drove all night

Just to meet me in the morning

And I thought it was strange

You said everything changed

You felt as if you just woke up

And you said,

This is the first day of my life,

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you

But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you

And I'd probably be happy.

So if you wanna be with me

With these things there's no telling

We'll just have to wait and see

But I'd rather be working for a paycheck

Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides maybe this time it's different

I mean I really think you like me..."

He strummed a few more notes, drifting off with a few hums, then placed his hand on the strings to stop the music.

I tore my eyes away from Edward and noticed that Rose and Emmett were holding hands, tears in both of their eyes. Everyone was silent. The first one to clap was Esme; there were tears in her eyes too but she was beaming a radiant smile. Everyone applauded and Edward waved them off as he returned to our table, but I could detect a smile on his face as well. He was proud of himself.

He slumped into the chair next to me and I couldn't resist leaning in for a hug, though I knew all eyes were now on us.

"I didn't know you could sing like that, Edward. That was so beautiful."

He just smiled, brushing my hair back from my face.

"That was perfect for Rose and Emmett, for this day." I kissed him on the cheek.

Edward leaned in close, so that only I could hear. "I played it for you."

"Oh." It was all I could say but I was overwhelmed…the message, the meaning of the song so much more resonant. I had had a feeling he chose it for me, but I hadn't wanted to be presumptuous. He leaned in, kissing me tenderly, and the world melted away.

For the rest of the evening, Edward and I kept to ourselves. There was dancing, and Alice dragged me up for a couple of songs, but I wanted to stay with him.

Finally, Rose and Emmett disappeared and people started saying their goodbyes. Alice and Jasper were helping with the clean up, and I wondered if we should join them.

Edward looked at me, tracing lazy patterns on the back of my neck with his finger. He moved his head to the side and I nodded, the two of us in silent agreement that clean up could wait till the morning.

In order to avoid being enlisted, we snuck around to the front of the Center. Edward held my hand, steadying me on the too-high heels I was wearing—even the heal guards I wore didn't keep them from sinking into the ground. Finally frustrated, I kicked them off, gathering the hem of my dress in my other hand.

We couldn't get back to the room fast enough.

* * *

EPOV

I almost slammed the door shut behind us, I was so eager to have Bella alone and in my bed. For the last hour, I'd been plotting and planning our escape from the party, and was thrilled that she seemed to have the same idea. Now that we were alone, I could do all of the things I'd wanted to since I first saw her in this slinky, sinful dress.

We stood, not speaking for a moment, taking each other in. And finally I drew her towards me, my hand running up her spine until I found purchase at the base of her skull. Her hair was silk in my hand. With my free hand I dislodged the flowers from her hair, gently pulling the comb out and tossing it on the bed. Now I was freely able to run my hands through her hair as our mouths met in a deep kiss.

My tongue sought the part in her lips and she moaned, granting me access and melding her body to mine. Her hands were in my hair as our kiss became more desperate. I felt my length grow against my thigh until it was trapped painfully in my pants. I moved her away for a minute to shift it upwards, but Bella had different ideas. Her hand darted to my fly, but I gently removed it.

"No…not yet."

She pouted for a minute, confused. But I ran my hand along her jaw, drawing her to me again. "I just want us to take our time."

"Okay," she panted as I moved from her mouth to the base of her throat, feeling her pulse under her skin with my tongue.

"You taste delicious. Better than wedding cake," I murmured as she sighed, leaning her head back into my bracing hand.

When I had had enough standing, she allowed me to lower her gently to the bed, her eyes hooded with longing. I lay alongside her, trailing kisses down her neck to her exposed chest while my other hand deftly untied the knot that held her dress. Her breasts looked almost painfully bound by an interesting corset-like strapless undergarment and I growled at the way it pushed them together.

"Oh…" Bella said. "This thing's gonna take some time getting off." She rolled to her side, exposing a trail of hook and eye closures that I wasted no time in unhinging. flinging the offending garment onto the floor and rolling my Bella back to me.

Now her breasts were all mine to gaze at, to taste. I lowered my head, flicking my tongue over her left nipple until it was hard and beaded. I took it gently in between my lips and my teeth and pulled gently. Bella moaned, her hands returning to my hair and dragging her nails along my scalp in the way that I loved.

Somehow she shimmied her dress the rest of the way down until she lay, naked and vulnerable, except for a tiny slip of satin that covered her pussy. I couldn't resist touching her there, just for a second, and feeling the wetness between her thighs. She moaned at the brief contact, and I returned my attention to her lips, our tongues sliding wetly and hotly together.

"You still have all your clothes on," she complained, her hands unbuttoning my shirt and pulling at my tie. I chuckled, sitting up and finishing the job. She watched me undress down to my boxers, her eyes tracing over me as she sat up, running her hand over my chest. I groaned as she moved her head to trace the path her hands had followed, surprised when she pushed me back so I was laying supine on my back.

My erection was straining against the fabric of my boxer briefs as she kissed her way down my body. I hissed as she rubbed me, unable to stop myself from lifting my hands to meet her touch. Her eyes met mine and I knew her intentions, but I had a different plan in mind. Quickly recovering myself, I drew her up my body once again so she lay flush against me, holding her tightly as she wriggled to find friction. My hands traveled down her body to cup her ass and slide under the slip of satin that covered her as we kissed.

Rolling her onto her back again, I slid down her body, parting her legs and stationing myself between them. Her thong was tiny—a slip of pink satin—that was easily disposed of, and I did so with haste. Bella moaned under me as I kissed her pink flesh, parting her folds with my tongue. I lapped and sucked, sheathing my tongue in her pussy until she was trembling and pulling my hair, urging me closer. It hurt but I loved it. I thrust my tongue into her, mirroring the action I wanted to perform with my dick, which at this point was so hard I was afraid I'd come just from pleasuring her, watching her come undone.

"Edward…more…please…" her voice was small, a plea. I knew she wanted me to use my hands but I wanted her to come in my mouth with my tongue alone, so I sped up my pace, swirling and sucking until she was bucking violently beneath me.

"Fuck. Yes!" she called, and with that she shook. I felt her pulse in my mouth and groaned as she held me to her, unable and unwilling to move as I licked her and she rode out her orgasm. I wanted to plunge into her at that moment, but I held myself back, knowing she'd be extra sensitive.

As she stilled, she released my hair and let out a small sigh. I rejoined her at the top of the bed, unable to wipe the proud smirk off of my face. Her face was flushed and she bit her lip, making my cock twitch involuntarily against her leg. She felt it and smiled, pushing her leg in return, sliding it against me until I almost took her hand and placed it on my length.

Finally, she reached her hand down, slipping it inside my boxers and working her way down my shaft until she reached the base, then sliding her hand back up in a smooth fluid motion that made me hiss when she reached the sensitive tip.

I couldn't stop her when she slid my boxers down, allowing my now painful erection to bob free. I couldn't stop her as she licked and sucked the circumference of my dick until it leapt at her touch. I couldn't stop her as she opened her sweet lips and took me in, drawing my cock into her mouth until she had me almost all the way in her throat. I couldn't stop the pressure building as her hands joined her mouth in driving me insane.

But I didn't want to come in her mouth. With great effort, I staved off my approaching orgasm, dragging Bella off of me, somewhat reluctantly, until she was positioned on top of me, her soft wet heat only inches from my straining cock.

"I want to do it like this," she whispered, taking me in her hand and sliding me between her fold, so warm and inviting. I nodded, grimacing as she performed the same move again and then, in a shock of tight smooth wet, I was inside. We both groaned at the pressure, now fused together. I had to hold her hips still when she attempted to rock because I was about to come from just being sheathed in her. Seeing her flushed, her beauty bared before me was just too much.

"Don't move yet," I gasped, drawing her down for a kiss. We sighed into each others mouths as our tongues moved together lazily. This was the first time we'd made love since our mutual confession, and I was overwhelmed by the feelings. I held my hand to her heart, feeling the beat there, as she started moving slowly.

BPOV

I moved my hips slightly and felt Edward's breath quicken against my mouth. I knew he'd been close before and didn't want this to end too fast, so I tried my best to still my movements. But my ache for him increased until it became almost unbearable and I had to move. I'd never felt this fullness before in all of the ways we'd made love. I slid up and down his length, holding his body close to mine as we kissed. His hand was on my chest and I knew my heart was beating right out of my body. Feeling him inside me this way, I knew I'd never be free of him again. His imprint was on my mind, my heart, and this primal connection between us made it clearer.

He shuddered as I moved more in earnest, rising up until he was almost free, then moving until he was fully inside me again and again. Every thrust made the ache stronger and alleviated it at the same time, until I was almost delirious, chanting his name into his mouth. His hips moved with mine, gaining speed and force as our climaxes approached. I was sweaty but I didn't care…all I wanted was to mark him the way he'd marked me.

I nipped and sucked at his neck as he rose to meet me, realizing I'd probably leave traces of our lovemaking but not caring…I wanted to. I wanted people to see that he was mine.

He took my hips in his hands and began pacing us, driving up into me more swiftly. I could tell he wanted control so I relinquished it, giving him this gift, this moment of dominance that he needed.

EPOV

My breathing was ragged as I held her, an animalistic urge taking over and making me take her with my hands and thrust again and again. Somehow, someway, I'd managed to fight off my climax but now I knew it was imminent.

Not really thinking, I flipped us over so that I was now on top of her and she complied, instinctively wrapping her hips around my waist and pulling me close with her legs. I felt the stirring begin as I pounded into her, not wanting to be rough but not really being able to help it either. Bella didn't really seem to mind—the sounds coming out of her mouth were almost inhuman and they spurred me on.

BPOV

His pace became faster, harder, and that was just what I wanted. He was marking me the way I'd marked him, and I loved it. I loved him…the way he filled me...him…the way his body moved with me…Edward…I'd never have another lover, another friend…no one like Edward.

I felt my legs begin to quiver and I grunted, grinding against him as he moved in me. He seemed to notice I needed the friction and reached down between our bodies, finding the bundle of nerves that controlled my release and rubbing me gently, a stark contrast to the firm and swift movement of his hips. My body was aflame, my desire rising to an almost unbearable pitch and I just needed something…something to push me over the edge…I…I...

EPOV

"I love you, Bella, I love you," I whispered in her ear. I was so close…so close. I felt the desire, the need fill me and it wasn't fucking…no…not that…it was being in love…and so I told her. "I love you so fucking much." She let out a low moan and the quiver of her body set me off…just a few more strokes…I was so close.

BPOV

His words gave me the last push I needed. "Edward, fuck, I love you…" I said, gasping as I pulsed around him, my second orgasm so much more powerful than the first. He pulled me more tightly to him, jerking his hips against mine as I felt him release into me with a cry, filling me deeply.

He collapsed onto me and I wrapped my arms around him, never wanting to let go.

"I love hearing you say that Bella." He mumbled, his voice hoarse against my neck. I wiped his sweaty hair away from his forehead and planted a kiss there, loving that he was still inside me. I felt complete.

"Me too."

* * *

**A/N: Dear loyal readers: I was so horrified to learn that had edited all of the goodness out of the EPOV outtake that I sent you all for reviewing last chapter; so, (if you follow me on Twitter you already know this), you can find the unedited version now on my profile page under "The Cullen Sutras Outtakes." **

**Show me you still love me by reviewing! I've been overwhelmed, as usual, by all of your support for my little story…every time you review, it makes it worth it. So thanks. And a special thanks to all of the new reviewers! It meant the world to me to hear from you! **

If some of you are wondering when the other shoe will drop…stay tuned for the next update…

Finally, thanks to the always fabulous Rose Arcadia for featuring TCS on her awesome blog! If you haven't checked it out, please do: http:/rosearcadia(dot)blogspot(dot)com/2010(slash)08/cullen-sutras-by-magnolia822(dot)html (Don't forget to replace the dots and slashes).

TCS has also been selected for the Twilight Awards "Story of the Day" (and on my birthday, no less) –thanks TA ladies! Check out the site for other great fic recs: http:/www(dot)thetwilightawards(dot)com/


	24. Threading the Needle

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight; I own the words below.**

**Thanks to my awesome beta DiamondHeart78—even though she has a hectic RL she still does this for me, and I appreciate it immensely. **

**Chapter 24: Threading the Needle**

**

* * *

**

EPOV

I don't think I slept that entire night. It was cliché, but I wanted to freeze the moment so that it would be always night, always Bella here with me, letting me hold her as she slept.

But the morning came all too soon.

We didn't speak much as we got ready, but I couldn't stop myself from hovering around her as she brushed her hair, inserted tiny gold hoops in her ears, spritzed the back of her neck, her wrists with sweet smelling perfume. The cognac and strawberries. I stood behind her at the mirror, inhaling her, tasting the skin on her neck, watching her pulse beat there, all the while afraid to meet her eyes.

I knew I was moping, but I couldn't seem to help myself. After today, I'd be all alone at the Center. Emmett and Rose were going to San Francisco for their honeymoon, and the rest of the staff, Jasper included, would leave for their two week holiday before the Center opened up again in September for the fall season. Normally I would have relished this time alone, but things were different now. For one thing, Emmett was usually here with me when we were closed, and I knew he was uneasy about leaving. I hadn't told Bella, not wanting her to feel sorry for me. Her job interview was on Tuesday and I knew she was nervous about it.

I didn't like the idea of her working for Tanya Denali—like Irina, Tanya had never been shy about masking her intentions towards me—but luckily she wasn't as vicious when rejected. Still, all of that was long ago and I had no reason to think that Bella would speak to Tanya about her relationship with me, and I certainly didn't want to relieve the details of our awkward encounter. Tanya probably didn't even remember me, in any case.

All of that was just a small concern next to the major issue. Bella and I still hadn't talked about how our relationship would progress once she left…we had spoken vaguely about phone conversations and visits, but there were so many unanswered questions and I didn't know how to initiate the discussion.

I sat on the bed waiting for her, watching as she slipped her shoes on, balancing without even holding on to the dresser. Her toes pointed gracefully and I could see the delicate veining of her feet. The peach dress was pooled on the floor by the side of the bed and I remembered sliding it off of her. She bent to retrieve it, giving it a gentle shake to remove the wrinkles. I loved watching her in these quiet moments when she was just herself doing simple things.

"Edward." I was lost in my thoughts and hadn't noticed when she'd moved to sit beside me. "We've been avoiding this and I think we need to talk."

My throat went dry, irrationally fearful of her statement. I knew it was true, I was just dreading it.

"Look at me," she said, gripping my shoulders firmly. She peeked her head down, breaking through the barrier I'd created. I couldn't hide from her. "I told you we're gonna make this work," she said surely.

"How, Bella?" It was a genuine question. I wanted to know what I could do to make this work for her.

"Well, you know New York isn't that far away. And I'll have weekends off. It's so easy for me to take a train up here. And we can talk everyday, I mean…if you use the Center's phone."

The truth was I'd hardly made any phone calls since I'd returned from Iraq. Cell phones were obvious triggers for my PTSD, but it didn't seem to be as bad with regular, wall phones. At the Center we had an, as Emmett would say, "Old School" dial up phone, which I rarely used since that was his job. But I knew I was able to. I'd be able to for Bella.

"I want you to call me whenever you want. I always have my…cell with me…" she said the last few words timidly and it annoyed me that she felt so trepidatious talking to me about something as banal as a phone. "I mean…if you want to call…"

"Bella, goddamn it. Of course I want to call you. And I will. And I want you to call me…and just…fuck!" I gripped my hair in frustration. She looked a little unnerved by my outburst so I tried to find the right words.

"I want to be fucking normal, okay? God, Bella. I love you. I've never said that to someone except my mother…so that means something. It means everything. And it's driving me crazy that you're leaving and I don't know when you're coming back. And I feel fucking helpless because I can't visit you in New York like a normal boyfriend, take you out to restaurants and on dates like a fucking normal man." My hands pulled frantically at my scalp and she reached out, gently disentangling them.

"Can't you give yourself credit for how far you've come? Edward?" She said softly. "Why do you insist on beating yourself up over things that aren't your fault?"

"They are my fucking fault…I…"

"They're not. And we keep having this conversation. It's about time you started listening to me. We're going to make this work. Because I fucking love you too." She smiled. Her hands on my hands soothed me a bit. "I need this job to pay Charlie back. He's been bailing me out for too long...But I swear Edward, I'm not leaving you. I'd never leave you. Tell me you understand."

"I understand," I said dully. I couldn't muster up enthusiasm. She was all that was holding me together and even sitting here next to her I missed her.

"I was thinking…maybe I could come up for my birthday?"

This suggestion perked me up. It occurred to me I didn't even know when that was. Hopefully it was soon.

"September 13th," she said, answering my thoughts. "And this year it's on a Saturday…so it'll be perfect. It's only a few weeks away…" There was obvious sadness in her voice, hiding under the cover of good cheer.

I was making her feel bad about going and I didn't want that…I wanted her to be happy. I managed a small smile. "I can't believe I never knew when your birthday was."

"Oh, it's almost always a universally crappy day… I either get sick or something terrible happens. So, I don't generally don't think too much about it."

"Not this year." I promised. I was already envisioning the things I could do to make it special for her; but of course my initial benevolent impulse tuned into something more selfish as I thought about not being with her for five weeks…how much I'd want her by then. I wondered if she'd like to do it in the hot tub? It might not be comfortable for her…I'd heard it wasn't great for women…but damn…it would be sexy…

"Edward, what're you thinking about?" She waved her hand in front of my face and I smiled somewhat sheepishly.

"Nothing?"

"Hmmm…I don't believe that for a second."

I had become quite transparent in the last few weeks. I shrugged. "I can't help myself. I just want you." Pulling her to me so that she was cradled on my lap, I kissed the top of her head. "God, I'm going to fucking miss you."

"Don't you mean miss fucking me?" Bella and her lame jokes—just another thing I loved about her.

"That too."

Four hours later we stood at the front of the Center; most of the guests had gone about an hour after brunch, so now there was only Alice, Bella, and Rose, but they weren't exactly guests anymore.

Jasper surprised me when he showed up with his battered backpack slung on his shoulder—he'd been using the same one since Iraq. It looked like hell and I wondered why he never bought a new one—I did pay him, after all. Alice grabbed his hand and pulled off his bag, tossing it into the backseat. I raised my eyebrow at him.

"Yeah. I'm going to New York to…uh…visit some old friends." He explained unconvincingly.

"Oh Jazz, shut up," Alice reprimanded. "He's coming to visit me. Since you guys are closing down for the rest of August, he just might stay a while…right Jazz?"

"Yes ma'am." His drawl was exaggerated and Alice squealed gleefully. Apparently she liked it.

"Edward?" Oh shit. Bella looked at me with her hands on her hips. "What do you mean the Center is closed?"

"Yeah…uh…I was going to tell you…" Alice threw me a reproving glance, retreating with Jasper to join Emmett and Rose. I raked my hands through my hair nervously. I didn't want her to be mad. "You see…we usually close for a few weeks after the retreat for maintenance and upkeep before the season starts in September…"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

I honestly didn't know why she was mad—I just hadn't wanted her to worry.

"I knew you had a lot of stuff going on…I just didn't want you to feel…sorry for me…or anything." My answer was lame and I knew it.

"Oh." She turned away, clearly still irritated. I grabbed her arm.

"Bella, please don't be mad at me. I didn't think it was important at first…and then you got this job interview…and I know you've been worried about me…so I didn't want to stress you out."

"Edward. You're right. It's not a big deal. But when you keep it a secret it makes it a big deal. And then I look like an idiot in front of my friends for not even knowing anything about your job."

Oh. I saw. So it was more about the principle of the matter—the omission rather than the thing itself. My stomach dropped and I felt sick when I thought about other, more serious, ramifications of this. How would she react if she ever learned about the things I'd been hiding from her? I knew without a doubt she'd hate me.

I stood, chastened, gazing at the ground with my fists clenched. This isn't at all how I wanted our goodbyes to go and I urgently wanted to reverse the situation. But then Bella's arms were around me.

"Edward, I'm sorry. Maybe I overreacted…"

"No…don't…"

"Please. It's not a big deal. I see why you wouldn't have wanted to tell me, the way most people treat you. I understand. Just…don't feel like you have to hide anything from me. I want us to be open with each other."

"Okay," I whispered into her silky hair, wrapping my arms around her firmly. I wasn't used to being truthful with people or trusting them, and my relationship with Bella was the most honest one I'd had…well…since Iraq. I knew it was a lie, and I cursed the unfairness of the world. But it wasn't the world: it was my fucked-up life.

"I love you," she said, hugging me tighter. "Just a few weeks. Then I'll be back. This isn't goodbye."

"I love you." The words crackled and broke in my throat as I released her. I heard her words promising to call me when she got in. I nodded dumbly, watching her retreating form, looking on as she said her goodbyes to Emmett and Rose. Jasper gave me a wave and so did Alice, but I think I just stood there. My mind was so full of hope, despair, and fucking love for the girl getting into the car. The one who turned her face to look out of the rear window, her hand pressed against the glass, as the car pulled away. Then the girl was gone. And I hated myself for not asking her to stay.

I was finding it increasingly hard to breathe. It hurt too much. If it wasn't goodbye, why did it feel that way?

Now only Emmett and Rosalie were left. They were staying until tomorrow but had an early flight out of Boston. Carlisle had offered to drive them in the morning.

Emmett approached me but I waved him away. I just wanted to be alone.

I managed to stave off the oncoming panic attack by walking for a while. I traveled up the path to the meadow I'd found…I now thought of it as our meadow. The grass was taller now and starting to brown since the summer had been exceptionally dry. The paintbrushes were past their prime, only a few remaining now, and I picked one, rolling the stem between my hands. Why hadn't I asked her to stay?

Later that evening, I made my way back, knowing that if I was gone too long Emmett would probably call a search party.

Emmett and Rose were having a quiet dinner and I didn't want to disturb them, so I passed by quickly, not really wanting to be called in to eat either.

"Edward." I paused on the stairs when Emmett called my name. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Right. Well…I need to talk to you about a few things. Do you have a minute?"

I had nothing but minutes. And minutes and minutes.

A few minutes later we were sitting in the office with the door closed, which was a bit odd considering there was no one else in the house except for Rose. I was pretty sure that Laurent had left while I was out.

Emmett was nervous, his knee jumping in that way we both had inherited from our father. I realized I hadn't even congratulated him yet—we'd hardly spoken after the ceremony.

"Uh…I'm really happy for you Em. It was a great wedding." Always awkward at expressing my emotions to my brother, I hoped that'd do.

"Thanks, man. Yeah, it was crazy. Kind of a whirlwind…it was great to see everyone though. Aunt Helena and all."

I nodded, agreeing. I wasn't exactly in the mood for small talk, but from his demeanor, he was clearly stalling.

"There's something I need to tell you. And you're probably going to be upset…"

"Emmett, please tell me what the hell you're talking about." He was freaking me out, and my thoughts went immediately to Bella. Something had happened to her on the way back to New York…she was hurt somewhere…

Emmett was quiet, looking at his feet.

"Emmett, I swear to God if something happened to Bella…"

"It's not Bella. Listen, I've been meaning to tell you this for a while, but it never seemed to be the right time. And I know I've really fucked up this time. I just hope you can understand."

Yep. Stalling. His leg moved faster.

"I'm moving with Rose to New York."

"What?" Suddenly it all became perfectly clear…the way he'd been more nervous than usual around me. I'd thought it was just about my PTSD, but now I saw it was Emmett's guilt making him that way, or at least contributing to it.

"She's got a good job, Edward. What would she do up here? And she loves the city…all of her friends are there."

Bella's there.

"And I'd like a change…you know, get out there, see some new stuff. Live in a new place. I've been here all of my life and I love it. But I just need more, you know?"

I did know; I knew all too well. I felt I'd been punched in the gut.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I said quietly. My mind was racing, my heart beating rapidly, but I wanted to maintain my calm. I knew he hadn't told me because he thought I'd freak out, so I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction.

"I…uh…I couldn't find the right time." He huffed. "Shit, that sounds stupid even to me. I fucked up, Edward. I really did.

"We didn't want to hurt you, and I know that's exactly what we did by not telling you. I'm sorry I let you down…that I'm letting you down." I'd never seen Emmett this anguished before. He wasn't looking at me but I could see the tears in his eyes.

"Emmett. You're taking all the fun out of me being mad at you by doing it for me. It really kinda sucks."

"Sorry."

"See?"

"Sorry."

"You should have told me Em."

"I know."

"You really should have told me."

I wanted to be pissed at him—to yell and tell him to go fuck himself. But I wasn't. I was hurt, not angry. This was just another incidence where someone hadn't trusted me enough to keep my shit together, and it really fucking stung because it was my brother, and it wasn't the first time. He thought I was crazy, and the thing that did piss me off was that he had every right to think that. I did, after all, nearly attack his fiancé at the watering hole not three weeks ago for answering a goddamn phone call. I did, after all, have crazy dreams at night that I couldn't control…dreams I had to keep hidden at the risk of exposing everyone I loved to possible retaliation…maybe even death. So yeah, he did kind of have a point. Of course, it drew my thoughts back to Bella. How could I have a normal relationship with her if I was like this? She didn't think this way of me, did she?

Emmett was still quiet, but now he was looking at me to gage my reaction.

"I'll stay on for a month or two until you can get a replacement. I have to find a job anyway…I don't want to freeload off my wife." He attempted the joke and I let him, smiling faintly.

"No. You don't have to do that. I understand why you're leaving. You need to be with Rose. I'll have Jasper here, in any case, and Laurent. We'll be fine." I tried my best to be persuasive even though my words held no conviction. Until this moment, the central position that Emmett had occupied here at the Center, and in my life, hadn't been clear. But now I knew. I would miss him. And yeah. I did feel abandoned. He was leaving me and I fucking needed him here. And yeah. I felt jealous. He was going off to the exact place that I wanted to be and couldn't. He was going to be with the woman he loved and there was no fear—of her rejection…of hurting her…of being inadequate.

But he was my brother and I loved him. So I would keep my feelings to myself and be happy for him. Because a part of me was. While other parts were screaming at me in their various languages, with their various mantras. I pushed them down, breathing deeply—the calming yogic breaths that once kept me calm and focused but now did little.

"Uh. Thanks Edward. Thanks for understanding."

I clenched my jaw. It made complete sense, after all. Why would he want to stay here? Why would Rosalie?

The phone rang, interrupting our conversation. Bella. There was nothing I wanted more than to hear her voice right now…she was the only thing that I needed.

"Bella." I said, when Emmett reached for the phone. He gave me a nod, patting me on the back before exiting.

* * *

BPOV

The phone rang and rang and I hoped to God Edward would answer. The ride home had been absolute Hell. Watching Alice and Jasper hold hands, whisper together…and they hardly knew each other. Not like I knew Edward.

I had been such a wreck in the morning…so unable to do anything properly…even brush my hair without my hand shaking. I knew he was watching me and that made it worse. The look on his face. He was breaking and so was I but I needed to keep it together…for us both.

I did need the job at Denali. Charlie had been paying my rent for almost six months and I knew he couldn't keep it up. I didn't want him to. I'd been waiting for a break for so long and now that I had one, I had to jump on it. Even Edward had wanted me to, despite my foolish dream that maybe I could stay with him at the Center. Things like that just didn't happen. I needed to make something of myself, for me, for Charlie.

But when I found out the Center would be closed for the rest of the month…I almost lost it, hurt that he hadn't asked me to stay, even for a couple more days, when we could've been alone. I was mad that he'd kept it from me, but did it make a difference? The insecure me said he didn't want me to stay. But I believed him when he said he'd done it because he was afraid I'd be worried. Moreover, it didn't escape me that I was keeping something from him too. Not wanting to be a hypocrite, I forgave him, understanding my anger had more to do with some sort of perceived rejection than any intentional slight on his part.

So why did I feel sick? Why did I feel like, not only wasn't I doing the right thing, I was doing the wrong thing?

Because you love him, you moron. My internal voice was back with a vengeance.

I loved Edward with a ferocity that I never thought I possessed. Whatever I'd had with Mike was a fucking joke compared to the way I felt about Edward. And on top of that I felt incredibly protective of him. Walking away from him was the hardest thing I'd done in my relatively short life. I soothed myself with thoughts that I'd see him soon. but his vacant gaze as he released me…the choked sound of his words…stayed with me during our trip home. Alice and Jasper had wanted to stop for dinner on the road and I'd complied, even though every fiber of my being screamed at me to get home as quickly as possible to retrieve the cell phone I'd left there and call Edward. I was so worried about him it was ridiculous. I felt desperate and codependent and I didn't care.

When they finally dropped me off in front of my apartment, I raced inside, ignoring the angry flashing number on my answering machine. Those calls could wait. There was only one that mattered.

The phone rang and rang. Finally, I heard muffled movement and a voice. His voice.

"Bella?" Not even a hello. He spoke softly and I could hear the pain there. Was it because of me? I wanted to run my fingers through his hair. I knew he was in the office and I imagined him there, how he'd look. Was he still wearing the white tee shirt he'd put on in the morning? Was he sitting on the desk?

"Yes." We sat silently for a few seconds. I realized I'd never been on the phone with him before. I'd never spoken with him except for when we were together, and this new mode of communication felt strange, though not entirely unpleasant.

He cleared his throat, breaking my reverie. "Did you have a good trip?" His voice was liquid velvet even transmitted through time and space.

"Umm. It was okay. Alice made us stop at Boston Market for dinner. She said she needed chicken." That was stupid. Why would Edward care where we ate?

"Oh. Was it good?"

"It was okay. I got a breast." I knew there was so much more, so much more I wanted to say. But I couldn't think of anything else than to mention the color of the meat of the poultry I'd consumed? The man was a vegetarian for God's sakes and was probably sickened by my revelation. This conversation was weird and it wasn't at all like us.

He chuckled.

"I…I just wanted to talk to you." I managed. "I miss you." I was aware of the fact that I sounded like a high school girl but I didn't care.

There was silence on the end of the line; then I heard a low breath. "I miss you Bella. So much."

"It's only been a few hours. How can we feel like this?"

"I think it's more the knowledge that I won't see you…for a while. But yeah."

"Uh. What'd you do today?"

"I went to the meadow. It was nice…not so nice as with you there."

"Yeah. Well watching Jasper and Alice mack on each other wasn't exactly an enjoyable way to spend an afternoon."

"I'd imagine that's true."

We chatted for a few minutes about inconsequential things, both of us trying to avoid the looming issues of our separation.

His voice sounded weird and it wasn't the connection. There was something bothering him.

"Edward, what's wrong?"

"What isn't, Bella?" He paused a beat. "Sorry. I'm really not a great conversationalist right now. Emmett just told me he's leaving the Center and moving to New York with Rose."

"Oh." I didn't know what to say and I was panicking. Should I tell him I knew or would that make it worse?

"You don't sound surprised," he said, a little coolly.

"No. Well. I figured…dammit. I don't want to lie to you Edward." Trying to justify my actions, to ensure he wasn't mad at me, I told him how Alice had let it slip that Rose and Em were moving and that I promised Rose not to tell. I knew I was blathering on like an idiot, not sure if I was helping or hurting the situation. He was going to be mad that I'd kept it from him, that I knew for sure, but I didn't know how to tell him what I knew without including information about how Rose and Emmett had intended to keep it from him.

"So…they told you that I couldn't handle it. They wanted to wait until after the wedding in case I freaked out?" His voice was too calm.

"No. They weren't sure. But, Edward, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't think it was my place…but I wanted to. I felt awful about the whole thing and I told Rose it was wrong and selfish of her and Emmett, but she made me promise. But I swear, I'd never have lied to you, Edward. If you asked me about it I would have told you the truth."

I was still going on, trying to save my own skin, and my words sounded hollow.

"Did you think that, Bella?" He was barely audible and I wasn't sure what he was referring to.

"What?"

"Did you think I couldn't handle it?"

"N-no." But he had heard the hesitation in my voice.

"Today, Bella. You said you didn't want to hide things. You wanted us to be open with each other." There was an odd quality to his words…he was retreating, withdrawing from me, and we'd only just found each other.

"Yes," I said, swallowing nervously. The tears had come before I could stop them and I knew they were audible in my shaking voice. "Please, don't hate me, Edward. I wanted to tell you. I'm so sorry. I didn't know what to do. But now I knew I did the wrong thing. Please, don't hate me. I love you so much. Please." It was so shitty, this whole situation, and I cursed myself for ever listening to Rose. She didn't understand how hard it was for Edward to give his trust. Once lost, I feared it would be lost forever.

"Bella…" He sighed loudly. "I could never hate you. Don't ever think that. I…think I understand what you did…but…I just need a little time to process this. Can I call you tomorrow?"

"Yes," I replied shakily. I didn't want him to go; already the cord that tied me to him was stretched so taut it hurt to breathe. What if he hung up and it broke?

"Please, call me tomorrow?"

"Yes. I promise. Goodnight, Bella. Bella?"

"Yeah?" I was now crying uncontrollably with thoughts of the hurt I'd caused Edward, and I knew he could hear me even though I tried to stifle my sobs.

"Please don't cry. I…I wish you were here."

The line went dead and I held the offending phone in my hand. I wanted to scream. Instead, I settled for sinking to the floor with a whimper. He said he couldn't hate me. He meant that, right?

* * *

**A/N Dodges tomatoes. So….let me know what you think. I can take it! (I think) Please review lovelies. **

_**The Cullen Sutras**_** has been nominated for an All Human Twilight Award for the "Fanfiction that had you Hooked for Drama." Voting begins today and runs through September 13th. Go and vote if you like this story! Thanks!  
**

http:/twilightallhumanawards(dot)webs(dot)com/nominations(dot)htm


	25. Wheel

**Disclaimer: Stephanie owns Twilight; I own the plot below.**

**Thanks to my lovely beta DiamondHeart78 for all of her help, as always. There are a few military terms used in this chapter. See the end A/N glossary.**

**Chapter 25: Wheel**

EPOV

Over the past twenty-four hours my life had gone from bliss to misery and, sadly enough, misery felt much more familiar. It was something I'd dealt with extensively during the past six years. Bliss, no, that was a much newer feeling, and strange. I still didn't feel comfortable being happy.

The sound of Bella's voice stayed with me; I couldn't bear her tears. Of course it wasn't her fault that Rose and Emmett had been assholes, and now she thought I was angry with her. I wasn't. What bothered me was that my brother and Rose had deliberately and methodically planned this whole thing, discussing my potential reactions behind my back and deciding their wedding was more important than my welfare. And the worst part is they made Bella a part of their deception by omission. I understood why she'd gone along…but when she told me over the phone, I'd needed a minute to regroup, just to think. It was too much at once and I felt overwhelmed; I had to get off the phone with her in case I said something I'd regret.

Even though she'd denied it, I deeply feared that Bella agreed with Rose and Emmett that I was unable to handle such news. What did they think I'd do, trash the wedding? Punch someone? Throw cake? I wanted Bella to think of me as a dependable man, not some sort of hypersensitive freak that might explode at any moment.

Since I couldn't sleep I decided to go down to the studio, dimming the lights and putting my favorite music on rather loudly, since I wasn't worried about waking up guests. Emmett and Rose might hear but I didn't really care at this point; they could suffer, awake, as I was.

I practiced for about an hour, willing myself into tiredness. Unsurprisingly, it didn't work. My mind was as alert as ever, even as my body felt the exhaustion—a build up of days without sleep. I wondered what Bella was doing, if she was awake. For a moment I considered calling her but thought better of it…if she was sleeping I didn't want to disturb her. But I would call her first thing in the morning.

At around five I went back to my room. Carlisle was coming to pick up Rose and Emmett at six and I didn't want to be around to run into them. I wanted to be alone. No, I wanted to be with Bella. The wanting was an ache deep inside me and I knew I couldn't be the only one that felt it, that's how powerful it was. Could I let her take that job with Denali when I needed her here? Emmett was leaving; could I ask Bella to come back? To stay? I lay on my bed and considered the option, imaging the conversation in my head. What would she say? If she said no… I wouldn't think of that. I'd ask her.

Barely able to contain myself, I waited until I heard Emmett and Rose fighting their way down the stairs with their suitcases. Carlisle's voice reverberated in the hall and, despite myself, I went to the window to watch them load up. Carlisle was hugging Rosalie and Emmett was loading the trunk with their two suitcases. They'd be gone for a week and them back again to pack up Emmett's stuff.

For a moment I allowed myself to mope about it, but then I remembered Bella. Maybe she'd be here with me by then.

Not wanting to waste another minute, I hurried down to the house phone and dialed her cell number. It rang and rang and went straight to her voicemail. I hung up and called back immediately, with the same result. Checking the clock in the office, I saw that it was only 6:30. She was probably still asleep. I hung up without leaving a message. I wanted to speak with her in person, not to a machine.

My day stretched open before me and it was blank. Everything was in order. Nothing was expected. But instead of freedom I felt an increasing despondency. My nerves were on edge and I felt slightly manic; I knew it was the sleep deprivation but that didn't make me feel better. What if I never slept again? What if she said no?

I held off until eight and called her again. Still no answer. Now I worried that she was awake and had seen my call, but that she didn't want to speak with me. Maybe after last night she had come to her senses and saw me for what I really was. Somewhere in me I knew it was my tired, cynical and paranoid mind issuing these thoughts. Bella loved me. I knew she did because she told me and Bella was not a liar. I called back and left a message.

"It's Edward. Call me," was all I could say in the moment of awkwardness I felt after the beep. Cell phones recorded how many times someone called; I knew she'd see I'd done it four times now and I hoped she wouldn't be annoyed.

By noon she hadn't called me and I considered phoning her again. My fingers itched, playing around the round dialing mechanism as I held the receiver in my other hand. But finally I sighed and hung it up. Bella had given me the space I'd needed last night and perhaps I should give her the same thing.

But by three o'clock I was nearly frantic with worry. I realized I hadn't eaten anything all day, but I wasn't hungry. My fear that Bella was angry with me had turned into a full-blown conviction. I played our last night together over and over again in my mind until I felt I'd burst from wanting her.

Playing the guitar didn't help…all I could think of was the last time I'd played. I'd selected the song specifically for my Bella, knowing how much she liked it. What she didn't know was that I'd actually written one for her, and at the last minute changed my mind-it seemed too intimate to play in front of an audience. Besides, it was Emmett's wedding, not mine, so I'd have to wait to play Bella her song when we were alone. Hopefully soon.

Nor could I read. It reminded me too much of Bella and our talks.

The only solace I felt was working in the garden. After waiting around the office, telling myself I was doing work for the Center but really waiting for Bella to call, I'd decided to go outside. There was something about feeling the earth under my hands that was calming. The plants and their distinctive scents—especially the tomatoes. I pruned the bushes and soon my arms were covered with streaks of pollen from the yellow flowers, budding too late in the season to produce. A tiny striped beetle was boring its way into one of my zucchini plants and I plucked it between my fingers, squishing it. This wasn't a beneficial insect, so I didn't feel bad. I worked until I was dripping with perspiration and quite hungry. My mind felt much clearer, and I vowed that if Bella still hadn't called after dinner that I'd call her again. And if she didn't answer I'd leave her a more detailed message. I'd tell her I loved her and I wanted her to come back.

Picking a few ripe tomatoes and an eggplant, I decided to make some eggplant parmesan for dinner. By then I'd lost much of my tiredness and had begun to feel a bit ridiculous about my earlier behavior. There had to be an explanation as to why she hadn't called. But even so, I checked the answering machine before adjourning to the kitchen. There were no messages.

It must've been around seven by the time I sat down to eat. I brought my plate outside and sat on the Center's steps. The afternoon had given way to cooling evening and I wondered what Bella was doing in New York, if it was hot there, if she was having dinner, and with who. After I'd finished the food without really tasting it, I sat for a while until the evening darkened. I dreaded facing another night with no sleep, and I still hadn't heard the phone ring.

_"Are you afraid, Edward?"_

_Jacob looked at me and I wanted to laugh, but then I saw he was serious. He looked a lot less confident, a lot younger. It was the night before we left for boot camp._

_We'd set up a tent in my parent's backyard and Jake had bought a couple of spliffs from Peter, one of the guys we'd gone to school with. So by now we were pretty high and the last thing I wanted to think about was the fact that there was a real fucking possibility we could get hurt…or die._

_"Not really. I mean, I hadn't thought about it." I took a pull from the roach I was pinching between my thumb and forefinger, inhaling the tobacco-laden smoke and stifling a cough. It wasn't the greatest weed, and Peter had definitely cut it with more tobacco than necessary. Was I lying? Maybe._

_"Why are you doing this?" He asked the question and I had no idea how to answer him._

_"Why are you?"_

_"I wanna be a hero, man." He leaned back, resting his head on his clasped hands with a huge grin on his face. "And when we come home, all the chicks will dig us."_

_"Like Leah?"_

_"Yeah, man, Leah and whoever else."_

_I laughed._

_"Oh yeah, you'll be a hero."_

_"Hell yeah I will."_

I remembered the first time I'd eaten meat after I'd returned from Iraq, and the last time. They had a barbeque in my honor and Emmett was the grill master. He handed me a huge juicy burger, fresh off the grill, and he looked so proud of himself. I was pretty drunk at this point and I took it from him and he grinned, patting me on the back.

"My little bro's a hero," he said.

I sat down on a lawn chair with the burger and I took a bite. Liquid ran down my chin and it was blood. Blood running down my face. I tasted char and I smelled burnt…the smell of flesh roasting.

With disgust I threw the burger to the ground and I stood up. I'll never forget the look on my brother's face.

All I wanted was a cigarette. I'd quit when I'd taken up yoga, but now I just wanted a smoke. If I could drive I'd fucking drive down to the store and buy some. Jazz left me his keys "just in case," but I knew I'd never use them. Did Jasper know Emmett was leaving too? Or was it just me, the only asshole without a clue?

Soon it grew dark and I decided to head inside, still unsure if I should call Bella or not. I did the dishes.

Over the hum of the water I thought I heard something; it sounded like the front door closing. But who could be here? Drying my hands I went to investigate. What I saw froze me in my tracks.

It was my ghost. Marcus was standing in the hall.

He looked much older than he'd been the last time I'd seen him, though then he'd already been in his early forties. Now he looked about sixty, and his hair was grey, hanging longer and more loosely around his face.

"I'm sorry, I had to let myself in," he apologized, his body clearly showing signs of tension. "I can't risk being seen."

"There's no one here," I managed.

"That's what I hoped."

"It was you. You're alive," I was gasping, sure I was close to a panic attack.

"Yes. It was me. I'm sorry I startled you that night, but you see, I had to remain undetected to the others you were with—Jasper Hale, and the woman, Isabella Swan."

My mind was reeling. How did he know who Bella was? And if he did, who else held that information?

"You followed us?"

"I've been trailing you for two weeks trying to speak with you, but you rarely leave the Center, and before now there've been too many people around. It would have been much too dangerous. I was hoping to make my presence known to you that night, but Ms. Swan returned from the bathroom before I got the chance."

"But Caius…he knew…he told me he had you. I was sure you were dead." I was sputtering now, remembering my last interaction with General Caius. The excruciating pain in my ribs and in my chest as he made me understand there would be no escape from the horrors I'd witnessed and perpetrated.

Marcus looked grim. "Yes, I'm afraid our last meeting was…not as discreet as I'd hoped. And I suffered the consequences of that oversight." He turned his head, and I discerned for the first time a long, jagged scar running the length of his face from his temple to his chin.

"My God. What did they do to you? But…how could you escape…how are you still alive?"

"It's a long story, I'm afraid, and one I don't particularly like retelling…suffice it to say that General Caius would be quite…put out…if he realized his orders hadn't been carried through." He paused. "Is there a place we could sit and talk…? You deserve an explanation, and what I have to say may take a while."

I gestured at him to follow me into the office, standing awkwardly in the doorway after I let him pass.

Marcus took a seat on the couch and gesturing for me to do the same. I slumped down into the office chair across from him, running my hand through my hair as the memory of his retreating form at Tanglewood returned. It had seemed so real and it was. For once, I wasn't insane.

My puzzled expression spurred him on.

"Do you remember Felix Dominguez?" I nodded, remembering the hulking and rather frightening new VOLTOR recruit who I had met only briefly before my discharge. It was a miracle I remembered anything of those days, I'd been so heavily sedated by alcohol and sleep deprivation. Caius had been especially pleased with Felix's physical strength, an incredible asset during raids.

"Good. Well, little did I, or Caius, for that matter, know he had been planted in VOLTOR to investigate Caius's alleged activities. Caius gave him the order to…dispose of me, and to make it appear that I had died from sniper fire. But once we were free from the compound he exposed his true identity.

"Caius has many political allies…which is why dealing with him is such a dangerous matter. But while Caius is quite powerful there are others who long suspected he was engaged in illegalities, as I believe I alluded to during our last, ill-fated conversation. I had been in contact with several of these individuals from the State Department. What I didn't know at the time of our talk was that Felix was being sent to infiltrate VOLTOR. In retrospect I see it would have been far too dangerous, for him and for me.

"Felix quickly discerned, in his short time in VOLTOR, that the corruption was rampant within the organization as a whole—not just Caius, but Jane, Alec and Demetiri—they were all profiteering from the illegal weapons dealing. And there was more, even more than I originally suspected…VOLTOR was linked to Al-Qaeda and Taliban operatives in many countries, including Afghanistan. He's been involved in arms dealing there, too.

"But I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm sure you must have questions."

I did, about a million, but one was particularly nagging.

"How did Felix figure this out so quickly, when you worked with Caius and the rest for years and knew nothing about it until Aban Hafeez?"

Marcus shook his head sadly. "During his…interrogation of me…aided, of course by the lovely Jane," Marcus gestured to his scarred face and I flinched, imagining the atrocities that bitch had inflicted on him. "Caius was quite loquacious. You see, one of his cardinal faults, and there are many, is his sense of pride…he relished telling me how he'd used his association with me as a cover for legitimacy. He knew I'd never condone VOLTOR's operations…I was an officer, and too highly respected…and so he put his trust in more power-hungry, enlisted men and women. I was a screen, if you will, to keep VOLTOR free of suspicion."

"But I don't understand." I shook my head, trying to wrap my mind around the information Marcus was giving me. "This was five years ago…if Felix had this all figured out, why didn't you do something sooner? Why is Caius still out there?" God only knew how many other people had suffered and died because of him. It was infuriating to think that the government knew about his dealings, or at least strongly suspected them, and did nothing to stop him.

"I haven't yet told you the whole story, Edward. Listen.

"Felix was under orders to liaise with me once he had gained Caius's trust. But then, of course, came the situation with Aban…and you. And then my capture. We hadn't had time to put the plan into action. Caius became much more measured and covert in his dealings after you left Iraq.

"But, aside from that, there was no physical evidence. You must understand, perhaps you don't, that a military tribunal is much different from a civilian trial." From my days in the service I knew the basic differences between the two trial systems, but I wasn't sure about specifics. I shook my head to indicate my ignorance. He continued.

"Though they operate under the same basic principles as civilian trials, courts-martial are entirely run by the military—the judge, the lawyers, and even the jury, will be retired or enlisted men and women. For an officer as high-ranking as General Caius to be indicted for treason…and convicted…is nearly impossible. In the history of U.S. courts-marital, only 20 individuals have ever been successfully convicted of such a high-stakes allegation. We couldn't risk coming forward until we were prepared, assured of a victory. And we needed evidence, not only regarding Caius, but also the others—Jane, Demetri and Alec."

"But wouldn't your word count? Wouldn't Felix's?"

"To some extent, yes. But since the jury would be formed by enlisted men and women, they're likely to be highly sympathetic to the accused, especially when the accused is a highly decorated and ranked officer. And of course there is no guarantee that a court-martial would even be called for without concrete evidence. If we had come forward and we had been denied a hearing or, God forbid, were granted one and lost, Caius would be unstoppable. So, despite the difficulty, we were forced to bide our time.

I shook my head at him incredulously. "Why did you wait so long to contact me? All of these years…I thought you were dead…there was no hope…why now?" Thinking about years of torment I'd endured, I wondered if it'd have made a difference if I knew that Marcus was alive and working to bring Caius to justice. Yes, I'd still have the guilt…but would I have hope, too?

"We were waiting until we had the evidence we needed. There wouldn't have been any use in contacting you until we were ready. And, I…knew your history…what happened when you returned from Iraq. I hoped not to have to involve you until it was absolutely necessary, if it ever was.

"Once Felix helped me escape, I went underground. I assumed a new identity, fearful of exposing Felix if Caius learned I was still alive. Over the past two years we've been slowly building our case for a General court-martial against Caius and VOLTOR with the help of some JAG Corps members and Pentagon officials. And for a while it didn't seem that we'd ever be able to catch Caius in the act—for all his ego, he is a cautious man.

"Finally, finally our waiting paid off. About eight months ago, Felix was able to procure photo documentation of members of VOLTOR and Blackwater meeting with high-ranking members of the Taliban. We now have the pictures in our possession and are ready to go forward."

"I still don't understand what you want me to do…" I muttered, somewhat obstinately. I had a feeling I knew what he wanted from me.

"We need you to testify, Edward. In order to bring the formal charge of treason against an officer, the Uniform Code of Military Justice requires that two people testify. In this case, that means myself, and you."

"What about Felix?"

Marcus shook his head, his eyes fixed on the ground, and I knew immediately that Felix was dead.

"How? Caius?"

"Landmine. But we believe that VOLTOR is responsible; it happened about two weeks ago."

"You must know Caius threatened my family. How can I come forward when their lives are at stake?"

"Their lives are already at stake." His mouth was set in a fine line and his eyes were deadly serious.

My heart thumped erratically. "What are you saying?"

Marcus rubbed his hand over his temples and leaned forward in his chair.

"There's an additional complication…"

"Which is?" I couldn't imagine what could make it worse.

"Caius and the rest of VOLTOR have been stationed in Afghanistan the past two years. If, as we believe, he knows that Felix is an informant, then he also might suspect a case is being built against him. We don't believe he knows about the photographs, or else he would have gone AWOL already. But as it is he's in a highly volatile region of the country, with many contacts and much protection, mostly from the Taliban, making it almost impossible to arrest him there."

I sighed, exasperated. The situation was a terrible web and it just kept getting thicker and stickier with each additional revelation.

Marcus acknowledged my irritation, and then continued. "The 'good news,' if it can be called such, is that he's scheduled to attend a meeting concerning Afghani security in Geneva on September eighth." Somewhere in my mind I registered that this was a few days before Bella's birthday. She was supposed to come and visit. I forced my thoughts back to the present, knowing it was important for me to hear the details of the plan.

"Caius almost always travels with his retinue, and we have no reason to believe that he won't continue to do so. Once they're there, we can make our move and take them into custody. But if Caius gets wind of our plans, he and VOLTOR could disappear into the hills forever. It's imperative that he attends that meeting; and for that to happen his suspicions must be allayed. Caius is, above all, a vain man. He believes himself invincible, above the law…and it is that confidence and vanity that will ultimately lead to his downfall."

Remembering Caius's fearlessness in accosting me just minutes before my departure from the country, I nodded in agreement.

"But, until he is arrested, things will be extremely dangerous for you and your family, which is one of the reasons that I've waited until everyone left to speak with you.

"It is of the utmost importance that everything we discuss here today remain secret. As of now, Caius doesn't believe that I'm alive, and it is in the best interest of the ensuing proceedings, and my life, that we keep it that way.

"I believe that Caius has been monitoring your movements through an internal mole. What do you know about your chef?"

As if the news of this night couldn't get any worse. How could I have been so blind? We'd hired Laurent six months ago with hardly a background check…he was the only one to apply for the job and we'd been desperate to fill the position for the upcoming spring season. All I knew was that he was French-Algerian and had worked as a chef at a notable restaurant in Boston. Or so his resume said. We hadn't bothered to check references after he'd given us a demonstration of his skills in the kitchen, we'd been so pleased with him. I told Marcus as much and he frowned. I knew what he was thinking; after all of my training, how had I allowed this terrible oversight?

"Laurent's working for Caius?"

Marcus rifled in the bag he was carrying, producing a manila envelope with several photographs. He slid the folder across the table and I picked up the picture on top. There were several men in the grainy black and white photograph, and I inhaling sharply when I recognized Laurent and Caius among them.

"His real name is Lawrence Damien. He's been in Iraq for three years working as a contractor for Blackwater until about seven months ago. He disappeared after that, and we only learned he was here, working for you, two weeks ago—which is when I arrived to monitor you after Felix was killed. It was my fear that perhaps Caius holds similar intents towards you, and that is why he's planted Laurent here.

"Edward. I have to ask you something very important and you need to answer me truthfully. Have you told anyone what you know about VOLTOR…what happened in Iraq?"

My body went cold and I thought about Bella…the dreams…I'd said names…but no, I hadn't told her anything. Just about Jacob.

"Edward, this is important."

"Bella…I told her about Jacob. But nothing about VOLTOR. But I did say names in my sleep…Jane…and yours. She thought I said Mark. She doesn't know anything.'

Marcus frowned again, his face thoughtful. "Do you have any reason to suspect that Lawrence…Laurent…has knowledge of this?"

"I don't know…maybe…" Now I was frantic, pulling at my hair and trying to remember…we'd been in my room…in the bathroom…what even happened that night? What did I say? Could Laurent have overheard?

"But I didn't say anything…she doesn't know anything."

"Unfortunately, that might not matter. In all likelihood, Laurent doesn't believe that Bella knows…but he knows she's close to you…she might still be in danger, along with the rest of your family."

"Where is he now?" I realized I had no idea where Laurent went when the Center shut down. Could he have gone to New York? My stomach dropped again and I could feel the blood drain from my face.

"He was trailed to Logan and took a flight to Los Angeles. Do you know what he might be doing there?'

"No. I have no idea." I felt stupidly relieved despite the persisting gravity of the situation. Bella was safe. At least for now.

"Blackwater headquarters is in Orange County, California. We suspect that's where he's headed, but unfortunately, we weren't able to get a tail on him when his flight landed."

I realized I was sitting incredibly still but my insides were chaos. There wasn't even a fragment of stable ground to hold onto anymore.

"And this Isabella Swan, you are close with her?"

"She's my girlfriend." My words were soft as I realized the inanity of my statement. She was my world, my fucking life. And now she was in danger because of me.

"I figured as much." He smirked. My face flushed with anger and embarrassment, only just having realized that, since he'd been following us, he must have witnessed everything.

"I need to keep her safe, keep my family safe. Tell me what to do." I was pleading; I'd do anything to ensure the well-being of my family and Bella.

"For the next few weeks, you need to maintain as much normalcy as possible. Continue doing what it is you do, and by all means, don't give Laurent any reason to suspect that you know. If my assessment is correct, Caius will soon feel at ease again, and then we'll make our move at the convention."

"I'm supposed to keep Laurent…or Lawrence…whatever…on here? How the hell am I supposed to do that?"

"It's essential, Edward. If Laurent suspects you, he will not hesitate to act. This man is dangerous, and he's lethal."

"Then why hasn't he killed me already?" It seemed like an obvious question. If Caius was so worried about me talking, why not take me out and eradicate the threat?

"I'm not entirely sure, though I suspect Caius knows that his power on U.S. soil is limited. For Laurent to kill you here, the authorities would certainly be involved; they would possibly uncover the association between Laurent and Caius. And so it's in his best interest to leave you alive unless it is absolutely necessary."

"But Bella…will she be safe?"

"We're going to put a watch on her, just to be sure, but yes, I think she will be, though I would keep her from Laurent."

"That goes without saying," I muttered. I couldn't imagine asking Bella to come back up here with Laurent around. The last two weeks I'd been devastated that Bella was going back to New York, but now I was incredibly thankful. As long as she was there, she was out of harm's way.

"There is a joint American-Iraqi operation being carried out, as we speak, to apprehend those responsible for your friend's death. We hope, once their weapons dealing connections are eradicated, they will be much easier to target.

"But just to make things clear. This will be one of the most important trials to happen on U.S. soil. Never has such a high-ranking officer as Caius been convicted of treason. The lives of many hundreds, even thousands, of people are at stake. We need you. Please remember that." He didn't have to tell me twice. I understood how far-reaching Caius's influence was.

"This is also our chance to take down Blackwater. Yes, Laurent is a part of that, but we're also after his superior, James Verwoerd, and several other men. Of course, they won't be court-marshaled, but they'll have a separate, criminal trial—for them, we're hoping we can get life imprisonment."

"And for Caius? For VOLTOR?"

"The punishment for treason is corporeal."

"Death."

"Yes. If all goes according to plan."

We sat in silence for a few minutes until Marcus glanced at his watch, indicating that he had to leave.

"I know this is a lot to take in, Edward," he said as I walked with him to the front of the door, "but it's the only way." I nodded absently, my mind drifting again to thoughts of Bella. Could I keep her away until Laurent and Caius were in custody? How would I do it? It made me uneasy to think that I'd have to keep her in the dark about the situation, but it was the only way for her to remain safe. Even though Marcus had assured Bella's safety, I was still apprehensive. All I knew is that she couldn't possibly come here, no matter how much I wanted her to. And that thought alone was enough to kill me. Panic set in, making my heart beat quickly.

When would I see her again?

"And Edward," Marcus concluded, "you mustn't speak to anyone about the court-martial or your role in it, even once the arrests are made. It's integral for the success of our endeavor that the evidence remains private."

I stared at him, the realization dawning on me about what this meant—this wasn't only a matter of maintaining a secret for weeks, but until the trial was underway—months…could it even be years?

I didn't even want to know the answer to that question.

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**A/N. While I've done a bit of research, I'm no expert in military justice or the inner workings of these types of proceedings, so, if you are, please forgive my ignorance!  
**

Just a few terms for this chapter:

Court-martial: Military courts that determine punishments for members of the military subject to military law who are found guilty of a crime or dismiss the charges based on the evidence and the case presented.

JAG Corp: the Judge Advocate General's Corps. The legal branch of the U.S. Arms Forces. JAG officers serve as legal advisors to the command to which they are assigned. They also serve as prosecutors for the military when conducting courts-martial. They are charged with both the defense and prosecution of military law as provided in the Uniform Code of Military Justice. Highly experienced officers of the JAG Corps often serve as military judges in courts-martial and courts of inquiry.

AWOL: basically, desertion or absence without leave.

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	26. Bound Angle

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I own the words I write. **

**Thanks to my amazing beta DiamondHeart78. You rock my socks woman.**

**On this day, we remember.**

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**Chapter 26: Bound Angle**

BPOV

The shrill sound of a phone jolted me awake. I sat up abruptly, completely unaware of my surroundings; I was lying on the floor of my Queens apartment. With effort I tried to recall the previous evening, and it all came back to me in an unwelcome rush. I had remained awake hoping Edward would call me back after we'd hung up, but apparently he hadn't. I must've fallen asleep waiting.

My cell phone was still clutched in my hand and I flipped it open only to note that the battery was dead. The phone that was ringing was my house phone, and I leapt up, ignoring my shoulder, sore from a night on the wood floor, and snatched it from its cradle.

"Hello?" My voice was hoarse, and I cleared my throat, my heart pounding in the hopes it was Edward.

"Bella? Bells, I really need a favor."

It was Alice. I tried to stifle my disappointment. Had I given Edward my house number? I was sure I had.

"Hey, Al, yeah, I'm here. I just woke up."

"It's after noon Bella! Damn, you must've had a late night last night."

"Yeah, well, I guess you could say that, though it wasn't exactly enjoyable," I snapped. Though it wasn't Alice's fault that Edward was pissed at me, I couldn't hide the irritation in my voice.

"What's got your panties in a bunch?" She asked, reacting to my tone.

"Nothing…only that Edward's pissed off about the Emmett leaving thing, and he knows I freaking knew and didn't tell him. God, I feel like such an ass. I never should've agreed to it. Rose and Emmett…damn. I'm so mad at them I don't even know what the hell to say…" I was ferreting around for my phone charger and I couldn't find the damn thing. It was just my luck, and it was making me even more pissed off.

"So you told Edward you knew?"

"Of course I did, Al. I'm not gonna lie to him." She sighed on the other end of the line.

"So he's mad at you?"

"Yes…no….I don't know…he seemed more hurt than anything else when we talked last night and he's supposed to call me and my phone's dead and I don't have my damn PHONE CHARGER!" Now I was really mad, frantically digging through piles of clothes. What if he'd called and left a message? But why wouldn't he have called my other number?

"Bella…relax. Everything's gonna be okay. I know it."

"Yeah, that's easy for you to say," I grumbled.

"Edward loves you, Bella. Jasper told me so. He's never seen him so happy. He'll come to his senses and understand why you didn't tell him."

"Hmph."

Her voice was irritating me and I wanted to hang up, but before I could get off the phone she reminded me of the reason she called.

"Bella.. I hate to ask you this but I really really need a favor. I'm at work and Jasper's locked out of my apartment. I left him a key but he went out for coffee and forgot it and now he's wandering around New York and I have to work late…probably until seven. Please please please can you go let him in? Or maybe hang out with him for a bit? I feel so bad having to work while he's here. Please please?"

Alice had entrusted both Rose and I with keys to her apartment, but since Rose was on her honeymoon, I was the lucky lady.

"Fine. Where is he?"

"He's at the Grey Dog on Carmine."

I sighed heavily. It'd take me at least an hour to get to Alice's east village apartment. "Well, I hope he's comfortable, because I have to shower. And I have to find my damn phone charger."

"Wait…did you say you lost a charger?"

"Yeah, about a million times," I grumbled. Did she ever listen?

"Oh shit, I think I might've seen it in my car. I saw one at least, maybe it fell out of your bag? We can check after work. B…listen, I gotta go…can you help me out?"

A little over an hour later I found myself at Alice's neighborhood coffee shop.

Jasper was sitting at a small table in the corner, nursing a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper. I seated myself across from him and he looked up, giving me an appreciative smile.

"Hey."

"Hey," he replied. "Thanks a lot for coming Bella. There's only so much world news I can take without jumping off the nearest ledge," he sighed, folding up the paper.

"That bad, huh?"

"I just hate reading things about the war…even though the combat mission in Iraq is over now, I just have the feeling that things are gonna go south at any minute, you know?"

"Yeah. It's kinda embarrassing, but I guess I don't know too much about it. I don't follow the news much. But I think after a while you just become desensitized to it. I mean, when it first happened it was the only thing we talked about, and now, it's like it's over…no one talks about it anymore. No one remembers."

"Except the soldiers." Jasper said softly. I didn't know how to respond, having never spoken to Jasper before about his time in Iraq. All I knew was that he and Edward had met overseas and that Jasper had accepted a job at the Center when he'd returned, since he'd already been a trained instructor before he enlisted.

"Yeah. I guess you think about it a lot."

"It's hard not to. I was over there for two years, and I saw a lot of messed-up stuff. But it's not as bad for me as it is for…Edward."

"What happened to him Jasper? I know there's something else…I know it. He told me about Jake, but I feel so in the dark…I can tell he's hiding something and it's killing him. I feel so helpless when he has a panic attack or something. I don't know what to do."

"Honestly, Bella, I have no idea what happened. But I can't help but suspect it has something to do with his time in Project VOLTOR."

"What?" I'd never heard that name before. "Jasper, what was Project VOLTOR? Something Edward was involved in?" Jasper glanced around uncomfortably, obviously nervous about his revelation. Clearly he was reconsidering what he'd said.

"It was nothing, Bella. I'm not gonna say anything more, and I don't really know anything anyway."

"But you think this has something to do with Edward's dreams? With his PTSD?"

Jasper lowered his gaze and shrugged. But whatever he knew, I knew how he felt—he didn't want to betray his friend. That thought hit close to home, and I couldn't stop my face from falling. I blinked back the tears that were forming, but Jasper had already seen.

"What the hell happened, Bella? Is Edward okay?"

I broke down, relaying the entire incident from the day that Alice had let the information slip to my conversation with Edward the previous evening. Jasper listened stoically, and then unexpectedly took the hand that I lay unwittingly proffered on the table. His jaw was clenched and I could tell he was angry.

"He'll forgive you, Bella. As far as I see it, there's nothing to forgive."

"That's what Alice said."

"She's a smart one." He smiled, releasing my hand. I thought I saw him blushing. Though it was still strange to consider them a couple, perhaps they did work together—Jasper's equanimity was a nice contrast to Alice's boisterousness. They complimented one another, and Jasper really seemed to like her.

Talking with Jasper was nice; I felt closer to Edward. After he finished his coffee, I suggested giving him an unofficial tour until Alice got off of work. He agreed readily, and we strolled over to the Strand bookstore—I loved getting lost among the ceiling-high towers of used books. I ran my finger along their spines, relaxing a bit as I inhaled the comforting musty smell. Edward would love this place.

A few hours later, cell charger in hand, I was made my way back to my empty apartment. For once it hadn't been difficult to excuse myself from Alice's attention; obviously she and Jasper had more private plans.

Once my phone was on, I checked my messages and saw immediately that Edward had left one…very early…and he'd called four times in all. It was already eight o'clock and I felt awful I'd gone all day without returning his call. He probably thought I didn't want to talk to him, and there was really nothing further from the truth.

There was also a message from Seth Clearwater telling me he'd settled into an apartment in Brooklyn and was wondering if I was around, since he was still getting familiar with the city. Hell, maybe I should just start a new career as a NYC tour guide.

My hands were trembling as I dialed the Center's number in a repeat performance of the night before; I hoped the outcome of this conversation would be different.

It rang only once before he answered. His voice was strained as he uttered my name.

"Yes, it's me. Edward, I'm so sorry I didn't get your call. I fell asleep and Alice had my charger…and then I slept late and I had to go out to meet Jasper…"

"Bella, it's okay. Really, I'm just glad you're okay."

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Nothing. No reason."

"Well, to tell you the truth I haven't been all that great," I sighed, sitting on the edge of my bed. "I'm so sorry about what happened, Edward." What else was there for me to say?

"It's not important now," he said dully.

"How can you say it's not important?"

"It just isn't."

"What are you going to do about the job vacancy?"

"We'll find someone." I wanted to tell him I'd do it, I'd be there in an instant. But he must've considered the option—it seemed so obvious—and felt it wasn't a great idea, or else I was certain he'd have asked.

Edward's clipped replies to my questions were starting to alarm me. Why wasn't he being more responsive? I could deal with his anger, but not his apathy—that was far worse. I called him on it.

"I can tell there's something wrong, Edward. Talk to me."

"I'd rather hear you talk," he said, a little more brightly. "Tell me about your day."

Omitting the fact that I had woken up on the floor of my apartment clutching my cell phone in my hand, I told him about the phone charger mishap and my afternoon with Jasper. But I didn't tell him about what Jasper had said about VOLTOR; this wasn't the time or place to bring that up, especially since our connection seemed a bit frayed from the previous day's events. But I wouldn't forget it.

Edward was mostly silent as I rambled and I wondered at several moments if he was even listening. Finally I came to the end of my narrative and waited for him to respond.

"I wish I could've been there." I could detect the sadness, almost the hurt, in his voice.

"Me too. I mean, Jasper's a great guy and all, but there's only one I want to hang out with. I thought of you the whole time," I said, smiling secretly as I thought of the book I'd purchased him…it was a real steal, a first edition copy of The Sun Also Rises, one of the first novels we'd talked about. It was during that conversation I fell in love with him, though I hadn't recognized it at the time. I couldn't wait to see him again and give it to him, but I wanted to keep it a surprise.

"What'd you do today?" I asked.

"I missed you. I missed touching you," he said lowly, suggestively. Even over the phone, his words made my body tingle.

"Mmmm, I miss that too." I agreed, flopping down on my bed.

"I can't stop thinking about the way you feel, the way you taste. So perfect." His last words were almost whispered and I could hear the need in his voice. Did Edward want to talk dirty on the phone? The thought both thrilled and embarrassed me. I wasn't exactly well versed in phone sex, but I wasn't adverse to the idea, especially with Edward. I thought maybe I'd test the waters.

"I love the way you touch me, Edward. No one's ever made me feel the way you do. I wish you were touching me right now."

"God, Bella, I can't take you saying things like that. Not over the phone," his voice was raspy.

"Why not? If I close my eyes, I can imagine you're here with me. I can imagine it's your fingers stroking me, loving me." I reached my hand down under the waistband of my pants and felt myself; I was aroused just listening to his voice. I decided to be daring and let out a little moan.

"Bella…are you…" I heard a sharp intake of breath.

"Touching myself? Maybe." I teased coquettishly.

"God," he grunted, "that's so fucking sexy."

"I'm imagining you're here. In my bed. I want to see you do it too."

"But it's not enough. It's not enough."

"No, it's not. But what other choice is there?" I waited for him to respond but he said nothing. I groaned in mental and sexual frustration and I could hear Edward breathing on the other end and I knew he was stroking himself.

"Edward?" I asked, increasing my movements, "tell me how it feels."

"So good. You're so fucking tight. God, I want to be in you right now, you have no idea."

I moaned more loudly, knowing he loved to hear it. The desire in his voice was urging me quickly towards my own release. "Faster, Edward, please. Touch yourself. I love seeing you stroke your cock." I almost couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth and I would have been incredibly embarrassed if it was with anyone else. But with Edward I felt safe.

"You're making me so hard Bella…I'm so close," he panted.

"Don't stop," I said breathlessly, as I felt my orgasm approach and overtake me. I came with a cry, my muscles contracting swiftly, almost painfully. I could hear his strained breathing and knew he needed just a little more to push him over the edge. "Oh Edward…I'm imagining you're inside me. And it's so good. God…oh God. I love the way you fill me."

"Fuck. God…Bella…" he moaned as his breathing quickened. I heard him grunt and knew he was coming.

We sat in silence for a minute as our breathing slowed. I couldn't believe I just had phone sex. With Edward Cullen.

"Well, I guess that'll just have to tide us over for a few weeks," I chuckled. "I have a feeling, though, I'll have a very happy birthday this year."

Edward didn't say anything but I thought nothing of it, figuring he was still recovering.

"Bella," he said after a moment. "I just want you to know. Well. Whatever happens, I care about you. I love you."

His cryptic remarks confused me. I had no idea what was going on in his mind. "I love you, Edward. Always."

"I'll always be glad you came into my life."

"Me too. But what's brought all this on? You're sounding like we're never going to see each other again," I laughed.

There was another pause. "Are you ready for your interview tomorrow?" He was changing the subject. Something was definitely up with him.

"Edward, what's wrong?

"You should probably get some sleep."

"When will I talk to you again?" I asked. He was sounding so strange now I had half a mind to drive up to the Center immediately, only I didn't have a car.

"Soon. Goodnight Bella."

"Night." I held the phone in my hand, perplexed. One second we were having phone sex and professing our love and the next minute he was in a rush to get of the phone with me. Something was going on. Was he still mad at me for the Rose and Emmett thing but not telling me? I was going to get to the bottom of this if it was the last thing I did.

The next few weeks passed slowly despite my increasing business. My interview had gone extremely well, and Tanya had immediately welcomed me to her team. The job itself was far from glamorous—in fact, it involved much more grunt work than I had expected—but the pay was quite good. The agency was under pressure to meet a strict deadline with one of its largest clients, a well-know computer giant, and I was working long days, sometimes not getting home till 8 or 9 at night. Even though Alice was around, I hardly saw her except at lunchtime—she was especially busy as Tanya's "right hand woman."

Charlie was pleased I'd found a job, and I tried to be enthusiastic when I spoke with him. He saw it as "gaining real-world experience," and was happy I was finally "getting on my feet." My dad saw me as a success story—a small-town girl making it in the big city—and I indulged him. Little did he know my feet were slipping out from underneath me.

I spoke with Edward much less often than I liked. When we did, I did most of the talking—he would ask questions about my job, about Alice, about New York—and by the end of the conversation I'd realize he'd barely told me what was going on in his life. Every time I mentioned my impending visit he was noncommittal, and now I was both worried and angry. I felt him drifting away and I didn't know what to do about it. But sometimes he'd call me in the middle of the night and I could tell he was desperate to talk to me, only then he'd ask me something so basic, or make such a banal comment, I wasn't sure what to think. He wasn't sleeping but he wouldn't admit it. When I asked him what was really going on, he'd assure me everything was fine, then hang up as quickly as possible.

Our last conversation had been the worst. He had called me at 2 a.m., slurring in his speech, and I asked him if he'd been drinking. He denied it, but I didn't believe him and I told him so. Edward had told me he wasn't an alcoholic and I'd believed him, but I knew he avoided alcohol because of his past. I had my suspicions that he'd broken into Emmett's stash. Finally, I was so frustrated I asked him about VOLTOR and he'd gotten immediately defensive, telling me to never speak of it again. But I persisted and he got angry—I was sure if he just talked about it things would get better, but he apparently didn't agree.

I didn't really have anyone to talk about it with either. Alice was incredibly busy with work and Jasper, and Rose and I weren't exactly on good terms. When she'd returned from her honeymoon, I'd really laid into her about what had happened with the wedding and Emmett's resignation. She felt terrible, I knew, and admitted she'd made a mistake, but I continued to hold onto my anger towards her. Rose had become the scapegoat I needed to explain why my relationship with Edward was faltering.

When Jasper had been back a couple of weeks after his initial visit, I asked him about Edward's behavior and what he said didn't exactly allay my fears. Classes had started again and the Center had guests, but Edward was keeping to himself, more so even than was usual. He was convinced Edward missed me and that's what was making him act so strangely, but I wasn't so sure. I hadn't spoken to Jasper again since my fight with Edward; hopefully, Edward hadn't gotten too upset with him for mentioning VOLTOR.

Another tension in my relationship with Edward came from a different source—Seth Clearwater. I'd returned his phone call a couple of days after I returned and we'd agreed to meet up for a visit. He was starting classes in two weeks and was extremely nervous, especially since he was older than most of the incoming freshmen.

I took him to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and we'd spent the day looking at various exhibits and getting to know one another. My initial impression of him as a sweet guy was confirmed, and we got along together really well. I gave him the scoop on the professors I'd had classes with during my time at the university, making him promise to never take a class with Professor Greenburg. This was a man I'd seen "pick and flick" during one of his lectures—that was enough reason to stay away, but it was magnified tenfold by the fact that he was a pretentious asshole and a difficult grader. I'd spent a massive amount of time on his Marketing class, and had only managed a "B-"—the lowest grade I'd received in college.

Seth was shy and unsure now that he was in unfamiliar territory, and I did my best to make him feel welcome, even though I didn't have a lot of time because of work.

When I told Edward I'd hung out with his friend, he was not exactly pleased. I knew he was jealous, but I didn't feel there was any reason for him to be. For one thing, there was no way I'd ever care for Seth in any way other than friendship. He was sweet, but he wasn't Edward. So, I tried not to mention Seth in our conversations, even though I had seen him one more time. I didn't want to make things worse between us.

Now it was September 8th and I hadn't spoken to Edward since Friday. It was his turn to call and he hadn't. My birthday was less than a week away and we still didn't have any definite plans. I had hoped to take the bus after work and have Jasper pick me up on Friday evening, but I was beginning to think it wasn't happening. I couldn't understand why. Being away from him—the Edward I thought I knew—caused a physical ache so acute that at times, when I let it envelop me, I could hardly breathe. How could he not feel the same way? Had I known Edward at all? What had inspired this change in him—from a loving, sweet, and attentive person to an erratic, jealous, and emotionally reserved one? He was reminding me more and more of the Edward I'd first met at the Center, before we'd become friends, before I knew his secrets.

It was after eight and I knew classes were done for the evening. Not wanting to wait anymore, I decided I'd call him. I had to know what was going on, and I didn't care if it upset him or not. I'd get some answers.

The Center's phone rang and rang and someone finally answered, but it wasn't Edward.

"Jasper, can you put Edward on the phone please?" I snapped, irritated at the situation. I felt badly for taking my anger out on Jasper, but I couldn't help myself. My nerves were frayed.

"Uh. I don't know where he is. I'll try to find him. Can you hang on a sec?" It seemed like that was the only thing I was doing lately, hanging on.

"Yeah."

"Bella, Edward's been acting really weird today. I'm just warning you."

"What's wrong?" I was immediately alarmed.

"I don't know. He won't tell me. Oh. I think he's coming. Hold on."

The phone was muffled but I could still detect raised voices. Finally, a shuffling, then, Edward.

"Bella?"

"Hi," I said tersely. "I was waiting for you. You were supposed to call. What's going on?"

"Yeah, I…got held up."

"Really? Interesting. 'Cause it seems like you have a ton of free time on your hands."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked sharply.

"Nothing."

"You obviously mean something by it."

"Well, I asked Jasper and he told me you haven't really been doing much around the Center, is all."

"Jasper has no idea what I've been doing," he said darkly.

"Well, neither do I, Edward! You won't tell me anything!"

"Bella. Now's not a good time. Can I call you back tomorrow?" There was an unfamiliar edge to his voice; I didn't like it.

"No! I want to talk about this now! It's my birthday this coming weekend, in case you forgot, and I thought I was supposed to be coming to visit, and every time I bring it up you ignore me or change the subject, and I'm starting to think you don't want me to come!" I was tearing up now, overwhelmed by the emotions that were rising, ones that I'd tried to repress all weekend. Seth had come by and we'd gone for coffee, but the whole time I'd been thinking about Edward. He knew something was up but I felt awkward discussing my relationship with Edward, especially since theirs was so rocky.

"You can't come, Bella."

"What are you saying, Edward? I'm coming."

"Not this weekend."

"I'm coming Edward. You wanted me to! That day after the wedding? We were planning on it! What's changed in four weeks?"

When he spoke again his voice was dead. "I don't want you to come."

My stomach lurched uncomfortably. A chilling wave vibrated through my body and settled in my chest. I fisted my hand into the comforter beside me, willing myself to respond, though I felt dizzy and sick.

"What do you mean?" I asked softly, barely able to even hear my own voice. It was what I'd feared all these weeks. That he'd gotten sick of me. He didn't want me. I could hear it in his voice every time we spoke, the distance there.

"I've been thinking about things. I think I've made a mistake."

"No." I said. If I denied it wouldn't be real, couldn't be real. "A mistake?"

"I should never have been with you, that way, Bella."

"What do you mean?"

"I should never have been intimate with you. It was a mistake."

"How can you say this to me?" My heart was hammering in my chest now and I felt like I was going to throw up. I had to get off the phone or else I'd throw up.

"I'm sorry. I think it's better this way."

"So you're..what...breaking up with me?" A cavernous hole was forming in my chest. I couldn't breathe. This couldn't be happening.

Silence.

"You're a fucking coward, Edward Cullen. A fucking coward," I sobbed, tears now running freely. "You told me you loved me and now you fucking break up with me over the phone? What kind of man are you?"

Now I was sobbing so loudly I could hardly hear anything, and I didn't want to. I wanted to drown myself in my tears, drown out the world. I didn't want to hear Edward tell me he didn't love me. That it was all a lie.

"I'm sorry," was all he said.

"Me too, Edward. I hope you're happy now. You broke my fucking heart."

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	27. Scorpion

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I own the words I write. **

**Thanks to my amazing beta DiamondHeart78. You rock my socks woman.**

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**Chapter 27: Scorpion**

**EPOV**

"I don't want you to come," I lied. I was a liar. I was lying to Bella and she had done nothing to deserve it. Her only crime was loving me. But I didn't have any other choice.

"What do you mean?" she asked; I heard the confusion, the disbelief in her voice.

"I've been thinking about things. I think I've made a mistake." I forced the words out; they felt disjointed and strange on my tongue. Foreign. Being with Bella was the one thing I'd done right in my life. If only I could tell her how completely wrong I was. I thanked God we were on the phone; if she'd been standing in front of me I'd never have been able to do this.

"No…a mistake?" She was weighing my words, considering them. But I could tell she was starting to believe me. She'd just need a little more to convince her. No matter how much it made the bile rise in my throat, I uttered the blasphemy.

"I should never have been with you, that way, Bella." The lies clawed their way out. There was no other way.

The rest of the conversation was a blur in my mind…I could barely remember it. I didn't want to.

_You're a fucking coward, Edward Cullen. A fucking coward. _ Her words cut deeply, but there was nothing left to bleed.

My head was a wooden block, locked in place on the floor. I grasped the glass bottle in my right hand and brought it to my lips but it was empty. I was sure it was full. Just a few minutes ago it was full.

I tried to sit up but I couldn't. My head was too heavy and I couldn't lift it. Where was Bella? I knew I'd heard her voice. She was crying. She wanted to come but she couldn't. There was no way she could come here. I couldn't stay either. Where would I go? Anywhere I went I'd put someone in danger, someone I loved.

But it was a mistake-such a mistake-I'd made a mistake-I needed Bella and now she'd never come and I was here and where was Emmett? I had his bottle but it was gone and all I had was nothing.

Somewhere my mind registered the sound of knocking…voices…

I struggled to sit up and my stomach felt heavy and it lurched and sloshed uncomfortably.

The door to Emmett's room was locked, though, and I was safe from the voices and the knocking. I had the only key.

I lay back down.

I was drunk. Beyond drunk. And I didn't even know if Bella was safe. She was being closely monitored, but what if Laurent was on his way to her? What if Caius was? I had to believe she'd be safe…they would come for me, not for her. Not for her.

I tried to remember what Marcus had told me that morning on the phone, but it was hazy. It was too hazy. But I knew our plan didn't work. His plan didn't work.

I told her not to come. I told her I didn't want her anymore. But every neuron still firing in my sluggish brain screamed for her.

There was no one to talk to—I was alone.

I'd been so careful not to say anything. All of this time I'd hoped that Laurent would be arrested before Bella's birthday and now I knew it was impossible. There was no hope left. Just the empty bottle in my hand.

* * *

_36 hours earlier_

Sunday morning it was my turn to call Bella. I usually waited till around ten to call, since she liked to sleep in on the weekends. Ever since she'd started her job she was exhausted during the week, and I knew she needed the extra rest.

Things had been getting increasingly strained between us and I didn't know what I could do to fix it. She was annoyed with me during our conversations, mostly because I wouldn't tell her anything about what my life was like since she'd been gone. When she'd ask me about her upcoming birthday visit I'd change the subject—I wanted her to come, of course, but not until all of this shit was straightened out and Laurent was no longer a danger.

I thought I was doing a good job of distracting her by asking her questions about her own life, but she saw through my ruse right away. I guess I didn't help matters by calling her in the middle of the night, but I couldn't help myself. Her voice was the only thing that calmed me and brought me back from my increasingly severe panic attacks.

It didn't help much to know that she'd seen Seth in the city, a fact that made me jealous and uncomfortable despite her protestations. He was my friend and I shouldn't feel that way, but I did. I could tell by the tone of her voice that she liked him; I was so far away—how could I possibly compete if it turned out he wanted to be more than friends?

Sleeping had become simply unbearable. One night I woke up shaking so uncontrollably that I'd found myself, almost unknowingly, in Emmett's old room breaking into his stash of single malt whiskey. My brother didn't drink much, but when he did he drank the good stuff. I had no idea why he'd left it here, though he'd left several boxes behind as well so perhaps it hadn't been his top priority during the move. He'd left me the keys to his room, including his room safe, mistakenly, I presumed. They had been in such a hurry to leave.

After downing two relatively large glasses, I found my body sufficiently numbed and was able to sleep peacefully for the first time in a week.

The next morning I chastised myself—there was no way I was going down that path again using alcohol to anesthetize myself, especially since the stakes were so high. Not only my life, but Marcus's, my family's, and Bella's, depended on me maintaining my calm. We needed this plan to go off without a hitch, or we might not ever get another chance. Caius could go free forever, and I would never be free.

But still, I found myself returning to Emmett's room more frequently. His supply was dwindling low and I wondered how I would cope once it was gone.

So the weeks went by and I maintained my façade of relative normalcy. This became especially difficult when Laurent arrived back at the Center. I had no idea what he'd been doing while he was away, but I was sure he'd been up to no good. It took every ounce of self-discipline I had left to look him in the eye and welcome him back without betraying my anger, my hatred. But I did it. Ironically, it was partially to the credit of my extensive training with VOLTOR that I was able to maintain my cool under such circumstances.

But it was difficult when the guests arrived—I was worried about their safety, of course, but I was also so preoccupied that I found it almost impossible to lead class, let alone practice yoga. The activity I had loved for so long was now a burden, and a lethal one, for if I relaxed too deeply and let my guard down, that might be the moment that Laurent, or Caius, or one of his other hit men, might choose to act.

Jasper noticed my odd behavior so I kept away from him; really, I stayed away from most people when I wasn't required to be in class. I hoped this didn't seem any more unusual than the periodic misanthropy I'd succumbed to before I met Bella. If anything, perhaps people assumed I was depressed and sulking because I missed her; that certainly was part of the truth.

I hated lying to Bella when she asked me what was going on. I made the mistake of calling her late on Friday night after I'd indulged a little too heavily. She was angry, accused me of drinking (which of course I had), but I became defensive. Finally, she'd said something that shocked me—she mentioned VOLTOR. My mind raced, trying to determine where she'd learned that term. Jasper—it had to have been him who'd told her. Of course he didn't know much about it, but he did know some things—the high level of secrecy that surrounded the organization, the classified specialized training we had to undergo (except, of course, for Jane's secret 'talents'). How much had he told her? I was furious, but I realized I couldn't even confront him about it without making it seem like a big deal and exposing us all. We were really and truly fucked.

Instead, I'd been harsh with Bella, telling her to never mention it again. She'd been even angrier with me, and of course I couldn't blame her. I was treating her like shit and she didn't know why. For all she knew, I was a certifiable asshole.

The next day I should have called her but I didn't; I didn't want to open that line of questioning again, and so I chose to avoid it altogether. I stayed in my room, ignoring Jasper's knocking when he came up that evening to see how I was.

Today my nerves were on edge. Every sound made me alert, suspicious. Sometime soon—today or tomorrow—Laurent would be arrested. Marcus would call or send word that the plan had worked…or that it hadn't. He hadn't given me the specifics about how it would go down since he didn't really know himself—it was all spur of the moment. I didn't even want to think about the possibility of failure. My future and all that I wanted depended on this moment. This day.

Before he'd left the night he visited, Marcus had given me a watch with a tracking device hidden within its face. It still felt strange on my wrist since I'd never worn one in my life. He had told me it was for any "eventuality" that might occur—which I interpreted in a much less euphemistic way. If shit went down, they'd at least be able to find my body.

Jasper was teaching the Sunday morning class when I went downstairs; I heard him playing his favorite Bengali pop music and smiled for the first time in what felt like weeks—yoga instructors weren't exactly known for good musical taste and Jasper's was cheesier than most. Suddenly, everything felt like it was going to be alright.

Breakfast was over and I didn't see Laurent around. Taking a cup of coffee and a couple of slices of bread from the kitchen, I walked outside to check out the garden, which was yielding its final bounty for the summer. Soon the plants would die and I'd have to tear them up and fertilize to get ready for spring planting. Thinking such ordinary thoughts came as a welcome relief and distraction, but at the same time they seemed self-indulgent. More than once I had wondered whether or not I'd live to see the spring, and it wasn't purely melodrama. Despite how nebulous it seemed, the threat was imminent, and it was real.

After a few minutes past nine Jasper came outside, still sweaty from his class. While I was known for my assists, Jasper preferred to practice along with the students.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey."

"So, good to see you out and about," he deadpanned.

"Yeah, well, I got hungry."

"You get in a fight with Bella?"

"No. Why would you say that?"

"I know it's none of my business, but I heard from Alice."

"I see." I wasn't exactly surprised, knowing how close they were.

"Bella really loves you, you know. She's worried about you. I mean, I don't know what's going on with you guys, but, yeah. What's the big deal anyway? You aren't mad at her for the Emmett thing still, right?"

"Fuck, of course not."

"Is she coming next weekend?"

"I don't know." That was the truth. Until I knew how the plan went down, there was no way I could make that kind of judgment.

"You really shouldn't fuck this up with Bella, Edward."

"Don't you think I know that?"

"I don't know…I mean, you were happy with her here, right? And then she left; man, you should've asked her to stay. She would've."

That wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear right now, even though it was also the only thing I wanted to hear.

"Thanks, but I don't wanna talk about this, Jasper."

"Fine. But anyway, we need to do something about getting a replacement for Laurent, immediately, unless you wanna cook.

"It's a good thing we only have three in house guests right now; I told them they could help themselves to whatever's in the kitchen. But we have a big week next week. We're gonna have to get someone."

"What are you talking about?" Alarm bells immediately sounded.

"Laurent took off this morning, man, I thought he told you?" Jasper's expression was puzzled.

"What?" Dread. I knew instantly that Laurent was gone.

"Yeah…he said he had to go back to L.A.. A family member is sick or something and it's an emergency. I guess that's where he was when we shut down. He doesn't know how long he'll be gone."

"When did he leave?"

"Early this morning." Jasper paused. "He didn't tell you?"

My mind was racing but I couldn't let Jasper know something was wrong. It was essential that I maintain my equilibrium. I found myself channeling the excess energy into a clenched fist that I held behind my body. In an instant I had to decide what to do—play along or not. I had no idea what the situation was, where Laurent had gone, if we were being watched, if Bella was safe, what this meant for Caius's arrest and the trial. All I knew was I had to speak to Marcus immediately. He had left me the number to his unlisted cell, to be used only in emergencies.

The phone. What if the Center's phone was bugged? What if the office was? My bedroom? I had no idea what Laurent might've heard at any point, and I didn't want to take any chances.

There was no time to waste.

"No. I mean, I'm sure he must've been in a hurry." I had to get to a pay phone in town immediately. It would take me too long to walk.

"Edward. You okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. Just got a lot on my mind, and now this…" I tried to be as nonchalant as possible but all I could think about was how I was going to get to a safe phone.

"Well, we'll figure it out. We have a few days anyway. Maybe I'll put an ad in the paper?"

I shook my head. "Sounds good."

"While we're at it, we might as well advertise for Emmett's position, I mean, it's just too much work for us Edward, especially with teaching. And I'll be going to New York once in a while on the weekends. You'll need the help."

I nodded. Help for the Center was, sadly, the last thing on my mind.

"Hey, are you ready for the hike?" Jasper glanced at me and I realized I was still wearing my pajama bottoms. I'd been so distracted I hadn't thought of changing when I woke up, completely forgetting that I was supposed to go with him on the Sunday morning hike.

"Uh. Not really. Hey. I need to call Bella; would you mind if I didn't come?"

Twenty minutes later I clasped Jasper's car keys in my hand, standing by the door and wiling myself to open it. I hadn't driven in three years—ever since I'd had a severe flashback and totalled my car. Since I really didn't need to drive much, it hadn't bothered me to depend on Jasper or Emmett. I was incredibly nervous, since if I crashed Jasper's car he'd probably kill me. And there was too much at stake. I fingered the note in my pocket a final time and climbed into the driver's seat. With any luck, Jasper and the guests would be gone for two hours and he'd never be the wiser.

My heart stuttered in my chest as I turned the key in the ignition. I had to do this. For Bella. Pressing my foot onto the gas pedal, the car slowly accelerated and I allowed myself to get used to the feel. I willed myself not to think of the accident years before…when suddenly I'd been back in Iraq…in the humvee…the explosion…Jake. I shook my head to clear these thoughts and stifle the panic that always lurked under the surface when I drove.

Laurent could be anywhere. He could be on a plane right now or still in the Center's backyard. Or in New York. And there was only one way I'd know for sure. The only thing I could do was hope the rest of the plan went off without a hitch, and that Caius was safely in custody, though I was starting to have some serious doubts.

The trees raced by and I glanced at the speedometer. 80 MPH. Shit. At this rate I'd be dead before I even spoke with Marcus. I willed myself to slow down, and settled at a respectable 60 miles an hour. Driving too fast had always been my downfall, and I'd had my share of speeding tickets before I'd left for Iraq. Carlisle had threatened to take away my driving privileges but he never had. Funny, when I returned from the war he got his wish.

I rolled down the window and allowed my mind to go blank; a surprisingly calm feeling washed over me. I was free. I could just keep driving. I could go to New York and get Bella and we could disappear, away from all this bullshit, trial be dammed.

Soon, I reached civilization and these fantasies dissipated; we could never be free while VOLTOR was still a threat.

There were a few pay phones that were located in our town and one was particularly discreet. Pulling the car to the curb, I thanked God that, while in most places in the country such things were obsolete, they were still deemed useful here.

Glancing around quickly, I tried not to make a show as I walked quickly to the phone and dialed the number on the paper I clutched like a lifeline.

Marcus answered after one ring.

"Marcus. Laurent is gone."

"That's what I feared." He paused. I couldn't believe Laurent had slipped away without anyone knowing. It was laughable how easily he'd disappeared. The plan, which a few weeks ago had seemed ironclad, now seemed naïve and full of holes.

"Edward. Listen to me. I don't have time to talk right now but things have gone seriously awry."

"What happened?" I fucking knew it. I knew it was too good to fucking be true.

"Edward, Caius was not on the plane. We've arrested Demetri, Alec and Jane but as of now we're considering Caius AWOL. I'm making plans to fly to Afghanistan with a squadron that's being dispatched to find him. We'd hoped we could end this relatively peacefully but that doesn't look possible at this point.

"You need to keep yourself out of sight. It's very possible that they might be sending someone for you."

"Where the fuck am I supposed to go?"

"Things are happening very quickly. I never thought through this eventuality and we've had to improvise a contingency plan. I'll be sending someone to take you to a safe house, but that isn't likely to happen for a couple of days. I would suggest you find a secure place away from the Center. Your family home, is that a possibility?" I immediately thought of Carlisle and Esme. What would they think if I showed up at their doorstep and asked to stay? What would Jasper say if I left? What about our guests? Bella? The whole thing made my head spin. I felt like such a fool to have trusted the government again, after all the shit I'd been through.

"Perhaps."

"Then go there. Edward, in a couple of days Sergeant Benjamin Lourde will be coming to take you to the undisclosed location. He'll have further information.

"Marcus, I can't endanger my family."

"If you choose to stay at the Center your risk your own life."

"Well, then so be it."

He sighed heavily on the end of the line.

"Edward, have you forgotten how central your role is in this entire operation? You need to maintain your safety."

"All I am to you is walking testimony, Marcus. I don't like it. I've been following your lead but I'm doing this my way. You can send your Sergeant to me at the Center, and I'll go, but I'm not going to Carlisle and Esme's."

"What about endangering your friend and your guests at the Center?"

Shit, he had a point.

"A hotel then."

"Fine," he said, resignedly. "Anyhow, your watch will indicate your whereabouts to Sergeant Lourde. Just make sure you keep it on at all times."

"Right." I almost scoffed.

But then I thought of Bella. She couldn't possibly come for her birthday now. I could never let her come here. But how could I keep her away?

"Edward….I have to go. We're leaving tomorrow at 0800. Stay safe and good luck."

I didn't like the tone of his voice. He sounded like a man who'd already admitted defeat. My anger with him dissipated—this was a man who was going into enemy territory to find and defeat one of the most dangerous and unpredictable men in the U.S. armed forces.

"You too, Marcus. Good luck."

There was a click and I realized he'd hung up. My heart was hammering in my chest as I thought about what to do.

We were fucked. This was fucked. I'd have to go back to the Center for now and get things in order before I left. I glanced at my watch and saw that it was already close to noon. Jasper would be returning soon with the guests.

But what I really wanted was a drink. I could allow myself this one little indulgence when the rest of my world was falling the fuck apart, couldn't I?

Without thinking too much more about it, I stopped into the liquor store and bought a fifth of Jack Daniels. My old friend Jack, I thought bitterly as I made my way back to the car.

The drive back was over quickly. I was speeding again, this time not caring if I was pulled over or not. I'd probably be better off in jail, anyway. It occurred to me that I should just keep on driving and not look back, but that was probably a foolish idea considering I was completely unprepared and I was driving Jasper's car. I had to come up with a reason for leaving and closing the Center that didn't sound overly suspicious, and that was going to take some consideration. I wondered if it was even possible. Shit. What the hell would I tell him?

What would I tell Bella? It was her birthday in a few days and she planned on coming here. I shook my head at my foolishness—how could I have imagined everything would turn out all right? Nothing in my life did. For the past few weeks I'd been living in denial.

She wouldn't understand. In my gut I knew what I'd have to do to make her, though the thought knotted my insides.

The hopeful voice that had been getting increasingly louder and more insistent in the time I'd known Bella was now silent. I had to face the facts: and the truth was I deserved this.

Had I forgotten I was a murderer? That I had done Caius's bidding without a second thought? Did I think just putting this man behind bars would absolve me?

"NO," fate seemed to be screaming at me—No.

It was fitting, really, that once I had broken my vow of _brahmacharya_, that my past would once again resurface and keep me from the woman I loved.

I pulled back into the Center's lot and glanced around. They must still be on their hike, else Jasper would've been out here, or the police would've been.

Grabbing the brown bag from the seat, I hurriedly made my way to my room and shut the door. What the fuck was I going to pack? Where would I go?

I sat down on the bed and considered my options. I had no car, and even though I'd driven today without incident despite the stress I was under, there was no guarantee I'd be capable of going long distances. Also, this sergeant would be coming, apparently, within the next few days so I shouldn't go too far away.

And then there was Bella. I hadn't given her my Sunday morning phone call and I knew she was probably waiting for me. But what the hell would I say to her? How could I break her heart? And mine. Now that I'd found her, what would I be without her? Would it even matter?

My head started to hurt and I was overwhelmed by the inanity and horror of it all. This couldn't have gotten any stranger even if Kafka had written it.

And I was tired. So fucking tired.

If I could just rest for a minute, maybe things would make sense. If I could just rest my eyes.

I woke up with a jolt. Jasper was knocking on my door. Quickly, I hid the unopened bottle under my bed and glanced at the watch—my leash. It was already evening.

I opened the door.

"Edward. I've been looking for your everywhere. Man, I need a break. I've been running around all day and I need to take a shower." He looked irritated. I was still groggy and all of a sudden everything came flooding back to me, flooring me again.

"Well do it, then, I'm sure the guests will be fine on their own."

"But what about dinner? We have to provide it as part of their stay."

"Yes, I know that, but I don't fucking care Jasper. Let them make their own damn dinner for once."

"What the fuck happened to you? Edward. You don't look good. Did you have another fight with Bella?"

"I'm not having this conversation with you. I'm just not."

"Fine. But this is your fucking business—I thought you loved this place. And it's going to hell. We have no manager, no cook, and I'm the only one who seems to give a damn anymore.

"I've been working my ass off but I can't do it anymore. You need to hire another instructor if you're not teaching. You need to hire someone. Because even though you're my friend, at this rate I'm close to quitting."

"Then do it," I said quietly.

"What are you talking about?"

"Quit. It's okay." Maybe things would be easier than I thought.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm thinking of closing the Center."

He looked at me, stunned. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Just what I said."

"And what will you do? Sell it? Since when?"

"I've been thinking about it for a while," I lied stoically.

"And you didn't tell me? Great. You're just like Emmett. Does keeping secrets run in your family or something?"

I laughed mirthlessly. "Perhaps."

"Edward, you're clearly not making any sense. Come and talk to me when you can have a fucking conversation in more than one word sentences."

He stalked away and I stood by the door watching him go.

A couple of hours later I was ready. I hadn't decided to take much—besides some clothes I'd packed my photo of Jake, a couple of books. A shirt that Bella had left behind that still smelled like her. I had no idea where I was going or how the fuck I would get there.

I went downstairs to find Jasper. He was on the phone with someone…Bella.

"_Bella, Edward's been acting really weird today. I'm just warning you." _I heard him through the door and almost smiled. He didn't know the half of it. He paused. _"I don't know. He won't tell me." _

I pushed open the door, my stomach sick and twisting.

"Oh. I think he's coming. Hold on."

Jasper stood holding the phone, one hand muffling the receiver. "It's Bella," he said. I nodded. "You didn't talk to her today?"

"Not yet."

"I thought you said you'd stayed behind to call her?" He was angry now.

"I tried. Just give me the phone, Jazz," I said, motioning him out of the room.

"Bella?" I was so eager to hear her voice. Everything else melted away. I forgot what I had to do, everything. Only the sound of her voice.

But she was angry with me, as she had every right to be.

"Hi," she said. I could hear her irritation but she still sounded beautiful. I imagined her cute little frown, the crease of lines between eyebrows that I longed to smooth with the pad of my finger. "I was waiting for you. You were supposed to call. What's going on?"

"Yeah, I…got held up." That was sort of the truth. Also, Bella, I've been dreading this call all day. More than anything else in my life.

"Really? Interesting. 'Cause it seems like you have a ton of free time on your hands."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked a little more brusquely than perhaps I should have—again I had no idea what Jasper had told her and his insider information was starting to piss me off.

"Nothing."

"You obviously mean something by it."

"Well, I asked Jasper and he told me you haven't really been doing much around the Center, is all."

"Jasper has no idea what I've been doing." Again, it was the truth.

"Well, neither do I, Edward! You won't tell me anything!"

"Bella. Now's not a good time. Can I call you back tomorrow?" I asked, foolishly hoping to prolong the inevitable. I knew where this conversation was going, had to go, but I no longer felt up to the task. How could I do it?

"No! I want to talk about this now! It's my birthday this coming weekend, in case you forgot, and I thought I was supposed to be coming to visit, and every time I bring it up you ignore me or change the subject, and I'm starting to think you don't want me to come!" Her voice was teary and I wanted to crawl in a hole and fucking die. But she couldn't go where I was going. I had to make her believe I didn't want her here, even if it killed me in the process.

"You can't come, Bella." The words were sour, like poison.

"What are you saying, Edward? I'm coming."

"Not this weekend." I knew I shouldn't keep dragging it out but I couldn't help myself. I wanted to think that we would see each other soon, that it would be alright, despite all of the evidence to the contrary.

"I'm coming Edward. You wanted me to! That day after the wedding? We were planning on it! What's changed in four weeks?" Her voice was stressed, panicked. In my mind I held her and told her I loved her. Nothing had changed. I loved her more than I ever had. My time with her was the only thing that held meaning in my life.

But my mouth spoke bitter untruths.

"I don't want you to come."

* * *

_24 hours later_

The knocking wouldn't stop and the voices got louder. It was dark and I held something hard and cold in my hand. Glass? Ah yes. I brought it to my lips again. It was empty.

Was I supposed to be somewhere? Go someplace? Yes. The answers to these questions were just beyond my reach. I couldn't think hard enough, and I could barley move.

Suddenly I had the overwhelming urge to vomit and I turned my head just as a wash of liquid erupted from my mouth, burning my throat. Now there were other sounds. They got louder and I wanted them to stop. Creaking and groaning. My head was spinning.

And then light flooded the dark room. I squinted and turned my head away.

"Edward," someone said. I strained to open my eyes but the light was too bright and my eyelids felt so heavy. I would just sleep a little longer.

"Dammit, I didn't think he'd do this again. He's come so far. I should've seen the warning signs." I recognized the voice as Carlisle's.

"It's not your fault; no one could've known." Jasper.

"Well, let's get him up and out of here. Give me a hand?" It was a voice I didn't know.

There was movement and I felt my body being shifted. Finally I was able to open my eyes. Carlisle and Jasper were in the room with a tall man I'd never seen before. Carlisle was bent down over me, prying the bottle from my hand. He touched my face and I couldn't bring myself to care. There were tears in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry, son. Let's get you home."

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**A/N. Thank you so much for the amazing response to the last chapter. I'm truly touched. Seriously. Thank you for continuing to read and review.  
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**So, in appreciation, I'm planning on writing a "reader's choice" outtake once I reach 1K reviews (as that number seems to be the gatekeeper to fanfiction legitimacy)…so please review and let me know what you'd like to see in an outtake—I'm up for any suggestions!**


	28. Compass

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight; I own the words below.**

**A/N: I think it's time for a little pep talk. Trust me. I promise not to drag out the angst, but the story also needs to progress at its natural speed. Just hang in there! **

**Thanks to my awesome beta DiamondHeart78 for helping me get this chapter out so quickly!**

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**Chapter 28: Compass**

EPOV

My head hurt. I groaned, shifting and feeling sheets and dblankets around me. I tried to remember where I was and what had happened. The throbbing in my head was making it hard to think and my throat felt scratchy and raw. Even opening my eyes was painful.

Focusing on the surroundings was difficult, and what I saw surprised me and left me momentarily confused. I had passed out, I now remembered, on Emmett's floor in the Center and now I was in the twin-sized bed of the room that he and I had shared growing up. The walls were still adorned with the obligatory rock star and scantily clad female posters that seemed perquisite for all teenaged boys. Led Zeppelin. The Beatles. Giselle—one of my brother's personal favorites. If I could have done it without vomiting, I would have laughed. Why hadn't Esme redecorated? Emmett's dresser was still covered with his football trophies. My old guitar case sat propped up in the corner. It was as if she was expecting us to return and resume our lives in this house at any moment. Obviously this wasn't going to happen, but it was comforting all the same.

How the hell did I get here? The memories started to return in fragments—a phone call…a bottle. Noises and light. And then Carlisle and Jasper. They must have brought me here. But there was something else…the man I didn't recognize. He wasn't a guest at the Center—my first thought, and an unwelcome one, was that he was the shrink that Carlisle had made me an appointment with. I'd never gone, but Carlisle didn't give up so easily. Another idea occurred to me…perhaps it was this sergeant Marcus told me was coming? If that was the case, how had he explained my presence to my father?

From the faint light streaming through the window I gathered it was late afternoon. I must've slept almost an entire day. Then I remembered my watch and a glance at it confirmed I was right; it was 5:30. I licked my dry lips and started fantasizing about ice water. And food. But more than anything I had to figure out what was going on and get a move on before my presence here caused any more problems for my family. I stood up on shaky legs and glanced around the room. Looking down, I noticed I was still wearing my clothes from the night before and thanked god my parents hadn't decided to undress me. It was shameful enough I'd been found in the predicament I had-again-by my father, but that additional humiliation would've been too much.

_Bella._

The memory of our conversation came back to me in a flash and I nearly lost my already precarious balance.

She hated me.

I had told her being intimate with her was a mistake, knowing it was the only thing she'd believe. I knew how much it would've devastated her, but I said it anyway.

But what was the alternative?

If my hangover didn't make me feel sick, thoughts of hurting Bella certainly did. I felt hopeless. And feeling hopeless made me feel even more like shit—what kind of man was I if I couldn't handle this? I was weak and mad at myself for being so, and the hangover—the most epic of my life—wasn't exactly helping the situation. I'd really fucked it up this time. Damn, I needed another drink.

I opened my bedroom door and made my way downstairs, holding onto the railing for support.

Voices drifted up to meet me from the living room. Carlisle. Esme. And another vaguely familiar voice I couldn't put my finger on.

When I entered I saw my parents sitting and talking with the man from the Center. All three of them stood up and I immediately noticed the stranger's clothing was immaculately pressed and, what's more, he was wearing his uniform. I was sure he'd been wearing civvies the night before but, yes, this confirmed he was the sergeant. And he was talking with Esme and Carlisle.

Nothing made sense—Marcus had told me to keep everything a secret, that the success of the trial depended on my silence and, more importantly, the lives of my family did as well. Now circumstances were threatening to overturn all that, and the thought made me furious. If I hadn't been so stupid, this wouldn't have happened.

"What the fuck is going on?" The words left my mouth before I could filter them.

"Edward." Esme was standing next to Carlisle and I noticed the tears brimming her eyes. Carlisle put his arm around her and drew her closer.

"Son," he began, "I'm glad to see you're alright."

"I'm far from fucking alright," I muttered under my breath as Sergeant Lourde stepped forward with his hand outstretched.

"Private Cullen. I'm Sergeant Benjamin Lourde, U.S. Army. You gave us quite a scare there last night, soldier. You've been expecting me." I looked at his proffered hand and ignored it.

"I'm not a soldier anymore."

"Once a soldier, always a soldier—that's how I see it."

"I don't."

He quickly retracted his hand and reached into his pocket, drawing out a leather wallet, which he then proceeded to open and hold out to me. It was his military ID. I glanced at it skeptically and shrugged. Those things could be easily faked, but he didn't seem to be a fraud. Of course, I wasn't exactly the best judge of character, apparently, since I'd been so easily deceived by Laurent. Besides, if he was here to kill me, he probably would've done it already.

"Just figured you'd want some confirmation about my identity. You've a right to be suspicious given the circumstances."

I nodded and glanced at my parents, standing just a few feet away from me. Carlisle was looking at me intently and my mother was still trembling, her arms wrapped around her torso. I could tell she wanted to come and hug me and was restraining herself.

Sighing and no longer able to bear standing given my pounding headache, I sat on the couch. Lourde followed suit, taking a seat in the recliner across from me. He was young, probably not more than 35, and he looked a bit uncomfortable in the silence that settled over the room. Since I had no way of knowing what Carlisle and Esme knew, I didn't want to be the first one to speak.

Sensing my hesitance, Lourde asked my parents if he could have a word with me alone and they complied. Esme reached out and stroked my hair as she passed but I couldn't look at her.

"I've had a long talk with Mr. and Mrs. Cullen, Edward. May I call you Edward?" He didn't pause long enough to give me a chance to voice my dissent, but of course I didn't care. What was funny to me was how polite and official he was being. I clearly looked like hell and I was pretty sure that the man had helped my father load me, unconscious, into a car and, more than likely, had also put me to bed.

"I didn't give them all of the details of what happened to you in Iraq to make you such a vital part of our operation, but they know some basics now about the court-martial and that you're in danger as long as the suspect is AWOL."

"I thought all of this was supposed to be secret. Why the hell is it okay to tell them now?" I leaned forward and Lourde met my hard gaze with a measured smile. "If you've endangered my family by coming here…"

"Please," he said, holding up his hand, "a lot happened since you last spoke with Marcus two days ago; of course you're right to be confused and suspicious. If you give me a chance I'll explain everything."

"This'll be good, I'm sure," I said, my hangover making me sarcastic.

"When you spoke to Marcus, he told you he was leaving the country for Afghanistan, correct?" I nodded. "About three hours after your conversation we apprehended Lawrence Damien…you know him of course as Laurent, your head chef…as he was about to board a private plane he'd chartered in Miami."

"He was going to meet Caius?"

"Actually, no. He'd hired the plane to take him to Buenos Aires. It seems Lawrence wasn't quite the lackey we took him for, originally. He cooperated quite willingly with law enforcement, of course, in exchange for a plea bargain."

"I don't understand." My head leadenly tried to comprehend what Lourde was telling me. So Laurent was talking? He wasn't working for Caius anymore?

"It seems that Laurent had been growing…disenchanted…with Caius for some time. He met Caius while he was working as a contractor for Blackwater. Once he had begun to suspect disloyalty…a rat…within the organization, Caius sent Laurent to keep an eye on you and to, eventually, kill you."

This much I already knew but it was still alarming to hear that a man I'd hired and lived with for six months had designs on my life.

"He'd been receiving substantial payments for his 'services' and funneling them into an offshore account—a sort of emergency fund, if you will.

"Once he murdered you and disposed of your body, he was to receive a payment of two million dollars."

"Holy fuck." So that's how much my life was worth.

"The most important part of the plan was he was to make it look like you'd run off, disappeared, so no one would suspect foul play. Caius didn't want any suspicions to lead back to him. With your history of PTSD, he figured your friends and family wouldn't be at all surprised."

I laughed. He was probably right—they did think I was crazy, after all.

"But then, things started going wrong. Caius discovered Felix was the rat and had him killed. He assumed, correctly, that a sting operation was planned for his trip to Geneva and sent the rest of VOLTOR in his place…."

"And they've been arrested."

"Yes. And they're being held in Switzerland until we can get them extradited."

"So what about Laurent? Why was he going to South America?"

"Let me finish. Lawrence had installed wire taps throughout your business…your office…your phone. When you met with Marcus—"

"—He heard everything."

"Right. He knew you had pictures connecting him with Caius and VOLTOR, and he knew that, even if he killed you, the government would still have plenty of information to try and convict him, if not Caius. So, when he got the call from the General telling him to carry out his mission…he decided to cut his losses and flee."

"He never told Caius about Marcus?"

"Nope."

"But what about the money? The two million?"

"The plan that Caius outlined was this—Lawrence was to kill you, make it look like you'd disappeared, and then fly to meet him just across the border in Pakistan. He wired half of the money to Lawrence, and planned to give him the other million once they met up, in order to ensure his loyalty.

"The last Caius heard from Lawrence, you'd been killed and Lawrence…Laurent…was on his way to meet him. But of course we now know this isn't the case.

"It's smart on Lawrence's part, you have to admit" Lourde concluded. "He was about to vanish with a combined total of 2.3 million dollars—and Caius wouldn't have found out he'd been betrayed until Lawrence was sipping margaritas on Morena Beach. He never planned to return to the states. And we got 'em, that fucker." He slapped his knee and sat back in his chair, a huge smile on his face as if he'd just unveiled the secret to world peace.

Another twisted mind fuck…I couldn't believe it. This just got better and better.

"So, wait. What makes you trust Laurent's telling the truth?" There was no way to know if he just wasn't pulling out all the stops to save his own ass.

Lourde considered my question. "Well. For one thing, we've offered him a pretty sweet deal…10-15 years when he was looking at life. And this, of course, is contingent on catching Caius. He's provided some pretty invaluable information about Caius's whereabouts…we may never have found Caius."

I didn't want to point out that they still hadn't found Caius yet. I'd hoped and been burned before, so I wasn't about to allow myself to feel victorious yet.

"So where does this leave me? What about my family? Are they in danger? My girlf…Bella Swan?" Lourde seemed to know everything else about me, he probably knew about Bella too.

"Edward. Caius believes you're dead and has no reason to think otherwise. As long as he does, you have no reason to fear for your family or for Ms. Swan, or anyone else you're close to, for that matter.

"Even when…" his emphasis betrayed his awareness my skepticism, "_when _we take Caius into custody, he has no reason to believe that Laurent was working against him. And we're going to keep it that way until the trial."

"I'm sorry…maybe I'm just a little slow today, but won't Caius know, _if_ he's captured, that Laurent gave him up?"

He paused a minute, as if considering whether to divulge further information. "Well, as part of his deal, Lawrence is going on the mission to Pakistan, escorted, of course, by a heavily armed guard. Once he arrives and meets with Caius, he'll be arrested along with the General and it will appear as though he's been tracked. Caius will never be the wiser."

I shook my head. This entire plan hinged on the participation of a man who'd been hired to kill me, and who the government now, seemingly without reservation, trusted to do their bidding.

"What makes you think he won't bolt with Caius?"

"We're taking every precaution. Let's just say that we have a…highly classified…method for ensuring he follows through. His life depends on it."

I grimaced, not even wanting to know.

But if Caius believed I'd been murdered…my family would be safe. Bella would be safe.

Suddenly, it occurred to me. If Caius thought I was dead, would Bella? NO. It couldn't be. I wouldn't make her suffer like that. I imagined what I'd feel like if I thought Bella was…no.

"I won't do it. I can't pretend to be dead…it would kill her." As I uttered the words I wondered if they were true—not that I wanted them to be. Perhaps she wouldn't care. I'd broken her heart.

He saw what I was getting at. "You misunderstand, Edward. Lawrence was to dispose of your body and make it look as if you'd intentionally disappeared. As long as you stay out of sight, Caius won't suspect you're still alive."

He told me the complete details of the plan—how Laurent was to force me, at gunpoint, to write a note to my family. Since some people might ask questions, Lourde thought it would be a good idea for me to write such a letter now. Of course Esme, Carlisle, and, I was surprised to know, Jasper, knew the truth, but to everyone else…I'd be gone…with no intent of returning.

Jasper would "find" the letter, would close the Center and cancel all of the guest reservations. And I…I would just float in the ether…here, or, if I wished, in a safe house run by the U.S. government.

Bella would think I'd run off without another fucking word. But wasn't that how it had to be? This didn't change anything. But now there was no way I could contact her, even if I wanted to. I no longer had the option. I wanted another drink. Bad.

I sat numbly on the couch and wasn't even aware when Esme and Carlisle came back into the room. Esme sat next to me and put her hand on my shoulder, jolting me out of my reverie. She had a glass of water in her hand and I took it gladly, drinking greedily as I took in the scene before me. Carlisle stood with his hands in his pockets and he shuffled nervously from side to side. Lourde had stood up and was speaking with him. I didn't know what they were talking about, but I assumed it had something to do with this fucked up situation.

"Edward," Esme spoke softly; I turned to look at her. There were lines around her eyes that I hadn't seen before and I wondered if I'd put them there.

"All this time…you didn't…I don't know what to say." She paused, struggling with her words. "I could say you should've come to talk to us, but from what Sergeant Lourde has told us…you were afraid for our safety…I can only imagine what it must have been like for you.

"I'm so sorry. You've had to deal with so much. I can't imagine…I just want to say….we love you. Whatever you decide, we'll support you. But your father and I would like you to think about staying here.

"You and Carlisle haven't gotten along…recently...but he's trying, Edward. He really is. Please, give him a chance. Let us take care of you."

I had no idea how to respond to my mother sitting next to me and asking me to stay with her and the father I'd been estranged from for five years. I felt like complete shit, and now I had to fake my own disappearance.

Bella. What the hell was the use of all of this without her in my life?

No, I had to stop thinking about her. It was the only way to stay sane. But I couldn't help it.

"Do you want to go with Sergeant Lourde?"

I didn't really. And I didn't want to stay here either, but honestly, what else was I going to do? I had to make a choice. It was either go to an undisclosed location with Lourde or live with my parents.

"I need some time to think," I confessed. "I really don't know what the hell's going on right now, to be honest."

"Okay," she said, patting my knee. "I think he's leaving in the morning, though, so you'll have to make your decision soon. You must be hungry. I have roasted turkey for sandwiches, your favorite…"

"Mom, I'm a vegetarian."

She shook her head and laughed. "Of course you are. You know me, getting old, I forget. Let me see. I think we have some hummus? Would you like a sandwich?"

Yes I would. How about three? I nodded. "And a drink. A stiff one."

Esme looked at me disapprovingly and shook her head. "Edward, please. Don't do this to us, to yourself."

"What does it matter?"

"It matters. You matter. What about Bella?" I nearly cringed at her words.

"We broke up."

"But why?" Her face was aghast. "You love her."

I nodded, but it was irritating to have to explain to someone else when I could barely explain it to myself. "Don't you see? I was trying to keep her safe. And now, now, I don't know. What, I have to be in hiding for God knows how long and she can't know the truth. She has to believe that I'm gone, that I'm not coming back, or else her life will be in danger. That isn't exactly grounds for a relationship.

"And anyway, it's over. I told her it was a mistake."

"Oh Edward," Esme looked at me sadly. "Isn't there any hope? After all this is over, you could explain to her. She would understand."

"I doubt it." I said, sighing deeply and running my hand through my hair. "I broke her heart."

"That girl loves you. I saw it the night of the wedding—that kind of love can't be faked, and it's not easily destroyed. She'll forgive you."

I wanted to believe her, but I just couldn't.

* * *

BPOV

Cold. It was surprisingly cold and cloudy outside, unseasonable for early September, and I hadn't dressed properly for it. I shivered, wrapping my jean coat more tightly around my thin cotton t-shirt as I walked down Astoria Boulevard towards the train. I couldn't believe I was actually awake and walking. That life was continuing around me. That people were buying coffee and reading newspapers, walking their dogs, making plans for the evening.

I had called in sick to work but I couldn't stay in my apartment anymore. I couldn't sit in that room thinking about last night. And him.

So I walked. I walked to the train and I got on it, and I didn't even know where I was going, until I did.

I rode the local to Union Square and got off.

I walked to the Strand and returned the book I'd bought him. I'd been carrying it around in my bag, just to make sure I didn't forget it when I went to the Center for my birthday.

My fucking birthday. It was four days away and was sure to be the worst yet.

I walked down to 8th street, sat in a park, and watched the NYU students in their groups of threes and fours hurrying to class.

The wind blew more coldly and it had started to rain but I didn't care. The street vendors had begun selling my favorite roasted chestnuts and I didn't care. Their smell nauseated me.

The wind picked up and I still sat there. On a stupid bench in the rain. My mind…what was I thinking of? I couldn't think. I wouldn't let myself. It would start to drift and I'd focus on something…a leaf. A squirrel. A woman, hurrying along with a brightly colored umbrella. The smell of exhaust and New York.

I couldn't let myself think of him, because if I did, I'd break.

This wasn't like Mike. During that breakup, I'd given into the melodrama, almost reveled in the self-indulgent grief that I'd thought I was feeling. It was a perverse and masochistic pleasure and I'd let myself mope, feel, and cry. I'd stayed in bed and refused visitors. I'd ordered Chinese food and ripped up pictures of us. But, once I'd gotten perspective, I realized that those were only displays of grief, not the real thing. I'd never known pain until now.

I couldn't breath. Every exhale felt forced out of my chest and I couldn't inhale fully.

I clutched my coat more tightly around my body but the fabric was already soaked through, chilling my already icy skin. Alice was at work. Rose was at work. And I couldn't bear to talk to either of them. I wasn't ready for the "he's such an asshole" speech. Not yet. Not ever.

Lonely. I was so fucking lonely in this huge city. I'd been here for more than four years and I only had a couple friends. People thought I was so lucky to live in the best city in America, but at that moment I would've given anything to be home in Forks. Eating with Charlie at the diner. Walking on La Push's rocky beach.

No. That's not where I wanted to be. I craved another forest, a similar, but subtlety different green.

_Edward._

I wrapped my arms around myself but they did nothing in the chill of the rain. I willed myself to stand up and go home but I couldn't face my apartment.

_Edward. _I stifled a sob. After we'd hung up I'd cried for I didn't know how long, but I hadn't cried since. For a while it felt like my tears had dried up. But now I sat on this bench in this random park in New York and hot tears pricked my eyes again at the thought of his name. I willed the tears back but my throat burned and my chest heaved. I couldn't breathe.

"Excuse me, miss, are you alright?" A short grey-haired man with a British accent was walking his cairn terrier. For a second I didn't realize he was speaking to me. I gazed up at him from the bench and understood, from the look of concern on his face, what a sight I must be. His wool blazer bore the NYU insignia, and I figured he was probably an emeritus. The cold was seeping into my bones and I shuddered.

"Yeah," I said, standing up and gathering my things. "I'm fine. Thanks."

"Whoever he or she is…. it's not worth it," he said, giving me a small smile.

I couldn't answer him. I just shook my head, standing there mutely. My teeth were chattering. The dog was cute; it looked at me quizzically.

He glanced around as if he were looking for someone, then walked to the curb and stuck out his hand. He was hailing a cab. I turned to go.

"Miss. Please," he called after me just as a yellow cab pulled to the curb. "It's much too cold to be walking dressed as you are. Do allow me."

"I'm sorry. I don't have any cash."

"Nonsense," he chuckled, pausing to adjust his umbrella to fish in his pocket. He leaned into the cab to say something to the driver and then beckoned to me with his hand. It wasn't like me at all, but in this moment I let myself be ushered into the waiting car.

"He'll take you anywhere you'd like to go. Please, go someplace warm and take care of yourself."

"Why are you doing this?"

"You remind me of my granddaughter," he confessed. Smiling warmly, he shut the door before I could say 'thank you.' His kindness touched me and my tears began falling in hot wet drops. I couldn't hold them back anymore.

"Where to?" the driver asked, looking at me in his rearview.

Wiping my face ineffectually with the back of my hand, I could think of only one place.

"Brooklyn."

* * *

Thirty minutes later the cab pulled up to the brownstone Seth was sharing with three other students. It was raining harder and I was tired. Tired. I'd cried myself out of tears once again. I had no idea if Seth was even home since I hadn't bothered to call—I left my cell phone back at my apartment, not wanting to bring it lest I was tempted to call Edward. I was pretty sure he didn't have class on Mondays though.

I knocked on the door and heard shuffling and shouting. Finally, a pretty red-haired girl, wet from the shower, opened the door wrapped in a huge green towel. She squealed when the cold air hit her. This must be Victoria. Seth had told me about her, and was right—she certainly wasn't the modest type.

"Can I help you?" She asked, looking me up and down and smiling.

"Yeah, uh, is Seth here?"

"He is," she said, her eyes narrowing. "And you are?"

"Bella Swan. I'm a friend of his."

A little frown creased her brow, but she opened the door further to let me in. Tossing her wet hair over her shoulder she motioned down the hall. "His room's the second door on the left."

"Thanks."

I could feel Victoria's eyes boring holes into the back of my skull as I walked down the hall. Seems someone had a little crush on Seth Clearwater.

I stood awkwardly outside of his closed door for a minute, but when I turned my head and saw Victoria still staring at me, I quickly knocked. The door opened and Seth appeared, his eyes wide as he took me in.

"Bella! Wow, what a surprise. I…uh…I didn't know you were coming."

"I know. I'm sorry. I just didn't know where else to go." I shuddered again; my jacket was still wet from the rain, and it was cold.

"Jeez. Bella, what happened?" He asked, rubbing my arm and gesturing for me to come inside. "God, you're freezing."

His room was a bit on the messy side, like any college boy's, and he seemed a bit nervous as he cleared papers and books off of the bed to give me a place to sit. I put my bag on the floor and sat down on the edge, clasping my hands together between my knees.

Seth stood a couple feet away, clearly at a loss. We weren't exactly best friends and I was beginning to feel a little silly for coming here.

"Here," he said, turning around and rummaging through his drawer. After a quick search he pulled out a grey hooded sweatshirt and handed it to me. "Put this on. I'll give you a second."

Once he'd gone I quickly divested myself of my soaked jacket and top and eagerly pulled on the hoodie. A minute later, Seth knocked and I gave him the okay to come back in.

"So," he said, taking at his desk chair. "You wanna tell me what's going on?"

"Um…I…Edward and I broke up." I blurted, looking down at the ground. I felt like such a pathetic fool.

"I can't believe it." His voice was full of disbelief. I looked at him and nodded.

"It's true," I whispered. There was a moment of silence.

"Are you okay?"

"Um. No. Not really."

"You can talk to me, if you want."

Perhaps it was because I didn't really know him well, perhaps it was because he was close to Edward, perhaps it was because I knew he was a nice guy and wouldn't judge me…I don't really know what the reason was, but I told Seth the whole story.

Not the whole story. But most of it.

I just talked and talked—and I felt numb. Seth listened and nodded and when I was finished he looked at me intently.

His question surprised me. "Did you believe him?"

"What? That it was a mistake?" He nodded.

"Yes. Why? Why wouldn't I?" I hated the tiny burst of hope that flamed in my chest.

"I don't know, it just occurred to me. It seems so out of keeping with the rest of your story, you know?"

"Don't try to make me feel better, please."

"I'm not," he maintained. "I'm sorry. It's just so weird. I don't know how to explain it. I mean, Edward and I haven't exactly been on the best of terms in recent years, but it just doesn't sound like him to do something like that without a good reason."

"I don't know," I sighed, shaking my head. "The last month has been pretty rocky. I could tell he was pulling away from me." I paused. "Seth, does it matter what the reason is? He told me he didn't want me anymore. How can I argue with that?"

He didn't answer. It's true, Edward's turn-around was strangely abrupt and, from what I knew of him, out of character. Once Edward loved, he loved fiercely and permanently. That only meant one thing: he hadn't ever loved me.

I saw what Seth was doing but I refused to let myself be drawn in to rationalizing and hoping…once I went down that path I'd be devastated all over again when reality came crashing down. Though it hurt bitterly, I couldn't allow myself to hope that there was another reason to account for Edward's change of heart.

But that's the funny thing about hope. Once it's planted, it grows like a weed and it's almost impossible to eradicate completely.

* * *

**A/N: Reviews make me write faster…it's true! Please review and let me know what you think. Thanks for your continued support of TCS…and remember about that outtake. What would you like to see?**

**Also, I've begun an author blog. Go check it out: **http:/magnolia822(dot)blogspot(dot)com/** (remove the dots and replace with periods)**

**I'll be posting pics, teasers, and updates about new projects. Speaking of new projects, I have a couple in the works—one will be a short story, and one a longer fic. I'll keep you updated, but if you like TCS you might consider adding me to your author alerts. **

**Until next time, M. **


	29. Triangle

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight, lucky fitch. **

**A/N: I let my beta off the hook this week, so any errors are all mine…forgive me!**

**A few recs:**

_**Forsaken In My Mind's Past**_** by WickedCurveBall74. It's a shame this story doesn't have more reviews. Please go read and tell her Magnolia sent you. **

_**Something Made Different**_** by MonGee. A new author, a new story—and it's gonna be good. Sexy mysterious Edward—yummy. **

**Dead On My Feet by Cesca Marie. Why hadn't I read this one before? I have no idea because I LOVE IT! Yes, it is angsty, but it is so so so good. **

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 29: Triangle **

EPOV

I stayed.

As uncomfortable as living in my parent's house made me, the thought of going to an undisclosed location wasn't appealing either. And there was another reason; if I was being honest with myself I craved familiar surroundings to provide an anchor for the otherwise unmoored wreck of my life.

Sergeant Lourde left early in the morning, telling us he'd be in touch as soon as he knew the status of Marcus…and Laurent's…mission. He maintained his optimistic outlook, but I sensed he was less confident than he let on. I didn't attempt to disguise my skepticism at all.

September 13th came and went and I imagined what Bella and I would have done on her birthday if things had gone differently. There was an apple orchard not even half a mile away from the Center that had hayrides in the fall and sold homemade cider donuts. Bella loved sweets and I wondered if she would've enjoyed it. Or was that stupid? Girls liked that kind of stuff, didn't they? Maybe I could even have taken her to a restaurant in town. Maybe. More than likely we would have spent the entire weekend in my room…

These thoughts tortured me. I did my damnedest to rid my mind of them, but it was difficult since Carlisle and Esme had disposed of every alcoholic beverage in the house, effectively eliminating the crutch I'd cultivated over the past month. Since I was basically under house arrest, I couldn't leave and they knew I wouldn't risk being seen. Alcohol only temporarily anesthetized me anyway.

Jasper had come by once, a few days after I'd left the Center, to tell me that he'd taken care of canceling all of the reservations and closing things up. He was going to stay with Alice in New York and see if he could find a job down there since, as he joked to lighten the mood, rich Manhattanites could always use another yoga instructor. I agreed with him half-heartedly, thanking him for everything he'd done. Even though he had no reason to stay, I didn't want him to leave. He was my only friend, and the only one besides my parents who knew what was going on. Of course he'd been sworn to secrecy and promised to maintain my cover.

As we said our goodbyes, I felt a lump form in my throat. Jasper was as much my brother as Emmett was.

"Take care of yourself, Edward,"

I nodded, "You too."

"After all this is over, I think we should through a helluva party. Maybe if I'm still in New York I'll get you down there for a visit."

"Maybe. Hey, Jazz…take care of…_her_." He gave me a small smile indicating he knew whom I meant. I couldn't even say her name…the pain surged…the thought of her there alone. Was she okay? Did she hate me?

He left and my loneliness increased. I didn't know when, if ever, I'd be able to reopen the Center, or when I'd see him again.

As the days turned into weeks, stir-craziness added to my unease—I wasn't exactly the most pleasant person to be around. Carlisle sensed this and gave me a wide berth; of course the same couldn't be said for Esme. I would never openly express my irritation with her but her need to nurture was quickly becoming intolerable since I was, after all, not a child and had existed self-sufficiently for some time. After the tenth batch of cookies (peanut butter—my childhood favorite) she'd made in just as many days, I gently, but firmly, reminded her that I no longer ate that stuff—or much of it, anyway. So she threw herself into learning more about vegetarian food even though I was perfectly content to cook my own. But this was Esme; she'd always been like this, showing her love for us through the food she prepared.

In general, I was civil but I couldn't give them what they needed—reassurance that I was dealing and I was going to be alright.

Desperate to find some outlet for my pent up energy and frustration, I turned again to yoga and was surprised to find it as enjoyable as it had once been. I gladly escaped into the peace it brought my mind from thoughts of Marcus, Caius, the trial, Bella. Soon, I had built back up to my regular regimen of two hours per day; they were the only hours that I now looked forward to. I tried to play my guitar but I found no pleasure in it, the night of the wedding still fresh in my mind.

What truly surprised me was that Carlisle hadn't pressured me to seek professional help again since I'd returned home. His actions slowly revealed that he wasn't the same man he once was, or that I remembered him to be. The father of my youth was assertive, demanding and often self-important; this Carlisle seemed far less sure of himself. Was it the situation we were in or was it symptomatic of a larger personality change? Whatever the reason, I welcomed it.

Ever since Lourde left, we rarely discussed the court-martial at all, but it was clearly on all of our minds. My parents didn't pressure me to tell them more about Iraq or my role in all of this, and for that I was extremely grateful. They just hovered…close but not too close…in limbo like me. And we waited.

One early October afternoon, I decided to practice in the new sunroom since Carlisle and Esme were out. My bedroom upstairs didn't offer the same space for movement, and it certainly wasn't as pleasant. The light streamed in from the overhead ceiling panels and cast a soft glow on the smooth wood floor, and I unrolled my mat and began stretching, my muscles still tired from running on the treadmill the day before.

After my brother and I had moved out, Carlisle and Esme had added a new wing to our once cozy 2-bedroom house. Now, in addition to the new sunroom, there were two bedrooms with adjoining baths: for guests, they said. I had a different theory since it was no secret that Esme wanted grandchildren. At the wedding I'd overheard Rose grumbling to Bella about my mother's not so subtle hints and insinuations. I'd never imagined having kids, but after meeting Bella the thought had occurred to me once or twice...

No. I wouldn't let myself even think it. Not a possibility.

After about twenty minutes I lost myself in my practice, reveling in the silence of an empty house.

A throat cleared behind me as I cooled down and I turned around to find my father, standing somewhat uncertainly in the doorway watching me.

"Edward." The tone of his voice told me he wanted to talk, but his interruption unnerved me a little. I stood up.

"Hi. Um. I was just finishing up," I explained, stooping to roll up my mat.

"No, it's fine, please." He held up his hand, gesturing for me to stay. "I actually was wondering if you had a minute." My habitual response would've been to immediately snap at him and shut him down, but I reined myself in. He was trying. Perhaps I should too.

"Yeah, I have a…few."

He smirked slightly and entered the room, heading towards one of the white wicker chairs that were clearly chosen by Esme. Once seated, his smile vanished and he eyed me intently. I was immediately on alert—I was quite familiar with that look.

"Son, I think it's time we talked a bit about what's happening. Your mother and I don't know what led up to this whole thing and…"

I started to interrupt him to protest, but he silenced me.

"Edward, you didn't let me finish. What I was going to say is that you don't have to tell us. I'm not asking you to.

"That doesn't mean I don't want to know, but it does mean that you don't have to feel obligated…if you don't feel ready, I don't want to pressure you.

"I know we haven't had an…easy relationship since you've been back…"

"You could say that," I couldn't help but remark. Carlisle sighed.

"It would be nice if we could have a conversation without getting defensive or sarcastic."

"It would be nice if you didn't patronize me." I realized I was being an asshole, but his remark got under my skin…especially his use of the word "we" when he really meant me.

"I suppose I deserve that. It's true; I have treated you like you couldn't handle things—worried about you, how you'd react, because of the PTSD. I've been over-protective, also perhaps heavy-handed. Sometimes I think I'm right and sometimes you prove me wrong…you've…proved me wrong."

I couldn't quite understand what he meant. Before, at the Center, he'd apologized for institutionalizing me, but that was as far as it went. Now, he seemed to be suggesting something far more significant.

"I meant what I said before, Edward. If you want to tell me what happened to you in Iraq to get you wrapped up in all of this, I'll listen. But whatever it was, I know that you've been dealing with it on your own for years. You've been trying to protect us…your mother…Emmett and now, if I'm correct, Bella?" I averted my eyes at the mention of her name. I hadn't told him about our breakup but I was sure Esme had.

"You've carried such a burden and the I never knew the reason. I thought you were just being stubborn…

"And I just wanted to say…if you want to see Dr. Garcia, I'll make it happen. But you're an adult and I'm not going to force you into therapy."

"So what is this, some kind of reverse psychology?" Was he going to let me off that easily? It didn't seem believable, knowing our history.

Carlisle stood up, walking over to where I stood and patting me on the shoulder. "No. It's just me. I'm…sorry Edward, that maybe I haven't been the greatest father…When you were young I pushed you…I had such plans for you, but I couldn't see that they weren't your plans. And if I did, I told myself it was for your own good. But I shouldn't have tried to mold you into my image. I can't help but think if I hadn't…then maybe…then…" His eyes glistened and he looked away, blinking rapidly and clearing his throat.

Instantly I knew what he was alluding to. He was speculating about my reasons for joining the army, if I would have had he been less controlling when I was a teenager. I'd often wondered the same thing myself.

"I thought…I tried…to do right by you when you returned. But I didn't." An awkward silence settled over the room as I grappled with this new knowledge.

The revelation startled me…Carlisle blamed himself. All of these years, he'd tried so hard to "fix" me…part of it was out of guilt.

Here I'd thought he considered me a disappointment, first for joining the army and then for being damaged, when really he felt responsible for it all.

"Carlisle…" I didn't know what to say…we'd never really talked, not honestly. Even now we had difficulty finding the words, betraying ourselves with stilted sentences and weighted pauses. Both of us considered ourselves guilty for letting the other one down, and we'd taken that same guilt out on each other in deed and word.

Perhaps Cullen men had some sort of genetic mutation that programmed us with an unbearable sense of responsibility and penchant for self-flagellation. I recognized myself in my father. He stood there with his fists clenched, looking away, embarrassed and…vulnerable. But I didn't feel pity or anger.

"I…thought I was a…disappointment…to you."

His eyes snapped to meet mine. "No. Never, Edward. You were never a disappointment. I was _proud_ of you. I _am_…proud of you."

How many years I'd longed to hear words like this from my father. But old habits and resentments die hard. I still couldn't believe him.

"Did Esme put you up to this?" I questioned tersely, quietly wondering whether he'd still feel the same way once he knew about the men I'd killed. I doubted it.

"NO! Edward, please. Can't you see I'm trying? Won't you at least give me that? I'm sorry I never told you and that I made you feel inadequate. I'm just now seeing the damage I've caused…

"Can you never forgive me?" He looked so broken standing there that my resurgent anger dissipated. I'd held on to it for so long it was ingrained. I carefully considered my words.

"I'm not going to lie and say I never resented you…"

Now in a reversal that just served to illustrate how ridiculously similar we were, he began to protest and I held up my hand.

"But it was my choice to go into the army, Carlisle, not yours. I was stupid and impetuous and I didn't know what it meant, but it was still my choice. Please, don't blame yourself anymore. What's…past is past." Just as the words left my lips I realized how untrue they were…past was not past. Not yet.

Carlisle turned towards me and I could tell he was thinking about what I'd said. We hadn't had such a long conversation…well, in years. In the distance I heard the phone ring several times before Esme answered it, her low murmur just barely audible as she spoke to whoever it was on the phone. Though he'd denied it, I wondered if she'd had a hand in this at all.

"I'm glad you've found something that makes you happy," he said, indicating the rolled up mat on the floor as he turned to go. "I hope…when all of this is over…you'll…let me stay in your life." He looked so exposed; it was still somewhat shocking to see him like that. But would he still want that once he knew all of the sordid details? The cynical part of me that was used to self-blame and, if I was being honest, pity, said 'no.' But another part of me, growing stronger every day, thought differently.

"I hope so, too." His words indicated he didn't understand the secret fear in my reply. I hoped he'd let me stay in his.

Not everything was cleared between us, but it was a start. For the first time since I'd broken up with Bella, I felt lighter.

Esme appeared at the doorway, her face drained of all color. She put her hand on the doorframe to steady herself and Carlisle immediately went to her. She glanced between the two of us.

"Esme, what is it?" he asked quietly.

My thoughts went to one place only.

"Bella?" She shook her head 'no' and I was flooded with relief. I felt lightheaded.

"That was Sergeant Lourde on the phone. He had some news…

"The operation was successful. They've arrested General Caius. But, some lives were lost. The Colonel…" her voice broke.

"Marcus?" I whispered.

"He's dead."

* * *

BPOV

Just as I had foreseen, my twenty-third birthday sucked. Big time.

Though I'd refrained from telling them for a couple of days, both Rose and Alice knew what was going on. Emmett, I think, had found out from his parents, and had told Rose, so that wasn't a surprise. And of course Alice had heard it from Jasper.

I'd gone to work on Tuesday looking, according to Alice as soon as she saw me, like death warmed over. She chastised me for not calling her immediately, wrapping me up in a small fierce protective hug and rocking me back and forth like some lunatic mother. I stood incapacitated by her embrace, more than a little embarrassed and annoyed to have the entire office staff learn of my heartbreak.

Still locked in her hold, I stared straight ahead, trying not to meet the gazes of quizzical staff members. "Jasper told me, Bella. I'm so so sorry. Edward Cullen is a certifiable moron," she assured me, just as Tanya passed by. She had obviously heard Alice and stopped, turning back to the pair of us.

"Edward _Cullen_…Bella? What's wrong?" Tanya looked confused.

"Her wank-tard of an ex-boyfriend is what's wrong," Alice said.

I was seething as I pried myself away. "Alice," I hissed under my breath. The last thing I needed was for Tanya to be involved in this. Of course I'd never forgotten Edward's intimation that she had once been…interested…in him.

Tanya smiled in insincere sympathy. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to overhear. I thought you'd said Edward Cullen." She shook her head and laughed, as if the thought of it was just too ridiculous to even be considered.

Before I could protest Alice butted in.

"I did! That's the wank-tard! I'm gonna find him and kick him in the nuts!"

Great.

Tanya's mask slipped and for just a second I thought I saw pure, unadulterated jealousy. But she composed herself in an instant, making me wonder if I'd imagined it.

"_You're_ dating Edward Cullen? The _CCYA_ Edward Cullen?"

"Um." My face flushed instantly and I felt sick. Embarrassed and heartbroken, I shook my head.

"But she WAS, and he was head over heels for her!"

I had to stop Alice before the entire office knew all of the shameful details. I clenched her arm—hard—digging my fingers in.

"OW! Jeez, Bella!" she whined as I dragged her to a more private location, leaving Tanya behind struggling to keep her mouth closed.

"Alice, that was sooooo not okay," I seethed. "You think I want everyone to know I've been dumped? I just got this job, dammit Al. I don't want to be known as the chick with guy problems! And Tanya…." I looked around to make sure the coast was clear, considering whether I should tell Alice about Tanya and Edward at this point. Her indiscretion had already cost me. "Tanya's my boss and I don't want her knowing about my personal life, okay?

"God, Al. It was hard enough for me to come here today, please, don't make it worse." I couldn't stop my eyes from filling with tears of frustration.

"Bella," she said soberly, "I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean anything by it, honest. I thought I was helping." Her eyes were huge as she stared up at me. I knew she meant well. She was just the least tactful person I knew.

"Okay," I relented, "but no more discussion in the office about this, agreed?"

"Agreed."

Alice's phone rang, effectively ending our conversation. After giving my arm a final squeeze and mouthing the word "later" at me, she ran off to take care of whatever crisis was emerging.

Honestly, I didn't want to talk, or think about Edward at all. Ever since I'd had that conversation with Seth about Edward's motivations, or lack thereof, I'd been trying to stop myself from obsessing over it, but it wasn't working. The night before I'd spent tossing and turning and going over every little detail of our relationship, but that only served to confuse me more, especially since the evidence I remembered seemed to reinforce Seth's hypothesis that there was something else happening with Edward. All of his cryptic comments, his fear in divulging too much…I'd known he was holding something back…but was that what had caused this? Or was I rationalizing?

I didn't know what to think and my head HURT.

In order to get through the workday I focused on small tasks. Getting coffee. Running to the mailroom. Copy-editing final proofs. I'd perform each one with full attention, anything to keep my mind off the one subject it wanted to dwell on. _Edward. _

Just thinking his name was a kick in the gut; I felt the familiar pain spread from my chest to my extremities, the tightness in my face and the liquid pooling in my eyes. _I had to get a grip. _

When five o'clock rolled around I was reluctant to leave—it meant another night spent unhealthily obsessing in my lonely apartment. I waited until five-thirty, procrastinating by performing a few mundane tasks. As I walked by Alice's office I noticed her lights were still on and she was on the phone, cradling it with one ear as she typed something on her computer. It was probably for the best, I thought as I made my way out of the building.

Turning my cell phone on was a fearful task. I nervously pressed the "power" button and waited for it to load, hope beating in my chest. Three missed calls. My heart pounded harder.

Two from Rose. One from Seth.

The beating stopped and I felt so fucking hurt and stupid all over again. I played the messages they'd left.

The first one was from Rose. _"Bella. Please call me. I know you might not want to talk about it but just call me and let me know you're all right. Please…." She paused. "I love you, Bella."_

Next, Seth's voice. _"Hey, Bella. I know you're at work right now but I thought you might want some company for dinner. I could bring a pizza or something. Anyway, if you're up for it let me know."_

I quickly dialed Rose and got her voicemail. "Hey Rose, I got your message. Thanks for calling. I just don't really wanna talk about it, okay? I'll call you soon."

Immediately, I called Seth and he answered on the third ring.

"Hi, Seth, it's Bella. Pizza sounds great."

Two hours later we were seated on the floor of my apartment, watching selections from Seth's "The Complete Monty Python's Flying Circus." Seth was shoveling pepperoni pizza like he hadn't eaten in years while I picked at my first slice. If he noticed I wasn't really eating he didn't say anything. I tried to focus on the TV but I couldn't, even though my favorite sketch of all time, "Four Yorkshiremen," was playing. Seth guffawed loudly as the declarations of hard childhoods got wilder and more ridiculous, but I could barely crack a smile, not even when Michael Palin shot out "Ah, we used to dream of living in a corridor!"

I clutched my cell phone surreptitiously, or so I thought, in my right hand.

The sketch ended and Seth turned off the TV.

"Bella, why don't you just call him?"

Believe me, the thought had occurred. But I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I shook my head.

"If he wanted to talk to me he'd call."

"Maybe," he shrugged. "But maybe he wouldn't. Guys can be weird…" he said thoughtfully. "Hey, do you want me to call?"

"NO!" I exclaimed. "Seth, no. Now _that_ would be weird. What would you say anyway? '_Hi Edward, I'm sitting here with Bella the nut job and she wants to know why you don't like her anymore_.' This isn't fifth grade."

"Okay, jeez. Just asking. But I still think you should call…get some closure. I mean, he never really told you why it was a mistake, right? I think you deserve to know."

"Seth, you're so funny. If it were Alice or Rose sitting here they'd forbid me to do it, and here you are practically begging me. Why?"

He shrugged. "I just don't like to see you unhappy."

After Seth left I sat in my room, staring at my phone nervously. I picked it up and put it down. I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and came back. I glared at it.

Finally, no longer able to stand it, I dialed Alice's number. It was after nine so I knew she'd be home by now.

"Bella?"

"Al. Hi. I really need to talk to someone….I've been thinking…ofcallingEdward." The words came out in a rush.

"Bella. I don't think you can."

"I know, I KNOW. I mean, I shouldn't right? He broke up with me. But Al, he didn't give me a reason and Seth was here and maybe…he thought maybe there was another reason for it. But he was so cold and he said not to call him so maybe I shouldn't. But I can't stop staring at my phone and I can't sleep and I thought that maybe if I could just talk to him again…." I was rambling so ferociously I sounded almost like Alice herself.

"Bella, just calm down. Listen. There are a lot of good reason why you _shouldn't _call him, but I'm telling you, you _can't._

"I just got off the phone with Jasper a couple of minutes ago. Edward's gone, Bella."

My stomach dropped, instantly thinking the worst.

"What do you mean 'gone?" I whispered.

"Gone as in left, vanished, disappeared. He left a note and didn't even say goodbye. Jasper doesn't know where he went or if he plans to come back, but he doesn't think it will be anytime soon."

"How does he know that?" My throat was dry and I felt the dammed tears again. "What did the note say?"

Alice sighed on the other end of the line. "I don't remember the exact wording…but basically it said he was leaving to start somewhere new…away…where people don't know him and don't know about his PTSD. He…he told Jasper to close the Center, cancel all the reservations.

"Jasper's coming down at the end of the week. He's gonna stay with me for a while until he finds a job…" She couldn't control the excitement in her voice. "Maybe longer.

"I'm so sorry, Bella, but maybe this is for the best?"

So it was real. He didn't want me. He didn't want any of us. I couldn't believe he would close the Center—it meant so much to him. It was his life. I choked back a sob, not wanting to lose it on the phone.

"Al. I gotta go…I'll see you tomorrow." I managed to get out before hanging up and giving myself over, once again, to my grief.

That was the night it became real for me. I lost my hope.

* * *

The next few weeks passed by slowly. Seth brought me a red velvet cupcake on my birthday but I refused Alice and Rose when they wanted to take me out. I really didn't feel up to it. Charlie sent me a new hat and mittens—purple—and I cried when I read his card. "_Happy Birthday Bells. I didn't know what to get you but I figure you could use this kinda stuff. You always did know how to lose hats and gloves. I love ya, kid. I hope you're doing well. Tell that Edward fellow he better take care of my girl."_

Oh Charlie. I missed my dad. _  
_

I went to work. I came home and slept. I ate, but only when I absolutely had too. And it bothered me.

I hated that I was like this.

All though my life I'd been skeptical of women who'd done what I was doing—sure, during my break-up with Mike I'd moped, but never had I been physically ill over it. And it had dissipated so quickly.

This time, it was like a festering wound that wouldn't heal.

Jasper had moved to the city and found a job doing private instruction. It was good to see him but it was also painful to see the two of them together. Alice hadn't told me yet but it was clear they were deeply in love. They tried not to be overly affectionate in front of me out of respect for my feelings, but the connection between them was so strong. I hated them and I hated myself for it.

Emmett and Rose I saw less and less of, mainly because I couldn't stand how Rose saw right though me. She wanted to talk about it and I didn't want to; she wanted to take care of me and I didn't want her to. And then, in early November, they had news. Rose was going to have a baby. She was glowing when she told me and I wrapped her in my arms, fighting back my tears as I willed the bitter spinster in me to be happy for them.

My friends were moving on with their lives, and I was being left behind.

Work had become increasingly intolerable. Ever since she'd found out about me and Edward, Tanya had been vindictive and bitchy. She held me back from working on projects I was interested in and cut me down for minor errors…it was clear she had it out for me because….why? I had no idea. He had dumped me. I couldn't see the justice, since I was getting all of her…jealousy?...and I didn't even have the man.

Seth was the only one I could really stand to be around for extended periods of time. I'd told him that Edward had left a couple days after I found out and, since then, we hadn't spoken much about it…and that was good. When I was with Seth I felt almost whole again…almost alive. He even made me come to his housemates' Halloween party, which was the first time I'd gone out at night since I'd come back from the retreat. I didn't dress up, but I did actually have a decent time, despite the glares I got from Victoria all night. I didn't know why she felt threatened by me, since her "naughty nurse" outfit clearly highlighted the attributes she had that I most certainly didn't. Seth had chosen a werewolf costume, which was hilarious because he looked more like a big puppy. When I told him Victoria was giving me the stink-eye he laughed and told me to ignore her, as he always did. He had no interest in Victoria, he assured me, and she had no reason not to like me.

I had my doubts.

I worried that Seth was developing feelings for me that I couldn't reciprocate, but I was selfish. We spent so much time together and I didn't want that to end just because I didn't feel romantically interested. Sure, he was cute and fun and warm and sweet, but I felt absolutely no physical attraction towards him at all. Which was fine with me, since I was certainly not in any mental state to be dating anyone.

Despite everything, all of the hurt he caused me, I loved Edward. I wanted him still. I had come to recognize that at least a part of me always would.

One day, a week before Thanksgiving, Seth and I were lounging around in my apartment. He was trying to convince me to come to Boston with him to visit Leah for the weekend. Fiercely proud of their Mohawk heritage, Seth and his sister, like many Native American people, found Thanksgiving a troubling holiday. They designated it a "Day of Mourning," since the feast Americans celebrated every year represented the beginning of centuries of use and abuse of Native people at the hands of Europeans. Apparently, the United American Indians of New England held a yearly protest at Plymouth, and Seth and Leah had gone every year since they were kids.

I didn't know if I should go, and it wasn't because I took offense at Seth's tradition, since I actually agreed with him.

It made me nervous…it was a step too close to "couple."

So I protested, citing "plans" with Alice and Jasper. I didn't _actually_ have any, but Seth didn't know that. Rose and Emmett wouldn't be here because they planned on driving up to the Berkshires to surprise Esme and Carlisle. Since his parents didn't know about the baby yet, the visit would be a perfect way for them to unveil the news. I'd probably be sitting here watching TV and eating ramen noodles.

"Bella," Seth sat next to me. "You're my closest friend and I know you don't want to spend Thanksgiving with Alice and Jasper in the 'love nest," he wrinkled his nose as he cited the term that Alice had shamefully used to describe her apartment since Jasper moved in.

He knew he was right and he shook his head as I protested weakly that, yes, I did.

"We both know you're lying. Now come on, out with it…what's the real reason?"

I said nothing, not wanting to have this conversation. I didn't want things to change between us. I depended on him too much.

"You know," he said, "besides my sister…I've never felt so close to someone, Bella. I really wanna share this with you. And….listen..." he looked scared and that was enough to set my heart nervously racing. Oh crap.

"I've been wanting to tell you something for a while but I wasn't sure…I don't want to make things weird between us…it's just…something I have to say."

"Seth…don't…please…" I began. He looked green, turning away from me. I'd rejected him already.

"Fine. Be that way. You know, I think I've been a pretty good friend to you. You could at least hear what I have to say. And anyway, you already know, obviously, or else you wouldn't be so repulsed."

"Repulsed? Is that what you think? I'm not repulsed, Seth. I love you, you know I do. I just don't feel…_that way_…about you. I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to fuck up our friendship…I'm just…"

I was at a loss for words and when I turned towards him, what I saw was NOT what I was expecting.

He was grinning. HUGELY.

I was confused.

Then he laughed, rather hysterically, I thought, given the situation. I couldn't help but be a little taken aback and…disappointed…that he'd dealt with my rejection so well. Had I misjudged his interest after all?

"Bella…Bella…" he managed, wiping his eyes with his sleeve once he regained his composure. I was not amused.

"Bella…you're a sweet girl, and a great friend. And yeah, you've got a hot ass. But…Bella. I'm gay."

"WHAT!"

He chuckled, a little more nervously now. "Yeah."

"Why the hell didn't you tell me?" I hit him in the arm.

"I haven't told anyone, really, other then Leah…but she always knew. You don't know how hard it was growing up in rural Massachusetts for me. It just…it wouldn't have been accepted. My mom would have freaked…I loved her a lot, but she wasn't always the most open-minded person about that kinda thing. And I was just too…scared…

"It's one of the reasons I wanted to move down here, go to college, be away, you know?"

"So, let me get this straight…" I clapped my hand over my mouth, hiding my instant grin. That wasn't even a joke I'd meant to make.

"Har har har. Very punny, Bella."

"Hey…that was unintentional." I was still trying to wrap my head around this new development. It was strange. It was unexpected. It was _wonderful_. "I just never…"

"Didn't expect it, right?" he said, following my eyes down to his cargo pants and black tee, "Bella, not all gay men are fashionistas or flamingly queer. That's just what you see on TV. It's called a stereotype for a reason."

"I…know…" The fact was, I didn't know. Being from Forks was probably a lot like being from Western Mass. There certainly weren't a lot of openly gay people in my town. Besides Eric and Tyler, who I'd met that first weekend at the Center, I'd never really had a gay friend before.

"Bella, my sexuality doesn't define me. But I'm not running away from it anymore…still, old habits and all that…just don't tell anyone yet, okay? I'm trying to do this on my own terms."

"Of course. So…if you're just coming out…does that mean…you're…"

He smirked. "A virgin?"

"Yeah. That."

"Nope."

"But you said…"

"It was in high school…this guy on the swim team. I never told him I was gay."

"But you…"

"Yeah. Bella, guys are horny in high school. Even straight ones."

I giggled, hitting him on the arm again. "You slut!" A thought occurred to me. "Did…Edward know?" But he was so jealous of Seth; there's no way.

"No. Jake didn't either."

"Did you…like…either of them?" The though of Seth having a crush on Edward was just…weird.

He smiled at me, patting my head. "Silly Bella. Not everyone falls in love with Edward Cullen at first sight. He's a ginger, for God's sake. And I know he's filled out now, but that boy was lanky. No…for me…it was Jake."

Suddenly everything made perfect sense…the bike that Seth had kept in such perfect working condition…it was his most treasured possession. And it was a monument to love, not friendship. I remembered his face when Edward had told him that he could keep it. Pure happiness.

And Jake had dated Leah…that must have been so hard for him. "Oh," I said as the realization sunk in. "Ohhhhhhh. I'm so sorry, Seth."

"I was fifteen when they left for Iraq...I didn't understand why he wanted to go so bad. I mean, I know his aunt died, but Jake...he had this view of war that was so glamorous. Even I knew it wasn't like that. When he...died...it was hard.

"It was hard...for a while…but you know, a long time has passed. It's time for me to move on. Maybe it's time for you too, Bella."

I shook my head. "I don't know how."

"You will."

I picked a loose thread on the blanket on my lap, quiet for a minute. Would I? Even though I hadn't known Edward for long, my time with him had changed me. It sounded stupid and I knew most people would think I was pining for no reason, but they didn't know how I felt. I'd come to terms with the fact that we'd never be together, but...

I sighed loudly, frustrated with myself. Why couldn't I let him go?

"Bella?" Seth asked. He worried about me. I looked up at him and brought myself back to our conversation.

"So," I paused, "Does this mean I'm your hag?"

"Absolutely," he replied, grinning. "Now that you know I'm not trying to steal your honor, does this mean you'll come to Boston with me for Thanksgiving?"

I grinned back. "Abso-fucking-lutely."

* * *

**A/N: Please let me know what you think and I'll send you a present! Thanks so much for reading. **

**Also, don't forget to check out the newest outtake, "The Battle of the Bands," which is posted on my profile under TCS Outtakes. You'll get a little glimpse into Edward and Jake's high school lives. **


	30. Lunge

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight.**

**Thanks to my beta and fellow fic h00r Diamondheart78. We feed each other's addiction, in a good way. **

**A/N: Just a reminder that I know very little about the intricacies of the military court system and courts-martial; if you do and I get things wrong, forgive me!  
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**Chapter 30: Lunge**

EPOV

No. No No! Marcus wasn't dead. The man was fucking invincible—he'd escaped from Caius once; he'd waited and planned all of these years. And for what? To fucking die just when we were so close to catching the bastard?

My mother's words hung in the air as both of my parents looked at me, waiting to gauge my reaction. They knew enough of my relationship with Marcus to understand that the news would come as a blow.

"Edward…" Esme began.

"How did it happen?" I asked, cutting her off.

"He was…shot…I didn't…"

"Caius?"

"Umm…Sergeant Lourde didn't say. But I think so, yes."

"Son…" Carlisle walked over to me but I stepped back.

"Don't touch me," I snapped; he froze in place, startled. "I'm…I'm sorry. I just need a minute…"

"Of course," he assented, retreating and looking over at Esme worriedly.

I wasn't going to panic. I wasn't. I just needed a minute to think. Just a minute.

During my last communication with Marcus he had sounded resigned. Looking back on it, there was finality to our conversation that almost suggested he'd foreseen this was going to happen. But that didn't make it any easier to accept.

"But Caius? He's been caught?" I asked.

She nodded, "Yes. They're transporting him to a high security location, an army base somewhere in New York State. Sergeant Lourde seems to think the hearing will happen quickly…maybe as soon as next month. They don't want a big media frenzy…and he said if the hearing goes as planned the court-martial should go forward next year…maybe as early as January."

January. Three months. Would I have to stay here for three more months in hiding?

As if aware of my unasked question, Esme answered it.

"He said you should just sit tight here until he contacts us again. It's likely they're going to want you to stay out of sight until the trial…" She gave Carlisle a knowing look. "Basically, he told me to tell you that if the General learns that you're alive…that he might try to…pressure you…into not testifying…"

I knew exactly what she meant. Caius would use his connections on the outside to "pressure" me by harming my family, just as I always feared he would. I wouldn't allow that to happen, so I'd have to play along.

All I wanted to do was call Bella…but now I couldn't.

"This is so fucked," I whispered.

"Son," Carlisle said firmly. "Whatever happens, we'll stand by you. We're going to get through this…as a family."

"But if he finds out I'm here…"

"He won't," Esme said firmly. "We'll make sure of that."

My parents looked at each other, a unified force.

Even though I longed to retreat to my room, I wouldn't let myself.

We sat for a while until Esme excused herself to make dinner. Carlisle followed her, obviously trying to give me some space. I heard them in the kitchen and I knew they were probably talking about me, wondering how I was dealing with the news.

Marcus was dead, one more life added to Caius's tally. And another friend gone.

I realized something then and it was the closet thing to an epiphany I'd ever had…I was fucking lucky. Lucky to be alive and have people in my life that cared about me. Yeah, Jake died in Iraq. Yeah, I'd done horrible things, things that I'd never forgive myself for. But I had to stop sulking and feeling sorry for myself and deal with this situation. I couldn't go on wishing for circumstances to change and brooding when they didn't. I couldn't let my anxieties and fears run my fucking life anymore.

Sure I knew it wouldn't be easy and it probably meant I'd have to talk to someone…but for the first time since I'd been back…I kind of wanted to.

I was tired of running away.

Marcus sacrificed his life and I wasn't even living mine. Not really. Even with Bella. I'd been holding back, afraid for her to see the real me. It had been for her safety, of course, but also because I didn't want her to hate me. Now, I thought ruefully, she already did.

The only thing that mattered now was taking Caius down. If I could do that, then maybe…just maybe…I'd have a chance to make it up to Bella. Once the trial was over, if she could accept what I'd done…maybe it wasn't too late.

Well, now it was my chance to fucking do it. I'd testify and destroy Caius's life as he had destroyed mine. Jake's. Marcus's. Aban's. Nadia's. Their son's. I wondered if I'd ever learn his name.

They were dead but I was still alive. He wouldn't defeat me. No fucking way. And if that meant I'd have to stay holed up here for another three months, so be it. Even if I never saw Bella again, even if she hated me, I'd act like the man I needed to be.

Sitting on the couch as the day darkened into night, certainty settled over me.

I'd have to tell Esme and Carlisle about what happened with VOLTOR and I'd have to accept the consequences. Once the court-martial began they'd learn anyway, so prolonging the inevitable was futile.

With a new steely determination, I went to the kitchen and focused my gaze on my parents. Both of them looked at me unsurely, and I almost laughed at the twinned looks of surprise on their faces when I told them I was ready to talk.

* * *

**_Six weeks later._**

Esme promised not to make a fuss about Thanksgiving, and for once in her life, she'd stayed true to her word. This particular holiday had always been a favorite in our family, but this year circumstances necessitated that it would only be the three of us and, since I didn't eat turkey, we'd all agreed to put the celebration on hold.

Luckily, Emmett had called a week before to tell our parents that he and Rose had decided to spend Thanksgiving with her father in California. This disappointed Esme, but really it would be easier than to try and keep my presence unknown with the two of them in the house.

Even though the Article 32 hearing had determined we had enough evidence to go forward with the general court-martial and a date had been set, I still had to remain out of sight. Alistair French, the prosecuting JAG attorney, planned to keep my existence a secret from Caius and the defense until just before the trial began. I'd been working on my testimony with him for the last couple of weeks, and he believed my evidence, combined Laurent's testimony and the photographs, would be more than enough to ensure conviction.

The last month and a half hadn't been as bad as I'd expected, especially now that my parents knew the whole truth about what had happened in Iraq. Telling them was one of the most difficult things I'd ever done. Esme broke down completely and I'd never forget the look on Carlisle's face. The hardest thing for me to accept-they didn't hate me.

I'd underestimated them both.

Just telling someone relieved some of the pressure on my shoulders. My panic attacks had lessened and I slept better at night. Though I still had nightmares, I felt Caius's tight grip on my life loosening.

Preparation for the trial daunted me. My varying levels of agoraphobia and claustrophobia made me nervous about testifying…I didn't know how I'd react to being in a crowded courthouse. There were so many unknowable factors…cell phones could go off…and, most importantly, I'd come face to face with Caius and the rest of VOLTOR.

Carlisle had hesitantly suggested I try some anti-anxiety meds and was shocked when I'd assented to try a low dosage of Ativan. I'd begun taking it a week after we'd learned of Marcus's death, and I already felt much calmer. Still, I didn't need Carlisle to tell me that the drugs could only deal with the symptomatic expression of my PTSD, not the root causes. For that, I'd begun to think maybe I would need therapy once the trial ended. If I wanted to be with Bella, I needed to get my shit together…if the trial ended well…

Every day I had to fight off the desire to call her. Logically, I knew it couldn't be risked—but I desperately wanted to flaunt logic. Every day that slipped by was another day she could move on, find someone else. And, while I had been willing to let her go to keep her safe when the situation seemed hopeless, now that I knew the end was in sight, I needed to find some way to let her know that I still loved her.

But Bella would surely want an explanation for my behavior, and right now I couldn't give her one. I couldn't come up with a way to do what I wanted without jeopardizing the case or anyone else's life.

But the waiting was making me crazy.

Just before I went downstairs at around ten, I heard the sound of the doorbell and froze.

Seconds later, the unmistakable boom of Emmett's voice sounded in the hallway, followed by Rosalie's soft laugh.

_Holy shit._

I immediately retreated to my room in a slight panic. Clearly they'd decided to surprise our parents and I had no idea what to do, if I should make my presence known or remain hidden. How long did they plan to stay? What were the ramifications of taking them into confidence? Could it be risked?

I decided to stay put until I could speak with either Carlisle or Esme and decide what to do.

Hours passed and during that time I worked out every possible scenario, and the only one that made sense was to try and keep my presence undisclosed, at least for the moment. I thanked God for the wing they'd added to the house and for the fact that our childhood room had its own bathroom—else I would certainly have pissed out the window by now.

But I was getting hungry, and the smells that had begun wafting up from the kitchen weren't helping. Seems Esme had decided to cook Thanksgiving dinner after all.

At around three o'clock, Carlisle slipped into my room without knocking.

He glanced at me and put his finger to his lips, as if I needed the hint. I waited expectantly, noticing he was holding a saran-wrapped peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He passed it to me and I greedily unwrapped it as he sat on the edge of the bed. I shook my head when I noticed Esme had cut off the crusts out of consideration for food prejudices I hadn't had since I was ten.

"Emmett and Rose are here for a couple of days," Carlisle said lowly. "Your mother and I have decided it's best for you to remain unseen, Edward. It's just too risky to get more people involved right now. Especially because…Emmett and Rose have some news." His knee bounced, shaking the bed.

I waited expectantly, wondering what the hell he was so excited about.

"Rosalie is pregnant," he finally announced with a broad smile.

"Holy shit!" I exclaimed. They sure didn't waste any time. "Are you kidding me?"

"No. That's the reason they came, to surprise your mother and me."

"Tricky bastard! Wow. I didn't know Em had it in him…er…to be so secretive."

Carlisle shook his head, giving me a look. "Anyway, Rose is taking a nap right now and Emmett is with her. They're staying through tomorrow and leaving on Saturday morning. Will you be alright up here?"

I nodded, irritated that I couldn't join them downstairs but understanding the necessity all the same.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I just think we need to follow the protocol we've been given…"

"Don't worry about it. I agree. As long as you bring me food, that is." The sandwich had already disappeared and I needed about three more.

"We won't let you starve."

"I appreciate that," I deadpanned. "Maybe you could bring me something to drink as well. A bottle of vodka, perhaps?"

"Very funny."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Just trying to inject some humor into an otherwise humorless situation."

"Indeed." He looked at me skeptically.

"Well," I said, changing the subject, "how are you going to keep them out of here? I'm sure Emmett wants to show Rosalie his trophies…" I gestured to the ridiculous statues on the dresser.

"Your mother was quick on her feet. You'd have been impressed. Anyway, she told them we were fumigating." I raised my eyebrows. Good one. "The thought of pesticides should keep them away, especially because of the baby. Anyway, we set them up in one of the new guest rooms downstairs."

"Impressive." I said, seriously. Who knew my parents were such good improvisational liars?

"So, what will you do up here?"

"Oh, you know, figure out the meaning of life," I quipped, "Write the great American novel."

Carlisle smiled as he stood. "I'm glad to see you like this, Edward. You seem in much better spirits these days."

I shrugged. "I guess I'm just dealing with the situation."

"Good."

He left, closing the door softly behind him. Fumigating, my ass! Esme kept this house so clean there's no way there'd be bugs enough to have to deal with in that manner. Luckily, Rose didn't know that and Emmett wouldn't think twice about it. It was part of his nature to just accept the things our parents told him.

Lucky me.

As the day turned into evening my curiosity increased. I wondered what they were talking about. Even though Emmett and I hadn't parted on the best of terms, I missed the hell out of him. I even missed Rosalie. Really, I missed talking to anyone who wasn't my mother or father. Even at the Center I hadn't been this isolated.

Of course I couldn't deny that I also wanted news of Bella.

Okay, maybe that was the main reason I was so interested. But why would they be talking about her? Why wouldn't they? Should I risk it?

Dammit. I needed to find out.

At around eight o'clock, I left my room and listened…they weren't in the living room. From the sounds of it they were in the sunroom on the left side of the house, but from upstairs I couldn't be sure.

I felt like an idiot, trying to eavesdrop on my own family. But soon I found myself at the bottom of the stairs. I listened harder…yep. In the sunroom. The living room was dark and I skirted around the edge until I was near the hallway that led to the extension, sheepish and a little guilty. It would be ridiculous for me to be caught out here like this…but it was dark, and I figured I could quickly hide should the need arise.

From my position, I could easily make out their conversation.

Rose and Em were talking about their honeymoon and living in New York. Emmett loved it. Apparently he'd gotten a job at an accounting firm in the same neighborhood where Rosalie worked. They'd been busy getting settled in their new place and preparing a room for the baby. I also learned that Rose was four months pregnant, though they'd only gotten married in August.

Very interesting. I smirked, wondering if they'd known during the wedding.

I stood in place for a half in hour before I realized their conversation was not going where I wanted it. But just as I started to make my way back to the stairs, I heard the question I'd been waiting for. It was Esme, God bless her, asking about Bella.

"And how is Bella doing, dear? Did she go home for Thanksgiving?"

"No, actually she went to Boston with Seth. They're going to some protest or something."

My heart stopped and it took all of my strength not to barge into the room and ask Rose what the hell she was talking about.

"Seth? Seth Clearwater?" Esme asked, surprised, "I didn't know that they were friends."

"Yeah, well, they are. She hangs out with him…a LOT. Every time I call her it's 'Seth this,' 'Seth that,' honestly, I'm so glad for her. I mean, I know Edward's your son, but he really devastated her. For a while I didn't think she'd ever snap out of it. But I'm glad to see her happy again."

"I see," Esme said. I could hear the strain in her voice but I didn't want to hear anything else. I cursed myself and my dammed curiosity. I cursed Seth.

He was my fucking friend.

But really I had no one to blame but myself.

Fuck my life.

I returned to my room and fought the urge to slam the door.

So, Bella and Seth were together…

And all the plans I'd been making, hoping for…thoughts that had sustained me…

Gone.

* * *

BPOV

Thanksgiving was unexpectedly fun…and eye opening. The protest at Plymouth hadn't been large, but I'd met so many interesting people and been moved by their anger and emotion. These were people who really truly cared about their heritage and about bringing the injustice done to their ancestors to the public eye. And they welcomed me so openly, I truly felt like I belonged.

Seeing Leah again was painful because my only association with her was the day that I'd visited with Edward to sort through Billy's things. I think Seth must have informed her about my situation with Edward because she didn't bring him up once, for which I was grateful. She made me feel at home in her new Beacon Hill apartment, preparing some delicious Sri Lankan curry in accordance with the anti-Thanksgiving Clearwater tradition. We'd eaten the spicy food and gotten good and drunk on good white wine while Seth and Leah regaled me with tales of their younger days. I couldn't believe some of the things I heard. Unfortunately, most of their stories also included Edward. While they never mentioned him by name, I could sense their unease as they glossed over the bits of their memories that involved him. This made me uncomfortable, which made things worse. But I smiled and tried to be as cheerful as possible; Seth deserved it.

I knew enough about siblings to know that kinship didn't always make for friendship, and what Leah and Seth had was special. I wondered if Leah knew about Seth's feelings for Jake.

I doubted it.

Since we'd gotten back to the City, Alice had tried to set me up with several "eligible bachelors" around the office, but each time I'd evaded her…she called me out on it, but I didn't care. I wasn't ready.

Instead, I'd somewhat ironically thrown myself into yoga, picking up where I'd left off at the Center.

I'd finally gotten around to calling Bree at the beginning of December and she'd convinced me, somewhat begrudgingly, to attend a yoga seminar for prospective teachers. She'd taken a teacher training course during the fall at a studio in Manhattan and suggested that I do the same.

The idea appealed to me, but I wasn't sure if it was because of my memories of Edward or because I'd really like to be a yoga instructor. Moreover, I feared I lacked the requisite skill—even though I'd practiced intensively for six months, I still was no more than an intermediate practitioner.

But after taking the five-hour-long seminar, the idea strongly appealed to me. Though I hadn't been active in several months, my body had no problem reacquainting itself with the positions. I felt strong. Powerful.

But it hurt in some ways. Some things I couldn't forget. The times he touched me. The times we'd nearly made love in the studio. Those memories were fading and I didn't know what was more painful…remembering them or fearing I'd forget.

I should want to forget.

Despite this confusion, I felt like yoga was in some ways healing me…I began to understand what Edward had found in it after Iraq, how it had helped him. When I practiced, my mind was clear, free…

I'd started a daily routine to build up my strength and stamina, and had decided to enroll in the spring teacher training class that would be beginning in February. It was just over a month away, though, and I was a little concerned I wouldn't be able to produce the three-thousand-dollar tuition in time. I knew teaching yoga wouldn't be enough to sustain me, but it would be a nice supplement to my income. Especially if I could find another job away from Tanya Denali.

One early January day after my Sunday yoga class, I bought a paper and walked down to our coffee shop to meet Seth, as had become tradition. Sitting down with a cup of coffee and a ginger scone, I opened to the classifieds and started glossing the listings. There was no way I could stay at Denali—Tanya's antics were making my life a living hell and the job itself hadn't turned out to be a good fit. At all.

The nine to five workday stifled me—I didn't know how people did it year after year. And the corruption and backstabbing I'd seen in the corporate world made me rethink my once fierce ambition to enter publishing. I knew what I wanted to do, but it certainly wasn't practical. But hey, if Bree was doing it?

Charlie would kill me. I sighed and folded up the paper. Seth was late, as usual. I sat sipping my coffee and looking out the window. After about five minutes I began absent-mindedly reading the headlines to distract myself. I felt a little guilty since I hadn't been paying much attention to the news.

A centrally located article on the front page caught my eye:

_**Four-Star General Faces Court-Martial On Murder, Profiteering, Treason Charges**_

_West Point. General Caius Andreas, commanding officer of Project VOLTOR (Voluntary Terrorism Operative Rangers), a low-profile secret operative group working in Iraq and Afghanistan, faces opening statements today in one of the most high-profile military misconduct trials in recent history. Also court-martialed are Staff Sergeants Jane Phillips, Alec Reuters, and Corporal Demetri Prokofiev, also VOLTOR members. The court-martial is the culmination of years of investigation by U.S. Army and Pentagon officials._

_General Andreas is accused of liaising with enemy combatants and agents of the Blackwater security firm in an illegal arms dealing ring, which has directly and indirectly resulted in the loss of hundreds, if not thousands, of American, Iraqi, and Afghani lives. Witnesses are expected to testify that Andreas also gave illegal orders to eliminate Iraqi intelligence forces working with the U.S. and personally benefited from the multi-million dollar weapons deals. Phillips, Reuters, and Prokofiev all face similar charges._

_General Andreas is also charged with the deaths of Colonel Marcus Campbell of New York, NY and Sergeant Major Felix Dominguez of Miami, Florida. Colonel Campbell was killed late last year during the mission to capture General Andreas, who was then AWOL in Pakistan. Dominguez's death was once ruled accidental, but is now being reexamined in light of recent evidence._

_If convicted, General Caius could face corporeal punishment._

_A separate, civilian trial is scheduled for Blackwater director James Verwoerd and contractor Lawrence Damien, though Damien is expected to reach a plea bargain in exchange for testimony at the court-martial and his role in apprehending General Andreas in Pakistan._

_Similar initiatives are underway in Iraq and Afghanistan to apprehend suspects involved in arms smuggling and terrorist activities._

_Judge Advocate General Robert T. Seward has ordered all witnesses sequestered—with the exception of immediate family and chief investigators—because of the sensitive nature of the case. One of the key witnesses, Private Edward Cullen of Stockbridge, MA, is expected to testify for the prosecution about his role in Project VOLTOR on Tuesday of this week._

Oh. My. Fucking. God. Oh my fucking GOD! Edward.

I could barely make it through the rest of the article, my heart thrumming nervously in my chest. I couldn't believe what I read though the words marked the paper clear as day:

_Cullen's inclusion on the witness list, announced only yesterday, was unexpected for the defense._

_Other witnesses listed to testify for the prosecution include several subpoenaed U.S. and Iraqi army officials and Blackwater contractors. Damien's testimony is scheduled for Friday, barring any unforeseen changes._

Suddenly, I felt faint. I looked up and saw that Seth had arrived. I hadn't even noticed. I couldn't speak, could only hold the paper out to him to take and to read for himself.

Edward.

"Seth," he looked up. "How far away is West Point?"

* * *

Two days later Seth and I drove Alice's borrowed car down the Palisades Parkway towards West Point, which is where the proceedings would be held. Riding Seth's bike was out of the question because of the freezing January air, and anyway, I didn't want to be wind-blown the first time I saw Edward. If I saw him. Would he want to see me? Would I be allowed to?

My nerves had me on edge and I knew I probably wouldn't have made it if Seth hadn't agreed to come with me; I couldn't drive in this state.

When I told Alice what had happened, her shock rivaled mine. Later, she called me back in a panic, telling me how Jasper had known all along but was forced to keep the secret to protect Edward. I calmed her down, convincing her that Jasper hadn't willingly tried to deceive her.

In an immediate follow-up call to Rose and Emmett, they expressed equal astonishment. In fact, Emmett learned later that day from Carlisle that Edward had been at home, upstairs, during their Thanksgiving visit, and that his parents had been concealing Edward for months.

I had no idea what all of the details of the case were, but I knew it was serious and that it had to do with Edward's involvement with this VOLTOR group.

Thinking back on the time we were together, I could almost kick myself for being so blind. When Edward had broken things off, I'd known something was up—even Jasper had suggested, before he'd clammed up, that Edward's issues had something to do with this enigmatic group…but I'd been too hurt and confused to really consider the idea thoroughly. Now, it all made sense…his fear telling me about Iraq…his nightmares…the names he said in his sleep. All of these years, Edward had been carrying around horrible memories that I couldn't even begin to fathom, and no matter what happened between us now, he needed me.

I'd wanted to go to him immediately, but my conversation with Emmett made it clear that Edward was sequestered along with several other witnesses until after the court-marital was complete. Only immediate family members were allowed to see him. I hoped I qualified, but I doubted I did.

I dug my nails into my palms nervously and watched the grey January scenery race by, trying to calm myself with deep breaths. As Edward had taught me.

Calling into work that morning, I'd had the unfortunate experience of having to speak with Tanya. In a clipped tone, she'd informed me that if I failed to appear at nine she'd be forced to replace me.

I thanked her and wished her well on the search for a new candidate.

So now I had no job and no idea what the hell I was walking into. I just hoped that Edward would want me there.

Whether he wanted me or not, I needed him to know that nothing had changed, at least for me, and that I would stand by him, no matter what his testimony revealed.

Like civilian trials, military trials were open to the public but, with this high-profile a case, we'd have to get there early to get a seat. Emmett and Rose had taken the day off as well and were planning on meeting us at the academy, along with Esme and Carlisle.

We arrived just past seven a.m. to find a huge throng of people already gathered in front the somewhat nondescript building where the court-martial was being held. Some of them were reporters but I was surprised at the amount of regular people milling around. Seth parked around the corner and we quickly made our way back to the front of the building. I ran my hands nervously through my hair.

"Stop fidgeting, Bella," Seth muttered.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't help it."

"It's gonna be okay. Seriously. It is."

"I hope so," I said, though I felt incredibly nauseous when I recognized Edward's parents in the crowd. They were standing with Emmett and Rosalie, though Jasper hadn't arrived yet.

Impulsively, I grabbed Seth's hand as we made our way towards them.

"Bella," Esme said, smiling warmly as I approached. Her eyes darted to our hands and I quickly released him, not wanting to give her the wrong idea. "Seth. So glad you're here."

"Bells! So good to see you!" Emmett swooped down and surrounded me in one of his infamous bear hugs. I hadn't seen either he or Rosalie in weeks, and as I glanced over his shoulder I noticed how big she'd gotten…six months pregnant. I couldn't believe it.

"It's good to see you too, Em," I said, choking back emotion. I could feel the tension in his hug…he was scared. From the looks on their faces, so were the rest of the Cullens, though I could tell they were trying to put on a brave front.

After he released me, Jasper finally appeared and the seven of us made our way up to the huge wooden doors that were now the only barrier between Edward and me.

Edward and whatever he faced.

I knew enough from the news and from talking to Rose and Emmett that Edward's involvement in VOLTOR was much more sinister than any of us had known, and that the court-martial was the only thing that could set him free from his past.

At this point my nervousness had reached such an acute state that I all but blacked out…only Seth was guiding me, making sure I didn't stumble. I surely would have, if not for him.

I couldn't tell you whom we saw or what the building even looked like, my eyes searched for one face only…one face…

Only then would I be able to breathe again.

I filed into a row of chairs that was a lot less official looking than I would have imagined. Just in front of us was the table for the prosecution attorney for the Government or JAG attorney, Seth told me. I was sitting in-between him and Rosalie, and she took my right hand as we waited for the proceedings to begin.

My eyes focused on the chair next to the right of the judge's bench…that's where he'd be…

I worried for him, knowing the severity of his anxiety issues…would he be okay?

But I immediately regretted the thought; it would've annoyed Edward.

I surreptitiously glanced at the right side of the room where the defense would be seated…this General Caius. I wanted a good look at him. I wanted to spit in his face. And the others. I hated them all and I didn't even know the whole story…

A short time later, the room had filled to capacity. Soon, official looking men in army regalia appeared—Rose leaned over and whispered, telling me what Emmett had just told her—these were the attorneys. The prosecutor and his assistant, Sergeant Lourde, sat in front of us. The chief prosecutor's name was Alistair French, according to Rose. He was a thin man with black hair and a sallow face; I hoped he was more pleasant than his appearance suggested. Or at least that he was good at his job….

I couldn't get a proper look at the defense attorney.

Since this was a military court, I had no idea how things would proceed, but it was much less glamorous than what I'd seen on TV. The bailiff appeared with the five jurors…I knew enough to know that there were fewer during a court-martial, and that they were all either current or retired members of the military.

Then the judge was announced— General Robert T. Seward. He entered without much fanfare and took the bench. I was surprised to see how young he was; he couldn't have been more than fifty. All of the judges I'd seen on TV were much older. He looked grim, his face expressionless as another bailiff brought out the defendants. They walked right in front of us and I heard Esme's sharp intake of breath a few seats down.

So this was the man.

General Andreas was short and stocky, but he looked like he could more than hold his own in a fight. His face was lined and severe…I could only see his profile but noticed the telltale signs of a smirk there, as if he was considering a private joke. Was that what this was to him? He looked to the side and for a moment, just a moment, I saw his eyes sweep over the room.

They were dark, almost black. They were eyes without pity.

It surprised me to see that he was dressed, not in prison garb, but in his uniform, as were the others. For some reason this made me nervous…would the jury be partial to them? Would they listen to Edward?

What if things went wrong?

The others filed in behind him…a blonde woman who didn't look like more than a girl and two tall men. They passed quickly, not really allowing me a good look. My eyes were once again riveted onto the witness chair.

"Order," Seward loudly declared. "Order."

The dull roar of the courtroom settled into a murmur, which faded into a hush.

"Good morning to all. The court will now convene day two of U.S. vs. Andreas, Phillips, Reuters, and Prokofiev.

"Prosecuting counsel, are you prepared with your first witness?"

French stood. "I am, your Honor."

"You may proceed."

"The prosecution calls Private Edward A. Cullen to the stand."

There was a slight murmur and my heart skipped a beat.

My eyes darted to the defense table and I saw General Andreas's eyes locked on the door to the witness chambers.

It opened and my grip on Rose's hand tightened.

_Edward._

I bit my lip so hard I drew blood. I could taste the salty metallic tang on my tongue, but I didn't care.

He looked so beautiful.

His hair was shorter than it was the last time I'd seen it, and I figured he'd probably trimmed it for the trial. I'd never seen him look so formal as he did now in his dark grey suit and navy blue tie. His demeanor appeared calm as he walked with purpose to the witness stand, sitting down and unbuttoning his jacket. I noticed he was clenching his fist and that his eyes were focused straight ahead.

He was trying to hide it but he was nervous. I could see the muscles clenching in his freshly shaven jaw.

I willed him to look at me, to see me. To see all of us.

He glanced to the defense table and remained for a few beats; I saw his expression harden, a deadly gleam in his eye.

Edward was out for blood and I was glad.

French began moving and that seemed to distract Edward; he looked back towards the prosecutor's table.

And since I was sitting right behind it, he saw me.

_I love you Edward. I love you._

I willed my thoughts through my eyes, the only way I could speak to him. His green eyes lost the hardness they'd had just a second before and my own welled with tears.

We saw each other.

* * *

Glossary:

Article 32 hearing: This is basically the same thing as a preliminary hearing in civilan court.

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**A/N. Last time I forgot to thank you all for getting TCS to 1K reviews! I can't believe it. I never thought I'd get such an amazing response, and I'm truly touched.**

**I love hearing your comments, so let me know what you think. **

**Just to give you some idea where we're headed, we have about four chapters left to go...sniff sniff!  
**


	31. Warrior Three

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight.**

**Thanks to my awesome beta DiamondHeart78! You rock, woman!**

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**Chapter 31: Warrior Three **

EPOV

As I walked into the courtroom and felt all eyes on me, I focused on the goal of getting to the witness stand without having an anxiety attack. For the last few days since the prosecution had announced my impending testimony, I'd been staying at a nearby safe house for sequestered witnesses. None of the people who were testifying were allowed contact with the outside except for close family, which was fine by me. The concern that Caius would use his influence for "intimidation" had faded; insider intelligence indicated once loyal followers were cutting their ties with Caius and with VOLTOR since conviction appeared likely. All of the power that Caius had wielded was based on his seeming invincibility and threatening presence, and of course the promise of money…without those things, he had little to hold people to him. For the greedy, self-interest dictates that one must flee a sinking ship; Laurent had proven enough already.

But that didn't stop us from taking every precaution. My family was being kept under close watch and Caius was in solitary. Alistair thought that the trial might take two weeks…maybe a little longer, and then I'd be free to go… where? To do what? I didn't know. The idea of reopening the Center held little appeal. Not if I didn't have anyone to share it with.

I had to force these thoughts from my head and focus on the task at hand. I knew how today would go down, and it wasn't going to be easy. I'd finally be entirely exposed. But so would Caius.

Once seated, my eyes automatically drifted to the defense table.

There they were, the four of them. Anger the likes of which I'd never felt before welled and gathered inside of me; I could only keep it at bay by digging my nails into my palm, drawing blood. Caius's dead face met mine, his practiced stare designed for intimidation. But I wouldn't let him, not any more. My gaze didn't falter.

A small smirk edged its way up his face—a challenge. He didn't think I had it in me. The last time I'd seen Caius he'd broken my ribs, threatened the lives of my family and me. Today I'd break his…metaphorically of course. I'd take his challenge.

Satisfied that I'd made my intent clear, I looked away. I never wanted to see that fucker again. The others: Jane, Alec, Demetri, sick fucks all—they mattered little to me. I didn't even spare them a glance.

Alistair rose from his chair and I knew what was coming…I'd have to be sworn in…and then the questions would begin. I noticed for the first time that my family sat behind the prosecutor's table. I could just make out Esme behind Sergeant Lourde. And Carlisle, next to the aisle.

Suddenly all the air left the room. My eyes alighted on hers.

_Bella. _

Bella was here. My heart stuttered in my chest.

The intent focus of her eyes made me feel suddenly exposed…vulnerable. I couldn't look away from her, all of the months of our separation rendered meaningless as hope reemerged, taking tentative steps. Her eyes said something; that thread that had always connected us…I could feel it…I could see it. It almost surprised me that it wasn't visible to everyone else, glimmering and twisting in the air.

Our secret.

This meant she had come for me. And I came back to myself, no longer exposed, but stronger because of her, there, with me.

It took me a second to notice that she wasn't alone. Seth sat next to her; he whispered in her ear, rubbing her arm, and a jealousy so powerful it left me breathless, swept through my body. The chord stretched and vanished, leaving me aching, a black hole in my chest.

Through my haze, it registered that someone was speaking. I knew what had to happen, I had to stand.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

I cleared my throat, refocusing on the man in front of me and placing my hand on the Bible I no longer really believed in. But that didn't make my vow less truthful. I would tell the truth for the people whose lives I'd destroyed, and in doing so, hopefully save others.

"I do."

Alistair approached the bench.

"Will you please state your full name for the court?"

"Edward Anthony Cullen."

"Thank you. Will you please tell the court how you first came to be associated with the accused, General Caius Andreas?"

All thoughts of Bella would have to wait. I put them from my mind, intent on the task at hand, because, if I fucked this up, there would be no second chances. Even with Laurent's damming testimony, my own was essential for the case, since his motivations, ethics, and character could be easily used to discredit him.

"General Andreas came to recruit me for Project VOLTOR shortly after a friend of mine was killed in action….a good friend of mine. Private Jacob Black."

"How was he killed?"

"By a remotely detonated explosive device rigged to his truck."

"Do you know how that device came to be there?"

"Yes."

And I told about the sick man who'd come through the checkpoint, how he'd planted the bomb. How it went off when we were driving…how I'd held Jake's bloody remains. I didn't look at my family; it was too painful…the memory replaying in my mind as I related it, still fresh, still so real.

"And so," Alistair continued, "General Andreas suggested that by becoming part of his squadron you might be able to assist in the capture of the men responsible for Private Black's death?"

"Yes."

"I see. And did you receive any special training with VOLTOR to prepare you, a young, inexperienced soldier, for such a covert military operation…"

"Objection!" The lead defense attorney shot up. "Your honor, the question calls for a narrative answer."

"Sustained," Seward agreed. The defense sat down. "Lieutenant French, please directly phrase your questions."

"Thank you, your Honor." French had gone back to the prosecution table to speak quickly with Lourde, but now turned back to me.

"Did you receive specialized training?"

"Yes."

"What kind of training did you receive?"

My eyes glanced to Jane; she looked at me coldly, impassively, but her eyes widened as I began to relay the different "techniques" she'd used to make us impervious to "unorthodox" interrogation methods.

French seemed satisfied, allowing himself a little grin as I finished. I hoped the jury didn't see it.

I braced myself for the next question, knowing what was coming.

He asked about the day of the raid…what happened that night…and I was forced to tell everyone…these strangers, my family, Bella…of my monstrosity.

Alistair's questions led me through it all in gruesome detail… it began with Caius's instructions to take no prisoners and it ended with my finger on the trigger and the smell of fire and fresh blood in the air. It ended with screaming and tears and a horrifying emptiness…the Koran on the floor, sullied by a river of red.

It ended with murder.

Once it was over, I stared straight ahead; the courtroom was silent. I couldn't look at Bella.

"What happened after you killed Aban and Mohammad Hafeez?"

That was the son's name.

"We were debriefed…General Andreas filed a report that claimed self-defense. Nothing happened."

"So an inquiry was never brought forth?"

"No. It was a sealed case."

"You had some disciplinary issues in the army. I have a report here," he said, holding up a file and walking to the Judge's table, "that cites you for drunken and disorderly conduct. For failure to appear for combat duties. Why were you shirking your responsibilities?"

We'd been over this; the defense was most certainly going to use my history against me, so Alistair had decided we'd better deal with the issue openly.

"I was disillusioned. Upset with how things had turned out."

"But, you'd finally killed the men responsible for Private Black's death. Shouldn't you have been pleased? Felt vindicated?"

"I had doubts about the identity of the men I'd killed. I felt something wasn't right."

"What made you think that?"

I told the court of my run in with Nadia in the marketplace…her anger…her hopelessness. The accusation of wrongdoing.

"She said her husband was innocent. That the U.S. government had betrayed him. I…I believed her."

"But this was just the assertion of a grieving widow. Why would you believe her over your commander?"

"I didn't trust General Andreas anymore. I hadn't ever, really."

"But you went along with him. You carried out his orders."

"Yes."

His questions were antagonistic but carefully designed to show honesty. It wasn't a secret that I'd followed the orders because of my personal vendetta for Jacob's death…and hiding it would only give the defense ammunition.

"But you regretted doing so."

"Yes, very much."

"Did you ever receive any other confirmation of your suspicions?"

"Yes. I had a conversation with Colonel Marcus Campbell about two weeks later."

Describing my talk with Marcus that night in Tikrit was painful, but his absence only fueled my need to honor him for his bravery in the face of such a challenge. If it wasn't for Marcus, I certainly wouldn't have been sitting here today.

Or even alive, in all probability.

The silence was deafening as I wound up the questions about my time in Iraq with my last encounter with Caius—the beating and the threats. I heard a gasp and I knew it was Bella's. Even though I wanted nothing more than to look at her I couldn't. I didn't want to see her next to Seth. And what would I find in her eyes? Pity? Revulsion? What would be worse?

"And you believed Colonel Campbell to be dead?"

"At that time, yes. I couldn't fathom he might have lived."

"And did you see him again?"

"Yes."

I'd seen Marcus in the woods that night at Tanglewood, but Bella didn't know this. I wondered what she thought as I described the experience to the court (though I left her name out of it), and then how he had appeared once I was alone again at the Center—the conversation about the new evidence and the impending capture of Caius.

Alistair introduced the photographs that Marcus had shown me that night as evidence after I'd identified them. He questioned me about the plan to capture Caius and how it had gone horribly awry, and finally about Marcus's fateful mission to Pakistan…

Others would corroborate my story, including Colonel Samuel Long, a longtime friend of Marcus who'd been involved in the plans to apprehend the General, so I spoke with conviction and strength.

And as I testified I realized that this was my opportunity to explain to Bella the reasons behind what I'd done. Why I'd broken her heart. Even though it was too late, I still wanted her to know, and this might be the only time I could tell her.

By the time Alistair's examination was finished, I was completely and utterly exhausted. The entire story was out—I felt empty. Completely empty. And I just wanted to sleep.

Now they knew everything that I did. I could only hope it was enough.

A quick glimpse at the watch on my wrist told me four hours had elapsed. Even though it was no longer necessary, I still wore it in homage to Marcus.

Seward banged his gavel and it I was filled with great relief when he ordered lunch recess. I slumped in the chair, all of my energy sapped. The bailiff stood before me to escort me back to the witness chambers to await my cross-examination by the defense that afternoon…something I dreaded.

They were going to try to discredit me because of my PTSD and my OTH discharge, and I knew it would be difficult to maintain my cool.

Standing up, my eyes drifted over his shoulder to rest on my family…and Bella. She was speaking lowly to Esme, not aware that I was watching her. Seth looked at me, giving me a smile and a wave, and I couldn't fucking believe his nerve. My eyes narrowed and he looked taken aback, slowly lowering his hand and cocking his head. He whispered into Bella's ear and she glimpsed over at me, alarmed. Some friend.

Fucker.

Without another glance towards them, I followed the bailiff down the short hall and into the small room where my lunch awaited me; he instructed I'd have about an hour and then be expected back on the stand, as he closed the door behind him, locking it.

I felt like I was the prisoner.

Ignoring the inedible looking sandwich on the table, I sat instead on one of the upholstered chairs that flanked the room, leaning my head back and just closing my eyes. Since I'd moved into my current "living arrangements" I hadn't been sleeping well—my anxiety over the trial coupled with the unfamiliar surroundings didn't exactly make for restful nights. Which felt strange, since I'd actually been sleeping pretty well, for me, when I was at my parent's home.

I laughed to myself, as this seemed to confirm my inevitable future as a shut in.

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, followed by the jostling of keys in the lock. The bailiff poked his head in, indicating that I had a visitor. My heart sped up. Could it be…

My mother.

"Oh Edward," she said, coming to me and enveloping me in a hug I half-heartedly returned. "I'm so proud of you," she whispered in my ear, pulling back. She took a seat next to me and waited for me to respond, but I wasn't exactly in a talkative mood.

"Thanks."

"You did so well, honey. I saw the look on the jury's faces...they were with you Edward. You should have seen the way this one woman looked at that asshole…"

My eyebrow arched upon hearing the expletive—I'd heard Esme swear maybe twice in my entire life.

"Well, that's good, I guess." I sighed, closing my eyes again.

"Edward?" Esme reached out, putting her hand on my knee. Her voice held a question.

"Hmmm?"

"Honey, Bella would like to see you."

I startled at the sound of her name.

"Why?" I scoffed.

"Because she cares about you. Do you want to see her?"

"Not really."

"Edward, I think you should listen to what she has to say."

"I thought only immediate family could visit." I objected lamely.

"Yes, that's true. But they do make exceptions for engaged couples." She smiled sweetly.

"What did you do?" I groaned loudly, head in hands, trying to tamp down the excited jolt hearing those words sent through me. The thought of being engaged to Bella thrilled me more than it should given the circumstances. How could I deal with all of this on top of the onslaught that was surely coming this afternoon…I'd crack. The defense wouldn't have to do much to prove I was crazy; I'd do it myself.

Esme stood, patting my knee. "I'm going to send her in, Edward. I think you'll like what she has to say." I heard the door open and close quietly.

No longer left a choice, I sat frozen waiting for Bella…unable to believe that after four months apart, in just a few seconds she'd be in the same room with me. Now she knew everything…and she had a new boyfriend. What would it be like to speak with her again, maybe for the last time?

But Esme's enigmatic statement had me wondering what she meant.

The seconds were interminable…they dragged on…I could hear the ticking of my watch in the silence.

Then, the door pushed open and Bella slipped inside, closing it behind her. I stood up immediately, completely undone by just the sight of her. Her face was flushed and her eyes bright as they settled on me. She must have been outside; I could smell the cool January air on her clothes as she closed the distance between us, stopping just a foot away. It mixed with her signature cognac and strawberry scent. She was so close I could reach out and touch her-a dream and a nightmare at the same time. Bella was no longer mine. I took a step backwards, not trusting myself to be this close to her without embracing her, but she stepped forward, equalizing our distance once again.

Neither of us had spoken.

"Edward," she breathed, her eyes filling with tears.

"Don't…" I choked back hoarsely, willing myself to look away. I couldn't bear the sight of her tears and I didn't know what they meant.

"Edward." She said again, and before I knew it she was against me, her arms seeking as she grasped me with force. I responded instantly, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her tight...if I could just have this one moment…this one moment to remember. I breathed deeply, inhaling the cold and sweet of her, allowing myself the indulgence of nestling my face in her soft silky hair. I shuddered, all of my senses overwhelmed as I reveled in her feel, trying desperately to imprint this moment in my memory…that she was safe…that she didn't hate me…that I'd seen her once again.

A small sound, a whimper, escaped her lips and I realized she was crying. I stroked her head softly as hot tears soaked into my shirt, and I didn't care that my heart was breaking. I just didn't want her to cry anymore.

"I wish you could have told me," she whispered.

"I couldn't."

Her head lifted after a minute, our faces just inches apart and I saw that she had changed. She looked older…she looked so beautiful, her lips and cheeks pink from the cold. They were just begging me to kiss them…

What the hell was I thinking? I couldn't be swept away now…to kiss her would be a terrible thing for us both. I pulled away, gently disengaging from her grasp.

Her expression registered hurt. Well, what did she expect? Did she want me to kiss her with Seth most likely right outside?

"Bella…" I said, my voice soft. "I…can't do this…"

"So…you don't want me anymore." She said this almost to herself, as if coming to a realization…I didn't understand what she meant. Of course I did, but wasn't that beside the point?

Or maybe…

"I'm sorry…I shouldn't have come…" she said, turning to go, her features crumpling again into tears and I could have kicked myself for being such an asshole.

"Wait!" I exclaimed, alarmed that she was actually going before I had the chance to figure out what was going on. She stopped and allowed me to approach, my hand resting tentatively on the back of her neck as she turned back.

"Bella," I asked, needing to know the truth though my guts clenched, "Please, just tell me. Are you with Seth?"

She looked up at me, her eyes widening.

"Edward…." she bit her lip, looking a little unsure. My heart sank. "Edward. I'm NOT with Seth. Seth's…he's GAY," she said forcefully.

I looked at her, unable to say anything. She smiled a small smile, waiting for my response. Relief. Shock. Fucking elation didn't begin to describe how her words registered in my mind. I'd known Seth my whole life and I couldn't believe I'd never figured it out. Not that it mattered to me; it was just unexpected.

But that was the least of my concerns right now. That revelation could wait.

"Yeah…I know…he hasn't really told anyone except for me and Leah. Coming out of the closet and everything is tough for him. He knows you don't know and I probably shouldn't have told you but he said today that you gave him a look and that he thought maybe that you thought that we were together but I couldn't believe you'd think that after everything and so I just thought…" She was flustered, looking around the room, her eyes evading me.

I stopped her incoherent babbling, pulling her to me once again and sealing her mouth with mine. Her lips responded instantly, parting gently and allowing me access, the sweetness of her breath washing over me. And I felt like I had died and fucking gone to heaven. I kissed her with all of the tenderness and passion and love I felt for her, this woman, who was here with me after everything she'd heard…after the way I'd treated her, cut her out of my life…this clearly foolish woman who was the strongest and most wonderful person I'd ever known.

"Thank God. The thought of you… I couldn't bear it…seeing you today…thinking you were with him…" I managed between kisses.

"I've missed you so much," she gasped, breaking away for a second. "I missed you so fucking much…"

"God you have no idea, Bella. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry." I repeated my apology again and again, but it all seemed inadequate. Still, it was all I had.

Her eyes were deep, residual sadness still lurking there. I caressed the side of her face, kissing the places I loved—her cheeks, temple, the soft cleft of her upper lip.

"I just need to know…" she said, still somehow magically in the room with me, letting me do this, feel her under my hands and with my lips.

"Anything," I murmured, running my hands through her hair as I brought my lips to hers once again.

She pulled back, her eyes searching mine. I needed to focus on her question.

"Was this…the trial…was that the only reason?" Her eyes drifted away. I heard the fear in her voice.

It hurt me that she still didn't know, still didn't understand the depth of my feeling for her.

I took her head between my hands, willing her back to me.

"Bella," I began, "Being apart from you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do—the most painful thing. Of course it was the only reason. I couldn't bear the thought of anyone hurting you…I didn't see any other way. But it killed me. Don't you see, silly girl?"

I paused, searching for the right words but nothing seemed to fit. There was only this truth that language could never express.

"I've only ever loved one person and that's you. And I'll never love anyone again, except for you."

Her eyes lit up as she smiled, a tiny dimple forming on her left cheek that I'd never noticed before. I kissed it, and then drew her mouth back to me again. She sought me eagerly this time, her tongue sliding into my mouth and causing me to groan as her breasts crushed against my chest. I hardened instantly, intoxicated by her nearness after so long apart. She ran her hands through my hair, pulling me closer still, and God if I wasn't about five seconds from fucking her right here in the witness room. Instantly I remembered the camera I'd noticed earlier that morning—the one that was most certainly monitoring our…activities.

"Bella…" I gasped, forcing myself to break our connection. "Camera," I gestured with my head, unwilling to unwrap my arms from her for even a second.

"Ohh," she giggled. "Well, it's kinda appropriate given our history."

I laughed, thinking about Tanglewood, and the fact that now Bella knew that Marcus had seen the entire thing. The relief that it brought was indescribable. I hadn't laughed and meant it in so long…since Bella left for New York, to be exact. I felt…giddy.

She smiled, touching my face. "I love you, you know."

"We have a lot to talk about," I said, kissing the pulse point at her wrist and drawing her over towards the chairs.

"Yes, I know."

"But not now. Now, I just need to hold you," I sat, pulling her so that she fell into my lap. Undoubtedly she felt my still very present erection, but that wasn't what this was about. That didn't stop me from groaning when she shifted.

Bella's arms hung around my neck as she nestled into me, curling her legs up so that I could wrap my arms around her small frame. Perfect.

"Edward…" she said, breaking the silence of my reverie.

"Hmmm?" I murmured as I ghosted her cheek with my nose.

"Don't ever leave me again." Her words were so small…so unsure. "When I thought you had gone…I…I can't go through that again."

"Never. Never. I promise." How could I make her see how much she meant to me? How I wanted that very same thing?

Only with time.

"I'll be with you as long as you want me," I said honestly. I couldn't imagine one more day without her. I stroked her hair and our breathing settled into rhythm. I had never felt so content.

"What…was it like for you?"

I sighed, not really wanting to remember. I certainly didn't want to tell her about my drinking, the despair…it made me feel weak. I would have to tell her…but not now.

Really only one word came to mind. "Lost."

"Hmm…for me too."

"I don't want to think about that now," I admitted.

"Me neither."

The minutes ticked too quickly.

After a while Bella spoke again. "Do you know what your mother told them to let me in here?"

I smiled and nodded, kissing her. Fiancé. It had a nice ring to it.

"My mother is apparently an incredibly devious woman," I joked, "I never knew it until recently."

"I'm glad she thinks so well on her feet."

"Me too." Glad didn't begin to express it. Esme knew this would happen…I'd have to thank her. Even though I'd never told her I'd overheard the Thanksgiving conversation, my mother was pretty perceptive. It wouldn't surprise me if she knew I'd been eavesdropping that night.

We talked quietly, whispering small, inconsequential things to each other as we studiously avoided the most pressing subjects—the trial, my history, our time apart. Those things would still be there…but now we only had a few stolen minutes, and neither of us wanted to waste them.

All too soon, there was a knock at the door. Bella quickly scrambled off of my lap and I instantly missed her. I hated the fact that I didn't know when I'd see her alone again…

The cross-examination, so gladly put out of my mind, was now imminent, and my nerves returned. My eternal pessimism wouldn't let me shake the feeling that something would go wrong, now that everything I wanted was seemingly in my grasp. I stood, pulling Bella into my arms for one final kiss.

"I love you, Edward," she affirmed, disentangling herself as the bailiff entered. He nodded at her and I begrudgingly released her hand, holding on until just the last moment when our fingertips disconnected. "I'll be waiting for you."

I watched her walk away and then took a second to re-arrange my mussed hair and suit. My pants were wrinkled from where Bella had sat, but this strangely cheered me. It was proof that what just happened was real…and I could get through this next hurdle, knowing she was waiting for me.

Alistair entered, giving me a sideways glance. "Alright," he said. "Time to face the music."

* * *

Glossary:

OTH Discharge: Discharge Under Other than Honorable Circumstances: Given when the member's behavior fails to conform to the standards expected by Military Services. This is the type that Edward received because of his behavior after Jacob's death. Once discharged, soldiers do not retain rank.

* * *

**A/N: Sooo... You happy now? Was she too easy on him? Let me know what you think!**


	32. Lion

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. **

**A/N: Thanks to my awesome beta DiamondHeart78—where would I be without her? **

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**Chapter 32: Lion**

BPOV

I had difficulty following the bailiff back out into the courtroom because I kept turning to look back at the door I'd just exited…Edward was on the other side…I touched my lips, still sensitive from his kisses. It was real. He still loved me. I was full.

I could barely comprehend what had just happened, but right now it felt like the best thing. The best thing that had ever happened to me.

Seeing him again…nothing had changed, except it had. The same love, but stronger.

He worried that I hadn't forgiven him, felt guilty for what he'd put me through. But my own troubles seemed insignificant compared to Edward's. I could barely consider how close he'd come to death without breaking down—nothing anyone could have told me would have prepared me for Edward's testimony. The horrors he'd endured. And I knew he felt guilty…so guilty for what he'd done. What he didn't understand was no one could hate him, not knowing the whole story. I could never hate him. Suddenly it was all clear…why he had hidden away, the yoga…even the celibacy. I had a feeling it had something to do with his guilt over the men he'd killed.

"Bella, are you okay?" Seth looked concerned as I rejoined him and the others.

"Yeah, I'm good." My voice echoed softly and strangely in my ears. Esme glanced over at us and I gave her a smile and a nod, indicating her genius plan had worked. She grinned back, whispering to Carlisle. He looked up and gave me a shy smile—an expression that reminded me of Edward.

Rose joined us, squeezing her round frame around Emmett, who was locked in intense conversation with his father.

"What happened, Bella?"

Looking into my friends' concerned faces, I didn't know what to say. What happened? Strangely, I didn't want to share it. But of course they wouldn't let me off easily. Rose's hands had already settled on her hips.

"Everything," I whispered, smiling to myself. The room hummed with anticipation.

In just a few minutes Edward would be facing what was sure to be an antagonistic cross-examination. He hadn't told me he was nervous but I knew he was…I could tell by the way he held me…the reluctance with which he released my hand. I hated that I'd had to leave him…

"So, did you explain? Was I right?" Seth was wondering if he'd been correct about Edward's jealousy; his observation in the courtroom an hour before had instigated a string of revelations. Apparently, all of the Cullens, Edward included, had believed Seth and I were an item. Thinking back on it all, I couldn't blame them. We had been together an awful lot, and he was a cute guy…I had thought he was interested in me at one time too.

"He…understands now. Seth," I turned to him, finally breaking out of my reverie. "I'm sorry I had to tell him…I didn't see any other way. Are...you okay with that?"

"It's about time I started telling people, Bella. I'm fine. Honestly. Was…was he weird about it?"

"About what? You being gay? No! Honestly, Seth," I blushed, "we didn't talk much about it…he was so happy…that we weren't…"

"Bella," Rose interrupted. "This is all my fucking fault. I never should have said anything to Esme and Carlisle. I just didn't know…I thought…And Seth…I'm sorry…I…"

"Don't worry about it," Seth assured her. "It's understandable."

"Rose, it's fine; everything's okay now." I agreed. "This can wait till after the trial. Edward needs us now."

"You're right," she said, rubbing my arm. "So…I take it from that insanely pleased look on your face that you guys are gonna be okay?"

"I think we are."

Seconds later, the bailiff reappeared with the defendants and the courtroom buzzed. I turned around just as Caius was being led by…I glared at him but I don't think he noticed me. The woman…Jane…the one who had basically tortured Edward, passed next, a simper on her strangely angelic face. Evil bitch. The other two men, Demetri and Alec, now that I saw them up close, could've passed for brothers. They both sported military crew cuts and were of similar heights and builds…yet, while Demetri, Jane, and Caius all appeared strangely calm, and even confident, Alec looked scared.

This gave me hope.

Judge Seward emerged from his chambers, casting a glower over the courtroom, which soon settled down. He certainly didn't appear to be the most amicable man, but so far he'd been nothing but reasonable. We had reseated ourselves, and I took Seth's hand, needing his comfort once again. Somewhere in my brain I made a note to do something spectacular for Seth once this ended…he deserved it for being my rock.

"Order, Order. Court is now in session," he announced with a rap of his gavel.

Even though I'd seen him only minutes before, Edward's entrance set my heart racing again. His green eyes glanced over to me as he took the stand again, just a hint of a smile playing around his lips. I smiled at him, willing him the strength to continue. He could do this. I had faith in him.

Once Edward was re-seated, the head defense attorney, Major Riley Beers, stood and approached the stand. He was young and fit and, in other circumstances, perhaps might have been considered handsome. But now he represented the enemy.

"Mr. Cullen," he began. "Where were you on the night of December 24th, 2005?"

Edward shifted a bit in his seat before answering. His voice was low but clear. "Winstead Treatment Center, in Utica."

"Hmm…I see…" Beers pondered unnecessarily. "And what exactly were you being treated for, Mr. Cullen?"

"Symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."

"Anything else?"

"I was also treated for substance abuse."

"Drugs?"

"Alcohol."

This news wasn't surprising, since Edward had already told me about his time at Winstead after the fiasco with Carlisle and Jake's letter at the Center. But he insisted he wasn't an alcoholic. I had my doubts about this—and that was exactly what Beers was attempting to instill in the jury. Doubt about Edward's credibility.

"Do you consider yourself an alcoholic, Mr. Cullen?"

"No. I'm not an alcoholic."

Beer smiled indulgently, patronizingly. And suddenly he was the ugliest man I'd ever seen.

"Did you voluntarily admit yourself to the treatment center, Mr. Cullen?"

Edward's eyes flashed. "No."

"Were you committed?" Beers asked the question softly, clearly trying to give off a sympathetic air. It was all an act.

French shot up. "Objection, your honor. Defense's question is immaterial."

"Overruled," Seward declared. "Mr. Cullen, please answer the question."

_Shit._

"Yes." Edward admitted. "I was."

"Who committed you?"

"My father."

"Your father is by profession a psychiatrist, is he not?"

Edward cleared his throat. "He is."

"And he felt that you needed to be admitted for treatment?"

French was on his feet again. "Objection. Defense is leading the witness."

"Sustained," Seward agreed, turning to address Beers to rephrase. Yet the damage of course was already done.

"Why did your father feel the need to admit you?"

Edward looked at him directly. So far he was doing well, keeping his cool despite the defense's attempts to rattle him. But still the tension was so thick I could barely watch.

"I was going through a difficult time. I was afraid for my life and the lives of my family and I had no one to turn to. I'd just returned from participating in an unjust military operation where I'd killed innocent men and indirectly resulted in an innocent woman's death. I saw my best friend blown to pieces and held his bloody body in my arms as he died. Yes, I used alcohol. It was the only thing that made me forget. Carlisle found me and recognized that I needed help, even if I didn't at the time. He saved my life."

My heart swelled with pride at Edward's strong answer.

"So you admit you needed help?"

Shit.

Edward glanced nervously, aware that his words were being used against him. "Yes. For the PTSD."

"But not for the alcoholism?"

"I've never been addicted to alcohol. I may have improperly used it."

"Yet you were discharged from the army for, among other things, on-duty drunkenness. And you were admitted to the hospital because your father feared for your life, because of your alcohol use. Yet you insist you are not an alcoholic. Does this..."

"Objection!" French stood up, cutting off Beers, clearly furious. "Defense is misstating the evidence!"

"Sustained," Seward eyed Beers warily.

"Apologies, your honor." His response dripped with misleading sincerity.

"Mr. Cullen. Do you have a problem with alcohol?"

"I have misused it in the past." Edward said, a little less certainly. He glanced over at us, ashamed, and I caught his eyes. _Stay strong, baby._

"Mr. Cullen. You testified that on the night of August 3rd that you thought you saw Colonel Marcus Campbell at a Tanglewood Music Event. Why were you unsure it was him?"

"It was dark. He was far away. I only caught a momentary glimpse. And of course I thought it was impossible. I was sure he was dead."

"So, it's safe to say you thought your eyes were playing tricks on you?"

French nearly leapt from the table with his next objection, which, unfortunately, was overruled.

"I couldn't be sure it was him. But later, when we spoke, he confirmed it."

"But that night, you thought perhaps you hadn't seen correctly?"

"Yes."

"Mr. Cullen. Have you ever had flashbacks?"

The courtroom was so silent, waiting on Edward's answer. I knew he had and it enraged me that Beers was using Edward's disorder—a disorder that his clients initiated—against him. I just hoped the jury wasn't fooled by Beers's treachery.

"Yes."

"What kind of flashbacks do you have?"

"I don't have them anymore," Edward insisted.

"But you have in the past."

"Yes." He was getting frustrated now, and I could see the color in his cheeks. But this was just what Beers wanted—to prove that Edward was unstable, untrustworthy…even though the evidence was stacked against the defense, discrediting Edward would be a serious blow to the prosecution.

"And during these flashbacks, you see things that aren't there?" Beers leaned in for the kill.

Edward was silent, his brow furrowed as he considered his response.

After a minute Judge Seward instructed him to answer the question.

"In the past," he emphasized, "when I had flashbacks, yes, I saw things that weren't there…but I also knew instantly I was having a flashback. I know the difference between reality and fantasy, Major Beers. And what I saw that night was not fantasy. What happened to me was not fantasy. What happened to Colonel Campbell and all of the others was not fantasy. The only thing that's fantastical here is your clients' profession of innocence."

Edward sat back in his chair, reveling in Beers' shocked expression. He had spoken so authoritatively. How could there be room for doubt? I was so fucking proud of him in that moment; I glanced at Seth and couldn't help but giggle when he gave a covert fist pump.

Seward looked between the two men, then addressed the court stenographer. "Strike Mr. Cullen's last sentence from the record." Turning to the jury he added, "The jury will disregard the witness's last statement."

Even so, Edward's reply had damaged the defense's tactics. For the first time since the questioning began, I breathed more easily.

"No further questions, your honor." I watched Beers as he walked back to his table. I could just barely make out Caius's expression…he was angry. Very angry. And I knew that was a good sign.

"The witness is excused," Seward indicated. Apparently the prosecution felt he'd done so well he didn't need another cross-examination. Edward stood up, the only indicator of his nervousness the tight grip of his hand on the witness stand as he exited. I wanted to run and throw my arms around him, so great was my relief.

A glance to my right told me the Cullens felt the same way.

Seward excused the court for the day…tomorrow would bring Laurent's testimony for the prosecution. The room was alive again as people stood and began making their way out of the room. Seth raised his eyebrows at me, motioning with his head for us to leave. I stood and followed Edward's family and Jasper out into the cold late January afternoon.

Esme had told me that Edward was staying at a safe house about ten minutes away from the academy. Because the witnesses were sequestered, he wouldn't be appearing back in court until the verdict was delivered, at least two weeks from now. There was no way I was waiting that long to see him again.

The cold air was bitter and I wrapped my arms around me for warmth; Seth handed me gloves I'd forgotten I had. We stood together at the top of the steps, avoiding the curious throng of press who flashed their cameras in our direction. More than one attempted to approach, but Emmett's hulking form kept them at bay.

"Wow. That was…intense," Emmett sighed, wrapping his arm around Rose and kissing her head. Her hands went instinctively to her belly, rubbing it gently.

"That's an understatement," Jasper commented.

"I think Edward did great. He really stayed calm even during the most difficult questions. I couldn't have done the same," Rose ventured.

"He was amazing," Seth agreed, "But I really wanted to punch that Riley Beers in the nose, though."

"Me too."

Everyone looked at me.

"Bella, dear," Esme said, pulling me aside, "won't you and Seth stay and have dinner with Carlisle and me? We'd love to have some company—they have a guard watching over us, which is a little over-the-top if you ask me, but if you don't mind that..."

"Umm…I kinda have to get back," Seth reluctantly acknowledged, overhearing our conversation. I knew he had school the next day and probably had work to do; he'd done enough for me already. Still, the thought of leaving without trying to see Edward was awful. But we also had Alice's car. _Shit._

Carlisle approached us, rubbing his wife's arm lightly. "Esme, we should get going...the press isn't going to hold back much longer. And it's cold. Bella, what do you say? Are you coming with us?"

I looked between them and Seth…I wanted to stay. "I would love to…but I won't have a ride back home."

"Well, I'm sure we can think of something," Esme said, looking pointedly at Carlisle.

"I'm sure," he agreed.

"Bella," Rose tugged on my sleeve and I turned around. She, Emmett, and Jasper were headed back to the city since they all had to work in the morning. I hadn't told any of them I'd quit mine at Denali, and this wasn't the time or place for that. All I knew was I wanted to stay with Edward's parents…to be close to him.

"I'm gonna stay with Esme and Carlisle," I told her.

"Really? Do you have clothes or anything?" Hmm…hadn't thought of that one. I looked down at what I was wearing. All I had was what was on my back. "Where are you gonna stay—their hotel?"

"Rose…" I whispered, trying to get her to lower her voice. "I want to try and see Edward."

"I don't think he can have visitors, Bella."

"Maybe…but maybe…" I didn't really have an argument for her...she was right, after all. But I felt like he needed me…I stood indecisively on the stairs.

"Bella," Carlisle interrupted us. He'd obviously overheard. "Esme and I were discussing it and we think that it might be possible for you to see Edward, if you'd like."

"YES!" My enthusiasm startled him a bit. Rose quirked her eyebrow and I tried to restrain myself. "I mean…if you think I could…that would be amazing. I really would like that."

Carlisle smiled warmly, nodding his head. "So. It's all settled then. Bella, you come with us now and have dinner and then we'll see what we can do about seeing Edward."

"That's a wonderful idea," Esme concurred. "You know, why don't I go speak to Sergeant Lourde before he leaves?"

"So, it's all settled, isn't it?" Seth interrupted, throwing his arm around my neck and whispering in my ear. "Looks like someone's getting lucky tonight."

I elbowed him in the ribs and blushed furiously, hoping to God that the Cullens hadn't heard him. If they did, they were very good about pretending. Luckily Esme was already making her way back to the courthouse to find the sergeant.

Rose, Emmett and Jasper said their goodbyes and I hugged them all, promising to call them and give them a report if I got the chance to see Edward. Seth was the last to go; he felt bad about leaving but I assured him I was fine. He promised to pick me up the following evening if Alice would let him borrow her car again.

A fluttering warmth developed in my belly as I realized the implications of all of this—I was staying the night. Maybe with Edward.

Esme returned and the three of us headed towards their car; only then did I notice that there really was a guard trailing us. A tall man dressed in civilian clothes and sporting a military crew cut followed at a distance. I shivered, but not from the cold; his appearance unnerved me, since it confirmed the threat was still present. And this was what Edward had been dealing with, alone, for so many years. I couldn't believe he was still sane, honestly. Even though he had PTSD, he'd managed to hold himself together, to protect his whole family, and me, all the while carrying the burden of his experiences.

_You're a fucking coward._ My words came back to haunt me, making me cringe. I wished I could take them back, knowing how they must have wounded him in that moment when he was so vulnerable. I had to make things right.

Esme startled me out of my reverie to indicate I could take the front, but I protested, climbing into the back seat of the black sedan. She hadn't said anything about her conversation with Sergeant Lourde and I was dying to know if he'd assented or not…my hopes were already too high.

"Bella, we thought we'd just go back to our hotel for dinner if that's alright," Carlisle glanced at me in the rearview.

"Sounds good to me," I said lamely.

Esme turned around and reached out her hand with a warm, mothering smile. I took it, squeezing gently. Her willingness to help Edward, to go to bat for both of us, choked me up. I gave her a watery smile in return.

"And how are you holding up?" she asked.

I was afraid to speak, knowing that if I did the tears would come. "I…I'm overwhelmed, I guess." A few stray tears fell and I released her hand, wiping them away quickly.

"That's understandable. This whole situation is unreal, isn't it?"

"I just feel so helpless…you know? The last couple of days I've gone from thinking I'd never even see Edward again to…well…" I blushed. I didn't even know our current status, but one thing was for sure. We wanted to be together.

Esme murmured empathetically. "Well, I do have some good news for you, sweetie. Sergeant Lourde agreed to your visit. Edward is just finishing up with the lawyers, so he'll be done by the time we eat…they're going to send an escort to pick you up in about an hour. How does that sound?"

It sounded fucking fantastic. I nodded furiously, unable to speak as more tears pooled in my eyes. Even though I couldn't wait to see Edward, I wanted to take advantage of this time with his parents.

"Esme…I was wondering. How has he been, you know, these past few months? I mean, I was so worried and…" Hurt. Devastated. But she didn't need to hear all that now.

It surprised me when Carlisle spoke, since he'd remained so silent I almost forgot he was here. "Edward's been doing really well, Bella. Better than I expected, but that's saying more about my lack of faith than anything else." His answer surprised me…clearly something had shifted in their relationship. Perhaps the time together had instigated reconciliation.

"Of course that's not to say that he hasn't been deeply troubled by all of this," he continued. "But he's dealing with it in a productive way. I don't want to say too much, but I think, if you ask him, he'll tell you." I admired Carlisle for keeping Edward's confidence even though I desperately wanted more details. That should come from Edward, he was right.

"He thought I was with Seth…I can't imagine…"

"Edward loves you, Bella." Esme said simply, turning back to me. "You're his missing piece."

Even though I barely knew them, I felt completely at ease with Esme and Carlisle at dinner. The three of us settled into a booth at the hotel's somewhat depressing restaurant a few tables away from our "escort." I ordered a veggie burger and fries, suddenly famished.

When the food was brought out, Esme looked at me thoughtfully. "And are you a vegetarian, Bella?" I glanced down at my veggie patty…I hadn't thought about it, but in the past few months I'd been eating less and less meat. Was it the result of my renewed yoga practice? Or something to do with Edward? I shrugged.

"Not really…I guess…" She beamed at me, launching into some anecdotes about her recent attempts at vegetarian cooking. "I understand vegetables," she concluded. "But according to my son, I "should stay away from anything tofu-related."

I laughed. "I can't believe he said that to you."

Carlisle grimaced. "Why? He was right!"

Esme gave him a scolding look and he smirked, looking so much like Edward my breath caught. I saw him take her hand under the table. After nearly thirty years of marriage, they were still so in love with each other. Would it be that way for Edward and I? Would we eventually go down that path? At that moment I realized how much I wanted it…a family, a marriage, with him.

Our conversation took a more serious turn as we discussed the trial in some detail. They reassured me that the prosecution had an airtight case against Caius and the rest of VOLTOR. Even if Beers had to some extent drawn Edward's testimony into question, that wouldn't be enough to spare his clients' conviction. I felt a little lighter, not even noticing that an hour had elapsed until the guard approached our table. Apparently, it was time for me to go. I thanked Esme and Carlisle and stood up quickly, promising to give them a call once I knew what was going on.

My nerves returned as I followed the guard out into the night, climbing into the back seat of an unmarked car. I closed my eyes and settled against the dark leather seat, willing my breathing to calm…I almost felt faint. It was incredible, and somewhat embarrassing, honestly, how just the thought of seeing Edward affected me.

A few minutes later we pulled up to a modest brick apartment complex. The guard opened my door and helped me out, which I was thankful for since my legs were wobbly. Snow had begun to fall; it was illuminated in the streetlights, already coating the frozen ground. In a time-honored Bella tradition, I tilted my head back, allowing some of the flakes to fall on my tongue. The guard chuckled at me and I looked at him sheepishly. We approached the building and I looked up, noticing a light in a window on the third floor and the slight rustle of a curtain. I wondered if that was Edward's room.

We entered and climbed the stairs, and I followed my escort down the hall to a room with another guard stationed outside. He greeted us and I stood nervously to the side as he stood and knocked. The door opened immediately and my eyes took in Edward, still clad in the suit he'd worn to court, with his tie loosened and top buttons undone, revealing his collarbone and a hint of chest hair. His hair was a mess; clearly he'd been tugging at it…and I had the undeniable urge to do the same. Warmth radiated through my body as his serious green eyes met mine and he reached out his hand. I thanked the guard who'd brought me and followed Edward into the small room, the door closing behind us.

The room was small and sparsely furnished; it reminded me of the rooms at the Center, only this one had a twin-sized bed and a TV. I was surprised to find it on, and tuned to the Cartoon Network no less. Edward noticed my gaze and smiled shyly, hitting power to leave us in silence.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi."

I sighed with relief as he drew me to him and we wrapped our arms around each other tightly, not even a millimeter of space between us. He kissed my hair, his right hand fingering a curl on my shoulder.

"How did it taste?"

"Hmm?" I murmured into his shirt, not understanding.

"The snow."

"Oh!" I laughed. "So you saw that!"

"I saw that." He murmured. "Something you do often, Ms. Swan?"

"I can't help it. Childhood imprinting."

"I must confess that the sight did something to me…" He pressed his body more tightly against mine and I felt exactly what it had done. I inhaled sharply, despite my own need for him, I didn't know if this was where we should be headed so soon. But then Edward raised my head and kissed me softly, and my trepidation disappeared.

His lips were soft and warm, so familiar, so tender, as he asked for entry. I granted it, allowing is tongue to move with mine. He tasted of mint tea and Edward and I sighed, my hands seeking his head to draw him closer.

I broke away after a minute, breathless. His eyes were hooded with desire and he bit his lower lip, making me want to bite it too. Focus Bella. Focus.

"Are you okay?" I asked, my eyes searching his for truth.

"I am now," he murmured, fiddling with the buttons of the coat I'd forgotten I was wearing. I stepped back to divest myself of it, throwing it onto a nearby armchair. When I turned around Edward was sitting on the bed, his arousal and uncertainty painfully obvious. I went to him and wrapped my arms around him, and he sighed, leaning into my touch.

"I knew you were there…and that made it better…somehow."

"It did?"

He nodded. "You have no idea how much I wanted to just stand up and punch Riley Beers in the jaw…"

"Actually, I think I do," I confessed. "Your whole family felt the same way. Damn, that guy was an asshole."

"I kept telling myself that he was just doing his job, but I think he takes pleasure in it…making people suffer. Just like them. Like Caius."

"I think you're right. But you did so well, Edward. I was so proud of you."

"Thanks. But I wonder how the jury feels." His voice held a dark edge.

"If the jury couldn't see what he was trying to do…his tactics…they're blind, Edward. It was clear what was going on. The Defense is desperate—they know they don't have a chance in hell."

"You're probably right. But I…couldn't help but feel…" He drifted off. "What did you think, Bella? Now that you know…is there any way…"

I hated to see him struggling so I ended it. "I think you're the bravest and best man I've ever known. I'm so sorry about what I said, Edward….that night. I called you a coward and that was the meanest thing I've ever done. I shouldn't have said that…even in my anger…I didn't believe it."

"No," he smiled sadly, cupping my face with his hand. "I deserved it. You were hurt."

"You didn't deserve it! You didn't deserve any of this! This is so fucking unfair!" I was getting angry now, enraged at the whole situation. The cruelty of the world.

"Bella…" Edward began… "Do you remember what you once told me…when we were in the meadow? You said…that if this hadn't happened…all of this…Iraq, Jake…that we never would have met. I would have gone to med school, never opened the Center. I never would have known you.

"And that thought makes it all worth it. Everything. Because now you're here with me. And you're mine."

I had forgotten about that conversation in the meadow after he'd gotten Jake's letter. I smiled into his shoulder, remembering the sadness and the beauty of that day.

"Are you?"

"What?"

He looked at me seriously. "Are you mine? Please say yes."

"Edward, of course I'm yours. Of course. Didn't we cover this earlier today?" I said, teasingly.

"I just needed to hear it again. After…" I knew why…he felt maybe that something that he'd said on the stand had changed my mind.

"I understand, baby. I think, if there's one thing maybe we've learned…well…one of many things…is that we need to be honest with one another…we need to talk about how we feel…because I don't think we were doing that, even before we broke up."

He looked at me, uncomprehending. A flash of fear crossed his face and I hurried to correct it, to make him understand what I meant. That meant I'd have to put myself out there.

"Edward, when I left after the wedding…I really wanted to stay. I wanted you to ask me. I would have stayed with you…but I felt embarrassed…like it was too soon. I didn't know how you felt. And I was afraid to ask you." I watched his face carefully, his eyes widening at my revelation.

"I wanted you to stay, Bella. I didn't ever want you to leave…but I felt like you'd be missing out on something…on a better life…a job…I didn't want you to resent me."

"Well, just to let you know, that job? The one at Denali? I hated it. I quit today, actually."

"You did what!"

"Yep, couldn't take it anymore. That Tanya is a right bitch."

Edward sighed in exasperation. "God, what did she do?"

"Honestly, I'd rather tell you another time. I'm happy right now and I don't want to spoil it."

"Fair enough," he agreed, though he still looked concerned. "I love you, Bella," he said softly. "I want to know everything that you want to tell me."

"I love you, Edward," I said, kissing him hard, with all of the force of the emotion I felt. He needed that reassurance, just as I did.

"So much." he murmured. Our bodies shifted on the small bed and suddenly I found myself lying on my back with Edward hovering above, his lips searching mine, his hands on my face, then running over my clothed body.

I moaned when I felt his erection pressed into my thigh, all of the desire rushing back until I was a mass of want and need underneath him. Our kisses became more fervent and soon we were grinding against each other. I felt the slickness between my legs and I knew I wouldn't deny him or myself this much-needed moment of intimacy.

"I love you, Bella. Please, let me show you how much," he whispered.

There was one thing that was bothering me…the detail right outside the door. "But the guard…"

"Well, then we'll have to be quiet…can you be quiet, baby?" His eyes were so desperate, so earnest, his words destroying the last of my resistance.

"I…I…ungh…" I moaned softly as his hand began a slow ascent up my shirt to tease my hardening nipple over the thin material of my lace bra. He cupped my breast in his hand, feeling for the front closure. "I can try."

"That's good enough for me," he growled, finally freeing my breasts and tracing his fingers over them, as our mouths found each other again. I could feel the urgency, built up from months of sadness and longing, under my skin…under his. Suddenly, I was irritated with all of the clothing still constricting our movements. I sat up, discarding my shirt and bra to and wriggling out of my bottoms as Edward did the same, both of us frantic to be close again. He grabbed me from behind and I almost squealed as he flipped me over, laying me on the bed once again, now naked and flushed and a little breathless.

"Bella, I couldn't bear it," There was pain in his voice, just barely disguised by desire. "Being apart from you. You don't know how many times I thought of this," he murmured, dipping his hand between my legs and cupping my sex as he lowered his head and flicked his tongue over my nipple. "How many times I fantasized about you…your taste…I love your fucking taste. I would get so hard just thinking about you, baby. It drove me insane. And even when I came I wasn't satisfied."

I moaned at the heat in his words…the truth he was sharing with me. It only increased my arousal… "Me too…" I said, feeling for his cock and reveling in his gasp as I stroked the firm flesh slowly. "I used to dream of this…inside me. I'd wake up and cry because it was just a dream." His hips rocked slowly with the rhythm I set.

"Well, I think we have some lost time to make up for, don't we?" He chuckled. I began pumping him faster and he hissed, closing his eyes and biting his lip again. His fingers dipped to circle my clit and push inside…first one…then two. I gasped at the pleasure that shot through my body. Edward's fingers were a lot longer and more…facile…then mine.

"Edward." His name on my lips felt so right. I closed my eyes and felt his lips on my neck, on my shoulder. He caressed my cheek and kissed me again.

"I can't believe you're here…that you're real," he murmured against my temple. "I never thought…don't tell me if this is a dream. I don't want to know…I don't want to wake up."

"I'm here…I'm here…" I panted as his fingers worked me slowly but insistently. I tightened my hold on him and he gasped…

I did what I wanted to do earlier, moving his head back to mine with my free grasp and replacing his teeth with my own gentle bite. "God, Bella," he muttered. "You have to stop or I'm gonna come." He removed his hand from my sex and pulled my own up and over my head until I was supine, completely under his control. I loved it, groaning as he moved over me and I felt the tip of his cock slide over my opening.

"Bella…I don't have any condoms. Are you still..." His voice was husky and even though it occurred to me to tease him, I couldn't.

"Yes," I whispered breathlessly. "I'm on the pill." I was silently thankful that I'd kept taking them even after the breakup. Not that I planned on getting any action, I hated fucking with my hormones. To his credit, Edward wasn't suspicious. He just groaned again as his dick passed through my wetness again and again…teasing, prolonging the moment.

"Thank God," he murmured. "Because I don't think I could stop now if I tried…I need to be inside you right now."

"Please," I panted. "Do it." He was driving me crazy and I felt myself almost at the brink of an orgasm, just from the way he was sliding against me. I writhed under him and he finally released my hands and I instantly wrapped my arms around him, pulling him closer. Suddenly, I gasped as he lined up and thrust forward with a groan. He was seated fully inside, and I raised my legs to wrap them around his waist, urging him to do it again.

"Goddamn…baby…you feel so good," he almost whimpered as he pulled out, then pushed himself inside with more force. I clenched around him, feeling his fullness pulse as he held himself within me, unmoving for a minute as we both reveled in the sensation of just being together. I was lost in the green depths of his eyes and the intensity there…love, fear, pain, happiness…it made my heart clench. "I never thought I'd feel this again," he murmured, his hands running up my body to cradle my head.

"Me neither…" I whispered hoarsely, unable to control the tear that slipped from my eye.

"I was crazy with jealousy when I thought you had moved on…" he confessed, his voice laced with the residual emotion.

"I bought you a book and then I returned it…I wish I hadn't." Another tear fell as I remembered that day in the rain. My utter desolation.

"Shh…baby…" he wiped the tear and brought it to his lips, a gesture so sweet and incredibly erotic I whimpered, needing to taste him again. I reached up for him and he met my lips swiftly, shifting his pelvis so I felt his hardness full and deep within me.

Between whispered secrets and deep kisses, a pleasure so intense it was almost painful built in my belly…he had me under his control, and he was under mine.

It wouldn't take much longer, I was so ready to come. Edward's jaw was clenched as he began moving more forcefully. His forehead was lined, his features showing fierce concentration. I could tell he was trying to hold himself back.

He groaned again as I pulled him towards me with my legs, meeting him thrust for thrust…he was trying to go slow but I wanted him to lose himself, wanted him to feel the pleasure, to take what he needed. I ran my hands up and down his strong arms, my fingers relearning the lines of his muscles, his back, his shoulders. The smoothness of his skin.

"Bella, you feel too good. So fucking good," he grunted. "I'm sorry…I'm not gonna last…" I moaned as he hit a deep spot, my body drunk with pleasure…I was so close. I caressed his precious face, marveling at his beauty. I brought my lips to his again and whispered wantonly. "Come, Edward. I want to feel you come inside of me…now."

Edward moaned, his hips jerking faster as I ground myself up onto him…it didn't take much longer for me. Soon I was clenching around him, spiraling into the inky blackness and fire of my climax...I think I called out a little too loudly. Edward covered my mouth in an urgent kiss to stifle his own cry as he filled me once more, then shuddered as his body pumped into mine, giving me what I'd asked for. As he rode out his climax, his face contorted with pleasure, he whispered my name.

Edward collapsed and rolled us over so that we were face to face on the tiny bed, and I giggled.

"What's so funny?" he asked sleepily.

"This bed. It's so small. It's a miracle we didn't fall off."

The absurdity and ridiculousness of the situation, the fear, anxiety, and relief all commingled as we laughed…a tangled mess of limbs, spent and tired but nowhere near finished with one another. And he held me like he'd never let me go.

And I knew whatever the morning brought, we'd face it together.

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**A/N: Just a couple of chapters left! Let me know what you think! **

**I just wanted to extend a thank you to everyone who voted for my O/S "The Long Way Home" in the "Picture Says it All" contest hosted by the lovely ShearEnvy and KhariZZmatiK. Holy cannoli, I can't believe I won! **

**To see the entries and the lovely banners they created for the winners, check out the contest page: http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2507750(slash)A_Picture_Says_It_All**

**Finally, I'll begin posting my new story soon...but I'll send the prologue to all TCS reviewers after my NEXT update...so stay tuned! xox**


	33. Breath of Fire

**Disclaimer: Meyer owns it all. **

**A/N: Thanks to DiamondHeart78 for her beta work. Don't forget to check out her sexy, and non-angsty, story, **_**Evening the Score**_**, if you haven't yet! **

**Two recs this week: **

_**We Come to Life Beneath the Stars**_** by Lillybellis…this story is awesome! The writing is excellent, and she has an incredible understanding of the way relationships work, both romantic and familial. Do yourself a favor and read it. Today!**

_**What are the Chances**_** by danieller123. All of her work is amazing, of course, but this story is quite different. It's heartbreaking and beautiful and won't take you more than 30 mins, since each chapter is very short. **

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**Chapter 33: Breath of Fire  
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EPOV

In my dream Bella had come for me. Her hair was wet with melted snow. It wrapped around me, long and lustrous, and we fell together into darkness. Soft, quiet darkness and warmth.

And when I awoke to the sharp rap at the door that came promptly, as always, at seven, I expected to be alone.

I didn't expect the soft weight of her body, her arms strong and securely fastened around my neck, her leg crossed over my own. I smiled to myself and almost laughed; she was here, after all, holding me as if she was afraid I'd disappear in the night—a fear I recognized in myself. Tyler rapped again, harder this time, and I felt Bella stir and moan. We hadn't slept for more than a few hours, since we'd talked and made love again and again.

Kissing her forehead, I gently shifted her body on the small bed—really, it was ridiculously small for two adults—and she smiled groggily, blinking her eyes.

"Hi Edward," she whispered shyly. I loved hearing her say my name.

"Hi yourself."

"Who's at the door?" she asked, sitting up slowly and looking around, I assumed, for her clothes.

"Don't worry yourself, love. It's just Tyler." She looked at me quizzically. "The daytime guard," I added. "He usually brings breakfast and coffee in the morning at the start of his shift."

I stood up and ferreted around in my suitcase for some clean clothes, pulling on jeans and a shirt and throwing one to Bella. I figured it would be more comfortable than the dress clothes she'd been wearing the day before. A part of me secretly hoped she wouldn't put pants on.

"Oh! Okay." She said, catching it and…(smelling it?)…before she slipped it over her head. Well…do you think someone's here to take me back to my apartment?" Biting her lip, she looked up at me sadly. I hadn't even considered her leaving. As far as I was concerned, it was far too dangerous for her to go back there, even with a security detail.

"Do you want to go back?" I asked hesitantly.

"NO! I want to stay…but do you think they'll let me?"

"Honestly, I couldn't care less what they want. I want you to stay and you'll be safe here, with me. Where I can keep an eye on you."

"Hmm…I don't know if I like the sound of that," she teased.

"Don't you?" I growled, pulling her to me and kissing her deeply before she could react.

"But I don't have any clothes or anything…" she said breathlessly, pulling away for a second, "and I need my phone charger…and some other stuff. Maybe I can go back to my apartment just for a bit to pack?"

"I don't like the sound of that, Bella. I think we can probably get someone else to pick up your stuff…either one of the guards or a friend, even my mother." She blushed, looking up at me through her long lashes.

"They'd have to go through my stuff…and I need…some personal things. It's too embarrassing, Edward."

"Hm. Right." I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, but her safety was the most important thing. I'd have to discuss this with Tyler and get his opinion. "Well, let's see what we can do," I relented, kissing her once more before going to the door.

I opened it to find Tyler sitting in the chair provided for the guard detail: two coffees and a brown paper bag that likely held bagels on the floor next to him. He rose and we greeted each other; in the two weeks since I'd been here, I'd really gotten to like him. Just a little younger than me, he was one of the only people, besides the lawyers, I was allowed to talk to.

After thanking him for breakfast, I spoke with him about having Bella stay and getting her back to her apartment for her things.. Since he was only a cadet, he promised he'd check and get back to us, but he sounded uncertain, warning me that my request was against protocol. Well, I didn't care to mention, so was Bella being here in the first place. He was only doing his job, and I shouldn't take my frustration out on him.

Bella had heard our conversation, and her face looked worried when I came back inside, handing her a coffee and the bag.

"So, he's gonna talk to someone?" she asked, her voice less than hopeful as she settled down next to me on the side of the bed.

"Yeah, he's going to give Lourde a call, but not until lunch recess…court's in session in an hour."

"Oh. You know, I almost forgot about that," she said, taking a bite out of a giant New York bagel.

"Me too," I admitted, kissing her as she chewed. She batted me away, wiping at the smear of cream cheese on the crease of her mouth. "Almost."

Though the last twelve hours had been distracting, to say the least, the trial was never far from my mind. It irritated me that I couldn't be there for the rest of it, but being with Bella was more than consolation. In any case, it probably would have caused me more anxiety than I cared to admit…even though I'd been doing well, I still had problems remaining calm in crowded areas. It was something I still had to work on.

That reminded me that I hadn't taken my anxiety medication today. I got up and retrieved them as Bella ate, not really wanting her to know, but not wanting to hide it either. I decided I'd tell her if she asked.

"What are those?" The words left her mouth as I opened the small orange bottle of pink tablets. Of course she'd ask. She was Bella.

"Paxil. For my anxiety."

She put the bagel down and sipped her coffee, feigning nonchalance.

"Oh," she said simply. I popped the pill into my mouth, washing it down with a swig of black coffee before tossing the bottle back on my suitcase and grabbing my own bagel from the bag next to Bella.

"You can ask me about it, you know."

"Okay," she smiled, rubbing me knee. I knew this was her way of saying she didn't want to push me, and I appreciated it, but still, sometimes I needed to be pushed.

"I started taking them a few of months ago," I began, "after Marcus died. It's helped a lot, actually. I was worried about not being able to testify…so yeah. It's just a low dosage, and hopefully I won't have to take them forever, but for now, it's okay."

"That's really good, Edward," she affirmed, her hand still rubbing my leg, a little higher now. I tried not to focus on tightening sensation in my groin.

"It is what it is," I said. "But it's not a cure-all." I paused for a minute and she waited expectantly. "I still need therapy, Bella. I…I realized that while I was at my parent's house. Yoga helps but it's not the answer. Once this trial is over…I can't run from these things anymore…it might take some time."

Her hand stopped moving. "Do you mean…you'll need time..?"

How easily we misunderstood each other. Months of half-truths, omissions, and separation had taken their toll, but this is something that we'd overcome with time. And trust.

"Bella." I put down the stupid bagel and took her hand. "I don't want to be apart from you. That's not what I meant. I just need to let you know what you're getting yourself in to…so you know the whole situation. I guarantee you that I won't always be easy to be around. I have a lot of…guilt…over what I did, Bella. It's one of the things that kept me from you for so long. I didn't think I deserved you…I still don't, honestly. I'm just saying that I want to try and fix this…because I want to deserve you. I want you to have someone you're proud of."

"I'm already proud of you," she said softly. "But I understand what you're saying. I know it will be difficult—that what you say is true. But you have to understand something too…I want to be with you, to support you through this. Don't push me away because you don't think you deserve it, or that I can handle it. Because you do. And I can. Okay?"

"Okay."

"I know it will take time, but that doesn't mean we can't work through things together…that's what couples do, you know."

I couldn't help but grin into cup her words.

"Oh, really?" I asked, teasing her.

She giggled, but became serious quickly. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Anything."

"The celibacy…was it because of that woman? Nadia?"

I inhaled sharply, surprised once again by her perceptiveness. I nodded.

"I'll listen if you want to talk about it," she said.

And because she wasn't pressuring me, because I wanted her to know that I trusted her…I told her about what Nadia had said to me that day at the marketplace…how she's lost her soul-twin, her soul-mate. How I'd vowed to remain celibate for penance…for what I'd done to her.

Bella was quiet for a while, thoughtful. "And did it change anything? Your vow? Did your sacrifice atone for the past?"

"No," I admitted. "Not a thing. It was…foolish." Suddenly, I felt ridiculous.

"Edward…it wasn't foolish. That's not what I meant. It's just…we can't change the past by punishing ourselves. You can only change by being a better person…by doing right. And you're doing that now. Do you know what I mean?"

"I think so," I said, caressing her face. For such a young woman, Bella was wise. "Nothing can change the past. But I can move forward."

"Yes," she said, her eyes glistening. "You can."

"That doesn't mean that what I did was right."

"No, it doesn't," she allowed. "But even if what you did was wrong, Edward, you're not a bad person."

"You make me feel like a better person. I'm going to get better, for you."

"I'm glad. But you should want it for you, too. Because you think you're worth it. It can't be about me, Edward. You're always putting other people first…that's not right. You need to think about yourself."

"I know," I said, sipping the last of my cooling coffee. "I'm working on it."

After we'd finished eating, we crawled back under the covers, exhausted from our conversation and feeling the effects of a relatively sleepless night. I didn't mind the smallness of the bed, since it meant that Bella had to cuddle next to me. Since we weren't sure whether or not she'd be able to stay, I wanted to savor every moment, and so we remained awake despite our mutual tiredness. I held her and we chatted about less intense subjects. She told me about how she and Seth had become friends, and how he'd eventually come out to her.

"It was so funny…I was so embarrassed," she reminisced, laughing.

"Why?"

"Because…for a while I thought…well…that maybe he liked me as more than a friend."

Her admission made me feel strangely vindicated in my jealousy—but hearing she'd thought that Seth was interested in her immediately had me wondering whether she'd been interested in him, too.

"Oh. And…were you disappointed?" My attempt to remain casual obviously a failure, I instantly regretted the words as soon as I uttered them.

"_No. I wasn't_." She rolled her eyes. "I was glad. He'd been such a great friend to me. But I wasn't ready to date anyone…and anyway, no, I didn't feel that way about him.

"I didn't want to make things weird, you know…I needed him," she said softly.

She needed him because of me…because I'd hurt her. And she was glossing over details I wanted…needed to know about.

"Tell me about it, Bella. Please."

"It was hard, Edward. But it was hard for you, too." She propped herself up on her arm, looking at me sternly. "I don't know what purpose it would serve, honestly, for me to tell you. I mean, it would be one thing if you'd done it out of spite or something…but you had no choice. I refuse to give you anything else to be guilty over…especially since it's not your fault.

"And anyway, didn't we just talk about leaving the past in the past? Learning from it and moving on?" she eyed me as I pondered her questions.

"I suppose so…but…"

"No 'buts," she argued, placing her finger on my lips. I kissed it. "I'm not gonna let you indulge in your morbid need for self-flagellation."

I laughed morosely, running my hand through my hair. "Bella, are you sure _you_ don't want to become a therapist?"

She chuckled. "Hardly. The last thing I want to do is go back to school," she shuddered, resting her head back on her arm.

"Well…you quit your job…what _do_ you want to do?" I asked her hesitantly. Though both of us wanted a future with the other one in it, we had yet to discuss specifics. Until the trial was over and we knew the outcome, I felt it best to tread cautiously on this front.

"Um…well, I've been planning on getting my certification…for yoga," she said softly. I hadn't even known she'd been practicing so seriously. When I asked her about it, she told me how Bree had taken a teacher-training course, and how she was planning on enrolling in February…or, rather, that she had been planning on it. Now, she suggested hopefully, her plans were contingent on me.

"I mean…I don't to presume anything…but…" her voice drifted off and an awkward silence settled in the room. My heart thumped with the possibilities…

Us at the Center, running it together.

My ring on her finger.

But…if things turned out badly…what _would_ we do? I couldn't live without her. But what? Would we live our lives on the run? In witness protection?

I'd discussed the possibilities with Sergeant Lourde, since I'd been fearful that even if the trial ended with conviction, that my life and the lives of my family might still be in danger. Lourde assured me, however, that despite VOLTOR's power, retribution was unlikely since, as he'd told me before, Caius's influence came from money, not from inherent 'family' loyalty, as was the case in, say, mob-related trials. If Caius and the rest of VOLTOR were convicted and given capital punishment, no one would benefit from retaliation. In fact, people once associated with him, higher-ups in the military and in the government, had already divested themselves. He was a social and political pariah.

But of course the same guarantee could not be made if he was exonerated, or merely imprisoned…then, the potential threat would always be there.

How could I make her choose that kind of future? I felt the panic creep in again and I must have tensed. Bella sat up, noticing the worried lines on my face.

"Edward…what's wrong?" I knew that tone…fear. Again, she worried I didn't want her, that her wanting to teach yoga had somehow displeased me. I didn't want to tell her what was really bothering me…but our earlier conversation about honesty remained fresh in my mind. She needed to know.

Bella's eyes widened as I ran through the different scenarios. Though obviously alarmed, she remained calm when I became agitated, soothing me with her hands, and her lips.

"So you see," I told her, "a future with me might not be a future at all…and to think about it…the possibilities…and have it fall apart…I can't…"

"Shh…it's okay. Let's not talk about that now," she whispered. "We don't know what will happen, and maybe you're right. We shouldn't make any plans yet.

"But know this, Edward. Whatever happens, you're stuck with me, okay?" Her words were laced with the strength of determination. I wouldn't fight her on this. I couldn't anyway; they were the words I wanted to hear.

"I won't let anything happen to you," I promised her, gathering her to my chest again and running my hand along her ribcage, feeling how thin she'd become. In my arms she felt so small, so vulnerable, but I knew it was only her physical body that created this illusion.

"And I won't let anything happen to you," she vowed, kissing me again with more intensity. "I love you, Edward."

"I don't know what I'd do…if something happened to you, Bella," I choked, my chest constricting at the thought.

"Nothing will, baby. Everything good is coming our way. I promise."

I wanted desperately to believe her, but after all I'd been through, it was a foreign concept. Still, the hope was there…that maybe she was right. Bella kissed my neck and nipped at my collarbone, and I knew what she was trying to do…she was trying to distract me again, and it was working.

Not that I minded. At. All.

Soon Bella was straddling my waist and I ran my hands up her bent legs and under my shirt, greeting her nakedness with a moan and a shift of my hips. How quickly she ignited my desire; with only a few touches I was hard and ready for her. She covered my mouth with hers and our tongues sought each other, her arms caging my head in a protective embrace.

Even though we'd made love only hours before the burning was just as intense as I frantically pulled my shirt up and over her head to release her breasts to me. _Mine._ I groaned as she slowly leaned forward, letting her nipple graze against my lips then pulling back instantly, teasing me before I could flick my tongue out. I growled lowly, but playfully, pleased she was enjoying herself and the power she so clearly had over me.

Now fully naked astride my clothed body, Bella swiveled her hips, pressing down on my prominent erection and smiling when I reacted with a hiss. I couldn't stop watching her body move over mine in sinewy gyrations. She was dancing, tormenting me. Waiting to see what I'd do. I lowered my hands to her waist and let her guide herself, shocked with pleasure when she finally reached down between her legs and squeezed the length of my hardened flesh. My cock leapt at her touch, desperately straining against the unwelcome barrier of my jeans.

She leaned forward again, allowing me to take her in this time and fully lavish her breasts with my mouth, a small sigh escaping her as I swirled my tongue around her tight nipple.

"Let me make you feel good, Edward," she whispered, feeling for the fly of my jeans and slowly…too slowly, unzipping them and slipping her hand inside to free me. I sprung hard and wanting between her thighs, my erection blindly seeking her warmth and comfort. I was a little nervous about the zipper situation, to be honest, and so I undid the top button; Bella got the message, and soon my jeans and shirt were on the floor in the company of our clothes from the night before.

She leaned back languidly, still tantalizing as she held me lightly, continuously moving her hips in mesmerizing rhythm above me. I fought the urge to grab her and begin pounding furiously. Her delicate touch maddened me, and I moaned at the sweet torture. Finally, as if sensing I was at my breaking point, Bella did something I didn't expect. Instead of taking me within her, she turned around so that she lay on top of me, grasping my cock in her hand and lowering her head. After her tease, the warm sensations as she licked the underside of my cock, sucking the head and then taking a good part of my length into her wet mouth, made me shudder and jerk my hips.

Soon, she'd settled into a rhythm, moving her hand up and down as she drew me in again and again. I panted with pleasure, lost in a haze of sensation and nearly blinded by my own lust. Her own hips moved about, unanchored, and suddenly the need to give her pleasure brought me back to myself. I guided her towards me until her sweet wetness was just inches from my face.

I brought my mouth to her, teasing her clit with my tongue and then running it around her opening before plunging inside, grasping her hips to connect with her more fully. She groaned and sighed loudly as I consumed her with my mouth, giving her the pressure that she needed but wouldn't ask for. I must have been doing something right, because she paused her own activities, her panting audible as I licked and sucked, alternating light flicks to her clit with thrusts of my tongue.

Soon she was writhing on top of me, her moans becoming so loud I was sure Tyler was getting an earful, but unable to care. My own pleasure was building even though she was no longer sucking me…just the taste of her, the grinding of her hips…nearly had me undone. I was blind and drowning in her, lapping at her, parched for her, wanting only her as she began to spasm in my mouth, her breathy cries hardening me further in her hand. I pulsed there, still hard and wanting, momentarily disappointed as she released me, rolling off once her climax had subsided. Luckily my frustration was short-lived. Bella's eyes flashed brightly as she climbed to straddle me again, a blush creeping over her face as she wiped my chin with her hand.

"Sorry," she said shyly.

"God, Bella, for what?" I asked, my voice ragged with an arousal so acute it was becoming painful.

"Oh, for suffocating you," she laughed nervously.

"Suffocating? Are you fucking kidding? That was so hot," I moaned. "God, Bella, what are you doing to me." She was holding me again, hovering over me, and all I could focus on was the sight of our almost joined bodies, nearly crazed with the desire to be inside her. Once I was there I knew it wouldn't take long.

She released me again and I almost cursed in my desperation…I could just take her now…thrust up and into her…but this was her game. I fought myself for control.

"Haven't you ever heard of…delayed gratification?" she whispered suggestively, her hair tickling my face, bringing with it the smell of her sweetness.

"I...uh…" I couldn't form a coherent thought.

"I've heard that some yogis...practice it… Might be…interesting."

God…now she was talking about tantric sex and all I wanted to do was come…I still found it difficult to believe that some yoga practitioners were able to delay orgasms for hours. It wasn't mainstream within the practice, and of course hadn't been something I'd ever considered since I'd vowed bramarachaya.

"I…I…" I stuttered as she moved back down body until she was sliding gently against me…shit. I was going to lose it without even being inside her.

"You…you what?" she asked, her tongue sweeping her lower lip.

"Jesus, Bella," I gasped. "I just need to be inside you. Please." I strained against her, rock hard between our bodies…trapped yet moving my hips…anything to lessen the ache.

"Well. I suppose we'll have to work on it," she smirked at me and I nearly came as she finally, blissfully, let me in, her heat clenching and tight.

This was home. She was home.

My eyes rolled back in my head as I pistoned my hips up forcefully to meet her. She rode me with abandon, bracing herself on my chest as she lifted and sank down again and again. I was undone…completely…utterly by this woman. Somewhere in my mind it occurred to me we were supposed to be quiet…but I couldn't help myself from emitting strange sounds as she writhed above me, our bodies perfectly, effortlessly joined.

I couldn't even find it within me to be embarrassed when only seconds later, I erupted violently into her on an upwards thrust, biting my lip and drawing blood to keep from shouting her name.

My heart pounded, slowly returning to normal, as she wrapped herself around me, our bodies slippery with the sweat of exertion.

It occurred to me that perhaps the experience hadn't been as satisfying for her...

"Did you…?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"No. But it's okay.." She moved slightly and I winced, still sensitive inside her but unable to move.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm fine. I already did…don't you remember? Or did my smothering you result in short-term memory loss?" She was pleased and teasing me, no longer embarrassed.

"I…uh…" I mumbled inarticulately.

"You…you?

"I fucking love you, Bella."

"I like hearing that." She moved on top of me. "Say it again."

"I love you. And I love fucking you."

"Again." Another shift.

"I fucking love you."

"No, the other part."

"I love fucking you." Another swivel.

"God," she sighed into my mouth, "I love it too."

Incredibly, I felt myself hardening within her as her hips continued their subtle gyrations, the uncomfortable sensitivity giving way to something…more.

"Well it looks like my plan worked," she muttered as she felt my growing erection inside her.

And this time we moved silently, and when came it was together.

Later that afternoon we received good news; Lourde had agreed that Bella could stay. She was my "fiancé," after all. He sent over a detail at around four to collect her and bring her to her apartment to pack. Though I was loath for her to go without me, she kissed me and promised to be back soon. I sat, worried and on alert, the entire time she was gone.

At around nine o'clock she still hadn't returned. I knocked sharply on the door and spoke to the night guard; he hadn't had any communication from the cadet who'd escorted her, but didn't seem overly concerned.

By ten o'clock, I'd had it. Since it was only a little over an hour each way, there was no way she shouldn't have been back by now.

Convinced there was something horribly wrong, I was just about to demand my release to find her when, finally, she appeared.

She entered the room in a hurry, showered and fresh and smiling. I shook with relief as she entered my arms and pressed against me.

"Edward…what's going on?" She asked as I buried my face in her hair.

"You've been gone for six hours, Bella. I thought…"

"I'm fine. I'm sorry. I thought you knew I'd be safe…I had some calls to make…I had to speak with Charlie, so he wouldn't worry. That didn't work, of course; he's still worried. And I called Seth, Alice, and Rose, and your parents. You know, to let them know you're okay and that I'll be staying here. Paul dropped me off for a few hours so I could shower and take care of some things at my apartment…"

"What do you mean he dropped you off?" I growled, furious that I had entrusted her to someone so careless.

"Edward, calm down," she said soothingly, rubbing the tightened muscles in my neck. "I told him to go. He was right outside the building the whole time, honestly."

This placated me a bit, but I was still irritated. "Okay," I gruffly replied. "But don't do that to me…I thought the worst. And I couldn't do anything about it."

"Well, I'm back now and I'm not leaving again," she smiled. "You're stuck with me."

The last of my anger evaporated with those words…I couldn't think of anything better than being stuck with Bella for two weeks…maybe longer. I kissed her soundly, and then helped her off with her coat and hat.

She wanted to change into something more comfortable, and went into the adjoining bathroom with her bag. I listened to the sounds of the water running, the rustling movement as she searched thorough her belongings. It pleased me immensely to be back with her in this intimate domestic routine.

I sat down on the armchair and waited, chuckling when she emerged in a red flannel pajama set. She looked at me sheepishly.

"Candy canes?" I asked, smiling. "Isn't Christmas over?"

"Yeah…" she grinned. "But these are my favorite. And they're really comfy." She extended her arm in my direction. "See? Feel."

I rubbed the fuzzy fabric, grabbing her and pulling her onto my lap as she squealed. I loved her like this...safe in my arms.

"You said you talked with Charlie?"

"Yeah…"

Apparently Charlie had been less than thrilled about the state of affairs and had threatened to fly to the east coast…she thought she'd dissuaded him, but she couldn't be certain.

"I wouldn't be surprised if he did show up," she warned. "My dad's pretty stubborn."

"Oh, so that's where you get it from?" I teased.

"Yup. I definitely didn't get it from my mother. The flake of the century."

"That bad, huh?"

"Mmmhmm," she nuzzled into my shoulder. "But I don't want to talk about her. Do…would you feel weird meeting my dad?"

"I don't know what he'll think of me, but yeah, of course I should meet him." I couldn't help but think that Charlie Swan would consider me a less than ideal partner for his daughter given the circumstances, but Bella assured me that he'd love me once we met.

I had my doubts, but kept them to myself, especially since we weren't even sure he was coming.

Soon, our conversation became less animated, and I realized Bella was starting to doze. I braced myself and stood up, carrying her to the bed and tucking her in. My heart swelled as I watched her, vaguely aware that it was creepy of me to be staring, but unable to tear my eyes away from her pouty mouth, the dark fringe of her eyelashes, the delicate shell of her ear. I settled beside her, considering how each part fit together…how even the things that might make her imperfect to other people…the slight bump on her nose, the freckling on the full swell of her cheeks…made her perfect to me.

"Mmmm Edward…" she sighed, seeking closeness in her sleep.

_If I died tonight, I'd die a happy man. _

The next couple weeks went by much the same…we got a little stir crazy from time to time, and sick of the food that they brought us, but other than that…it was bliss. Except for the updates I received from Sergeant Lourde about the trial, very little of the outside world intruded on our bubble. We spent our days talking and reading, doing yoga, and fucking...

That, we did a lot.

At one point Bella joked that she worried we were doing it _too_ much.

I didn't know there was such a thing, I protested. She shrugged and said she didn't either. She was just worried it wasn't normal.

"What isn't normal?" I groaned, lying next to her on the tiny bed. It was nearing the end of the trial, and despite reports that all was going well for the prosecution, I'd been in a foul mood all morning, that is until Bella took it upon her to snap me out of my "emo mindset."

"I don't know…that I _want_ you so much…"

"You wound me, Ms. Swan," I said in mock-offense.

"It's not a bad thing," she clarified, "just, I damn...shut up!" She hit me with a pillow and I retaliated, tickling her sides until she squealed with laughter and begged for mercy.

"The feeling is mutual. So, if you're not normal, neither am I." I panted, pinning her under me.

"Well…" she tested, grinning devilishly, "I already knew that!"

I gazed down at her, planning my next attack. "Oh, now you're in trouble," I murmured.

"Hmm…I like trouble."

"I think you do."

Moments like this that kept me sane. Moments like this I almost forgot why we were here in the first place and what we still had to face.

Until the day came when we had to.

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**A/N: Reviewers will get an exclusive preview of the prologue of my next story**_**, A Quiet Fire**_**. So throw me a line! **

**Only one chapter left. Then the epi. Sniff, sniff. **


	34. Conqueror

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. **

**See the A/N at the end for some special thanks.**

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**Chapter 34: Conqueror**

BPOV

I groaned and pushed my chair back from the table, fighting off the urge to unbutton my jeans. Edward smirked and shook his head.

"Had enough, dear?" Esme asked, reaching to pass me the bowl of mashed potatoes I'd already done serious damage to.

"Yes. Thanks. It was delicious, Esme, as always." In the week since the trial ended, we'd been staying with Edward's parents and Esme had been cooking up a storm. We told her not to bother, but she protested, arguing that she was just happy we were here and had something to celebrate.

It was surreal and still felt too good to be true. But it was, apparently. Anyway, that's what I was going with until someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming.

"Well, if you're sure…" she smiled.

"I am. Seriously. That was amazing."

"See Edward?" Esme teased, "Bella loves my cooking."

He snorted. "I can see that."

"Oh shut up, you!" I said, flicking his shoulder with my napkin. Esme stood and started to clear the table, waving me off when I offered my help.

"It's really no trouble, Bella. Why don't you two just go relax?"

"She loves this, you know," Edward whispered, his breath tickling my neck. "Let her spoil you."

I turned my face to nuzzle him, loving the rough growth of stubble on his cheek. "Okay."

Charlie and Carlisle were already watching football in the living room, and neither of us was particularly keen on joining them, so we excused ourselves to spend some "alone" time together. Well, as alone as we could get. Both of us missed the privacy and the intimacy that we'd shared as we'd waited for the verdict. But the utter relief I felt completely overshadowed any frustration at the current circumstance. And anyway, it bothered Edward more than it did me. It was nice having my dad here, being here with Carlisle and Esme. Comforting and safe. I kind of felt like a kid again home on school vacation, but this time I wasn't on my own.

True to his word, my father had been at the courthouse when Edward and I arrived with his parents the day the verdict was decided. And, though I knew it wasn't the ideal circumstance for him to meet Edward under, I was glad he was there…his steadfast presence was just what I needed to get me through what was probably the most nerve-wracking day of my life.

The court-martial panel had only deliberated for a couple of hours when we heard from Ben Lourde, telling us that it was time—and I didn't need anyone to tell me that the quickness of the decision indicated things had either gone our way, or they hadn't.

Reporters lined the entryway, and Edward did his best to shield me from their invasiveness, even though he was the one they really wanted. And so before I saw Charlie standing there at the top of the stairs, I was a bundle of nerves, as was the rest of the Cullen family. When Charlie said my name and I saw his familiar lined face, I ran up the last couple of steps, casting a quick grin over my shoulder at Edward because, yes, I'd been right. I'd hugged him and cried and he'd been his gruff, kind self—he even went easy on Edward, which I was thankful for.

I'd sat between the two of them as the jury finally filed into the silent room, quiet with the anticipation of victory after a long, fraught battle. There were some things I'd never forget. Edward's hand in mine, our fingers woven together tightly. And the certainty that, whatever happened, I'd be with him, no matter what. We all would.

Other memories were not so nice.

The tense cast of Edward's jaw when Caius and the others stood to face their fate.

The unreadable look on Caius's face as the verdict was read.

Guilty. Of treason, murder, and war profiteering. While the rest of his henchmen reacted visibly, their faces various manifestations of shock, fear, and disbelief—on Caius's face there was nothing. No reaction.

If there was fear or remorse in that man, any emotion at all, he showed none of it. And in that moment I could see the horror that Edward had faced alone for so many years—Caius was a sociopath, or worse. He'd never have stopped, ever. The thought made me shudder…just the idea that human beings could be so cruel to one another, treat each other as animals. I'd known theoretically this was true, but now the point was driven home. It was a lesson I'd never unlearn.

After the verdict, we waited nervously as court was dismissed and the sentencing hearing began. And when finally, after about an hour, court was reconvened, I'd almost wept from sheer exhaustion and relief.

While the other members of VOLTOR received lifetime prison sentences, Caius received his just desserts. And though I wasn't a violent person, I was glad. I wondered if that made me a bad person. I'd always disapproved of the death penalty. But in this case, knowing what Caius had done…the horrible, horrible things. It was the only fitting punishment for him.

And it also meant that Edward would be safe. That's all that mattered to me. For the first time, I think Edward felt it too—that it really was going to be okay, just as I'd said.

The court surged and voices raised. People stood and hurried about. Charlie said something to me and I didn't hear. Because all I could see was Edward.

"It's over." His voice was filled with dawning realization.

"It's over." I confirmed. The room was filled with people, and yet we were alone when he took my face in his hands and kissed me with a kiss that held all the promise of the future, because for the first time since we'd known each other, we had one. We were free.

Emmett guffawed and told us to get a room but we ignored him. And through the heavy throng of people, I didn't see VOLTOR as they were led away.

But still there were realities to face.

Later that day, Edward had asked me to stay as he met with his personal attorney, John Jankowski, a college friend of Carlisle's who'd been working on getting Edward's OTH discharge status reviewed and overturned so he'd be eligible for benefits. Though Edward had been granted immunity in exchange for his testimony, his family wanted to ensure all bases were covered. And really, if anyone deserved VA benefits, Edward did.

John was friendly and encouraging, and he seemed to think Edward had a good shot at getting his discharge status changed to Honorable, especially with his role in taking down General Caius and VOLTOR.

He also let us know about what would happen in the coming week. While the trial was over and the punishment had been decreed, the proceedings would still have to be reviewed by the convening authority—but he was positive the charges and sentencing would stick. With the pictorial evidence and the damning testimony of the other witnesses, including Laurent and several high ranking and well-respected officers, there was no doubt about Caius's guilt. John seemed to think we had nothing to worry about. But of course, not worrying wasn't exactly something Edward was good at, and he'd been tense during the week as we'd awaited the outcome of the review.

But today we'd gotten the call we'd been hoping for. The review had gone well—the charges had held. And so Esme had whipped up a celebratory feast—all vegetarian, of course—but no tofu. Charlie had looked at the spread with a raised eyebrow and I knew he was wondering where the meat was, but he kept his mouth shut as she dished out the vegetables. And for the first time since I'd known him, Edward was completely relaxed, smiling a beautiful carefree smile that I'd never seen, but that I wanted to see every day for the rest of my life.

Charlie would only be here for a couple more days, though, and I'd miss him. Edward seemed to sense this and gave us time together, even though I didn't like to be apart from him for long. Yesterday Charlie and I had sat around watching re-runs of Taxi and Cheers while Esme and Carlisle, and Edward went out to do some errands.

For a while, we chatted about random things and I could tell Charlie was gearing up for some kind of speech. Finally, he told me how my sporadic calls had worried him, and I promised to call and to visit more frequently. He gave me a look.

"So...if you come to visit, Edward coming too?" I hadn't really thought about it, but I supposed he would. I didn't know how Edward felt about flying, but he'd told me how he'd driven again—maybe we could do a cross-country trip. He was working on his anxieties and phobias and I didn't want to underestimate him…he'd even been okay with me using my cell phone when we were in witness protection. I nodded.

"Yes, dad."

"So…this is the guy, huh?"

"What do you mean?"

"The guy…you know…" he shifted in his seat, embarrassed. "The 'One,' or whatever. You seem pretty serious about him."

"I am. And yeah. He is."

"Well, what are you gonna do about the job, Bells? You gonna give up your dreams, your career for Edward? Live up here in the country? Throw away your college degree?"

"I'm not throwing anything away."

"Hmmph."

At one point, his words would have rattled me, made me defensive. He didn't understand that Edward would never make me give anything up. Charlie lived in a world where people went to college and got stable nine to five jobs and a 401K. Where success was measured by dedication to work at a corporate job, and where no one under the age of 30 got married, settled down, had kids. It was a view I once shared, and still did to some extent.

But circumstances change things. Sometimes you get the job you've always wanted and you realize it's not for you. Sometimes you meet someone special and you're forced to make a choice. And sometimes you meet someone, and the choice is already made.

Staying here, running Edward's business with him, teaching yoga—this is what I wanted to do. I'd never felt happier, or freer with any other prospect—more independent. I'd come to believe that the real shackles weren't those that fettered us to one another, but that tied us to other people's expectations of how our lives should be led. Those were the things that had to be challenged and thrown off. But Charlie wouldn't understand this, and I didn't want to argue with him. Instead, I asked him a question.

"Dad," I began. "If you wished anything for me…one wish…what would it be?"

He thought for a minute, staring at the TV.

"Well, I suppose I'd wish for you to be happy."

"I am," I replied, smiling. "So there. You got your wish."

"But Edward…I like Edward. Don't get me wrong. But I don't know if he's good for you, Bells. I mean, I respect the guy, I do, for everything he's done…but he's got a lot of problems, problems that won't go away overnight. I don't know if that's the kind of relationship you should be in. You're just starting out, Bella." He stared at his beer can, avoiding my gaze. This was his job as my father, but it bothered me that he couldn't see my point of view.

"Dad. I know what you're saying. I know all of Edward's faults. And he knows mine. I love him because of them, not in spite of them. And I choose him. I spent four months apart from him thinking this through," I said, now getting riled, "and working a shitty job that made me hate my life.

"I know you worry about me. You think I'm too young, that I haven't thought things through. But I have. I promise. You need to let me make my own choices now. Even if you think I'm choosing wrong. Because I'm going to be with him no matter what, dad. So please, don't make this harder for me."

Charlie chuckled…shaking his head. Then he laughed a little louder. I was completely confused by the shift in his behavior.

"What? What's so damn funny?" I asked, still flustered.

He chuckled some more, shaking his head… "That's all I needed to know."

"All you needed to...what?"

"I'm sorry," he said, collecting himself. "I just wanted to make sure how you felt. And yeah, you convinced me. It's Edward. Okay." He held up his hands in a gesture of surrender, which added to my irritation.

"You were just messing with me?"

"Not completely…but partially, yeah."

"So…you aren't mad at me?"

He sighed. "Bells. I just want you to be happy. I think Edward's a nice guy, I do. I just want you to do what YOU want to do…not for some guy, but because it's what you want.

"All I need to know is, does he treat you right?"

"Better than anyone," I replied emphatically. It occurred to me at the time that this talk was a little pre-emptive. Edward and I had talked briefly about the future, but with the trial, and then the waiting on the review, we hadn't exactly settled anything.

"Well, that's what you deserve. But you let me know if he doesn't, you hear?" Charlie patted the pistol he wore on his belt even off-duty and I fought the urge to roll my eyes.

"Daaad."

Thinking back to our conversation a day later, I wondered if I should tell Edward about it. Probably not, since it would just feed into his penchant to think of himself as unworthy.

Once we were alone in the sun room, Edward drew me down onto the sofa, kissing my neck softly and grazing his hands down over my torso and ribcage and around the sides of my breasts. I inhaled sharply…we hadn't made love since we'd been at his parent's house, and it wasn't for lack of Edward trying. I felt weird about it, especially since neither of us was…quiet in that respect.

"You better stop that…" I moaned, arching into his hands as they moved under my shirt to cup me over my bra.

"Or what?" He kissed my neck again and sucked on the pulse point just below my jaw.

"Or…I don't know." With a final kiss, Edward withdrew his hands with a crooked smile. I shook my head to clear it.

"Sorry."

"Please. I wish we were alone so I could ravish you."

"Hmmmm…Me too."

"Maybe we could go for a walk or something?" I ventured, suggestively.

"A 'walk?' Bella, it's freezing outside. And how would we explain to our parents if we wound up having to take you to the hospital with frostbitten nipples?"

I giggled, nestling into his side. "I never said it was a well-thought out plan."

"Well, I think it is about time we maybe think of leaving," he said softly.

"You trying to get rid of me, Cullen?"

"Never."

We sat in silence for a while. It was dark and the frigid Berkshire wind rattled through the leafless trees outside the Cullen house. The room itself was drafty, and my feet were cold as I drew them up under me. Edward grabbed an afghan from the back of the sofa and settled it around us, and soon my fullness combined with warmth to trick me into a light doze.

When I awoke a short while later the room was cast in soft moonlight from the cloudless night sky. The wind had calmed and the only sound in the house was the faint hum of the TV and our dads' occasional laughter or sounds of frustration. The windows were so clear you could see the stars—I could even make out a few constellations—and I was reminded of the meteor shower we'd seen that night at the Center in the summer. That night on the hammock before everything went wrong. It seemed so long ago, and really it amazed me that I hadn't even known Edward a year, since it felt like I'd known him my whole life.

I wondered what Edward was thinking of. His face was pensive as I regarded him—so beautiful and almost ghostly. I had to touch him just to make sure he was real. He startled out of his reverie as I stroked his cheek.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Jacob…and you."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I was thinking of his letter." His voice was soft and full of emotion. "I haven't thought of it in a while…and I was wondering if that makes me a bad friend."

"Why would it make you a bad friend?"

"I'm afraid…of forgetting him…"

"You won't."

He sighed. "But every day…it's less. I'm afraid one day I'll wake up, and it will be like he never existed."

I sat up straighter and took his hand, splaying out his fingers and tracing the prominent veins. Edward was alive. He just needed to know it was okay.

"It's right to move on, Edward. You'll never forget Jacob. He's a part of who you are, whatever happens. Even if you don't think of him everyday.

"And in fact, I think that it means more if you don't. Because it means you're doing what he wanted you to do. Right?

"He wanted you to be happy, Edward. And every so often, you'll get a glimpse of him…a memory will come…and it will make you glad that he was your friend. And you'll be able to remember the good times, not the bad. That's the best way to honor his memory."

He was quiet for a while, considering what I'd said. I didn't even know where it came from or if it was the right thing.

"Why are you so patient with me?" his voice was serious.

"Because I love you."

"You always know the right thing to say."

"I don't. I just say what I feel." I said, shrugging. It hurt me that he was still so awed by someone being sensitive to his needs. But it also made sense, since even his own family had considered him a "problem" for so long.

He tousled my hair and kissed my head.

"So, yeah, before when you were sleeping. I was thinking of you, too," he said finally.

"Oh really?"

"Umhmmm," he murmured.

"What about? Oh shit, was I drooling or something?" I asked, feeling for wetness on his shoulder. The fact that I occasionally drooled in my sleep wasn't something I was particularly proud of.

Edward laughed. "No, silly."

"Well what then, my fine ass?"

"That…among other things…"

"What other things?" I asked with a hint of frustration. He was really making me work for this.

"I was just wondering—what do you really want to do with your life?"

His question startled me. "You mean...like a job?"

"Yeah…"

"Yeah…? What's up, Edward?"

"Well…" he started. "I've been thinking things over, and…if you want to live in New York, I'd like to give it a try."

"What?"

He ducked his head shyly. "I want you to be happy, Bella. I don't want you to make any sacrifices for me. Your friends are in New York, and that's where all the job opportunities for you are….you went to college; I didn't. I can be a yoga instructor anywhere, or do anything else, really. You can't. I can't help but feel that maybe you're making your choices dependent on what I want…

"You know I'm not good in big cities or crowds, but I'm getting better. And I think that maybe in time I could be comfortable. That I'd like it."

I sat dumbstruck, taking in his words. "You'd do that? For me?"

"Of course," he breathed, kissing the corner of my mouth. "Of course."

"But what about the Center?"

"What about it?"

"You love that place, Edward. What about what you want?"

"I want to be wherever you are; everything else is secondary."

"Well, what if I told you that what you wanted was what I wanted?"

He gazed at me intently.

"I want to run the Center with you."

"You want to run the Center…with me," he echoed, testing the words.

"Yes," I breathed, mesmerized by the emotion in his eyes.

"And you're not just saying that to make me happy. It's really what you want?"

"For God's sake!" I exclaimed, "Have you been talking to Charlie or something?" I couldn't help but be exasperated having the same damn conversation with two men in a less than 24-hour period. Everyone was so concerned with what I really wanted they weren't even listening to what I had to say!

"Actually, I have."

"What?" I croaked.

"Yeah. I'm old-fashioned like that," he said not so cryptically, pulling away from me for a second. "I did have a little talk with him a couple of days ago. He's a nice man, your dad. Didn't even threaten my life."

My heart started hammering in my chest…could this really be happening? I never expected…well, I did, but not today. I was completely overwhelmed as Edward turned and shifted. I couldn't see what he was doing.

When he turned back to me, his green eyes were shimmering black in the darkness.

"Bella," he swept the hair away from my face and held my chin, kissing me gently on the lips. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them, I saw a glint in his open palm.

"Would you marry me?"

I stared at the small round shape in his hand, my fingers drifting to it unconsciously. Even in the dimness of the room I could tell it was beautiful...simple and understated and just the right size. I picked it up gingerly, as if it would vanish with a more sudden movement; turning it round a glint of inlaid diamond on the scalloped tine reflected in the soft light of the moon. And when my tearing eyes met his questioning ones, I couldn't even speak. God, had I always been such a crier?

"You asked Charlie?" I sniffled, thinking back to the day before and the strange conversation I'd had with my father. He'd known then, the devil!

Apparently, I didn't always know the right thing to say. Edward looked a little nervous.

"Yes. I knew it would be…important to you."

"Oh Edward," I threw my arms around him, nearly toppling us both off the couch in the process.

"So…" he whispered hopefully, hugging me back. "Is that a 'yes?"

"Yes, Edward," I murmured, kissing him. Our mouths smiled against each other as he wriggled the ring into place on my finger. "That's a yes."

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**A/N: I can't believe that this is coming to an end. I'll miss these characters and this story, very much. Writing TCS has been an amazing experience for me. I've been blown away by your support—and I'm thoroughly convinced that my readers are the best people in the fandom. I feel truly honored by all of the comments, thoughts, and suggestions you've shared with me. I love writing, but it's nice to know that people enjoy it as well!**

**Thank you. **

**I'd like to thank DiamondHeart78 in particular for always being there for me—you're my beta, sure, but you're much more than that! Thanks to Lolypop82 for the divine manips you made for Yogiward, and of course to RoseArcadia for the awesome banner and twitter shout-outs. **

**TCS has been reviewed by many lovely ladies (check out my profile for details) and, jeez, each time it was I was completely blown away. Thank you! And, lastly, all my friends and readers on Twitter and Facebook who have loved this story and recommended it—I heart you all.**

**I'll be posting the epilogue within the next two weeks. And, if you'd like to check out my new story, **_**A Quiet Fire**_**, I just posted the prologue and will begin posting chapters shortly. **

**So, were you disappointed I didn't do a "live verdict?" Or happy that they got their HEA? Let me know! **


	35. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. Thanks DiamondHeart78 for beta-ing, as always. **

**A/N: I know I said two weeks, but it's done. So here it is!  
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**_Epilogue ~ 18 months later _**

EPOV

"The most important thing is breath," Bella says, leaning back against me for support. The room full of expectant mothers looks towards her for guidance, their husbands and partners mimicking my actions. She bends her knees and I place my arms under hers, which she uses as leverage to fully stretch her spine. The rest of the class follows suit.

"These same breathing techniques can be used during the birth process," she continues. "In fact, you can also perform these partner poses while in labor—this one, for instance, is particularly nice, don't you think?" Bella smiles and the women murmur their acquiescence.

"I think so too," I whisper in her ear. This is her class, and I love assisting her. It never would have occurred to me to offer prenatal yoga instruction, but recently, it's become her passion. We move through a gentle series of stretches and breathing exercises, and I see how much Bella's students love her, and why. She's so in tune with their bodies, and patient, especially with the inexperienced students. She laughs and jokes and keeps the atmosphere light—something I've always had a hard time doing.

Later, after Bella finishes saying goodbye to her class, I'm picking up blocks and belts left scattered throughout the room. She kisses me and rubs my arm.

"I'm gonna miss that group," she sighs. Each of her classes runs for a 10-week period, and today was the last one until the Center starts up again in late August. The retreat starts in two days, and we have a lot of work to do before then. Luckily, we have some special guests coming to help. And they should be here any minute.

"Thanks for your help, Edward."

"Me? Oh, I'm just a prop!" I say, holding up one of the foam blocks.

"But you're a handsome prop."

"All that flattery's going to go to my head."

She raises her eyebrows and glances downward. "That's the hope."

I shake my head and chuckle at her. I should have known.

"I'm gonna go call Seth, okay?" I nod and she kisses me again before nearly skipping out of the studio. It's sweet how she looks forward to their Saturday morning talks.

A couple hours later I'm upstairs getting dressed when I hear a car door slam.

"Hey! Edward, can you help me out down here?" Emmett's voice booms up the stairs and I have to grin to myself. My brother is still the loudest person I know.

"Coming!" I shout back. He's also an impatient motherfucker. I wonder if it's an effect of fatherhood, marriage, or both.

When I get to the bottom of the stairs I have to laugh. Emmett is laden with luggage—diaper bags and part of a disassembled crib. He looks as if he's about to drop.

"Where's Rose?"

"She's outside with Emma and Bella."

"So you're doing the heavy lifting?"

"As always."

He sets down his stuff and we hug, slapping each other on the back. It's great to see him and I know Bella is excited to have friends visit for the retreat. The other guests will be arriving soon, but we'll have two days alone with Rose, Emmett, Emma, Jasper and Alice before then.

"So, where to?" He asks, picking up the crib.

"Where else? Your old room."

"Nice!"

"Yeah, I figure you guys will need the room with the baby." I look out the open door eagerly, hoping to get a glimpse of my niece. She's apparently already walking, and I haven't seen her for a couple of months.

"You have no idea," Emmett sighs as we start up the stairs. "It's amazing how much room such a little person can take up. Believe me, in a few months, you'll know what I'm talking about."

His words make me smile like an idiot, because I'm so fucking excited. When Bella found out she was pregnant six months ago, we'd been surprised since we'd been using protection. We hadn't planned on having kids so soon after the wedding, but after the initial shock wore off, we couldn't have been happier about it. There was nothing I wanted more than this baby...and the entire family, of course, was ecstatic. My mother can't resist coming over and pampering Bella whenever she gets the chance, and the woman must have bought out the entire children's section at Target, so yeah, we already have a ton of baby stuff. I know what Emmett's talking about.

Once we get all of Emmett's family's luggage up to their room, we go outside to find our wives. I guess I still get a secret thrill from thinking about Bella as my wife, even though we've been married for a year now. I wonder if it'll ever wear off.

Bella and Rose are out in the backyard near the hammock, which Emma seems intent on climbing up into even though she can barely reach it. Her little blonde head is just barely visible in-between the two women. And I can't help but think how fucking beautiful my girl looks in her white summer dress—from this distance, I can admire her without her getting self-conscious. She loves being pregnant, but recently she's gotten rounder, and I know she's a little sensitive about it. But really, there's nothing more stunning to me, and I try to show her as often as I can.

As if aware I'm thinking about her, she turns and shields her face from the sun, waving over to us. Rose scoops Emma up and she squeals excitedly.

"Hey pumpkin!" Emmett exclaims, giving Bella a hug and patting her belly. She pushes his hand away with mock indignation.

"Pumpkin? Are you trying to tell me something, Em?"

"Oh, don't listen to him, Bella," Rose says, smiling at my brother. "He needs sensitivity training."

Emma is wriggling in Rose's arms and I give them both a hug. My niece smiles up at me and Rose tells her to say hi to Uncle Edward.

"Eeeh-woo," she manages, smiling at her accomplishment and holding out her arms. Rose offers her to me while everyone laughs at my new name. Emma laughs and hugs her little arms around my neck, and it's amazing. I'm a little nervous but I feel ready to be a dad.

"Well...Eeeh-woo," Bella teases. "Maybe we should make some lunch? You guys hungry?" She asks Em and Rose.

"Have you met me?" Emmett quips.

"Stupid question, I guess. Alright, well let's go eat!" And I'm smiling because I know that Bella is hungry too...I love her cute cravings for things like roasted beets and goat cheese and honey and peanut butter sandwiches. I pass Emma back to Rose and leave the three of them outside, following Bella back into the Center to make lunch. Her walk is a little different now, her pelvis thrust forward, and I sneak my arm around her waist and pull her to me once we're in the kitchen. I have to kiss her.

"Edward," she gasps, "what did I do to deserve that?"

"You look sexy."

"I do not," she huffs. "I look like a pumpkin."

"Well, then you're the sexiest pumpkin I've ever seen."

"Thanks." She rolls her eyes. We start making lunch—a big salad and some caprese sandwiches—and Bella is quiet. Finally, she turns to me.

"You're good with her, you know."

"Who, Rose?" I tease.

But Bella is serious. "Edward," she asks, hesitantly. "Are you afraid of messing up?"

"Yeah," I admit. "Sometimes. But...it's probably inevitable that we do something stupid once in a while, right?"

"I guess. But, it scares me sometimes. All that responsibility. I don't want to do anything wrong." I know it's her hormones talking, but she'll kill me if I say so. Instead, I wrap my arms around her and sweep back her hair, kissing her neck gently.

"Well," I say, "That's why we have each other."

"You mean someone else to blame if we fuck up?" She jokes.

"Exactly."

Bella smiles at me and I grudgingly release her. I love my brother and his family but suddenly I don't want to share my wife with anyone. Instead, I imagine taking her upstairs and slowly undressing her, kissing her round full breasts.

Since this isn't an option, I make a PB&J for Emma while Bella dresses the salad, consoling myself with the thought that tonight, she'll be mine alone.

Jasper and Alice won't be arriving for a few hours, so after lunch we decide to take a drive down to the watering hole to cool off, since it's hot as hell. Rose and Bella get Emma situated in the back of our new sedan and we're off. It's the first time Emmett's been in a car with me since I started driving again but he's good enough not to say anything. I know it's also just about the two year anniversary I freaked out on Rose at the same place. But no one mentions that either—I don't know if it makes me more or less comfortable. Finally, I decide on more.

I pull up and the parking lot holds a few other cars. It's hot and sticky and I'm grateful to feel the cooler air as we walk down the path to the waterfall. Rose and Emmett have water wings for Emma, and when they put them on she can't lower her arms all the way. She stands by the edge of the water in a little pink bathing suit while I help Bella lay our towels out on the rocks.

"Eeeh-woo, Eeeh-woo," Emma calls.

Rose laughs. "I guess mom isn't good enough. She wants you, Eeeh-woo."

"Ha ha ha," I say, pretending to be annoyed. Bella knows I secretly love it, and she hits my shoulder, shooing me away. I'm more than happy to oblige.

"Hey, what am I, chopped liver?" Emmett picks up Emma and tickles her before passing her over to me. "Seriously though, dude. If you don't mind. I would love some time alone with my lady."

"Don't you guys ever get a babysitter?" I ask.

"Believe me, I'd love to. But Rose doesn't trust anyone."

"Not even for a couple hours?"

He shakes his head. I look over at Bella and wonder what we'll be like...if we'll have the same problem letting go. I imagine so.

"They say it's always like that for your first...and then you lighten up. Like with you, Ed. Once you came along, Mom and Dad couldn't have cared less."

"Very funny." He grins and elbows me in the side that's not holding Emma and she reaches out her tiny fist to him. He kisses her hand, and in that moment, I've never seen my brother look so...well...fucking content. He's just smiling like an idiot, like Emma's the most amazing thing he's ever seen, and I realize, she is.

Suddenly Bella is by my side smiling at me and the baby. She's taken off her dress and put on a low-slung sarong. I love that she's wearing a bikini—her body looks amazing, even if she doesn't always think so. Emmett musses her hair and leaves us, running to tackle Rose, who's already sunbathing on the rocks.

"Bew-wa," Emma says, leaning towards her. Her warm body squirms in my arms and I give her to Bella before diving into the cold water. Some other kids are playing around me and, even though this would have annoyed me at one time, for some reason it doesn't now. Bella and Emma wave from their perch on the rock and I splash them. Emma screams.

I beckon at Bella with my pointer finger but she shakes her head; she doesn't like the cold water. There's no way I'm getting her in here today.

Emmett comes in after a while and we amuse ourselves tossing around a football he brought. Rose and Bella lounge on the rocks as Emma naps in the sun, and I think to myself how much I miss not having my brother around. Even though it's not too far to the city, we don't see each other nearly enough.

I realize this is one of those thoughts Dr. Garcia says I'm supposed to share with people. I still feel a bit strange talking about my feelings, except with Bella. But I guess this is one of those times where I should try.

And when I tell him we'd like to visit, he's enthusiastic and surprised. He and Rose are always coming up here, but I've been getting better dealing with cities. Bella and I even went to Boston for a long weekend a couple of months ago, I tell him casually.

"That's awesome, man. Good for you."

It sounds patronizing, but I accept the compliment with a nod. For me, it is a big deal; he knows it, and so do I. It's just a small step, but like driving the car, it's an important one.

After a while we return to the Center to meet Jasper and Alice; they're already there when we pull up. Alice is just the same as always. She squeals and grabs Bella's wrist, nearly yanking her out of the car as my wife smiles patiently. I can imagine her like this with a small child, but keep my thoughts to myself since Alice certainly won't appreciate the comparison.

Neither Jasper nor Alice have seen Bella since she's started to show, so of course the first thing from Alice's mouth is: "OMG Bella! You're so huge!" I wince a bit to myself, but Bella surprises me once again with her signature deadpan response.

"Gee, you look great too, Al." And I know it's just the way they are together. Jasper comes around to my side of the car and we shake hands.

"Good to see you, man," he says.

"It really is. Thanks for coming to help out."

"I've been looking forward to it."

Jasper and I haven't taught together for a long time. This will be fun...just like old times.

The three women are chatting together now and Alice is mooning over Emma. I give Bella a small wave as she looks over at me and she waves back shyly, aware that I'm watching her. Then Emmett, Jasper, and I bring their luggage inside and hang out in the lounge for a while, catching up.

"You still don't have a TV in this place, man?" Emmett asks, as if it's a complete travesty.

"Nope," I reply, sipping my iced tea.

"Well, what are you gonna do if you have a boy? How will he play video games?" Emmett is incredulous.

"Girls don't play video games?" Bella asks from the doorway. We turn and she's standing there with her hands on her hips.

"Not like boys," Emmett explains.

Bella snorts. "So it's genetic?"

"Think so."

Jasper laughs and comes to my defense. "Alice and I have a TV, but we never watch it."

"See?" I say, arching my eyebrow. Emmett shrugs. The Center is still the Center. Even though we now allow cell phones and we have Internet access in the office, Bella and I decided that the no-TV policy was something we'd preserve. And anyway, that's one of the reasons people like it here.

"Well, the poor kid can come to our house, I guess."

Bella and Rose decide they're cooking dinner tonight, which is fine by me. It's a lazy day and I'm enjoying hanging out with my brother and best friend. They'll be here for two weeks, since Rose couldn't get the full three off of work, but I know all too soon it will be over.

"So..." Jasper starts and the tone of his voice makes me look over at him. "Alice and I have some news."

"Oh God," Emmett groans, "Don't tell me you got shortie knocked up too?"

"No...not that. Alice and I are getting married." He smiles as we congratulate him, but there's something about it that's not quite right.

"And...we're moving to Portland."

"Maine?" Emmett asks.

"No. Oregon."

"Shit man. That's far away." The four of them have been living near each other in New York for a while now.

"Yeah. Alice got a new job—she quit Denali. Finally." Jasper mutters under his breath. Ever since Bella's fiasco at Tanya's firm, apparently things hadn't been going well for Alice there either, especially since she sided with Bella.

"So...what are you gonna do?" I ask him.

"I have some money saved up. I might start my own studio. Or, I don't know. I was thinking of maybe getting into the natural foods business or something."

"Portland would be a great place for that."

"That's what I thought."

"When are you moving?" Emmett still looks floored by the news.

"A couple months. Alice just found out about the job last week. It's a great offer—a huge salary increase, so we just knew she had to take it. And then I asked her to marry me."

I can't say I'm excited by the prospect of Alice and Jasper moving to the West Coast, but he looks pretty happy about it. Jasper's always been so laid back, I'm sure he'll fit in perfectly out there.

"Well, Bella and I will be visiting Charlie once the baby is born, so we'll have to drop by."

"Any time. And I'll hold you to it."

A while later Bella comes in to tell us that dinner is ready and I can tell by her red puffy eyes that she's been crying. After everyone files out towards the dining room, I pull her aside. I know exactly what's wrong.

"Alice?" I ask, tracing the dried streaks on her face.

"Yeah. Jasper tell you?"

I nod and hug her and inhale deeply.

"I'm happy for them. I'm just gonna miss her, you know? We've been friends for so long."

"We'll visit. I promise." And I mean it.

"That's true. I guess it just hit me though—we're all grown up. Doing our own things. It's never going to be like it used to be."

"That's true." I can't help but put my hand on her belly; she doesn't mind when I do this, only when other people do without asking permission.

"I guess I just imagined us all living near each other, having our kids play together...yeah. I guess it seems a little idealistic." She sighs.

"It's a nice thought. And hey, you never know what will happen. Maybe one day we'll move out there to be near Charlie. Maybe they'll move back here. Could happen."

"When did you get so smart?"

"I learned from the best," I say, kissing her nose. We hold hands and walk to join our friends.

Over dinner, we talk about the engagement and the move, Rose and Emmett's jobs, Emma, the upcoming retreat. The food is good—Bella's perfecting her risotto technique, and she smiles proudly as I "mmm" over her meal. We have a new chef at the Center, one I subjected to a full background check, but she won't be back till tomorrow. I've been showing Bella a few things in the kitchen—cooking together has become a little hobby of ours.

But soon, the topic turns to us. Alice gives me a pointed look.

"What's this I hear about natural childbirth?" She reproves, as if it was my idea. Hey, I might be a yoga instructor, but when it comes to Bella's body, she makes the call. And she wants a natural delivery.

"Alice, why are you looking at Edward like that? It was my idea." Alice seems skeptical. "It's just I don't like the idea of having my baby in some hospital where the doctors take him away after he's born. I don't want an epidural or any drugs...I'd rather be in a more peaceful environment. Anyway, we have an awesome midwife. And of course Edward will be there."

"Dude," Emmett says, "you gonna tape it?"

Bella's eyes widen and I shake my head.

"Whew." Emmett is relieved. "I never know with you two."

"Okay. Two things." Rose interjects. "First of all... 'him?' I thought you weren't finding out the sex of the baby? And second. A midwife? Isn't that what they used in the middle ages?"

"I just know it's a him," Bella says. "I have a feeling." And then she patiently explains about the merits of midwifery. Believe me, I've heard it all before—she's the one who convinced me that was the way to go. Initially I'd resisted the idea since I was worried about something going wrong, but according to all of the books we've read, it's completely safe. Midwives receive special training and certification, and of course there's a doctor on call in case of emergency. Bella likes the idea of being in a more private environment, and so do I.

"Please don't tell me you're having the baby here," Alice whines.

"No. We're going to a birthing center. But it's really homey. Just like a bed and breakfast." Bella smiles and I love that she's excited about this. "They even have a tub so I can take a bath...listen to music. Walk around. Pretty much anything."

Bella blushes and I know she's considering things like nipple stimulation and partner massage—both of which our doula has encouraged us to try when the time comes. Bella's also learned a lot of childbirth techniques since she's been teaching the prenatal yoga class, and we'll be able to use them more comfortably at the birthing center than we would at the hospital.

"_Jesus_." Alice shakes her head.

"Oh come on Al," Bella says. "You act like being pregnant is a disease or something. I mean, women have been having babies for millennia. Right Rose?"

Rose grimaces. "I had an epidural. In a hospital. And I loved it. Thank you very much."

"Agree to disagree?" Jasper ventures. Emma squirms in her high chair and I can tell she's getting bored with all of the adult talk.

"Fine," Alice says. "But I think you're crazy."

"You want to get up?" I ask Emma. She smiles and lifts her arms, and since I'm done with my food I unbuckle her and take her on a little walk as her parents finish their dinner. Her tiny hand curls around my finger as she toddles unsteadily and I have to hunch down since she's so short.

"Eeeh-woo. Eeeh-woo," she chants and I smile. The name is growing on me.

Just outside the dining room door, we pause and I lift Emma to show her a painting—it's one of my favorites, a Hudson River School, and I love the contrasting dark and light shadows—the grandeur of the scene. But Emma doesn't seem interested, so I let her down again. I can hear the conversation from inside the dining room.

"So, have you guys decided on names?" Rose asks.

"Well, not really. We've talked about it a little. I don't really wanna say."

"Oh _come on_, Bella. Just tell us one option for each." Alice pleads.

"Well, if it's a girl, I love the name Madeline. But Edward hates it...so we'll see. But if it's a boy...I think maybe Jacob." Her voice is soft but I'm sure I heard her right.

"Wow. Bella. That's amazing. What a great idea." Emmett's reply is much louder.

I'm completely floored. Jacob hasn't been a name we've discussed—I hadn't even known she was considering it. But it feels...right. No...Perfect. And I'm amazed, all over again, at how well she knows me. I want to run in there and tell her what a fucking great idea it is, but I restrain myself. I'll wait till we're alone.

Emma snaps me out of my head by making baby sounds near the stairs. She's already started to climb and I grab her before she gets too far. She giggles and I raise her above my head; she grabs onto my hair and gives a hard tug. Damn, she's strong, and I wince just a little as Rose appears in the doorway, a smirk on her face.

"Never let her get a hold of your hair," she warns.

"Little too late for that, but thanks."

"Here..." Rose says, disentangling my hair from Emma's fist and taking her. "We need to get_ someone_ to bed. Say goodnight to Uncle Eeeh-woo and give him a kiss."

Emma plants an open mouth kiss on my cheek and grabs at my hair again before Rose pulls her away.

I wave and rejoin the rest of the group in the kitchen where Alice and Jasper are rinsing the dishes.

"Have a nice walk?" Bella asks she leans into my side.

I rub her arm and kiss her temple and she wraps her arm around my waist. We just fit together.

"Yeah. I think Emma was a little bored though. I'm gonna have to work on being entertaining."

"You entertain me!" Bella pinches my butt and I pinch hers right back. She squeals.

"Gross," Alice says. "Save it for the bedroom, married people."

"Hey, you're getting married too!" Bella protests.

"Yeah. And when we are, we'll save it for the bedroom."

Jasper gives me a look and I have to stifle a laugh. Emmett just shakes his head, the sage old married man among us.

We realize we're old when everyone is tired at ten o'clock, agreeing to call it an early night. There's a lot to do tomorrow.

It's been a busy day, and I know Bella is exhausted. I hope, though, she's not_ too_ tired.

Once we're in our room I lay down on the bed with my hands behind my head, watching Bella in her nightly routine. She always brushes her hair and flosses with a little frown on her face, and she scowls when she sees me observing her in the mirror.

"Don't you have anything better to do?"

"Nope."

"Am I really that fascinating?"

"Yep."

"You're annoying."

"So you've said."

I know she's just teasing me, but I leave her alone and go down the hall for a quick shower.

By the time I'm back, Bella's in bed. Naked. On the bed. She looks like a goddess with her shiny hair spilling down around her full curves, and I wonder how I got so fucking lucky. Her wide eyes are gazing at me as I drop the towel from around my waist, deciding not to bother with clothes. Just looking at her I'm already hardening and she notices, giving me a cheeky grin.

I climb on the bed and groan as she slides over, her hand immediately grasping me to hasten the process. Her hands are warm as she pumps me once, then twice. I move my thigh in between her legs and I feel her muscles grip me, the slight wetness of her arousal.

"I heard you today." I say finally.

"Hmm?" She asks, tracing her fingers lightly over my stomach.

"The names. I was with Emma and you were talking about baby names. I heard what you said."

"So...what did you think?" she asks hesitantly.

"I think...it's fucking perfect, Bella." She knows I'm not talking about Madeline. I turn to face her and rub her belly softly. Sometimes when we lay at night like this the baby kicks and moves. Tonight there's just a flutter, but every time it happens it's amazing. I can't get over the fact that there's life in there, and that it's part me and part Bella. The two of us.

"You really do?"

"Mmmmhmm. Jacob Charles Cullen. What do you think?"

"I think you're a genius." She kisses my shoulder and moves closer. Well, as close as she can get with the baby in the way. Her hand travels lower once again and I moan, resisting the urge to thrust against her. While our sex life has always been great, lately she's been insatiable, and it's been amazing. I can't complain.

"You feel nice," she whispers.

I groan and bite my lip. The warmth of her hand stroking me feels so fucking good.

"I want to try something," she says, releasing me and turning around so she's facing away on her side. Lately when we've made love she's been on top, but she gets tired. By the shift of her position I can see what she's asking for, and I'm happy to oblige. I run my hand along her side and down between her legs, moving slowly, and when I feel she's wet I kiss the side of her neck, move my hands up and over her body to her nipples. They're more sensitive now so I'm careful, rubbing her gently until she's panting and moving against me.

And when I slip inside and start to move we both groan. And it feels so, so good as she moves her hips and urges me to fill her. And I wrap my arms around her, sheltering her belly, our child, as the pressure builds. And I'm nearly there, so I move my hands to where we are joined to help her along. The feel of her warmth, squeezing me, her softness under my hands, and the flush of her face has me moving faster, and soon the flutter of her muscles around me lets me know it's okay to let go, and so I do with a pant and a kiss and a bite to her shoulder.

I love holding her in my arms like this. She's my home. The only place I belong.

"But what if it's not a boy?" I ask.

She turns to me, smiling a knowing smile. "He is."

* * *

**A/N: So there you go folks. That's it. **

**I will probably do a few outtakes, so check back once in a while. And let me know what kind of outtakes you'd like to see! **

**In the meantime, check out my new story, **_**A Quiet Fire.**_** (Okay, I'll shut up about it now.) LOL. **

**Thanks so much for reading. xox**


	36. Epilogue 2 Fandom Floods futuretake

A/N: This was the second epilogue I wrote for the Fandom Fights the Floods compilation. Thank you everyone who donated! But now, here it is for the rest! Enjoy :)

xox

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Fandom: Twilight

Author: Magnolia822

Story: _The Cullen Sutras_

Rating: M for lemons/language/birth scene

_Chapter 36: Epilogue Two_

"Edward?" Bella calls from the kitchen. I'm in the dining room helping set out breakfast—the last of the fall raspberries and some yogurt and granola. Our weekend guests are getting ready to leave, and with Bella so pregnant and nearing her due date, we decided it was better to close the Center until after the baby is born. It'll also give both of us a much needed time to rest and prepare for what Emmett assures me will be the most tiring day of our lives. That is, unless we have another.

Setting down the last few plates, I take the tray and retreat back to see what she needs. She's stretching up on her tippy toes struggling to get something on one of the higher pantry shelves.

"Help," she calls.

"What do you need, sweetheart?"

"That," she says, pointing at a jar of my mother's homemade strawberry-rhubarb preserves. I grab it easily and tease her by holding it over her head.

"This?"

"Yes! Hey! That's no way to treat your pregnant wife. Gimme!"

I kiss her on the head and hand over the prize—for the past two weeks, she's been living on bread and jam.

She kisses the jar and I laugh.

"You love that jam more than me."

"Yes I do," she says in all seriousness. "This stuff, I need the recipe. It's the food of the gods."

"Well, you'll have to pry it from Esme's cold, dead fingers," I quip. My mother is pretty protective of her "secret" recipes.

Bella laughs and rests against the counter, patting her belly. She's so big she can barely get her arms around her middle. It's crazy—you can actually feel the baby's head, sometimes his—or her—feet as they press against her from the inside. Our baby.

"Well, once her grandson is born, I'll have some leverage for a trade-off. The recipe for visiting rights."

"What a little cutthroat you are," I smile, trapping her between my arms and nuzzling at her neck. She sighs a little and gives me better access, threading her fingers through my hair. I go right for the place under her ear that drives her crazy and she murmurs. Even nine months pregnant, she's so fucking sexy. But I miss being able to get close to her, fully against her without the belly in the way. That's one thing I'm definitely looking forward to.

"Gross. You guys are gross," comes a voice from near the door. I reluctantly release Bella and step away as Alice sweeps into the kitchen, taking the jar from Bella's hands and grabbing a loaf of bread from the counter.

Alice and Jasper moved to Portland the month before, right after their small wedding in New York. Bella and I had gone and, while the trip was a little stressful for me, I'd been glad I did it.

But Alice insisted she come and help during the end of the pregnancy, since she wasn't starting up her new job until the beginning of November. I know Bella is thankful—she loves Alice and misses her. Of course, my mother has also been around, but it's good for her to have her friend here as well.

"Woman," Alice says reprovingly. "Go and sit down. I'll make your toast. How many slices?"

"Um . . . two?" Bella says hesitantly.

"Three. Got it. With butter?"

"Yes please," she murmurs.

"Out of my way, daddy," Alice says. I'm blocking the toaster. "Why don't you go sit with your wife and get out of my hair? You want some toast?"

"Yes please," I reply, echoing Bella. "But just two for me."

"Oh, I'm such a hog." Bella's voice is forlorn. "And don't give me any of that crap about eating for two."

Alice pats Bella's tummy. "Don't worry. I'm making him three."

Later that evening once the last of the guests have gone, Bella's tired early. I decide to retire with her, just wanting to be close. We snuggle under the warm down comforter and I pull her back against me, wrapping my arm around her.

"Ooomf," Bella complains when I attempt to slide my other arm underneath.

"Sorry."

"Ugh. I can't wait for this baby to be out of me," she says.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

For the past week or so, we've been playing this little game at night. Since it's safe for Bella to deliver at any time, we've been attempting the whole "orgasm to induce labor" thing our doula suggested. It all starts out rather innocently.

"How come?" I whisper in her ear. She smiles devilishly.

"Because . . .I'll get to ride you, baby. Just how you like."

"Hmmmmm . . ." I murmur with a smile. "And how is that?"

"I'll push you down on the bed."

"And then?"

"I'll crawl up your body so I'm straddling you. Umm . . . I'll be naked."

"Of course," I chuckle, "What next?" I press my growing erection against her backside and she moves against me.

"I'll be so wet . . . but I won't fuck you yet. I'll turn around and let you watch me suck your cock."

It's been months since she's done that . . . and the memory of her mouth on me makes me groan.

"Just for a little while. You like watching, don't you?" she purrs. "You like watching me suck you off?"

"Yesssss," I hiss, rubbing against her a little more. But I need more friction. I take her hand in mine and thread my fingers through hers, guiding her down to where I am swollen and needy. She moves her hand against me lightly, teasing me. We're not done yet.

"Well, I'll suck you really good, baby. I'll use my hands too, just like this," she says, moving her hand more forcefully. I groan into her neck when she rubs the head with the palm of her hand. God, I'd give anything to fuck her right now, but I don't want to hurt her, even if everyone says it's okay. I'm content with her hands on me.

"And then what?"

"Then, when you're getting close, I'll stop. Because by that time, I'll want you too badly. I'll want you inside."

"Fuck, Bella," I pant.

"I'll show you how wet I am," she says, breathlessly. "I'm so wet right now."

"Let me feel," I ask her. "Please."

It's a little difficult to maneuver, but I come around from behind, feeling her ass before dipping my fingers between her cheeks, urging her to part her legs slightly. It's hard with the belly, but we make it work. I find she's exactly as she said—so fucking wet. I find her swollen clit with my fingers and rub lightly and she gasps.

"Oh, baby," she says, turning her head to me. "Kiss me."

I do, searching my mouth with her tongue as she writhes against my hand. I slip a couple of fingers inside and she moans. Even though she's not touching my dick anymore, I don't care. I just want her to come, but gently.

"More," she gasps.

All dirty talk forgotten, I rip the covers off and travel down the bed between her legs, making quick work of her maternity sweats. She has to remain on her side because of the baby, but I fit my head right in between there, palming my erection before licking her gently. As long as I don't blow any air inside, oral sex is completely safe and, with her legs clamped around me, hot. In both senses of the word.

I lick again, a long, slow movement from the front to the back and she moans, her hands blindly grasping behind her for my cock. It would really like to oblige her.

"Maybe I should switch sides," I murmur. This whole angle isn't really working in my best interest.

"Please, please. Just do it, please."

I switch around until I'm in front of her in a sixty-nine position, both of us now on our sides. Now I can get better access to her, and my dick is about four inches from the Promised Land. I try not to hope too hard as I return my ministrations to her clit, alternating light sucks and licks with the slow movement of my fingers inside of her. I hate that I can't see her face.

All of a sudden, I groan in relief as her wet mouth finds my cock. She doesn't take me in all the way, but that's okay—just the head in her mouth feels so good. She knows exactly how to apply pressure to the underside, how to touch the base and spread the moisture all around to relieve the friction. I resist thrusting and concentrate on her as she opens for me. I love how wet she is, how responsive. She groans again as I suck her clit into my mouth a bit harder now she's less sensitive.

"Soooo fucking gooood," she sighs, releasing me from her mouth. She continues to pump my dick her hand and I allow myself to thrust now. Once and a while she licks me, takes me inside. It feels incredible; I'm nearly there.

"Bella, baby," I pant. "I'm gonna come."

"Yessss," she whispers. "Oh my god. Keep doing that. Right there."

I'm twirling my tongue around her clit, alternating the movement with light taps.

"You like that?"

"Uhhhhh, you think?" she says. What a smartass. I give her bum a playful slap. She picks up her pace, and I'm almost there . . . .

"I love watching you when you're about to come, Edward. I love how hard you get."

Those words push me over the edge. "God, fuck . . . here it is," I warn her. Hot streams erupt somewhere on the bed, on Bella. She moans and continues to milk me 'til the end. But she's not finished yet.

"Please. I need . . ." she pleads. "Keep going."

Coming down off the high of my own orgasm, I return to Bella in earnest. I know just the way to get her there with my fingers, working them quickly inside as I suck her clit relentlessly. She writhes against me, clamping her thighs around my ears and cutting off my hearing. It's kinda funny, kinda hard to breathe, but she's almost there. I feel her muscles start to flutter as she calls my name, her orgasm hitting her with intensity.

Finally, she releases me from her death grip and I flop to my side. For a few minutes, we lay there, head to toe, utterly exhausted. Then Bella gives a little moan.

"Edward?" Her voice holds the edge of concern.

"What is it, sweetheart?" I say, bolting upright. If I hurt her . . .

"I feel something."

"What?"

"Pressure. In my back. It hurts. I think . . ." she moans again.

"A contraction?" I ask, my forehead furrowed with worry.

"I think so . . . holy shit."

"So this is it?"

"I don't know. It could just be Braxton Hicks."

She had a false labor start last week, but it hadn't lasted long.

"Well, we'll have to time them. Where's the pain?"

"Here," she says, feeling for her lower back. "And here," she rubs the top of her abdomen.

"On a scale of one to ten?"

"I don't know . . . 3?"

"Okay, baby," I say, smoothing down her hair. I grab a couple of tissues from the bedside to clean us up and find her pants, helping her into them. Then I scoot up the bed to hold her and wait.

After about ten minutes, she seizes again in my arms.

"Another one?" I ask.

She nods, her face looking serious. I help her to breath through it, all the while silently panicking. Holy shit. I don't know if I'm ready for this. I have to be ready for this. Stay calm, Bella's counting on you. So is the baby.

We stay in bed, waiting and talking . . . Bella holds my hand tightly, even when the contraction subsides.

About ten minutes later, there's another. We wait a while and she experiences a few more. Yep. These are happening in regular intervals. This must be it. She's only two days away from her due date, and from the look on Bella's face, though they're still relatively mild, this last one was stronger than before.

"Okay, baby. Do you think we should go?"

"I don't know," she says in a small voice.

"Here. I'll call Ann."

I grab Bella's nearby cell phone and dial quickly. Our doula picks up on the second ring. It's still pretty early in the evening. I inform her of the situation and she says we can come in with the birth bag whenever we want, that we can wait a while longer until the contractions are closer together if we'd like. But I want to get over there soon—I don't want anything to happen to her.

"Bella," I say, snapping the phone shut. "Ann says we can come in if you want." She nods, her eyes wide. "Do you want to go?"

"Yes. Edward?" she says. "I'm scared."

"I know, baby. Me too."

"Will it be all right?" I kiss her forehead and hold her tightly.

"Of course it will, of course."

"I love you."

"I love you, so much. And we're gonna have this baby."

"We're gonna have a baby," she repeats, her eyes glistening with tears. I kiss her again and try to hold mine back . . . I'm so overcome with love for her.

"Okay. Let's go."

Forty-five minutes later, Bella and I are settled in our birthing room. Alice had wanted to come along, too, but we'd decided we just want it to be the doula and us.

I put on some music as Bella paces the room. Ann draws a warm bath and pours Bella a glass of red wine, urging her to take a few sips to relax herself. Her contractions are coming more quickly now, at about seven or eight minutes apart, but Ann tells us it's still early and warns us not to try counting them just yet. It's a relief how laid back she is about the whole thing, because even though I'm not showing it, I'm freaking out at this point.

She takes a long, leisurely bath and nothing much changes. I rub her feet and we talk, listening to music during the intervals between contractions. Once in a while, Ann comes in to check on us and smiles, patting me on the shoulder.

"You're doing great," she says. "Both of you."

Another couple of hours later, Bella's water breaks and the contractions begin more strongly. Now, they're coming every four to five minutes, and I watch in fascination and amazement as Ann checks her dilation. She's at four centimeters and things are really "starting to pick up."

We soon find out what that means. It's a long night, and Bella's been in labor for almost twelve hours when she reaches eight centimeters—the last active part of labor. Ann comes in now and checks the baby's progress. It hasn't descended yet but things are getting intense.

The contractions are coming often now, and even with the breathing techniques we've been working on, the pain is intense. If I could have this baby I would in a second. I tell her so, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"You'd make a really silly looking pregnant woman."

"Well, I'd do it for you."

"I'd let you," she says earnestly. "This really sucks. But to be honest, I don't think you could handle it."

"Probably not."

"Fuck, why did I agree to a natural birth?"

"You wanted it!"

"You pushed me into it, you asshole," she grits through her teeth as a new contraction begins. They're lasting about sixty seconds now and she's shaking and shivering with the effort. I hate watching it.

"I feel sick," she says. "Like I'm gonna throw up."

"That's okay," Ann says, materializing from nowhere and passing me a bedpan. I love this woman. "It's natural."

"Fuck natural," Bella seethes.

"You're doing so good, baby," I whisper, holding her hand and kissing her forehead. She turns her head away with a grimace. I'd been expecting her to start calling me names at any moment. I know she really doesn't think I'm an asshole. Does she?

"I'm sorry," she pants, once the next one subsides. "I love you. I'm sorry. That just really fucking blew."

"Okay. I know. Call me anything you want."

During the next one, she does just that. "!"

That's one for the record books.

An hour later, finally, _finally_, the baby starts to descend. Bella's fully dilated and we're ready to start pushing. I'm pretty much babbling nonstop at this point, touching her, whispering words of encouragement. I probably sound like an idiot, but Bella doesn't seem to mind. She's panting and moaning and, yes, has already thrown up a couple of times. But she looks fucking beautiful and I'm so proud of her. I keep telling her so. She smiles wanly as the next contraction sets in, and Ann makes a little pleased sound from down below.

"Your baby's head, momma, daddy. I can see the scalp. Do you want to see?" she asks. I nod, but I nearly pass out when I see it—a little swath of dark, wet hair between her legs. Bella moans and struggles to sit up.

"You want to feel?" I ask her. She nods, tears welling in her eyes, as I guide her hand down to where the baby is. Ann gets a mirror and I watch in delight as Bella's eyes widen further as she lightly touches the soft hair.

"Oh my God," she whispers in awe.

"I'm gonna tell you when to push, okay?" Ann says. Bella's eyes are still glued to the mirror. "You just keep doing what you're doing. It's going really well. You're doing so good, darlin'. But don't push until I say, okay?"

"Edward," Bella whispers, tears coursing down her face. I realize I'm fucking crying too.

"What baby?"

"I'm so glad I'm having a baby with you."

"Me too."

What happens next is a blur. Ann asks Bella to push and she does. I'm pretty much good for nothing, staring as more of the baby's head emerges. A moan from my wife makes me spring into action, though, and I help her to breathe. She squeezes my hand so hard I'm pretty sure she does permanent damage.

"Okay. Hold it, hold it," Ann says. "Pant. Can you pant for me?"

"I want to push," Bella pants.

"Not yet, sweetie. Not yet. Blow or pant."

I whisper in her ear and touch her face, wiping tears and sweat as she pants.

"Okay girl," Ann says. "This is it. We're gonna try and see your baby's face with this next one. Are you ready?" Bella nods, still panting as Ann instructs her to push.

The baby's head is now visible, and oh my God, his forehead . . . his nose. I just know it's a boy now. I just know it. I'm fucking overwhelmed.

"Push, baby, push," I tell her. She grimaces and squeezes and grunts and finally, the whole head is visible. Ann quickly works to suction his mouth and nose—there's no umbilical cord around his neck, thankfully.

"My baby," she says, looking at the mirror and reaching down, touching him. "My baby."

"One more, and we're going for the shoulders," Ann tells her. "You're almost there. Your baby's almost here, sweetie. Now pant."

Bella does, but I can see she's weaker now. I offer her more of the ice chips she's been so fond of during this whole thing, but she grimaces and shakes her head, her eyes focused on the mirror.

"Okay, you ready?" Ann says cheerfully. "Let's have this baby!"

With a final, excruciating push that I can feel in my own body, the shoulders are maneuvered out—it's surprising how quickly the rest of the body follows. A lusty, long cry fills the room and Bella's eyes roll back in her head as she collapses against the pillows, her face exultant and shining with tears.

"A boy!" Ann says triumphantly, clearing his nose and mouth once again before depositing him directly on Bella's bare stomach. I climb onto the bed next to them and touch him—bloody, but perfect. Beautiful. Brown eyes, like Bella's. I know I'm crying like an idiot.

"Jacob," she whispers.

The baby in question wails, acknowledging his name, and Ann covers us all with a blanket before returning to clamp and sever the umbilical chord. Bella has Jacob up on her chest now. She can't tear her eyes away from her son. Our son.

"You did it, baby," I whisper.

"We did it," she says. "Well. It was mostly me." I love how she can still joke at a time like this.

"Yes, it was. You're so beautiful."

"He's beautiful."

"Jacob."

A few minutes later, after the afterbirth is delivered and disposed of, Ann suggests Bella try to get Jacob to nurse. He doesn't really seem all that interested at first, but she assures us he will eventually if we keep trying. Then she slips quietly out of the room, leaving us alone, exhausted, and happy.

Back at the Center later that afternoon, a veritable welcome committee greets us. My mother and Alice are the first ones out of the house, running down the steps. A great amount of squealing and cooing and congratulating occurs while my father emerges from the house.

"Emmett, Rose, and Emma are on their way. And Charlie's taking the next flight out of Seattle. He'll be here by the morning."

"Thanks, Dad."

He pats me on the back, a huge grin on his face. Everyone stares at Jacob in awe, sleeping safely tucked in his car seat. I still can't believe he's mine, and after all this waiting, he's finally here.

Luckily, there was no major tearing during delivery, but Bella's still having difficulty walking. I let my mom assist with Jacob and I help Bella up out of the car and carry her to our room.

"I'm too fat," she protests sleepily.

"You're perfect," I whisper, kissing her on the head.

"No, but he is."

"Yep."

The rest of the afternoon passes in a blur. My parents and Alice help us get settled in while Bella takes a much-needed nap with our son. My brother and his family arrive just before dinner—impeccable timing, as always. Dinner, of course, is take-out pizza.

Bella wakes up and is ecstatic to see Rose and Em, and of course little Emma who, in turn, is fascinated by Jacob.

"Baby," she says, clambering up on the bed with Emmett's assistance.

"Yes, baby," Bella replies. Jacob stirs in his sleep, his little face scrunching angrily. Emma reaches out to touch him and Rose immediately goes to stop her, but Bella smiles and waves her off.

"Gentle," she says, showing Emma how she can pat the baby lightly.

"Genwol," Emma repeats.

"Yes, that's right."

"Baby," Emma says again, this time pointing at Rose. Bella gives her friend a questioning look and Rose smiles at Emmett. They squeeze hands.

"Three months along," Emmett says proudly.

"Holy sh—nikes!" Bella exclaims, remembering the sensitive ears in the room. Rose beams.

"Congrats, man," I say, shaking my brother's hand as Alice enters. Rose and Bella immediately fill her in.

"Jeez, before you know it there'll be enough freaking kids around here for our own reality TV show," she observes, rolling her eyes.

"Oh, come on Ali," Bella laughs, her attention focused on a waking Jacob. "Don't tell me you guys aren't having kids."

"Maybe someday," she replies. "But right now, I'll leave that up to you ladies."

Jacob breaks up the conversation with a plaintive wail. Someone wants his dinner.

"All right, everyone out," I say, ushering them towards the door. "You too, pumpkin." I pluck Emma off the bead and she squeals as I lift her high over my head before depositing her in Emmett's arms. My mother pokes her head in to see what's going on.

"You all right, dear?" she calls to Bella.

"Yes. Better than," Bella replies. The two of them share a glance I almost feel guilty for observing as Jacob wriggles in Bella's arms.

"Well, let me know if you need anything."

"I will. Thanks," Bella replies. My mother squeezes my arm lightly before retreating. I shut the door and sag against it with a sigh.

"Oh, Edward," Bella says, shaking her head at me. "They just want to help."

"I know. It's just a little much."

"Well, we better get used to it," she says with a giggle. "Charlie's coming tomorrow. And I'm sure Seth will want to stop by, too. It'll be a full house this weekend, for sure."

She adjusts herself, preparing to nurse Jacob as I watch on in fascination. He's already fed twice, and it's incredible how he seems to know just what to do. Once they seem settled, Bella casts her sleepy eyes on me and yawns.

"Come here," she says.

I don't need to be told twice. I kick off my shoes and climb onto the bed, moving so that Bella can lean against me. She sighs in contentment.

"Silence."

"Silence is good," I agree.

Jacob waves his little fist in the air and I marvel at his tiny hands. Everything about him is small and perfect.

"I think there's red in his hair," Bella says, gently caressing his head.

"God help him."

She gives me a sideways glance. "I like it. It's very becoming."

"Well, it's a good thing you do," I say. "Or else he wouldn't exist."

"That's right, Edward. I only love you for your hair."

"Good enough reason as any," I joke.

"Stop it," she says, turning her head to kiss me. "You're the best man I know. Thank you for being there for me. I couldn't . . . have done this without you." The emotion in her voice makes me serious. There are so many things I'd never have been able to do without her.

And I'll spend the rest of my life showing her how grateful I am.

* * *

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed! And just a note, studies have shown that a little wine during birth is perfectly safe, and in fact many doctors recommend it for its relaxing effects.**


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